I have ADHD, Im not codependent (I don’t attach properly to either of these people, codependents or narcissistic people once I find out it is what it is I nope out)

Men legitimately see me as this strange, confident, independent manic pixie dream girl and something to help assist them and it’s tiring it’s something I will never agree on as well as it being alienating inside.

I’m cynical inside as well as I find it difficult to relate to the opposite sex let alone with just anyone but I get along with everyone and I’m unapologetically myself so when I do find someone that can equally comprehend an intellectual, in depth conversation I end up being fond of that dynamic and somewhat the person behind that creativity and intellect (rather them as a whole person because it’s the talking stage) being finally refreshed than just simply satisfying myself and my own interests onto continuously find out they either cut themselves, damaged, or high functioning addicts to something (self harm, alcohol) and I have to end the connection (talking stage) again, and again, and again and it’s disheartening although I’m stoic on the outside.

I’ve tried to connect and relate to conventional people and it’s peaceful but there’s no chemistry because we don’t share a lot to nothing in common with me. I do however strongly believe healthy people that have things in common with me are highly possible.

I grew up without bond to my mother and father and I don’t jump into relationships, I’m not impulsive and I don’t let my high empathy control me when I see something that will put me in danger I promptly end things.

I was talking to someone gentle, Intellectual, cordial for a couple of weeks until last night breaking something to me and telling me he stopped cutting himself in January and has been hiding old scars under sleeves and told him I don’t want to get involved because in a hypothetical situation we were to date I just don’t want to risk a manipulative situation with cutting or secretly doing so in the context of a relationship and I painfully ended it (painful because I finally felt like I was genuinely having fun with someone)

It’s not easy for me to trust, so I feel protected and I have my back as I’m self concerned, I’m genuinely fine being alone but it reaches a point where you have to put yourself out there as well. I’m above average in appearance I don’t feel like I need to lower my standards, I don’t feel hideous and unworthy and I’m not overly kind. I require intellect, health, and creative men that gives a refreshing mode of feeling on the same level and I suppose there’s a connection to this and the unhealthy that shouldn’t be looking for relationships or entertaining the idea. Im absolutely tired of finding codependency and destruction in the person I’ve been connected to socially, and I would be lying if it deeply does not hurt the empathetic locked up part of me when I’m beginning to like and feeling like I can finally breathe than feel like I can breathe alone being a deeply introspective self reliant person and that is the hurt. For years, the same results or just simply feeling alien because I do recognize I am a neurodiverse person that people tend to applaud I feel like a commodity and an entertainment piece to normal people who cannot relate and a stronger version for similarly “weird” or deep people to latch onto, it’s fucking sad, despite having a good self esteem. I’m tired of people being unable to fix themselves or run out and hurt others or both, I’m also tired of knowing I’m not insane and having priorities being someone who has took responsibility and have mastered self acceptance while being strange to the point of being unconventionally charming while on the flip side of just simply being alien. The false platitudes say “there are people like you” yes but they tend to be worst off than I am and self hating, and with those in the conventional realm see me as a commodity and something that cannot be understood like I can understand others and myself.

What do I do? Im tired of trying to care about connecting to others finding a connection I want to keep up with and this occurs.

Did anyone go through the same thing? any tips? It legitimately feels like a curse, I’m exhausted and should just accept the fate of not being in a healthy relationship and just owning myself until I’m dead while people try latching onto me on the way.