How to trust a man?

Willow-girl · 2017-04-29T11:32:21+00:00

People reveal their character incrementally. If your boyfriend, over time, has shown himself to be honest and trustworthy, I think you can let your guard down a little!

This part has me concerned, though:

This seems to be working at the moment but there hasn't been any situation that would make me jealous (a new female friend / spending time with a girl he's been romantically involved with) in the last few weeks,

Does he normally do those things? Because those would be red flags to me, and a sign that he either doesn't recognize danger zones, or does but likes to play in them!

owlsayshoot · 2017-04-29T11:34:21+00:00

Therapy first. Sounds like you have some baggage to unload if you want to progress in a healthy relationship.

Second, at least for me, is delving into the worst case scenario. Let's say he cheats. What happens to you? You are hurt, you fight maybe, you (hopefully) next him...and then? You move on. You grow and heal and find new love. Let's say he finds someone new...you are hurt, you fight maybe, you can't really do anything about it so you (hopefully) let go and move on. You heal and you grow and find new love. Being hurt sucks. But it's temporary and once you have some time to develop perspective and retrospect, not so terrible in the grand scheme of things. All you can do is enjoy now. Be vigilant if it helps, sure, but don't spend so much of your time worrying about what could hurt you that you don't enjoy what's actually happening right now.

But third, therapy. Get some.

And good luck :)

MsSadieDunham · 2017-04-29T15:45:48+00:00

I had similar issues with my parents growing up and I too unfortunately was cheated on with what I consider to be my first adult relationship, so I can empathize.

In her book, The Surrendered Wife, Laura Doyle makes a great point about trust. I'm paraphrasing here because I don't have the book in front of me, but essentially she says, you made the choice of dating this guy so you trusting him, in a sense, is you trusting your ability to pick a good guy. Doubting him is doubting yourself.

lidlredridinghood · 2017-04-29T14:20:07+00:00

So I'm in a similar situation... I know my partner has me, and I still freak out, even though he's acting very much within our boundaries. I've had some really shitty stuff go down in my last 2 LTRs.

What I've found helps me.... is focusing on being the best RPW I can be. Working hard on the ways he suggests of me. Working on building our connection. The more I become his first mate, the more I can accept he's never going to compromise our relationship.

teaandtalk · 2017-04-29T14:40:41+00:00

This is the exact sort of thing CBT is created for. You're having irrational thoughts/fears about infidelity. Try reading up on CBT and learn to identify/combat your cognitive distortions. If you can't, find a therapist who can help.

loneliness-inc · 2017-04-30T02:33:57+00:00

Your past inspires you to be anxious over the possibility of your BF cheating on you. As I'm sure you know, this anxiety can destroy your relationship. You need to rid yourself of it, this is why you're posting and it's easier said than done.

You're trying to remind yourself of the love to reassure your heart that he won't cheat. Thing is, it isn't love that prevents people from cheating. Some people (especially men) will cheat because they love their spouse. Agree or disagree with them, this phenomenon exists.

What prevents someone from cheating or engaging in anything else that will hurt their partner is respect, awe, fear and other emotions of that type. You need to remind yourself of all the ways he respects you, is in awe of you and fears harm befalling you

When he buys you your favorite chocolate out of the blue, that's love. When he comes home on-time, that's respect. When he cooks breakfast for you, that's love. When he doesn't throw his socks on the floor because you don't like it, that's respect. Try to think of the areas where he respects you and focus on them.

Try to minimize talk about this insecurity with him. No good can come from constantly sharing this with him and there's nothing he can do to quell your fears.

You also should ask yourself this question - what if he does cheat? I'll hurt and then I'll move on, right? In that case, I won't fear that he'll cheat because it would only cause temporary pain. You can use this same logic to quell other fears as well.

Much success!

cynicalhousewife · 2017-04-29T22:14:48+00:00

I think cheating is always a possibility. I don't want to give you false hope but a lot of men cheat and it's extremely common. It's one of those things that you have to learn to accept and become secure enough in yourself to deal with. If you don't want to end up possibly sharing a man make sure you have your own life in order so you can leave and keep your options open if it does happen. Sharing a man works for some women but not many. Torturing yourself over it and constantly trying to prevent it isn't going to make it any easier if it does end up happening. What will make it easier however is accepting it as a possibility and being true to yourself in how you deal with it.

JackGetsIt · 2017-04-29T16:24:56+00:00

Question. Do you consider your boyfriend 'captain' material and do you want to marry him. If so how deep is this feeling?

Cardiscappa · 2017-04-29T17:22:30+00:00

Do you have anything else I could try?

I have some trust issues and abandonment issues. (Raised by an uncaring family and relentlessly psychologically teased by school peers.)

I do a lot of self improvement but I eventually needed actual therapy. I had a really hard time acknowledging that I couldn't do this myself; I'm very independent and I figure things out myself. It sucks, especially if you have to pay out of pocket for it (which I now do that I've reached the cap of my health benefits) - but trust me, it's well worth it. If you have the drive to self improve and the ability to self reflect instead of blaming everything on outside forces, you may be able to 'heal' very quickly. I'm going through LENS therapy and I've had really excellent results.

The thoughts in my brain where like a messy room - books, items, everything strewn about. After a few sessions, my brain was a clean room - all the books put away on the shelf, the couch made nicely, everything in it's place. My rationalization hamster is fat and lethargic from its many days off now.

http://www.neuropaths.com/index_files/LENS.htm

https://www.site.ochslabs.com/about

http://www.emdria.org/?page=emdr_therapy

Kara_El · 2017-04-29T14:22:06+00:00

I think you should try therapy. This shouldn't be weighing on you so much without cause. Talk to someone before it ruins your relationship.

shiro07 · 2017-04-29T18:33:08+00:00

In addition to what /u/MsSadieDunham worte, I have a "Don't invest more than you can afford to lose" policy in relationships. Practically any person is prone to cheating even if the chances are slim, this means that unconditional love shall remain a bad idea.

There's a saying in my native language that goes somewhat like this " Love your loved ones moderately, perhaps one day they become your enemies, and hate your enemies moderately, perhaps they become a lover one day"

destinationjourney · 2017-04-29T15:28:05+00:00

I agree with seriously considering therapy. I obviously don't know your exact circumstances but I suspect it's very difficult for you to relax and trust your boyfriend even if he's shown himself to be trustworthy because of your past (moreso because of your parents).

Part of the problem of trying to work through this yourself is that you may just put walls up and not let yourself be vulnerable with your partner (because that's a way to protect yourself just in case) and critically, you may not actually realise you've done it.

You also don't want to end up in a situation where if you are betrayed, you use that as a reason to never open up or try to be vulnerable again.

Being close and vulnerable with someone will always take time, but it really is the foundation of a good relationship, so consider finding some help to work through this problem <3

garebear19959 · 2017-05-01T18:35:58+00:00

Male here.i honestly admire you guys for seeing through the bull and try to improve yourselves instead of taking into "muh feminism".that said I have the same issue as OP.i cannot trust the average female for shit.in terms of dating I see that they usually have at least 2-4 other guys on the side. Before I saw the truth of how manipulating some females can be I was very nice,too nice,naïve but only resulted in getting used and thrown like a tool. But now if I treat a female like an ass. Whole other story.

Banincoming · 2017-05-02T12:52:58+00:00

Maybe his dread game is TOO STRONG!

wonderlandgirl111 · 2017-05-03T01:46:48+00:00

In general, men who are trustworthy mostly comes down to luck. You ideally want to be with a man who was bullied or was shy growing up because he is typically appreciative. However, some of these guys turn into monsters as adults when they improve and it goes to their head, and some guys also come off shy but really are evil or have some sort of mental issue secretly, so people aren't always as they seem. It really just comes down to time and luck.

What you should focus on is becoming extremely hot, extremely accomplished (degree, languages, successful trade/career, perfect wardrobe, etc) so that you can easily replace him the moment he shows that he cannot be trusted, if he ever does. Thats about all you can do. Start working out, learn a second/third/forth language, become an accomplished artist, develop a perfect wardrobe, get a perfect social media aesthetic. There's a lot you can do. When you know you have lots of men at your disposal, your own man will not mess up. And if he does, great, you can find a new one the next day.

Title	How to trust a man?
Author	Likebigoatscannotlie
Upvotes	8
Comments	27
Date	April 29, 2017 10:10 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/688mvq/how_to_trust_a_man/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-to-trust-a-man.87235 https://theredarchive.com/post/87235

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