~ archived since 2018 ~

Moving on

January 13, 2023


My time here has reached its end. Between moderation and my alt, I have been here over half a decade and I'm tired.

Don't get me wrong, I've loved writing and sharing with all of you and had great fun arguing with the trolls. But most of the men have moved over to and no one reads the old content or the books. For all intents and purposes, this sub has become trad rather than RPW, and battle of the sexes rather than understanding our men. Those things are simply not me.

I wish you all a lifetime in a happy healthy relationship with a good man. Building strong families is the start of building strong cultures and is more important than it is credited to be.

You will see my name in the mod list for a time but I'm not here anymore after today. u/livelylychee is here to handle things from here on out. Lychee, I'm pulling the trigger. It's all you girl 🙂


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Post Information
Title Moving on
Author pearlsandstilettos
Upvotes 97
Comments 55
Date January 13, 2023 1:48 PM UTC (10 months ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
Original Link
Red Pill terms in post

[–]LivelyLycheeModerator 15 points16 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

We love you Pearl! You guys have no idea how much dedication it takes to be the main moderator around here. Pearl’s work under this account and her other alts have literally changed my life, and I am SO grateful. I hope for all the best for you and I’m glad to have met a great friend like you! Forever thankful and you will be SO missed 😭💓

I agree that something shifted when the youtubers, podcasters, and tiktokers started diluting the message with watered down or straight up incorrect “RP” content, and we took a BIG hit when we lost r/whisper. People are more stubborn, less well-read on RP ideas, and much more black and white than before. TradConism and feminism continue to be an obstacle for the women here to fully understand that RPW is supposed to be nuanced and tailored to you. It certainly makes it more difficult to have a productive environment and as Whisper used to say, eventually all of us graduate from RP/RPW. With your own growing girls and busy life, I completely understand and respect your shift in priorities!

However, I’m not done here yet as I’m in a different life stage than Pearl and I still have hope for the place, because I know the power it has to change lives like it changed my own. I want to try to make sure whoever wants to can change theirs as well. I will be the active moderator for now, but we will be searching for new mods privately to make sure that we can still deal with the volume of trolls, lost men, feminists, and meanies 😂 please bear with the team in this transitional period but if all goes to plan we will have a fully staffed ship in the coming months!

[–]brushshstrokes 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy Link

Where can I read Whisper's stuff?

[–]LivelyLycheeModerator[M] 5 points6 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

It’s still available on The Red Archive. A lot of his stuff is still in the sidebar too. What I miss and don’t think we can find are all of his comments. He really went into depth for a lot of people, and I don’t really know how to trace those.

[–]Protocol_ApolloTRP Endorsed 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

All is not lost…he’s done pdfs of the top voted comments of ECs/Vanguards recently.

[–]Advanced_Bar_673Endorsed Contributor 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I agree that one of my favorite things was also looking at Whisper's comments in various subs he participated in, and learning from those! 💗

[–]Protocol_ApolloTRP Endorsed 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Check my comment .

[–]brushshstrokes 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–]exclaim_bot 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link


You're welcome!

[–]Aware_Chocolate_2902 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

What's the issue with Trad conservatism? I'm new here

[–]LivelyLycheeModerator[M] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

There’s nothing wrong with it on its own and tradcon women are certainly welcome here.

The problem arises when moralizing happens. A lot of the time, tradcons are the ones to say that you should do something because it’s the right thing to do, or that _____ is wrong/evil/bad simply because it goes against tradition/religion. The problem is that this type of “advice” does not offer any actual incentive and instead relies on shame, which isn’t a productive or sustainable motivator. “Should” just means “I want”, and it’s all fine and good that you want men to provide for women, or you want women to behave conservatively, but it doesn’t show us HOW to make men WANT to provide, or HOW to make women CHOOSE to have different values. We want our community to have actionable courses to take.

It’s also unnecessarily fatalistic, a lot of the time. The vast majority of the women who come here will not be virgins with zero baggage. That doesn’t mean that they are unredeemable or that they have no choice but to settle (or worse, repent, as I’ve seen advised before). RPW is at its core about self-improvement, and that can happen for anyone at any stage of their life.

[–]Cosima_Fan_Tutte 11 points12 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

😭 you'll be missed!

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you. That is nice to hear :-)

[–]cohost3 8 points9 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

You will be so missed! I agree that this sub is not what it used to be. I used to fight it by reporting things that didn’t belong, but I got tired of that eventually. Maybe the people that want to continue could start a new one?

Wish you the best.

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[S] 13 points14 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Yes the reports we used to get were more on target. Now it's just as often "this is a man and I don't like what he's saying". And don't get me wrong, we ban a LOT of men simply for not having a clue what they are talking about.

While I always am in favor of people making other subs that speak to their niche, the RPWives sub has effectively died (though I'm sure they'd love to see an influx). This sub has been sustained by our proximity to TRP more than anything. I thought that taking it off reddit into a Telegram discussion group might help. From that I learned that you really need the right group of women who are engaged and chatty. If you don't have a solid core group that likes to spend their days talking on the internet, it's hard to sustain the discussion.

[–]undothatbutton 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I was surprised by the number of men posting and commenting here to be honest. I get it when they have the flair of being endorsed or even if they’re giving a solid RPW (or maybe MRP?) response, but like, aren’t men otherwise not supposed to post? Especially the ones asking for advice or just trolling. I actually almost unsubbed after I joined because I saw so many posts from men which just isn’t why I joined in the first place! I specifically like the RPW voices. There are plenty of corners of Reddit and the internet to hear men’s or RP men’s opinions, but precious few to hear genuine RP women’s!

[–]Blackhawk24792 Stars 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for not banning this particular man, pearl, all the best.

[–]Ok_Obligation_61101 Star 5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You will be so missed! It’s totally understandable why you’re leaving. I’m still blaming tiktok for the demise of quality posts on this sub. It’s frustrating what type of advice seems to get up voted most on here as it doesn’t usually align with RPW values and often isn’t even advice. Wish you all the best!

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you and yes I agree, when RP moved from blogs to tiktok and youtube something got lost. It's sad and I will always be glad I found it when I did.

[–]AgreeableAd7689 4 points5 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

How do we read the old context and the books?

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[S] 14 points15 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

That is the link for the wiki. I know that it's difficult if not impossible to find on new reddit. I don't use new reddit so I can't even say how things look on there.

The books that we have always recommended are Laura Doyle's Surrendered Wife, Fascinating Womanhood, For Women Only and often Laura Gottlieb's Marry Him for the single ladies specifically.

[–]AgreeableAd7689 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I’m reading the empowered wife by Laura Doyle right now 😍😍 obsessed. Almost cried on the train today note taking things I appreciate from my partner that I feel I don’t do often enough.

[–]mizchanandlerbong 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I know how you feel. I read Fascinating Womanhood to break the weird dynamics my boyfriend and I were struggling with. The appreciating one's partner thing really resonated with me. When I took stock of the things that my boyfriend goes through, he lives in a constantly criticized state from others, and me. When I started to be a "soft place to land", he started to trust me more.

I think that those books are misunderstood. It's not about being a doormat or whatever people tend to think. Those books are for a certain relationship dynamic that isn't appreciated today, not to mention, it's not a rigid set of rules that must be followed. To be in this style of relationship, it takes, for lack of a better phrase, an old fashioned woman. I don't mean someone old, I mean someone who knows that women and men have strengths that can work together, a woman who is open to recognizing nuances in a relationship. It can be difficult (as it was for me, at first) to confront that maybe how I was raised/influenced were not the best way to be in the current relationship I am in.

I'm looking forward to reading more.

[–]AgreeableAd7689 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes I’ll be buying more of her books for sure. I’m glad you’re getting a positive experience for your relationship as well. I don’t get any doormat vibes but more maturity and respect vibes from the books. I hope other don’t try to misinterpret it.

End of the day it’s not about the problem but how you go about. She teaches you the how part 💕

[–]Flat_Shower 9 points10 points  (16 children) | Copy Link

What differences do you see between trad women and RPW?

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[S] 30 points31 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

In terms of being able to apply the principles that we discuss very little. It comes out in terms of advice.

The trads appeal to well tradition. And this makes sense and a lot of RPW takes its foundation from traditional ways of existing. However, this makes the relationship a matter of 'should'. You should marry young, you should stay home, he should provide, you should give him sex, he should treat you well, monogamy should be the only way.

This is all well and good and doesn't look too different from my life at the moment. It is a problem when you give advice based on 'should' rather than based on mutual understanding of each other. Women will say "well he should be doing this, or he should treat you better or he shouldn't be looking at other women" and that is their advice. But you can't change him. He's not doing what he "should" do and there is no traditional societal structure to push him back into line.

This is where RPW provides an understanding of male behavior, what are natural drives that men conquer to be in a relationship or natural drives that help men in a relationship. RPW says that you don't want a guy who is mean to you but to look to yourself and see if there is anything you are contributing.

And more and more RPW gets accused of gaslighting women into taking responsibility for bad men instead of recognizing that it OFTEN takes two to tango. Having come to the other side of a relationship that was full of arguments and sniping, I KNOW that what looks like 100% his fault, isn't.

I think you can be RPW without being Trad and Trad without being RPW even thought in most cases they are going to overlap quite a bit. But as a moderator, I feel tired of holding back to tide of 'you waited too long to get married, you shouldn't have a career, you messed up by having sex' and probably a host of other things that are Trad but not RPW.

[–]pieorstrudel52 Stars 14 points15 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Pearl, you will be missed. Your video series on you tube is what got me into RPW for good. I am an approaching middle aged woman in an " untraditional" long term relationship (we don't live together), but with "traditional" ideas of men and women and how they complement each other for the better. We have been together for dang near a decade. It works for us, we don't care what others think. And yes, agreed - this has become a refuge for tradcon. I am a childless, career minded, high achieving, almost 40 year old. I am the picture of doom to most tradcons. But it's also the only space I can find that I can semi relate to.

I have told my LTR, that RPW doesn't always feel like a home for me. I would rather claw my eyes out than watch Mrs. Midwest tell me to wear an apron while I bake in my thrifted old navy dress. RPW has become obsessed with what I call the frilly side of femininity. There is so much more depth and nuance to my womanhood. And it's so interesting to discuss that. But by all means.... Please ask me for the 100th what feminine hobbies you should pick up.

Would love for you to come back and host a chat with topics! But I know you are supporting a young family. Go be great!

[–]neuro_mancy2 Stars 5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Love this! I feel similarly. How would you describe your identity as it relates to femininity and RPW?

I also joined this sub while dating someone I really loved, with no plans to live together. I felt like this sub helped me learn skills to balance the relationship-minded side of myself with the career-oriented side of myself. I know this sub is for everyone, but it hasn't felt like it lately. I felt very seen by Pearl's moderation in the posts that got me my stars, even though nothing about my situation was tradcon.

[–]pieorstrudel52 Stars 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I am really thinking about this, but if you want to chat I might could articulate points better haha. I have drafted a couple of things and it just seems so.... Long winded.

[–]neuro_mancy2 Stars 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah I'd love to hear your long winded thoughts!

[–]Advanced_Bar_673Endorsed Contributor 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Do you have a link for her video series? Or are you referring to her being on the TRP University channel?

[–]pieorstrudel52 Stars 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That is the series I am referring to.

[–]Jenneapolis2 Stars 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Agree with all of this!

[–]neuro_mancy2 Stars 12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think RPW is more of how you treat the man you're with regardless of what role you play in society, and trad as a set of cultural expectations/ideals that confine you to being a certain "type" of woman with a particular role.

[–]malazanbettas 4 points5 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[S] 3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Yes, shhhh I wrote that.

[–]malazanbettas 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

I was stalking your profile and found lots of great things plus an answer to this question 🖤 win/win

Sucks to see you leaving though.

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Oh i didn't even realize that you linked the one that we used from back to basics. I wrote the original version of that what feels like a loooong time ago under and old alt.

[–]malazanbettas 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh how funny, yes that whole series was so helpful!

[–]mindyourown_biz 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m interested as well

[–]LadySandcastle 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Aw Pearl you will be missed! Wishing the best for you always :)

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you so much :-)

[–]_Pumpkin_Muffin5 Stars 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You will be missed. Thank you for all your writings, thank you for making me feel "not crazy, just a woman" like you told me on Telegram :), and take care!

[–]VasiliyZaitzevTRP Senior Endorsed[🍰] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Au revoir et bonne chance!

[–]Twilight_Rose99 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Best wishes, you’ll be missed❤️

[–]Environmental_Ad58673 Stars 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Wishing you all the best u/pearlsandstilettos! Thank you for all that you’ve done for this sub. You will be missed

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

:-) thank you

[–]Wife_and_MamaEndorsed Contributor 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I get it. I've left and deleted my usernames like five times. Best wishes!

[–]TheBunk_TB 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link


Thank you for your patience answering my strange questions.

[–]free_breakfast_Endorsed Contributor 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you for all of your hard work and dedication to moderating the forum over the years. I've learned a lot from your writings and always appreciated your perspectives and experiences you brought to the community using your free time, energy, and care. You deserve a well needed rest and thank you again for your investment and the love that you put into the community.

Mod work is a labor of love and it can become difficult when community members graduate and you begin losing original voices, thoughts, and what made RPW to be a red pill community when it shifts towards relationship advice minus the actual 'red pill'. There's a few thoughts that I have on that as far as cycles of graduating members who leave the community but also my thoughts lay more towards internet censorship and algorithm cancelling to choke out communities without triggering Streisand effects.

I'll still be around until the wiki becomes more complete and then I'll likely move over to since that will hopefully become new grounds for a defendable position from being censored and will likely be connected to future corporations that are establishing themselves against free speech censorship.

[–]mizchanandlerbong 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This sub has helped me so much. You will be missed!

[–]CountTheBeesEndorsed Contributor 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Pearl, you have been the bulwark here for a long time. On your alts, you brought wisdom. I haven't engaged with the stuff you wrote as much as I should have, it seemed aimed at another stage of life. But I will be returning to it when I need it. I noticed your prods at me to correct my thinking and I listened! Much respect, and much fondness. I always like to see your name(s) in a thread, even if it's just a quiet "Removed." And if it's your alt and I have no idea what you're on about (you're normally too subtle for my sledgehammer brain), it means I have some understanding to do.

On change on this sub - in terms of new joiners, I think it's livelier than it was when I started posting. I kind of created the content I wanted to see. We now have way more regular commenters on their way to 5 stars or EC status, such that there's almost no need for me anymore. Simultaneously, I've noticed lots of wonky reasoning and a major lack of vulnerability, like you say, Battle of the Sexes. How much can I extract the most out of this man before he extracts the most out of me?

Be well, Pearl, you'll excel at anything you do. "Building strong families..." Is exactly the reason I joined. Thank you so much!

[–]Advanced_Bar_673Endorsed Contributor 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You will be missed u/pearlsandstilletos ❤️❤️❤️ I am sad to hear this, as I took a break from this group and recently came back for a refresher on all things RPW.

Thank you so much for generously sharing your knowledge, advice, resources and time with this group 💗 I too am a bit discouraged by the shift into more TradCon/ Feminist/ Bickering Mode , and would really encourage all newer members to dive into the Wiki for posts, recommend reading, and other information found there.

Thank you for all you have done for us, and best wishes for the future 💕 xoxo

[–]Mission_Honeydew_597 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You said this with so much grace 🤍 I hope I haven’t added to the battle of the sexes or contributed to losing the war opposed to understanding what men want. I’ve read some of your past post and it was insightful. So thank you so much love

[–]brushshstrokes 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

We'll miss you! I really appreciate all the work you've done, including the podcasts!

[–]downtownbrunch 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Wishing you the best ❤️ I used to read your posts under your mod account and another alt you had when I was under a different account myself. Thank you for all the genuinely good advice you’ve posted over the years and for the work you put into moderating this sub. As others have said, you will most certainly be missed!

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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