Appropriate expectations for emotional support?

Laceandsilks · 2017-12-16T20:03:19+00:00

I am very sorry for your loss.

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Moderation Note: Please be sensitive and respectful to /u/veavx's situation. ANY rude comments will result in a 14 day ban. Be polite or be quiet.

RubyWooToo · 2017-12-16T20:17:07+00:00

I’m sorry for your loss! I’ve miscarried before but not so late term.

Might I ask how your husband has been reacting to all this and how he has be coping? I think the hardest part about this process is when you’re both grieving it can be hard to be there for each other.

I think you should let him know what you need. Do you want him to listen to you? Try to distract you? I think asking for specifics is more helpful than just saying you need emotional support.

It’s also worth asking him what he needs from you so you can be there for each other.

Austinisfullgohome · 2017-12-16T21:22:02+00:00

I’m sorry for your loss.

What works for me is I just ask directly. No sugarcoating. I just say, “Babe, I’m having a really rough time right now. Come hold me please.” He knows since I don’t abuse it, I mean it. Once I’ve composed myself I thank him for being my shoulder and we both get on with our day.

Would this be possible, do you think? Or are you in search of more consistent emotional support?

Laceandsilks · 2017-12-16T20:30:51+00:00

Can you please provide some additional information?

how long did you date prior to marriage?
is it possible that he's trying to hold it together because he doesn't want you to see his pain?
have you talked to him and described what you need? "I'm really struggling, will you hold me?"

It's not unreasonable to want additional support from your husband right now, how you ask will make a big difference.

teaandtalk · 2017-12-16T20:40:53+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss, that must be very, very hard. /r/miscarriage or /r/babyloss might be of help to you while you're going through this.

Yes, you can expect a little more emotional support at this time. That's not selfish. BUT, and this is important, remember that he is likely grieving too - maybe it looks different to how you're grieving, because typically men do grief differently. If he can't provide the emotional support you need, (after you tell him, explicitly, that you need it), that's not a failing on his part. I'd suggest, if that happens, that you instead rely on the support of your female family members/close friends, and see a counsellor if necessary.

HelpIAmAnAspie · Sat Dec 16 21:10:24 2017 UTC

I would just ask for physical support like Laceandsilks said. I might say, it really hurts me that this happened, or I am really sad because I was really looking forward to having a kid with you, fears you may have, but I would personally not try to converse about it for a long period of time, or continue to talk it over, because I do not feel like that would be conducive for me personally to get better, and would just stress my guy out. I would probably wait until the weekend if possible, because I feel that's generally a less stressful time to bring up hard stuff, and I would not want my guy to worry about me while he is at work. If you feel you really need help, I might say something like "I need help getting through this," and then state how I feel and my fears, but still keeping it short and clear. If I was crying for example, he can't understand what I am saying through tears. I would have to go calm down first (this would be really hard, kinda hard to calm down when you are sad like that, but I would just ask him to hold me and then when I know for sure I am coherent again, try again to speak, or text him).

I think having an overly emotional crying &/ talking session would make it worse for both of us personally, if something similar happened to us, but I also do not think you need to "keep yourself under control." If you feel you are stressing him out though, especially when he is just home from work, you may decide to go be alone for a bit or something. Watch some funny videos maybe, I think you need some lightness, when you are ready :) That would help with me at least. This may be lame, and may not be your thing, but I have heard of some people doing this - some people like a way to say goodbye somehow when they have lost someone, to write a letter, or draw/paint a picture, and then let go. It is definitely not for everyone, that's for sure, but I know some people for whom it helped. Crying alone may help, some people like that emotional release, but if it makes you feel more alone, that may not be for the best.

Men sometimes cry when they lose someone, even when they are rock hard/stone cold the rest of their life. He may feel he has to be strong for you like RubyWooToo said. Often men try to be a "rock," feeling that, and probably very realistically in terms of life, that "one of us has to be strong right now." But women often want the opposite, and may not appreciate their approach to these situations, wanting them to get emotional too, sometimes even more so. I remember reading a psychology article saying when men do the opposite and "overdo" the emotional reaction, women often calm down. Idk if that would apply to these situations though, but I do think we would want to know we aren't alone in this in that way.

What you want is not bad at all, but I would try to include his feelings in it too, because you both lost someone.

I hope he can help! I can't imagine how it would feel to lose a baby after all that preparation and excitement :c

ThatStepfordGal · 2017-12-17T01:19:45+00:00

I’m sorry to hear this, I do think your husband needs to know how you feel, be calm and open at first. He may be confused if you come to him with lots of tears and sobbing and may be bewildered. You can ease into that further on in the conversation, though start calmly and clearly.

My well wishes are with you.

vintagegirlgame · 2017-12-17T07:54:03+00:00

Of course you can ask for support. But men respond better with actions vs. words. Ask for support in tangible ways, like date nights, movie nights, hugs, help with chores...whatever actions might help you feel supported, cheer you up, distract you from grief or just help you feel safe.

Truly you need the support of your women more than ever. Other women will be able to understand what you're going through WAY better than any man. Many women experience miscarriages and suffer in silence, but if you can bond with women over these losses it will make you all feel stronger and more supported. Women are instinctively wired to be emotional supporters. They know how to listen, share and cry with you. Really get together with a woman or a few who you trust, and just CRY it out. Crying is an important cathartic feminine release, get it out in the arms of your women so you're not carrying around the weight of your grief. One of the best feminine experiences I ever had was a women's workshop with a group crying exercise. We seriously WAILED it out big time and we all felt sooo much better after!

M23W0OH7FV2t · 2017-12-17T17:29:34+00:00

Do you think it's okay to expect emotional support? Is it ever okay to ask for it directly?

Yes, you should expect your husband to emotionally support you. And, yes, it's ok to ask for it point-blank if he fails to deliver. Why would it not be?

somedayimight · 2017-12-17T18:33:09+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost a pregnancy at 20 weeks. It was terrible. Some days it still is. And it's very, very isolating. You definitely do need emotional support, but you might need to go elsewhere to get it.

My husband's grief was very different from mine. He seemed over it and ready to move on much sooner than I was. I think he preferred to not think about it. That was how he wanted to cope. But I desperately needed to talk about it. I still do. I learned that it was best to talk to others for that emotional support. Your husband might be in more pain than you know, and having to be there for you in your times of intense suffering is asking a lot of him. Seeing me in so much pain and being unable to alleviate it made mine feel helpless and angry. He likes to be able to fix things and make them better and there is just no fixing this.

I highly recommend the subreddit ttcafterloss. They're very active and they get it in a way no one in my real life got it. Almost a year after it happened, they continue to be my biggest source of support and comfort.

It was hard that there were times I wanted to talk about it and I knew he'd rather not. Sometimes we do talk about it. And I ask him every so often if he thinks about it. But I try not to do the big, sobbing-on-the-floor breakdowns in front of him. I try to respect his grief and give him space to process in his own way. It's still our tragedy, even if we're moving though it in our own ways.

Again, I'm so, so sorry. If you want to talk more, I'm happy to listen.

Hartley7 · 2017-12-18T03:44:59+00:00

I feel that it is a reasonable expectation to want emotional support from our Captains-particularly during very trying times.

Speak from the heart. Acknowledge that he might be grieving too. Tell him what you need without criticizing him for not being more open.

I'm so sorry for you loss, darling. hug

eucalyptus1818 · 2017-12-17T22:35:18+00:00

I might suggest secular or faith based grief counseling, as a couple. Sometimes a session can help you work out how to communicate your grief needs with each other. If he is deep in grief and has to be your sole support, it can cause resentment and vice versa, so make sure that you each have an external network of love and support.

I am so, so sorry for your loss.

DoriAnna23 · 2017-12-18T05:14:33+00:00

(Sorry for poor wording, no native speaker)

All these words for a stillborn baby seem to put guilt on the mother... We are not guilty.

We are entitled to emotional support.

If your husband, in his own grieve, cannot give it to you, seek for it in other places.

For me, the significant action was to attend a funeral for the starchildren, 12 years after I gave birth to my tiny 15-weeks-girl. (It was the year my city established this celebration)

I feel your loss, I am at your side.

Even though it happened to me 25 years ago.

I feel you!

TheLaughingRhino · Sun Dec 17 7:52:27 2017 UTC

I'm truly sorry for your loss.

My best unsolicited advice to you

A) It may be helpful to find a local support group. I.E. specifically other women who are right now or have gone through the same thing. Their experiences and coping strategies, specific to this situation, might help you in some way. I hope you seek it out, I hope the resources are there for you and I hope it does help you

B) People can only be who they are. Men are "fixers" This is a situation he cannot fix. What happens a lot, and it's more biological imperative than anything, is a desire for comfort is often really a proxy for a desire for stability. From a standpoint of survival instinct/biology/biological imperative, the loss of a child is going to bring up the "fitness" question of both people involved. People will question themselves naturally. Then they will question their mates. I think this is probably very natural in response.

There's a saying I learned in Israel. I don't know the full translation of it all, but it goes something like ... 'Resentment is a function of proximity' Sometimes when we are in pain and lost, we seek answers, and thus we seek accountability. We blame ourselves, then we deep down blame the others closest to us, because they are there. Sometimes that's all it comes down to, they are there. This is not a man thing, nor a woman thing, not a TRP thing, not a TRPW thing, it's mostly a human thing.

What I am saying is, my best guess, is you aren't angry at him for lack of emotional expression. You are upset/frustrated/angry at him because your biological imperative needs to unpack itself right now. You are hardwired to procreate. You, very unfortunately, did not. Your biology is driving you to distance yourself from him because his "fitness" as a potential father and mate are going to come into question. I know someone will say, it's not his fault. Biology and biological imperative does not care. It's not your fault either. Again, biology is cruel and does not care.

My gut instinct is for this relationship to survive in a situation like this

A) You have to forgive yourself, and come to terms that you "feel" that deep down you were at fault in some way for this. Even if you had no control, how you "feel" is a different thing altogether. It is, of course, not your fault. But I think coming to terms that you will feel that way anyway, accept you feel that way, to me, that is part of the path to healing.

B) You will have to forgive him, and come to terms even if he is not at fault either, that you "feel" that way and it's natural to feel that way.

Here's a hard lesson I've learned from combat. Sometimes you will be angry and you won't know fully why you are angry. Sometimes you won't even recognize it as anger. Sometimes you'll feel guilt and regret for even feeling the edges of anger in the first place. Anger is never processed in a static format. No one sits on a couch with a therapist and unpacks their anger magically. I think sadly this is sort of pseudo friendly Western safe conception. Anger is processed with "doing" Punch a punching bag. Get a hammer and break some rocks. Run until you can't feel your legs anymore. I cannot tell you the exact process of healing because healing is a little different for everyone, but here is something I do know, idleness is the end. Idle hands and idle minds are the end.

You cannot save the child you lost. Right now, you can only save yourself. Doing so is not selfish. You have to come to terms that what is good for you as a person and good for healing won't always be the thing that feels "right" in your head.

Again, I am truly sorry for your loss. You are, always, of course, welcome to PM me if you need someone to talk to further. I'm sure that offer will stand from most anyone here as well. That's entirely up to you.

I wish you and your husband the best here moving forward. Good luck.

Title	Appropriate expectations for emotional support?
Author	veavx
Upvotes	12
Comments	21
Date	December 16, 2017 8:02 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/7k95pc/appropriate_expectations_for_emotional_support/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/appropriate-expectations-for-emotional-support.73932 https://theredarchive.com/post/73932

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