This is how I see it...

superbechidna · 2020-10-03T01:35:32+00:00

I don’t completely agree with this. I have no hate for people who don’t hurt others- if LVMs want to keep to themselves and ACTUALLY go their own way, that’s fine. But when they abuse, demean, and harass women and encourage others to do the same, their behavior deserves condemnation.

Samvanderkamp123 · 2020-10-03T04:51:07+00:00

I agree. When I was married, I didn’t realize how bad it was. It happened gradually. My now ex stopped talking to me, sleeping with me, had in fact discarded me. But for whatever reason, it seemed normal. Miserable but normal. He didn’t hit me or abuse me. He ignored me.

And I had so much fear about being single. I couldn’t even contemplate it. It was too painful to let go of the dream, of what I hoped my marriage would be. It was like contemplating a death.

It took finding out that my ex was having an affair to propel me out of the fog. And then the divorce was awful.

It wasn’t until he finally moved out that I realized I could breathe. There was more oxygen in the house. And then I slowly started cooking the meals I wanted to eat and doing the things I wanted to do.

Women in bad relationships can feel like the alternative is worse, especially financially. It’s really hard if you are broke. I’m so grateful that I wasn’t but it was very hard initially because my ex had stolen from me, which is a whole other story. So it’s a question of charting a course to a better life but it can seem overwhelming.

eveninghope · 2020-10-03T01:17:42+00:00

I agree with a lot of this. I don't get why FDS is considered a hate sub. Like, no one's preaching violence against men. We just encourage women to have whatever standards they deem additive to their lives and it's better to be single than compromise.

GIfuckingJane · 2020-10-03T04:07:52+00:00

Girl I hate NVM

_HEDONISM_BOT · 2020-10-03T07:47:09+00:00

the pickmes on this sub make it so hard. They bicker and come out of the woodworks to try and sabotage great advice.

For example. I rant and rave about online dating. I never said women won't run into LVMs/NVMs on online dating. We simply need to be vigilant in screening them out, and we need to get comfortable with the DATING PROCESS.

LVMs/NVMs exist in organic/in-real-life (IRL) dating too just like they exist on online dating apps. They're a lot harder to spot in the wild and get the benefit of women's agreeability, women's need for social acceptance, and women's fear when interacting face to face. Women have been harassed, shamed, assaulted, raped, and even killed for rejecting LVM/NVM face to face. Online dating simply makes it easier, more efficient, faster, and safer to reject men in the dating world.

Whenever I try to give great advice about online dating, a slew of pickmes come out of the woodworks - a lot of them, I suspect, are male LARPs masquerading as women based on how they write.

They try to paint this picture that OLD apps and online dating is awful, when the reality is that DEALING WITH MEN, ONLINE OR OFFLINE, IS GENERALLY AWFUL.

How you use OLD apps is CRUCIAL to the experience you'll have on the apps. If you are swiping on low-quality guys, you'll have terrible experiences. If you hesitate to block, delete, or ghost men who are giving you unrewarding experiences on the apps, you'll have terrible experiences. If you're swiping on men who you aren't attracted to, you'll have bad experiences. If you are afraid of rejection, YOU WILL HAVE A BAD EXPERIENCE ON OLD APPS. Fear in general can be defeated through exposure to the thing you fear. Same thing applies to fear of rejection. To get over your fear of rejection, you need to go out there and be rejected, a lot. This is backed by Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) as described by Dr. David Burns in his book (when panic attacks) in the exposure to fear chapters.

MANY pickmes don't discuss how they're swiping. A lot of them come to the dating world with their pickme mindset. They operate from a place of scarcity, they really believe HVM are rare, that women need "to bring something to the table", that going dutch, initiating contact, and chasing a man is the way to get him, when ALL OF THIS isn't true. Pickmes often chat with 1 guy at a time, which is simply ineffective in OLD. Women need to be swiping A LOT, and talking to AT LEAST 10 different great guys at any given point, with additional messages to respond to, because they're swiping so much. Pickmes often "give guys a chance" and swipe right on men they should have rejected because they still feel that they owe men "a chance". They typically overlook GIANT RED FLAGS because, again, they feel that they "owe him a chance" "because nothing's wrong with him". Pickmes also often limit the number of men they're talking to or dating because they operate from a mindset of slut-shaming, where they feel they MUST only talk to 1 guy at a time or risk being labeled "a slut". This is operating from a place of internalized misogyny and it's not healthy or effective in dating. It's a self-defeating belief that cripples your ability to date successfully and maximize the benefits of online dating for yourself as a woman.

The reality is that you don't have to work at all to get a HVM. You simply need to be confident, and EXIST. Men are inherently attracted to a woman's looks and not much else. If they've matched with you, they've already chosen you, based on their chief deciding factor -- LOOKS. There's a lot of self improvement work and working on your physical/mental health is NECESSARY in order to be healthier and radiate a natural sense of joy, positivity, and be fun, flirty, exciting and confident enough to attract HVM. That's it. The only other thing to do is EXIST, as a woman, on online dating apps and be ruthlessly selective.

The fact of the matter is that you have to swipe a LOT, on high quality guys. This takes time. You have to read their profiles, review their photos, check them out on social media and respond to them/chat with them to vet them THOROUGHLY. This takes patience, time, energy, work and being able to spot/block LVM is a skill that needs to be honed with time, patience, and experience on the apps. How can you get this experience and become better at blocking LVM if you resign to the misguided belief that OLD apps are terrible? You simply can't! That's like riding a bike for the first 5 times in your life, falling off and scraping your knee, and jumping to the conclusion that bikes are dangerous and you should stay away from them. YES they can be, but riding a bike is a skill and with time, you get better and don't fall off anymore. The same thing applies to dating. It is a SKILL, like riding a bike, or interviewing for jobs, or cooking. You won't get better if you don't try and keep an open, patient mind, and realize you're going to struggle at first and get better with time.

Online dating just removes the geographical restrictions that apply to organic/IRL dating - where women are limited to their social circles, community settings, and geographic areas. Online dating also makes it easier to investigate possible LVM since you get to chat them up first before deciding to move off of the apps, which is a great filter in and of itself. You don't get this initial filter face to face. You gotta sit with him and get to know him offline, and he could have an entirely different personality online, too, which will take time to investigate and find.

When you're face to face with a guy, or meeting him organically in social settings -- it can take HOURS of phone calls or face-to-face time to figure him out and reject him safely and get out of that situation with your life in tact. You can't "instantly block him" when you don't like him. You might have to wait for the check, or wait for Church to end, or wait for a socially convenient moment, etc.. OLD apps simply make rejecting LVM easier, safer, and more efficient. Whenever i try to point this out, the pickmes come out of the woodworks to paint OLD apps and online dating in poor light - making it seem as if Online dating doesn't work. That there are shitty men on the apps, exclusively. As if shitty men didn't exist IRL AND on OLD apps.

The reality is that OLD apps are the most effective tool for dating that we have in our "2020 toolbox". They allow for maximum exposure to a lot of different guys, who you may never meet because you don't run in the same social circles. They allow you to filter out men based on parameters such as height, weight, education, employment, and location. They give you information about guys such as where they work or live, where they went to school, where to locate their social media, and other info you can use to vet them before moving to a face-to-face setting. OLD apps allow for quick, easy, safe vetting of men and the ability to block men who harass you. It's a lot harder to block a man who you meet organically in your social circles because you'll still run into him at work, school, or community settings. You'll risk social cohesion, and coming off as disagreeable (which is something a lot of women fear) by rejecting him face to face, or in front of others. You risk being assaulted, raped, or killed by rejecting him 1 on 1, in private where nobody would hear you scream. It'll be awkward and a lot of them sabotage women who have rejected them face to face. He may drag your name through the mud, sabotage your work or school projects, sabotage your social circles or reputation within your community or spread vicious lies and slander you. He may create gossip in your community or lie to your friends or family about who you are or assault, harass, rape, or kill you. The list of negatives goes on and on and on.

janetheautomaton · 2020-10-03T08:35:46+00:00

Every now and then, I'll see a post that talks about pickmes in a manner that makes me uncomfortable. Why all the judgement? Do we have to condemn her? Weren't most of us in her place at least once, and don't we remember how painful it was?

The only ones I come here to judge are LVMs/NVMs, and even then my main concern is avoiding them or propelling them out of my life.

EffectiveHoneydew422 · 2020-10-03T04:52:35+00:00

Yeah, agree, I dont hate lvm I just wish they knew how to do better, for themselves.

I don't hate pick-mes, I was one, and It a hard mind set to shift out of, I mean when i was a pick me, i hated other women because they were 'competition' but on the other side it feels so much better celebrating my fellow woman, understanding their stories and situations.

I even can empathize with lvm who were introduced to graphic woman-hating-humiliating-un realistic sex- porn at an age where they were still developing sexually most of them were children, and it is obviously very hard to break free from that programming.

I am in this sub because I love myself, and I enjoy supporting and inspiring other women to do the same because they are worth it and have not been shown their value in society.

I don't think HMV is a man with $$, I dont think anyone here does, Its a man with integrity, self worth, respect, and who treats woman like his fellow human friend and not like an object that he is entitled to. Thats it. Thats what is so Controversial.

fim_de_semana · 2020-10-03T11:42:37+00:00

I don’t hate men for being men or pick mes for being pick mes. I think men are emotionally stunted and pick mes have been socially brainwashed.

Title	This is how I see it...
Author	CoffeeBeforeAdulty
Upvotes	180
Comments	22
Date	October 3, 2020 12:52 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/j46kjo/this_is_how_i_see_it/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/this-is-how-i-see-it.281341 https://theredarchive.com/post/281341

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