"The talk" about porn

shedipity · 2021-10-25T04:49:00+00:00

So he admitted he watches it but says he’ll stop since you brought it up, and you’re ok with him having “slip ups”. I think you’re gaslighting yourself and I worry for you since you have already accepted his previous porn use. Unfortunately, now he is aware that you don’t like him watching porn, so he will only hide it better when he has “slip ups” and if you find out, he knows there will be no consequences because you said you’ll give him another chance 🤷‍♀️ “he didn’t know better” just shows even more he is not HV.

Educational_Pool_635 · 2021-10-25T04:48:58+00:00

I thought we were supposed to not date men who consumed porn even a little?

iaintgonnacallyou · 2021-10-25T05:18:22+00:00

You’re definitely gaslighting yourself. You will catch him lying about watching porn.

sk8r-scrote · 2021-10-25T00:44:21+00:00

Yup. I used the same strategy you describe here with my ex. He lied when he told me he would stop. He didn’t stop, just tried hiding it from me. So I dumped him. I’d be very cautious with trusting this man.

thinktwiceorelse · 2021-10-25T06:06:07+00:00

You being scared that he may watch porn is already a red flag. You're too invested at this point. When you're too invested you start to give a benefit of doubt for basically anything.

PollyAnnaSunshine · 2021-10-25T02:07:16+00:00

While I think it's good that your boyfriend was receptive to learning about the porn industry and the negative effects it has on both the actors and the consumers, the fact he didn't reach these conclusions on his own is less than ideal.

In my experience, men may go along with what you say if they fear losing you, but often the changes are temporary and inauthentic.

What we see as setting a boundary, they agree to to avoid being single again/being without you. Later, when they renege on the commitment they have made, they turn things around on the woman and claim she "made him" and that it wasn't really his choice.

After having dealt with this in numerous scenarios over my dating years and following the "CoMmUnIcAtE" advice, I've come to the conclusion that if a guy isn't aligned with my core values and standards on his own, with no prompting, I will not date him.

Examples:

Woman: "I don't do casual relationships"

Man: Proceeds to commit to a relationship, later becomes resentful and claims he was "pressured" into making a commitment he felt uncomfortable with.

Woman: "I am uncomfortable with your female best friend texting you at all hours of the night, telling you about her sex life, and saying "I love you" after you guys talk on the phone."

Man: Proceeds to distance himself from female friend to avoid breakup, and becomes secretive about their communications. Later claims the GF "made him get rid of his best friend."

Woman: "I don't date men who abuse drugs/alcohol."

Man: Commits to stopping but hides drug/alcohol abuse, bitches about being "controlled" by woman when his friends comment on his changed habits, etc.

Etc.

These are all examples I've experienced personally or witnessed other women in my circles deal with. Notice how the woman sets a boundary about what she is comfortable with and the man initially complies but later reframes the discussion to wrongly portray his partner as controlling. We see this on so many reddit threads, especially the ones about p0rn, str!p clubs, and female best friends. Hopefully your case is the best case scenario but I would be wary until you know for sure that his commitment to being porn-free is authentic.

bonghits4jess · 2021-10-25T02:18:57+00:00

Sorry girl but I don’t think it works like that. Men will manipulate you with honesty and make you think he is trustworthy because he was forthcoming about his porn habit. You told him in so many words that this is a boundary he can cross because you would excuse a “relapse” as long as he’s open about it. If he thinks he can live without porn then why would there be a relapse? Now next time you do catch him watching porn (which you will) you don’t even have a leg to stand on, because YOU said that it was ok and you’d give him another chance. He WILL use this against you when you confront him about a relapse. I’m not sure why you agreed to giving him another chance if this was truly a deal breaker for you. So you will have to accept that he is gonna keep watching porn and take measures so you don’t find out. you may want to reread the handbook to figure out why you’re unwilling to dump him over this if you went through all the trouble to tell him this behavior wasn’t ok.

honeybadgerattitude · 2021-10-25T02:05:17+00:00

I’m concerned as well. I’m sorry because you seem so happy in your relationship but you’re “building” your man to become what you want and it doesn’t work. You say that you’ve watched p*rn so you don’t feel you can ask him to cut it out completely, Did you masturbate to it? Did you get sexual pleasure from seeing a man being degraded, humiliated, beaten or forced? Did you watch teenage boys that had no choice about being filmed but not care because it was more important for you to get off? I really doubt it! You can’t really compare your observations of porn to a man’s active use of it. It’s just not the same thing! If you need to be teaching him compassion and empathy for women in general, through reading and documentaries, how do you ensure he has compassion for you? Presumably there are no documentaries or articles specific to you and your needs that he can learn from. Women are people too, he should already know this. If he wanted to know it, he would. In general and regardless of you. If you split up tomorrow, would he go straight back to porn? Unfortunately, he probably would. People can change and he could decide never to watch it again but the reason he’s doing it now is because you’ve asked him to, and he’s realising that he won’t get sex from you otherwise. You’ve asked him to be a decent human being and he’s replied with that he’ll think about it and do some research and decide whether being decent is for him. That’s great for him! But not for you. Again, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be harsh. It’s all in your best interest. You’re putting his and the relationship’s needs above your own and he’s only thinking about doing the same for you. But that’s not good enough. You deserve someone who does it automatically without needing to be asked or convinced.

Painfulmenstruation · 2021-10-25T00:01:02+00:00

I worry you’re gaslighting yourself into accepting porn in your relationship.

You say you accepted his porn use because you weren’t up front about it at the beginning of the relationship.

You’re not required to tell a man up-front about all your standards and you are allowed to change your standards too.

You’re also missing the point. The point is to find a man who does not use porn because he has made an independent choice not to use it because he recognizes how harmful it is to the women in the industry, his partner and his sexual health.

I would never again ask a man to stop watching porn for me because it simply wouldn’t work. He’d watch porn anyway and just hide it. It has to be his decision to stop, which is why FDS advises just walking away from porn users and blocking and deleting.

I hate to say it but I think you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. It’s been proven time and time again that men will not quit porn solely because a woman asks. He has to want to quit porn for himself.

As for the harms caused by porn, I’m sorry but he knew. Men know the harm porn causes, they just don’t care. Don’t take his bumbling man act at face value.

onceuponasea · 2021-10-25T02:35:47+00:00

This ain’t it, sis. Please be careful as you’re entering dangerous territory. But ultimately, it is your choice and you have the right do engage in relationships however you want.

arnezuara · 2021-10-24T23:41:46+00:00

Trust but verify: browse his devices to see if he is now hiding his porn use from you. Ensure to do so periodically: vet his integrity, habits, and other signs of PA/porn use.

Some men are smart — they tread carefully, knowing that you’re against something they do not intend to (or cannot) give up.

You could have saved yourself the time and energy that you now might waste on him, had you vetted his porn use according to the FDS guidelines.

BiscuitWoof · 2021-10-25T02:29:51+00:00

I don’t have this conversation with men. My partner chose to not consume it on his own, and I trust and know that he doesn’t ever since being with me (he was very infrequent before he was with me anyway, and he said it always left a bad taste in his mouth due to the violence, misogyny etc).

If you are enough for your partner and they respect you and you are both satisfied in the relationship, there’s no need for them to consume it or even think about consuming it. It wouldn’t cross a HVM’s mind to have to consume content with other women in any form (female ‘friends’, OF, Instagram ‘models’ etc)

Once you share your boundaries and ‘rules’ like this, it gets in their head that you are ‘preventing’ them from doing something. Even if he didn’t want to do it, now they have a niggling thought (reverse psychology) to do it BECAUSE you said you don’t like it

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2021-10-25T03:23:10+00:00

This is completely stupid and wrong.

BabyGothQ · 2021-10-25T04:20:59+00:00

There’s a reason the “pretend to be into porn” thing is a thing.. all you’ve done by having this chat with him is teach him what to do and say and how to act to keep you around. That’s it.

I’m very hopeful, and will continue to be, that there are men out there who, once confronted with conversations like these, actually do the inner work to change for the better, for themselves. But with where we are right now in the dating world, in the world in general.. it’s lookin like the beginning of a “realizing the HVM I was dating is actually a LVM and has been leading me on!” type post..

Good luck sis. But there’s a reason everything in the handbook is there.. you don’t have to do things strictly by the book, but doing the complete opposite of the handbook and then coming here and justifying it ain’t the vibe.

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"The talk" about porn

Comments

fuckthatguy

Title	"The talk" about porn
Author	edelbiatch
Upvotes	154
Comments	37
Date	October 24, 2021 11:23 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qf3tl0/the_talk_about_porn/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/the-talk-about-porn.1082020 https://theredarchive.com/post/1082020