Crying and vulnerability

NubianIbex · 2018-10-17T11:40:12+00:00

If you don't mind my saying, the approach you suggest here is manipulative and unhealthy. Suggestions like these are the ones that give RPW a negative reputation of women faking tradcon behavior to get a ring.

My go-to behavior when I'm upset used to be hiding somewhere and crying alone. With my husband, unlike other men, I felt safe enough to cry in front of him. I think this was good for both of us. However, this was actually me showing actual vulnerability, on rare occasions. A man who is captain material will likely see through an attempt to emotionally manipulate him.

Kara__El · 2018-10-17T12:16:37+00:00

This is emotional blackmail. Being submissive doesn't mean acting like a child.

skeleflor · 2018-10-17T15:08:20+00:00

Ideally, my Captain wouldn't require me to "calm" him down or "soften" him because he'd be in control of his own emotions. There's a difference between aggression and assertiveness. The latter is desirable, the former is potentially dangerous. In general, I think it's a bad idea for a woman to make herself "vulnerable" before male "aggression". Wilful insistence is also a different scenario from anger and would require a different approach. Tears aren't the appropriate lubricant for every conflict. Turning on the waterworks too often is a good way to ensure that in time he begins to question your emotional and mental stability, or that they'll simply lose their power through overuse. You want him to care and not be dismissive when you really have something worth crying over, don't you?

I wouldn't be with a man I felt I had to make a habit of softening toward me, or who was incapable of arguing in a civil, composed manner. Life is too short to tread on egg shells. If an argument got unusually heated for some reason, I'd give him the time and space to cool off, then when I saw evidence of the fever of his anger having broken, I'd appeal to him with a tender touch (shoulder rub, kiss on neck) and a soft voice ("Baby, can I get you anything?" "I hate when we fight; let's not." "I understand; I just feel [insert calm, succinct summary of desire/grievance] and needed you to hear me."). Never underestimate the power of the feminine voice. You can let him "lead" the argument and use your own soft, calm voice to modulate the tone of it. Be soft water to his hard rock. Hold your own composure and see if some of that anger in him doesn't yield. No need to be manipulative.

durtyknees · 2018-10-17T19:42:46+00:00

to soften your man in an argument and calm him down in a feminine way

To be actually feminine is to be flexible, meaning don't make someone else's problem be about you --- don't manipulate someone else (with tears or whatever) to bend to you, because your emotions/opinions do not matter when someone has blown their lid. Anger is always a personal matter to the person being angry.

This is the time when STFU (not just your mouth, but your facial expressions and body language/actions) is truly crucial. They'll calm down faster if you don't add fuel to their emotional fire.

If you're a person who can't be calm and chill when someone is being emotional, arguments will happen more often.

Being actually feminine is not about dresses, long hair, makeup, girly mannerisms, "child-like behavior", "emotionally vulnerable", or whatever image popular models are selling to men.

Being feminine is about knowing how to be flexible, or fluid --- like water: a "soft landing", yielding, receptive, graceful, adaptable, restorative, life-giving, and you fit into someone's life like water taking the shape of its (chosen) container.

Water flows, without a stick up its ass. Correctly channeled, water is a source of power.

GingerDoughGirl · 2018-10-17T13:42:04+00:00

One thing I learned is that my fiance responds extremely negatively to me being angry. What I have found through introspection is that often times anger isn't even the emotion I am feeling. I am usually hurt before I am angry but have been conditioned by society that anger is a stronger emotion and you shouldn't let people know they hurt you. So, I have had to learn how to stop the emotion train at the emotion the anger is covering up. This often results in processing the emotion to be showing vulnerability instead of skipping right to the "tougher" emotion of anger. It allows us to communicate better because I am being genuine and vulnerable instead of wearing a feeling that feels more protective. Our relationship got much less conflict laden when I got a good grasp on understanding these emotions better. I don't think it is manipulative as much as simply being more honest with myself and him about how I really feel in a moment. And, I am not engaged to a man who is content with me putting on a smile a pretending to be happy while saying, "Yes dear," to whatever he wants. He would say that is dishonest, manipulative, and would make him get fed up with me. When I have tried such nonsense in the past he called me on it pretty quickly, so the genuine transparency of showing him my vulnerable feelings (instead of anger or pretend happiness) allows deeper intimacy. Our relationship is happy and healthy though (more so than some of the ones I read about here) so I think we are doing something right.

misionariaprotectiva · 2018-10-18T21:07:30+00:00

I think there’s a distinction between ‘crying because you’re overwhelmed’ and ‘intentionally crying to achieve the outcome you want’.

Examples of the first category: an emotional movie, music, art, or issues outside of your relationship (e.g., work stress)

Examples of the second category: crying to deflect his anger, crying to coerce him to agree with you, crying to get attention.

My guy reacts to the first kind of crying with what I guess could fall under the category of ‘amused mastery’. He doesn’t always understand exactly what the issue is, and maybe can’t exactly empathize, but he can sympathize (I even think someone posted about this a few days ago!)

I don’t engage in the second type. That’s exploiting his desire to protect you. Do you really want to abuse that gift?

I_ysk · 2018-10-17T11:23:48+00:00

RP guy here. My personal stance on this:

If at any point I get the impression that tears are being employed in an effort to manipulate me, I lose interest in you as a person and become appalled.

This doesn't happen abruptly but in small fissures in the trust-relationship that cannot be fixed once they occurred.

Should those accumulate (and they do quickly, for me) there will be emotional detachment and me not becoming more sympathetic to but increasingly annoyed by your crying.

If we're in love, this might take longer, but I'll be annoyed nevertheless. I'll just bear it for longer until I detach myself.

thelittlestpotato · 2018-10-17T18:20:43+00:00

I actually hate crying in front of my boyfriend when he upsets me because it feels manipulative, even when I'm not trying to be. I do express my feelings openly, and don't hesitate to cry when it occurs naturally in other situations (I'm a deeply emotional person, and crying helps me feel better mentally and physically), but I dislike crying during arguments.

I much rather use physical touch as a method of connecting. Often, in the middle of a fight, all it takes is a gentle touch to help us remember we're on the same team.

cynicalhousewife · 2018-10-20T06:05:49+00:00

I find that men who have a more machismo masculine energy tend to be the more emotional ones themselves in a machismo sort of way and they like comforting crying women and being sappy and sentimental themselves. Intellectual men who have a more introverted and rational masculine energy generally don't like crying, sentimental women.

merel-- · 2018-10-19T15:13:10+00:00

but insists on his will

Uhmm... What do you mean by that?

If I have an argument with my partner we both calmly explain to eachother how we feel and try to find a compromise, if he is more emotional than me I'm not going to up the ante with even more emotions! Generally speaking I'm more emotional tho...

boom-boom-betty · 2018-10-17T13:17:14+00:00

Why are you even arguing with your Hubby? Just say “OK Honey” and be on your happy way. You don’t have to have arguments. Now if he’s abusive in any manner -leave, of course.

Resorting to tears and crying to “soften him” is only going to backfire on you.

Title	Crying and vulnerability
Author	LaneysWorld2
Upvotes	0
Comments	20
Date	October 17, 2018 9:28 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/9ox33h/crying_and_vulnerability/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/crying-and-vulnerability.75257 https://theredarchive.com/post/75257

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