How does a girlfriend behave differently than a wife in a relationship with a man, and how can a girlfriend be of value to him without giving away too much too soon?

wymone · 2019-07-29T04:09:15+00:00

My understanding of it is: that, as a girlfriend, you are maintaining independent lives. You’re not living together, not intertwining finances, and not cleaning his house on a regular basis. You are making time for your own hobbies and friends and allowing him to do the same.

Vellore992 · 2019-07-29T04:34:10+00:00

As a girlfriend, you bring joy and fun to his life by being present and pleasant to be around. You get to know him and figure out if you're compatible for something more. That's about it. You each maintain your own life and home and wellbeing, and get to enjoy each other in your spare time. Don't move in with him, don't do chores for him, don't change your life for him. And vice versa. He's an addition to your life at this stage.

When I got married, it meant so much because after getting to know him properly I was literally handing over my life and safety and future to him. We made the conscious decision to permanently entwine our lives, and that is when his problems and my problems become "our problems".

By all means help your boyfriend out with things and do him favors, but treat them as a gift for now, not a responsibility.

durtyknees · 2019-07-29T09:33:00+00:00

How do you show him your value as a partner and be "wife material"?

This depends on the individual guy.

Imagine that every guy comes with a metaphorical basket (or box, or some container) that you need to fill up with things that make you attractive to him, and he'd only consider you "wife material" if you can fill up his basket.

Men with abundance (the mindset) have huge baskets (their commitment is much harder to earn), while the average guy mostly operates on scarcity and have small baskets that most women can fill up if they just do the baseline things like being hot and fun.

The value of whatever you put in the basket is also different for different guys. For thirsty guys, putting "sex" in the basket will fill it up, while for "experienced" guys, "sex" in their basket is equivalent to a basket that's still empty.

What you put in the metaphorical basket (and what you wish to withhold) is really up to you, as long as you fill it up. Different guys look for different things.

Whatever you withhold, make sure your current guy never finds out that you've given it away to an ex. Ideally, you've never given away anything to an ex that you're withholding from your current guy.

If you're not the type of woman who has enough to offer to fill up a huge basket, find a guy with a basket capacity that's more compatible with your ability to fill it.

Basket size is not about whether a man is "high value" or not. What you want is a man that is high value to you, who considers you to be high value to him, because no sane man will want to commit to a woman he sees as "low value".

It doesn't need to be complicated, imo.

FleetingWish · 2019-07-29T05:56:01+00:00

To me, nothing. The girlfriend is the audition for the chance of getting permanent commitment. When you audition, you go all in. If you withhold something all he knows is that this is something you don't do. It doesn't make him want to marry you more because he won't think "if I marry her she will change for the better". When a man makes the decision to be with someone for the rest of his life, he makes the decision based on her past behavior, assuming future behavior will be the same.

The only reason women think they shouldn't go all in is they think "what's his incentive to marry me if I act like I'm married to him?" But the answer to that is easy: he no longer has the risk of losing you. If you are someone he really desires he will want you in his life permanently.

As for when you should act like his mother, that's a whole different topic, to which the answer is "never".

goodtimes153 · 2019-07-29T03:22:04+00:00

Love this question, I was wondering the exact same thing myself just a few days ago... You're definitely not alone!

Whisper · 2019-07-29T17:01:13+00:00

The words "giving away too much" carry the assumption that dating is a negotiation, an economic exchange where you withhold something he wants (but you don't want to give), until he gives you something you want (but he doesn't want to give).

The other way of looking at dating is as an audition, a trial period where both people see what being with the other person is like, and thus are able to decide if they want to make that permanent.

When you are selling something, you want to withhold until you have been paid.

When you are auditioning for something, you want to show the best that you are capable of.

Since RPW is an amoral, empirical place designed for discussing what works, the only important question is "Which of these models works better for getting what you want?" But to answer that, we first have to answer the question "What do you want?"

And that is a personal question.

It boils down to what kind of relationship you want to have with the man you marry. Would you like a transactional relationship, where what he does for you is exchanged for what you do for him? Or would you like a relationship based on mutual desire for each other's happiness? Do you want to sell something, or create a bond of mutual support?

How you feel about this will imply the answer to the question of whether you wish him to marry you in the hope that you will change afterwards, or to marry you in the hope that you won't.

Empirically, from my coaching experience on both sides of the gender gap, inspiring reciprocity in a man works much better for relationship permanence, stability, and quality than trying to leverage him. The drawback to this plan, however, is that, while it's actually safer because it works better, it's quite scary to try, as it involves going "all in". Many women simply are too afraid to try this, and this is often complicated by the way that women who are fearful tend to "aim too low".

In my opinion, if a man isn't worth going "all in" for, you're probably wasting your time and yourself dating him in the first place.

slynn2 · 2019-07-29T15:09:49+00:00

I'd say honestly if you want to get married the most important thing to do as a Girlfriend first is to get to know him. He's not the only one choosing YOU ARE AS WELL!! You should never ever forget that either as a RPW. When he's your boyfriend you can still leave, if you feel that you cannot commit to him for life because you notice during your relationship recurring issues because those get bigger not smaller during a marriage. I'm very happy with my husband we've been together for over 10yrs but when we were dating i never gave him "wife benefits " that he hadn't earned. I didn't cook him a proper meal for atleast 5 months into the relationship. When i prepared him something it was frying an egg or buttering toast or brewing a quick coffee. I instead got him stuff i knew he liked like his favourite beer, or reserved tickets to a jazz festival he wanted to go or funny gifts based on an inside joke we shared. Be careful doing too much because you can come off as desperate and he'll feel like you're rushing things. Infact he told me later on that he'd broken up with the girl he was with before me because he left her for a bit at his place, went for an emergency at work and when he came back 3hrs later she'd cleaned the house, ironed his shirts and cooked. It freaked him out. As Girlfriend keep things fun, light and when he's around you concentrate on just having fun and really really getting to know his heart, how he thinks etc. We had lots of conversations and i asked him lots of questions to vet him and he did the same. He should always feel safe talking to you and speaking his mind..Also try to live your own life too,have your own stuff going on.

shupup2609 · 2019-07-29T03:38:14+00:00

Well! being a girlfriend and a wife material arent that hard, its natural. By being just girlfriend you can usually miss out on compassion for him, as it is a more playful kinda relationship. Wife material Girls love him genuinely and care for him, his things including his comfort, health, emotions, money, family. Its just that you are naturally very concerned about tht person and you are not sucking out of him anything. plus compatability is a strong strong strong nail. By becoming actual wife its not about just giving. You start thinking of your rights as well and you dont want to compromise on them much. it doesnt mean love is gone but it means that you want ur other half to be a responsible partner now in every way.

LateralThinker13 · 2019-07-29T19:58:50+00:00

Before a life long commitment has been made, what can you do as a girlfriend to nurture him without prematurely playing the wife-- or God forbid-- the mother? How do you show him your value as a partner and be "wife material"? How can you make his life better with you then without you?

Easy. Be his cheerleader.

razor_sharp_007 · 2019-07-29T17:55:54+00:00

Don’t mix your finances. Don’t own assets together.

Don’t give up your residence.

Don’t make career/education choices that are predicated on the relationship continuing.

Don’t pay your partners debt or professional development costs. But do spend money on enriching activities that you do together.

Don’t get pregnant.

Don’t get a pet in common. Ie no getting a dog or cat together.

Be cognizant of making financial sacrifices in the furtherance of your SOs career. Here’s an example: I’m currently running for office and the woman I’m dating is dynamite with cooking/hosting. I had a campaign bbq yesterday but she was offered a catering contract at the same time. Although she would have declined the contract to support me, I believe that would be inappropriate given our level of commitment. I encouraged her and indeed, she took the catering contract. Had we been married, I would have encouraged the opposite.

SouthernOhioRedsFan · 2019-07-29T17:10:21+00:00

Giving away what?

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