A question on pair bonding ...

pearlsandstilettos · 2020-09-10T11:09:15+00:00

This post has garnered a lot of attention. As per the OPs edit: this question is directed towards women's experience with this theory. It is not the place for men to discuss their feelings about n count. It is not about the divorce correlation with n count or anything other than the.pair bonding concept.

TRP was built on men comparing note. This thread is for women to compare notes. If you think something is out of line with rpw hit the report button. Otherwise further deviation from the topic by male particants will be removed and banned.

Ionotropic_effect · 2020-09-09T12:19:12+00:00

IDK I wasn’t a virgin prior to marriage and I have no problems bonding with my husband. There’s also a massive difference if a woman has slept with 100+ men to feel validated and a women who was in a handful of committed LTRs, especially if she’s older.

daffodil-13- · 2020-09-09T18:02:26+00:00

I feel a couple things:

One, this seems true of both sexes. RP guys obviously won’t be focused on the other side of the equation, but I wouldn’t marry a dude with an insane n count who hadn’t clearly grown and changed his ways.

Two, the people arguing about whether or not someone can grow up and move past being promiscuous seem so cynical to me. Anyone is capable of maturing and becoming a better person if they’re willing to do the work.

2020-09-09T14:36:04+00:00

I don't think there any 100% accurate hard and fast rules. My husband was only my second... well, everything and my first of a few things. Sex was always this huge thing for me and I had no desire to share it with some stranger. I think it's made our relationship stronger. My husband doesn't say much on the subject, but I think he really values that he's on such a small list. I think he trusts me more, too. He'd much rather be with a former 23-year-old divorcee with a count of 2, including him, than someone never married with a count of 15.

All that being said, his best friend's wife told me she's been with 23 people. She's a really devoted wife and mother and her husband, a very traditional man, never asked for those details. To my knowledge, he still doesn't know and doesn't want to know. So, it's not impossible for women with higher counts.

Ionotropic_effect · 2020-09-09T15:04:13+00:00

I have a ridiculously high body count. Double-digits. I know there is research out there showing that promiscuous women are less likely to have long-lasting marriages free of infidelity. There does appear to be something to the idea. I'll just say anecdotally, I'm obsessed with my husband, love him to death, been with him 10 years and I love him more than anyone else I ever met in my life.

He does say he probably wouldn't have dated me if I was still sleeping around a lot when he met me. But when he met me, I'd gone about 2 years without sex. I had this whole intervention from a bunch of family members, because I was engaging in a lot of risky behavior and going home with guys I met online. Just really dangerous stuff. So my great aunt and grandmother sobbing that I was going to end up murdered or kidnapped got me to get my act together. My dude had literally only had sex one time when I met him at age 24. I thought he was going to be bothered by my past. He wasn't very bothered, but says it's only because I was a couple years removed from that behavior (which tells me on some level he doesn't love it). I guess I'd say both men and women probably should take high body counts as a pink flag (not exactly red). It's something to consider. I think it is possible for people who have had a lot of sex to pair-bond, but I can't argue with the research that shows promiscuity complicates pair-bonding.

(Also, from what I understand pair-bonding just means truly deep sacrificial love. They worry women who can't pair-bond will cheat on them or not truly love them).

Edit: After reading some of the insanely high hypothetical body counts in the other comments, maybe my body count isn't as insane as I thought. Think somewhere between 14-20. Still a lot, but 50+??? How does one even do that?

2020-09-10T06:58:24+00:00

I think about N count from a behavioural perspective. If we had strong feelings of attachment to every one-night stand, our soul/heart would be ripped to shreds. So, repeated exposure can cause us to dampen our connection with our sexual partners, and diminishing the value of sex overall. I always say, sex for self-gratification is just masturbating with another person. If you can downgrade other people to mere sex objects, than inherently that is all you are too. Alternatively, people can grow accustomed to the novelty and gratification, and so when monogamy does happy it is very hard to commit because the addiction to sleeping around might become a challenge - resulting in cheating or other bad behaviours. Overall, promiscuity can signal a lack of respect for the deeper human virtues and values.

Coming back to behavioural psychology, essentially, the behaviours we repeat become easier over time. If you act in a way that focuses on sexual gratification and pleasure fulfillment you may train your brain to focus on that. Therefore, adapting back into a stable monogamous mindset would be extra difficult to do.

numba2deluxe · 2020-09-09T12:48:45+00:00

It's said that there is a social and sexual type of pair bonding, but for one thing it is not what keeps a LTR or marriage alive. More of a phenomenon experience for some people, whether it be social or sexual. It's not necessary to have. Men can also experience the phenomenon of pair bonding. Really from what the definition describes it just sounds like the way we go about mating and how it can potentially lead to a strong lifelong bond. That is where I believe people came up with describing their bond with someone as soul mates (I don't believe in the that).

A lot of studies on the subject revolve around the chemicals in animal brains (voles and monkeys) and comparing it to humans. It is theorized that the chemical's in our brains depreciate over the course of multiple sexual partners. It's not 100% truthful. There is a book called Hooked by Joe S. Mcllhaney, Jr., and Freda Mckissic Bush if you want to further look into what scientific studies have observed. I take studies like these with a grain of salt however due to the fact that we are human and capable of thought, self reflection, and change. We are not comparable to animals.

Honestly our behaviors and characteristics determine how our relationships will last. How we handle certain situations of pain, loss, sadness, etc will either strengthen you or weaken you. Promiscuous women run the chance of not finding a permanent partner because they don't want to change (actions) and are more likely to be filled with anxiety that leverages their impulse to keep making the same bad habit and choices.

MirriMazDuur · 2020-09-09T13:29:55+00:00

With shame, I have to admit that I used to be exactly THAT type of woman who'd hook up with strangers and barhop all day. Since then I moved town and changed my entourage, I focused on my studies, then on my work and, slowly, all the issues that made me behave that way were gone. I very naturally just stopped being interested in party culture and sought meaningful relationships. Perhaps some see me as a hypocrite for it ... but what also changed was that I stopped demanding things from the world and also started giving back. The reasons for which I was promiscuous were some mental issues that I had since resolved and I have no problem bonding with my boyfriend (4 years together). Some people do stay the same, though, and make no effort to better themselves. I think it's more important to ask WHY a woman was promiscuous.

kneesofthetrees · 2020-09-09T13:07:51+00:00

My two cents: my current boyfriend, who I believe will become my husband, is the 11th person I’ve had sex with. We have no trouble bonding, and I’m still crazy excited about sex with him and even a little nervous sometimes. Our bond is incredibly beautiful, on a higher level than any bond I’ve experienced before. I’m definitely not jaded or used up, as some would assume. He knows I was a bit more promiscuous in the past but he’s not interested in the details, and I don’t ask about his details. I know I was far from his first too.

I think it could have been damaging to me if I had been sleeping with strangers, but it was always with partners or with friends that become FWBs, so they were people who I trusted and whose company I enjoyed. I certainly wouldn’t make those same choices now, but I’m not mad at myself about doing that as a teen.

10 or 15 is much different than one or two, but it’s also wayyy different than 50+, and sex with friends is much different than hooking up with strangers from the bar.

I totally understand why some men— and women — prefer a partner with a lower count and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s all personal. But I reject the idea that more having partners inherently makes it harder for you to pair bond.

2020-09-09T14:11:26+00:00

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Throwaway230306 · 2020-09-10T01:24:38+00:00

I can't answer this question at all, but I also wonder about pair bonding because it's by far the murkiest RP concept for me. I have questions like:

-How does pair bonding account for the difference in sex with beta and alpha men? If a woman has 6 unexciting shlubby beta partners and then finds her 5 mins of alpha guy, does she still pair bond less with him although he's the most (or only) exciting sex partner she's had?

-What's the explanation for pair bonding if, until the last 150 years, most women's sex partners were selected for them for practical reasons rather than for emotional or sexual attachment? And most women, prostitutes aside, couldn't have a bunch of sex partners without facing massive social consequences.

Added: When I hear "pair bonding" I think of long- term emotional and sexual attachment to one's partner. (And isn't that a pretty modern idea in itself?)

clitorophagy · 2020-09-09T13:36:48+00:00

Psh I think that’s their insecurity talking.

Pair bonding is both a hormone thing and an emotional thing and it works well in healthy relationships with lots of hot sex no matter what the history is.

There’s a lot of incels who find red pill and when it doesn’t make them as successful with women as they want it to they look for someone to blame. Labeling the women who don’t click with them as sluts is an easy out

DifferentApricot4115 · 2020-09-09T15:55:25+00:00

My friends been with 15 men and she’s completely in love with her husband

fairydust91 · 2020-09-09T17:16:34+00:00

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aussiedollface2 · 2020-09-09T21:35:17+00:00

I actually think it’s kinda true for both genders, if it’s extreme. Loads of meaningless sex kinda numbs people imo xo

RPWThrowaway2525 · 2020-09-10T00:04:57+00:00

Idk I think that men tend to hang up on their exes more than women do. I think that the whole sleeping with a man = decreases pair bonding with with the next is more about what causes a woman to sleep around than her actual n count. Women who have a lot of casual sex are more likely to have mental disorders such BPD and NPD that do hinder pair bonding but I don’t think the actual act of sex lowers that ability. Whether a woman is attached to a man usually has nothing to do with her partner count and more to do with how attractive he is to her and how he measures up to other men in her life

MilkiesMaximus · 2020-09-11T22:37:21+00:00

In the theory of pair bonding I would say it's a thing, and that thing is called falling in love with someone. PB is just a more clinical name for it. In terms of one's ability to pair bond based on the number of partners I think the number of partners matter less than the quality of the relationships. Having abusive relationships (emotionally or physically) tends to lead more to a women being hesitant to bond to another man as quickly for fear of the same thing happening. Trust is needed for anyone to band with another person on any meaningful level.

Poet1869 · 2020-09-09T21:52:24+00:00

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pearlsandstilettos · 2020-09-09T23:36:23+00:00

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fairydust91 · 2020-09-09T14:00:32+00:00

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Title	A question on pair bonding ...
Author	fairydust91
Upvotes	33
Comments	84
Date	September 9, 2020 11:56 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/ipegla/a_question_on_pair_bonding/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/a-question-on-pair-bonding.212470 https://theredarchive.com/post/212470

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