It's time to talk

time_fades · 2023-03-01T15:02:45+00:00

I was a victim of domestic abuse over the covid lockdowns. After having been cheated on, animalistically screamed at, threatened with violence, pelted with venomous words for months on end SHE was the one that was able to secure all the help she needed with a few text messages. Other men, mutual friends, family gave her money and believed her fabrications supposedly justifying what she did to me. She never had to worry about bills, about transportation, about income, about taking care of the 4 animals that she abandoned with me. I was never reached out to except to be confronted with the accusations she spread about me.

I wanted to kill myself every moment of every day for an entire year. The only reason I didn't try anything stupid is because I knew no one would take care of the animals.

Even after enduring all of the blatant bigotry that runs rampant in left-wing spaces, I still remain committed to economic and social justice causes. Reading your blog is the only time I've ever felt like my suffering was noticed. I'm choking back tears at work after reading this. Thank you for being here.

TheTinMenBlog · 2023-03-01T11:49:24+00:00

It’s good to talk. And over the last five years I’ve seen a wonderful renaissance of mental health advocacy encouraging men to do so.

But whilst I recognise and applaud the importance of men and boys developing their emotional literacy, talking about their pain, and building relationships with fellow men like them, so too I believe that talking is just the first step of progress.

The next step is everybody listening. And after that comes societal change.

Men and boys have shown incredible bravery and willingness to get us here, and now it is time for our male mental health advocates, to do the talking themselves.

So the men's mental heath advocates, talk to you followers.

Talk about all the things men have told you.

Talk to your colleagues. Talk to your political representatives, your peers, industrial partners and fellow influencers.

Talk about the abused men who have no where to go, and the unemployed men who cannot find work.

Talk about the vulnerable men falling through the cracks of social support.

Talk about the forgotten men silently battling addiction and homelessness.

Talk about fathers losing their children.

Talk about the men dying at work.

Talk about the lack of male-friendly services.

Talk about the overwhelming dereliction of empathy for men. Talk about media misandry. The loss of belonging and social isolation.

Speak about the things you’ve heard men tell you.

Because the problem is not in men’s head. You may think male suicide is a mental health crisis, but it is not.

Male suicide is largely the outcome of a range of external issues, or personal stressors, that take many men down the path to suicide.

Suicide is, in a cold way, a rational decision and a solution-based outcome based on men’s failure to fix these life stressors, the ones I have listed, and many more besides.

So to the men’s mental health advocates, organisations and charities, respond to men’s trust and bravery, with bravery of your own – and talk.

Yes. It’s time to talk.

~

Images Cat Han, Gradienta, Black Kiwi Hug, Jakob Owens, Dan Cristian Padure, Kiwi Hug.

Illustration by Hey Rabbit and Przemyslawk.

Sources:

[1] https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1526952308001372

[2] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4440449/

[3] https://connect.springerpub.com/content/sgrvv/24/6/744.abstract

[4] https://injuryprevention.bmj.com/content/27/2/137.abstract

[5] https://www.mankind.org.uk/statistics/statistics-on-male-victims-of-domestic-abuse/

[6] https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/supporting-male-victims/supporting-male-victims-accessible

Oncefa2 · 2023-03-01T14:40:13+00:00

Family breakdown and especially separation from children is a huge factor in many suicide attempts.

I've seen some sources speculate that it might be the largest cause of male suicide.

And it makes sense. Not only have you lost your family, but you're probably paying financially for it as well. Not to mention many of those relationships may have been abusive. And then that abuse continues through administrative violence in the form of parental alienation, child support, palimony, false allegations, allegations that you're not a good father, etc.

rumpots420 · 2023-03-01T14:29:35+00:00

Just want to say I love your content. Very compassionate

gigachadkawasaki · 2023-03-01T16:20:37+00:00

My uncle was married to a physically abusive woman for around 18 years (they had a daughter, my cousin, together). Before that he was married to another awful woman who he also had a daughter with (I don't know if any abuse was present there, but when I met her again as an adult she did not make a good impression on me).

I don't really know exactly what happened, but I do know from other family members that she was a very different person behind closed doors, and she did in fact hit him on multiple occasions.

I do know that towards the end of their marriage my uncle did have an affair (which either provoked the physical abuse or worsened it). Not that I agree with cheating, but I can understand that someone who has endured abuse for well over a decade would lash out somehow.

rammo123 · 2023-03-01T20:28:43+00:00

Thank you for this.

When a woman is sexually assaulted we would recommend that she gets therapy... but we would also try to punish the person who did it.

If a Jewish person is the victim of an antisemitic hate crime we would recommend that they get therapy... but we would also expect hate crime laws to change.

If a black person is the victim of police brutality we would recommend therapy... but we would also demand police reform.

If a man suffers some terrible thing we would recommend that he gets therapy... and that's it. Even when men's suffering is acknowledged there's never an expectation of society to change to address whatever caused it.

Pasolini123 · 2023-03-01T16:39:43+00:00

That's a really important and complicated topic. The fact that we started to talk about men's feelings, their emotional needs and the expectations towards them the society still has, is very positive. I see that many young men are eager to talk about it and that it seems to help many of them.

At the same time, even the best ideas can change into bad ideas as soon as they become religious dogmas. And sadly, that's what is also happening. Like in many other areas, the dominating feminist discourse opens one door to immediately close the other. Especially when the whole "you can talk and cry" idea is being presented as THE male advocacy. The one which makes any other debates redundant and the one which proves, that feminism will save us. Meanwhile all the "difficult topics" like conscriprition, false rape accusations, unequal definitions of rape, demonization of men and misandry etc. remain untouched, if not even killed by this "wonderful" formula, which makes it so easy to pretend that one cares for men, when in fact the only thing one cares about is the coherence of one's own political beliefs.

Another problem is: men should be allowed to cry and they should feel free to do it, when they want to. But they shouldn't be "forced" to it, according to another dogma which regards gender merely as a construct and immagines the hypothetical "non-gendered" individual as behaving the way, women usually do.

I never liked machismo. I never wanted to be a macho guy. Just like I - as a gay guy - never found these kinds of guys especially attractive. I cry when I have to. I talk about my problems when I feel like. I love sensitive guys who are not affraid of their emotions. Yet with all that being said, I really don't feel, that crying and especially talking is the way of dealing with emotions, which works the best for me.

Sometimes I like to debate about certain things in a more analytical way. Sometimes I just want my friends or my parents to know that I feel bad. And yes, sometimes I do need to cry as well. But I hate to dwell on my problems. I really don't need my buddies to organize a pyjama party for me and cry with me the whole night. I expect them to let me feel they are there for me and then to do something together with me. To have a pint, watch a stupid movie, go with me somewhere.

I guess that's how most guys feel about it and I think it's O.K.

fessus_intellectiva · 2023-03-01T21:54:32+00:00

I like the Tin Man's stuff. Are they based in England?

trapking3k · 2023-03-01T20:17:52+00:00

Do you think some of the solution could come from reforms of capitalism?

Nihi1986 · 2023-03-02T01:43:29+00:00

I'm affraid the necessary changes to mitigate this problem won't happen anytime soon, not to mention all the hypocrisy around the subject.

Comrade9174 · 2023-03-12T20:10:42+00:00

I cut myself the other day because I'm so depressed as the result of constant bullying from misandrists, isolation, and loneliness.

Title	It's time to talk
Author	TheTinMenBlog
Upvotes	258
Comments	23
Date	March 1, 2023 11:48 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates/comments/11f1qbb/its_time_to_talk/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates/its-time-to-talk.1153962 https://theredarchive.com/post/1153962

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