Hi RPW! About two years back I did a YouTube show for a few months. This is the outline from the show where we discussed Alpha Widowhood. It is not formatted well but I figured I'd put it out there for anyone interested. I hope it's of interest to someone.

Defining Alpha Widow: A woman (typically but not necessarily post-wall) who has been abandoned by an Alpha male. No matter how great her new man is, she will perceive him as failing to meet the standard of the alpha she was previously associated with. Due to hypergamy, a woman cannot date backwards, once she gets say, a male 8, she cannot date below a male 8 and be happy with him. If she does, she is just using said man for resources (BB) and doesn't really love him. Essentially, a damaged woman accustomed to a tier of man she can no longer attract.

 

1)     Why alpha widows matter to men

a)     Vetting – not putting resources into someone who isn’t fully devoted to you

b)     Men can’t fix alpha widowhood – best to avoid

 

2)     Women’s Perspective – Possible Avenues of Alpha Widowhood

a)     Nothing is not-fixable. Alpha widowhood is a victim mentality that you get stuck in

i)       You actually dated ‘out of your league’ (self improvement needed)

ii)     The chemistry was intense / sex amazing (better understanding of your own sex drive needed)

iii)    You have an overly idealize vision of him (usually from a short term relationship/encounter) (more realistic perspective on him needed)

iv)    You have fixated for a reason that has nothing to do with the man (examination of your motivations needed)

(1)   Ex: you were in competition with another woman an lost

(2)   Ex: he engaged in manipulation tactics that drew you to him (intermittent reward)

b)     How is it different from a normal break up?

i)       If a reasonable amount of time has passed and you haven’t moved on at all, you might be an alpha widow

(1)   A 2007 study found 71% of people who'd gone through a recent breakup felt better after about three months, while a survey of some 2,000 people in 2017 put the number at six months. For divorces, a 2009 study found people take roughly 18 months on average to move on.

(2)   Breaking a habit – 21 days (internet wisdom) 18 – 254 days (research), habit formation 10 weeks / 2.5 months (research)

(a)   Time influenced by: how long you’ve had the habit, if the behavior is integrated into your life, rewards associated, if other behaviors reinforce the habit, motivation to change

(i)     Motivation to change is big for the AW

ii)     If you can’t see any of his flaws – you might be an alpha widow

iii)    If you are still faithful to him even though you haven’t seen each other in a year – YMBAAW

iv)    If you can’t make connections with other men – YMBAAW

(1)   If you can’t even swipe right on other men – YMBAAW

(a)   But differentiate from traumatic experiences – domestic abuse or actual widowhood for example are outside of the scope here

3)     Prevention

a)     Avoid short term relationships

i)       You are still both putting on your best face, it’s easy to idealize someone who you’ve only known for a short time

(1)   Break ups happen, but you can avoid men who are not interested in LTR or FWB situation

(2)   Choose when to have sex wisely

b)     Avoid casual sex

i)       The more partners you have the more likely one will be ‘the best’ – or you’ll have an instant chemistry that is hard to replicate

(1)   Longer term if the attraction is there, learning about each other develops good sex over time

ii)     This is especially true for who you lose your virginity to

4)     Getting Over Him

a)     “Normal” Breakup – in no particular order of importance

i)       No contact – includes internet stalking

ii)     Post Mortem Relationship Review

(1)   Where did you mess up? What would his friends say about you if they were asked?

(a)   Do not involve friends – “he doesn’t deserve you” bad and untrue

(2)   Where were you incompatible

(3)   What did you dislike about him, what red flags might you have ignored, what do you need to vet for or against next time

(a)   This is very easy in a normal break up, if you can’t think of anything that he did wrong, YMBAAW and you need to put this on hold and come back to it.

(b)   If all you can think of is his flaws then you are not clear headed enough to do this and you need to come back to it later

iii)    Pick up your hobbies and friends, get out there and be social, you are only allowed to wallow in self pity for a short time

(1)   What did you like about him that you could do for yourself – this is especially good for an AW

(a)   Ex: was he a gourmet chef? Take a cooking class

(b)   Ex: Did you love his motorcycle? Learn to ride

(c)   Ex: Did he have a hot body? Get in shape

(i)     We pine for things in other people that we yearn for in ourselves

1.     These things take some of the ‘awe’ away from the guy for the AW

2.     Taking up hobbies that interest you get you involved socially with men who have qualities that you have been attracted to

iv)    Take a period to remember and mourn and the lock that shit down

(1)   You keep feelings alive for yourself by constantly talking about and remember them

(2)   This will destroy new relationships and potential relationships –

(a)   fondly reminiscing about your ex on a first date? Red Army!

(b)   Keeps you from focusing on new relationship (this is a big AW problem)

v)     Take time in nun mode to reset yourself

(1)   You need time away from dating so you aren’t looking for a carbon copy (easy replacement

(2)   Alternative: you need time so you aren’t going polar opposite

(3)   Time out of the market refreshes you and helps the alpha not overshadow all new men

5)     Alpha Widow Break Ups

a)     Get your friends to tell you all his flaws.

i)       Need to take him off the pedestal.

b)     Envision your ideal man and list his qualities (wait until you’ve been NC with Mr. Alpha for at least 6 months)

i)       Consider men you’ve admired in life – dad, coaches, teachers, bosses, coworkers

ii)     Even consider celebs you are physically attracted to

(1)   You want to measure your future partners against an ideal not against Mr. Alpha

(2)   You know the ideal is that – ideal and are aiming to get as close to it as reasonable, where as Mr Alpha seems real and attainable even if he isn’t

c)     Let’s assume he’s really that awesome:

i)       Reframe your thinking as gratitude for having the experience in the first place

ii)     Don’t let sadness and loss turn to bitterness and anger

d)     Get that great yourself

i)       SMV: Female beauty is highly controllable

(1)   Learn makeup, learn hair, revamp your wardrobe, get to the gym

ii)     RMV: Work on skills that are desirable to the type of man you want to attract

e)     Start dating

i)       Keep an open mind about meeting a worthwhile guy

ii)     Accept dates

(1)   You should be going out and socializing already, keep an open mind

(2)   Tinder, OLD etc – if you find yourself skipping over men because they aren’t Mr. Alpha – start accepting dates with men who fit your ‘ideal man’ profile

(a)   Women are attracted to more than the physical so sometimes it takes a few meetings with a man to develop attraction

(i)     You can’t negotiate attraction – if initial feeling is ‘ick’ move on

(3)   This is very specific to AW – if you are so closed off to the possibility that other men will live up to Mr. Alpha then you need to force yourself to try.

f)      If all else fails then get to a therapist.

i)       Last resort but do not become a victim to your inability to move on