How long should two be dating before engagement/marriage?

tempintheeastbay · 2017-06-06T08:13:52+00:00

The younger you are, the longer you tend to date. In my part of the world, if you met in your 20's, I think a multi-year dating period is normal, since the average age of marriage in my circles is around 27-30. If you meet in your 30's, I think a short dating period is typical, maybe even just a year.

akanachan · 2017-06-06T08:35:59+00:00

I see people talking about dating for SEVEN years.

I'm confused why this matters. Everyone has different priorities and goals.

Marriage is not something to aim for with the assumption that it would ensure commitment or happiness.

relationships you've seen

People I know who married young (22 or younger) tend to end up divorced (or wanting divorce) by the time they reach their mid to late 30s. Not to mention cheating, or trying to have an "open marriage", or staying miserable together because of religion, or some social taboo, or guilt, or plain masochism.

I don't actually know anybody in a happy marriage, which is why I browse this sub to see how people get it right.

give a realistic estimation from your relationships

My main goal is to be happy (not "get married"), and if marriage can help achieve that, I'll get married when I think it's the right time and with the right person.

How long do you think people should be engaged for ideally?

I think engagement simply function as a social pressure to go through with plans for marriage.

A private engagement (not witnessed nor celebrated by friends/family/community) would not mean anything at all, and shouldn't be taken seriously.

loneliness-inc · 2017-06-06T13:11:51+00:00

My wife and I dated for two weeks, engaged for 3 months, married for over 10 years.

My parents dated for two weeks, engaged for 8 weeks, married almost 35 years.

Marriages in our community tend to last and are generally much happier than your average north American marriage.

How do we do this?

1) We do a lot of vetting before ever meeting.

2) The goal of dating is to marry. If you aren't ready for marriage yet, I'm not going on the first date with you.

3) The purpose of dating is to determine whether this person is suitable for me to marry or not.

4) Why not vs why yes

5) Marriage is real, it's therefore taken seriously. If you're already living together and having sex, why would you need marriage anytime soon?

Bottom line is - if your goals are crystal clear before you start dating, you can do it in a few months. There's so reason you need to date so long before deciding, unless you just like being indecisive. Unfortunately, today it's popular to be indecisive in this regard.

ThatStepfordGal · 2017-06-06T08:18:40+00:00

It really is up to you and your priorities in life. I'm in my early 20s and I don't want to wait for longer than a year or so. I'm very traditional, dating is for marriage and should be taken seriously. Getting to the point of engagement shouldn't take long if you approach it carefully and vet properly. People linger too much in a relationship nowadays and don't set clear goals and ideas. Time is priceless. Fortunately my SO agrees and we have plans.

RainbowKitty77 · 2017-06-06T08:26:16+00:00

I've always thought a year or two then engagement. Then another year or so until the wedding. My boyfriend asked me to marry him less than a year in though and we've extended our wedding plans.

RedPillWonder · 2017-06-06T14:56:28+00:00

How much time is the couple spending together each week?

If a couple can and does see each other 2-3 times a week or more, even if it's just an hour to meet up and share a meal, a few hours here, half a day there, etc., then I'd say engaged within a year is certainly reasonable. And a year or less after that to be married.

The thing is, how much are they communicating? Every conversation doesn't have to be this way, but are they having deep discussions about their beliefs, life goals, relationship roles and more?

This, and combined with the amount of time they get to spend with each other, seeing how the other acts and reacts in different situations, how they handle various stresses, etc and you can know plenty about whether this is someone that is right for you to marry.

On the other side, some couples have an SO in the military, or their work keeps them away for long(er) periods of time, or when they are together, it's a lot of chit chat and serious conversations don't happen as often, and it's a longer, drawn out process.

Many people think a longer dating and engagement time frame is better, but I don't. At least, it doesn't have to be. I'm for whatever works and is best for that couple.

That said, to offer a counter view, I have friends who done the very long dating and engagement and ended up divorced. And others who were engaged and married within one year from meeting, and they're still happily married.

You'll find examples on both sides.

Focus on communicating, time spent together, seeing each other in different lights, and vetting very, very, carefully and a couple can do great!

okaygirl123 · 2017-06-06T16:44:24+00:00

Science says that dopamine secretions recede after 3 years, however oxytocin stays long after. Looking at this, I'd say a minimum of three years, but then again, to each his own.

There is also benefits to getting married in the late twenties rather than early twenties, and if you're looking at kids, children born to women in their thirties have shown greater brain development as compared to children born to women in their early-mid twenties. That is also a factor you might want to look into.

Personally, I can see why myself. My mom had me at 33, my aunt had my cousin brother at 25. I'm much more mentally stable than my brother, whose mother still hasn't figured her shit out.

All in all, statistics only tell you a part of the story. However, I would advise that you date until your "honeymoon phase" ends, when that does depends on person to person. Once the romantic lights float away from your eyes and you can see them in their real sense but still are attracted and want to build a life with them, pop that question!

vanBeethovenLudwig · 2017-06-06T19:14:37+00:00

A year of steady dating is enough to know someone well and get engaged, but probably two is safer. I've sort of noticed I've never gotten past two years of an LTR because if it never got to the marriage stage by then I called it quits, usually because we realized we weren't right for each other in the end.

RainbowKitty77 · 2017-06-06T08:26:16+00:00

I've always thought a year or two then engagement. Then another year or so until the wedding. My boyfriend asked me to marry him less than a year in though and we've extended our wedding plans.

est-la-lune · 2017-06-06T16:49:01+00:00

I want to date someone for >2 years before engagement/marriage. I've never taken long to decide how far I'd be willing to go with someone, but I want to know that my partner is committed, adaptable, and capable of personal growth. Those things are harder to assess when you're young!

I don't have an upper cap (I don't want kids so marriage isn't urgent, but I want to get married before 30), but after a couple of years if it's not something that's been discussed... next.

mariecrystie · 2017-06-06T22:36:22+00:00

I think you should wait until you are out of the romantic/honeymoon stage of a relationship. This can vary from months to years depending on the couple. In my opinion success of a marriage/relationship can be determined by how well a couple gets through the power struggle phase. I screwed up and waited to long on a man. He led me to believe we would go further and but it never happened. He was jaded from his previous marriage and I paid the price of trying to meet his unrealistic expectations. I honestly don't think he would have ever left me, he would just hang on while I never could seem to prove myself. Stupid on my part. I should have stayed gone the first time I left him. He would come begging to get back with me and I would hope things would be different. It never changed, same crap different day. Things would be better if I would just do this, change that, stop doing this....I am beyond grateful that we didn't marry. I realize how unhappy I was and the damage it caused me. If you google "emotional manipulation" you would see his full description.

snow_angel022968 · 2017-06-06T23:54:37+00:00

I think it depends on the couple's view of divorce (is divorce an actual option). If divorce isn't an option, I think engagement somewhere between 6 months and a year is reasonable, married about a year later. If it is, then at least 3 years...

Do note I came from a culture of people dating for the sole purpose of getting married (and puts finances etc at the forefront before ever meeting the person for the first time). First couple dates should be to see if you click/would be open to marriage. At some point (within 3 months), try to piss him/her off to see how they react when hungry, tired and stressed (a hike/backpacking trip is good for this imo - adjust length to a bit over your level of physical activity).

sieg_heill · 2017-06-19T04:01:41+00:00

When it comes to how long to date, in my eyes there is no maximum. Some people don't even want to get married, so they'll just date forever. However, I think that dating less than a year before being engaged is too short. It doesn't give you enough time to accurately get to know someone well enough to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with them.

Engagements should take however long it takes to plan a wedding and get your lives in order. That could be a few months or a few years, all depending on what needs to happen before the two become one. I know for me, I'm in a good spot but my SO wants to finish trade school which will be about two years. If we got engaged today, we'd probably be engaged 2+ years while he finished trade school.

Zebgamer · 2017-06-20T05:30:21+00:00

My example is definately not typical, I was a U.S. military man living as a host my wifes country when we met but we were married literally one year and one day after we met. We began dating essentially immediately after we met, April, and I proposed at Christmas, although I made my intentions very clear a couple of months before that, and we were married the following April. 25 years later we've got three great kids and we've had a largely drama free life (no infidelity, phsical abuse or substance abuse) and are looking forward to her finishing her college degree this fall that she put off to raise our kids while she followed me during my military career.. Just one couples path that worked out well.

md8716 · 2017-06-06T15:02:53+00:00

Our courtship length was 14 months total. But, back when I was 28, I had my stuff together, I knew exactly who I was, exactly what I wanted, and went after it without looking back.

It's now apparent to me that this is becoming vanishingly rare.

Title	How long should two be dating before engagement/marriage?
Author	pinkdrawings
Upvotes	6
Comments	29
Date	June 6, 2017 7:27 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/6fkad3/how_long_should_two_be_dating_before/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-long-should-two-be-dating-before.72939 https://theredarchive.com/post/72939

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