Dating older men?

snackysnackeeesnacki · 2019-01-26T13:44:48+00:00

I have two experiences with this - one good, one bad.

When you’re young is so easy to ignore the ways older guys DONT have it together because you are comparing him to boys your age. For example, my ex made a lot of money so I didn’t really pay attention to how terrible he was with it (massive debt, crazy spending).

My advice:

Let your family (especially parents and older relatives) and any other older friends you have give you feedback! They know what it looks like when an older person doesn’t have their life in order and are more capable of spotting red flags in this dynamic. If your parents are reluctant, it may be tempting to dismiss their concerns as being solely about the age difference. Don’t.
Do not let things move quickly. Do not move in, get engaged, etc for quite some time. Let them reveal themselves. Men with predatory intentions can’t hold it together forever.

Gina_Maria_S · 2019-01-26T12:21:24+00:00

Just be mindful of previous marriages and kids. It’s a lot to take on. Especially at your age. Just have your blinders off. And see things for the way they really are.

Vellore992 · 2019-01-26T12:53:10+00:00

Are you looking for a life partner? Are you prepared to be a widow for 25+ years? When you choose a husband for now, you're also choosing how you'll live out your twilight years. Keep that in mind.

mrbill1234 · 2019-01-26T14:44:45+00:00

A good friend of ours married a man 30 years older. It was all fine and well at the beginning. He had adult children from a previous marriage, and they had two further kids together. Later when she was in her mid 40's - really in the prime of her life in today's terms - she was caring for a 75 year old man with all the associated health issues which go with that. In my eyes - she visually aged very prematurely. Every situation is different of course, and there are some 70 year olds who are very healthy, strong and active, but most will not be able to keep up with a person in their 40's.

Saying that - growing up, one of my best friends stepfather was 30 (maybe 40 never inquired) years older than his mum. He was fantastically wealthy though - and she lived a life you could only dream of. When he died at the age of 97 - she inherited vast wealth.

Gina_Maria_S · 2019-01-26T12:45:50+00:00

I think you should start by asking about his partner history. There are some do tells in all of that. Especially him being as old as he is. How long have you known him?

amadexodus · 2019-01-26T14:55:53+00:00

I've never dated anyone twice my age, but when I was 21, I started dating someone ~10 years older than me. He had been divorced for ~1 year at the time (separated for > 2 years), and he and his ex shared custody of their two young children. It was my second serious relationship, and it was the first time I started to seriously think about what I wanted in the man I would one day marry.

Although the relationship ultimately didn't work out, I can share with you (1) how to minimize the chance of him writing you off because of your age, and (2) how to gauge whether or not you should write him off.

First of all, make sure you're taking care of yourself. Eat healthy, work out, dress well, apply makeup properly, etc. These are important no matter what your relationship status is and no matter how old your potential mate is. If you look and carry yourself like a woman, then it will be a lot easier for him to look past your age. In fact, if your age hasn't already come up, he may assume you're older because you don't look immature. Also, make sure you have a life beyond him, including things you're passionate about. This applies no matter who you are dating, but it's especially important if this man has kids. For how to behave on your date, I'd say that the rest of the RPW principles apply just as they would on any other date.

Something else important to consider if this person is divorced and has kids. First of all, encourage him to be upfront about how his marriage ended and what he learned from it. That will tell you a lot about his character. Also, if he does have kids, keep in mind that things happen with the kids, and as a parent, he has to attend to them. Never make him choose between you and the kids because you're frustrated about him canceling on you due to something coming up, or because they're with him half the week (which is time you don't get to spend with him). You will always lose.

That being said, kids can be a convenient excuse if he's decided to keep you as a plate rather than pursue you seriously. The man I was seeing decided that he didn't want to be serious any longer around 5 months in, but rather than tell me upfront, he started using the kids or work as an excuse for why he couldn't see me....even on days that he didn't have them. I didn't like the behavior, but I wanted to be submissive and not fight him over his responsibilities as a man and a father, so I continued to see him for another 2 months before finally breaking it off. The biggest lesson here, particularly if he has kids, is that it's easier to be drawn in and compromise your standards because he's older, because he takes a lot of other things in his life seriously, and he's likely very different from a lot of the guys you know that are your age. And if you're on RPW, my guess is that you're more mature than most girls in their early twenties. Dating someone who has their stuff together, who has actual responsibilities, and who knows what they're doing in the bedroom can feel like a breath of fresh air at your age. But that novelty can blind you to the man's faults and to various incompatibilities if you don't have a clear checklist of what you're looking for and what values you want your partner to share with you.

Gina_Maria_S · 2019-01-26T10:58:34+00:00

What is the age difference and what is his relationship history?

ragnarockette · 2019-01-26T15:38:04+00:00

Relationships with a man 10+ years older are difficult to make work because of the inherent power/maturity dynamic.

The vast majority of people marry someone within 2-3 years of their age. A big age gap is just one more challenge to a successful partnership.

While yes, technically there are lots of high value men who date much younger women, for the most part these fall into the Mel Gibson, Alec Baldwin, Mick Jagger bucket and I don’t think any of them sound like they would make loving, faithful partners. At that point it’s transactional and you have to decide if that’s for you.

I dated a 39 year old for a year when I was 23 and the whole situation devastated me. Do not recommend.

Gina_Maria_S · 2019-01-26T12:52:32+00:00

100%. Learn from our mistakes. Lol. I’m just kidding, I wouldn’t change my life path for anything, but I am able to share my experiences with others in hopes they can foresee some challenges. Truthfully, my guess is he’s looking for non attachment at that age, or to scratch an itch with a younger, beautiful lady. Like I said. Be mindful

bastrdsnbroknthings · 2019-01-26T14:31:13+00:00

I’m a 44M in a relationship with a 24 year old woman. The main things I’m concerned about with her are hypergamy, relative immaturity and essentially “using” me for resources now when she can jump ship any time the urge strikes her. Given that she’s young and attractive, she has no shortage of options and attention from other men. My primary interest in her (other than her sexual attractiveness) is desire to have children with someone, and I can’t really do that with women my own age.

I believe her main reservations about being in a LTR with me include possible decline of virility as I get older, waning attraction to me as my body gets wrinkly, and general fear of missing out. The possibility of becoming a widow is also an issue. I have a high paying job and solid skills to provide for us in the future, even after I’m gone, but I think she’s weighing the costs/benefits all the time. So far, so good...we are pretty happy together (as far as I know!) and we’ve been living together for about 18 months.

emmavt3516 · 2019-01-26T17:00:44+00:00

Does he have kids? Is he divorced? How old are the kids? I didn’t get any info from your OP or comments. That might be good thing to start with in the vetting process.

If he does have kids he may not want to start a new family with you and while you may not want kids now what happens if you stay with him for 10-15 years and you change your mind? Then you will be 33-37 years of age and you might have to start over looking for someone else if he doesn’t want kids. Usually this difference in values cannot be negotiated.

Also, if he is divorced, what were the circumstances surrounding that divorce? If he has a baby momma, she will ALWAYS be in his life. Are they still battling in court for child custody? Is his income severely diminished due to alimony payments? Is she withholding the children from him? At least until the children are well into adulthood. Ask yourself, do you want someone with that kind of baggage?

My personal opinion is that you find someone younger and without all these strings attached if that happens to be the case. I speak from personal experience.

[deleted] · 2019-01-26T17:39:34+00:00

I married a man 20 years older than me and we’ve been together for 10 years now. It’s a great marriage and we’re super happy.

However... you HAVE TO vet properly. I’ve always dated men who are older, minimum of 8 years. They’re not always more mature and certainly don’t always have their act together. So older does not equate better. I’ve dealt with a handful of desperate, lonely, broke and pathetic 30+ year old man. So pay attention!

1) Ask questions! If you don’t know what to ask, then Google it. I was an interrogator and he HAD to answer my questions. If what he said last week, last month conflicted with what he said today, I confronted him. I wasn’t rude in any way but I have a question and I need an answer.

2) Past relationships, this is obvious. Ask questions about it. Don’t let him brush anything off.

3) Lifestyle, things like money, fitness, diet... how does he function in his day to day life? I wanted someone who took their health and fitness very seriously.

Do not rush, do not have sex, do not move in and do your vetting. I dated my husband for over 3 years. Men may like younger women, but we’re not supposed to be easy. Make it hard, like why does he deserve a 20-something year old girl? What has he achieved?

In the end, he passed my tests and he absolutely has his life together for the age he’s supposed to be at. He couldn’t just be ‘kind of better’ than other guys half his age, he had to be in excellent place in his life.

Feel free to message me.

AnnaAerials · 2019-01-26T12:58:01+00:00

As long as you both have the same values and expectations (he understands you are serious and want a serious long term) a lot of the same vetting principals apply.

But personally, I would be extra sensitive to any immaturity, any past cheating (did he get a divorce, why?), his job and financial status. If he’s 23 and he’s a barista with little savings, that’s much more acceptable than a 40+ year old with no vision, no money and no stable job. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I think a man that old is probably comfortable with himself how he is and may be set in his ways, there is potentially less growth to be experienced as a couple.

Also reading that gave me flash backs from when a 35 year old PART TIME barista asked me for “drinks”. Hard NO. I’m sure your situation is not as dire. As it’s a first date, there’s no reason to not enjoy it and take things for what they are for now. Men are usually pretty clear with intentions and I’m sure you’ll find out quickly what they are.

May I ask how you two met? Why did you say yes to the date? What things do you like about him?

Just as there are certain particular worries for younger men , there are for older men. Don’t freak yourself out :) if you know what you want going into it, then it also sets good boundaries. For some women a man not wanting kids is a deal breaker, you may feel the same.

ObedientLittleWife · 2019-01-27T08:55:03+00:00

I married a man who was close to double my age when we met. I just wasn't attracted to guys my age in my early 20s they seemed immature and lost to me. Guys who are a little more mature, succesul, and know who they are and what they want. In my opinion older men are generally better :)

But a guy in his 40s has no excuse to not have his life in order, which is ofcourse less of a problem with men in their 20s

StyxFerryman · 2019-01-26T21:15:06+00:00

As an older man, I am unlikely to write you off because of your age. To be honest I'm probably dating you partly because of your age. I'm probably offering you the benefit of my maturity and experience in return for you providing a breath of fresh air and excitement into mine.

If you do have a long term relationship, do try and make sure you don't get in the way of his relationship with any children he has. That for me is a major deal-breaker.

Title	Dating older men?
Author	anocratic
Upvotes	13
Comments	43
Date	January 26, 2019 10:52 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/ajzy3r/dating_older_men/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/dating-older-men.208264 https://theredarchive.com/post/208264

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