Need relationship advice please

thatbadlarry · 2019-06-09T14:10:11+00:00

You sound aggressively “not like other girls”. It’s not cute, it’s not a turn on. You’re trying way too hard. Men can smell that. Masculine strength isn’t actually strength in women. Get out of the manosphere and cultivate your femininity.

drunk_fish1 · 2019-06-09T11:54:00+00:00

I'm thinking your line backer was put off by your masculinity rather than the joke and the gun. There has to be polarity for attraction to happen. For instance, I have a fairly masculine outlook but a feminine way of life, as in, I'm black and white in my views but I like to dress pretty and decorate my home and I'm physically small. My husband has a fairly feminine, gentle outlook toward me (others find him overly honest lol) but takes the masculine role and works hard of being physically large. If you try to relate to the boys, you will work well with softer types who are not threatened by you. What type of strength do you want in a guy?

girlwithabike · 2019-06-09T14:37:55+00:00

This sounds like a post full of excuses that are designed to avoid vulnerability. You spend too much time trying to be a man, it is no wonder you are having trouble finding one. Since you identify more with masculine communication, I'll be blunt.

not because I'm hideous or a shitty person...

Are you sure of this? Are you being chased by men and turning them down or are you not finding men who want a second date with you? It's better for it to be your own fault because you can change that. Either you are too picky or you have some flaws that are keeping men away. Figure out which and fix it.

Thing is, I'm so deep into mgtow/red pill philosophy that it's hard for me to have an optimistic view on marriage/relationships.

Then why do you want one? It sounds like this is an excuse so you can maintain a standoffish approach to relationships rather than risking vulnerability. As a woman you should take what you know and avoid the pitfalls of your baser nature. Instead you are taking these sources to heart as though you are a man.

These are not the sources to teach you how to be a woman. These are not even sources that are created for you. A father should be a model for his daughter. He is not the one teaching her how to be a woman.

I've spent my early twenties trying to build my character/bring more to the table,

And what have you determined that you bring to the table? You say you cook and clean and are willing to suck cock (though you've never done it before so he's taking your word for it, which is a risk and a leap of faith on his part) but then you say you are closer to a man in what you bring to the table. If you are aggressive and competitive and you act like you don't need him then a man can just as soon order up a maid, a hooker and take out and have peace and quiet at the end of the day. We say you must be his soft place to land and nothing in your post indicates that you know how to be that calm, feminine presence in a man's life.

They told me to focus on making friends online, but I suck at that because I don't fit in anywhere

This is because you are a woman trying too hard to behave like a man. The liberal use of the work 'fuck' is so try-hard it's off-putting. Do you also tell me that you "are not like other girls?"

This communication style will not make it easier to befriend women. We all code switch depending on the spaces we are in. You need to learn to communicate with women ... we are 50% of the population and like it or not, you are one of us. Learning how women speak (and implementing that style) will probably make your romantic interactions go more smoothly as well.

learning so much about female behavior/psychology makes it really difficult for me to be myself around females and shifted me more towards the right politically.

I'm a woman and I'm on the right politically. I'm informed about gender psychology. I'm also married and have female friends. This is an excuse.

I'm hedonistic in the sense that I love porn and I'm very open about that

Excuse. I recall a conversation in the middle of the college cafeteria about sex toys, porn and masturbation with my sorority sisters. Loving porn does not make you unique among women. Being open about it in the wrong company just shows that you don't know how to read a room or are too stubborn to STFU when it's appropriate.

I also live in a very blue state

I met my husband while living in New Jersey. Many women on this sub live in liberal areas but that doesn't mean there aren't masculine men there. If you want a religious man you go to church, if you want a conservative you join a republican group etc etc. Go where the men are. Blue doesn't mean that masculinity is nonexistent.

Also, it's a personal pet peeve of mine when women insult large swaths of men ("so a lot of dudes around me are simps"). It's tacky feminist behavior to lump all these men together as one unit and then denigrate them. I'm surprised to hear it coming from someone supposedly red pilled.

I made an edgy WW2 joke

Let me guess, you made some joke about jews and were surprised that a person in a left leaning area wouldn't want to see you again? Do you often say outrageous things and 'inadvertently' push people away?

showed him a picture of my airsoft gun

As someone with a carry permit and more than one firearm, I have to think that your attitude surrounding the gun had more to do with him being turned off than the picture. You don't talk about the full context of this situation but I think there is more to it than owning an airsoft gun. I know quite a few women who shoot (they are paired off and live in liberal areas). I've never gotten a second look when I tell people I shoot. I've also never seen a woman pull out a picture of her gun like she's showing off her child. My husband on the other hand....

I now know what it's like to live as a man.

Were you taking testosterone? If not then I guarantee you only think you know what it's like to live as a man. Even if you were, you only had a glimpse into their world. If you weren't born with a penis and go through puberty trying to figure out girls then you don't have the foundations of male-ness. If you haven't had the hormones that make a man a man, then you really know nothing. Stop trying so hard to be a man, especially if you want to date one.

and further understand what men actually want and how to be a better mate myself, but the problem is that I don't know how to proceed from there

Have you read any of the wiki or any of the recommended books? You might want to start with something like "First Kill All the Marriage Counselors" so you can learn how to be a woman in a relationship with a man. Also try "For Women Only" to learn about men from a relationship perspective.

ManguZa · 2019-06-09T10:50:32+00:00

" I made an edgy WW2 joke and showed him a picture of my airsoft gun "

Was it feminine?

If you want the embodiment of masculinity you need to be the embidoment of femininity

iamrivensky · 2019-06-09T11:08:05+00:00

Find someone special. But you’re gonna need to make a list of things that you think would make that person special to you. It’ll make it easier for you to filter out what you don’t want. But keep in mind the ideal/“perfect” mate doesn’t exist. So eventually you will have to trade off a few traits and make quite a few compromises. It’ll never be 100% what you were looking for but at least it would be from 91-98% what you need.

Above everything be patient. Rushing things will only hurt you and him in the end.

alexthegeologist · 2019-06-09T14:31:14+00:00

It sounds like you are reading/consuming a lot of red pill/MGTOW stuff intended for other men. Knowing how men think and approach things is useful, but doesn't guide women very well. There isn't as much material directed at women, but try reading the sources this sub has and finding more advice and material geared towards women.

HB3234 · 2019-06-09T18:31:23+00:00

People, as a rule, are terribly bad at articulating what they really want. This is why all RP advises to watch actions over words.

Why are you seeking advice on femininity from men? Femininity is far greater than a obtaining checklist of things men want and checking it off. A truly feminine woman can meet deep needs in her man that he may never be able to articulate, unless he is exceptionally self aware -- and this is why he cherishes her!

Men on red pill forums and MGTOW have often experienced a lot of grief and heartache to get them to those spaces, and many are on their own journeys to recovering and rebuilding their masculinity. Few men are equipped to really help you develop your femininity, but these men tend to be especially unqualified. When you're sick, you don't go to a recovering patient for treatment advice. You go to a doctor.

Many of the members here have given you amazing and valuable advice. I am disappointed that you've been dismissive of a lot of it. No matter how gently it is put, I know for modern women it is abrasive and hard to hear that men dont necessarily love us for our achievements and hard work in the masculine sphere. It takes time. But please know we have all been through these rough seas, and if you let us, we will be there for you.

Maybelowsmv · 2019-06-09T11:58:44+00:00

at the end of the day, you're a woman like the rest of us and are capable of being AWALT (heck, even men can have AWALT-y traits. It's broad af)

MaxwellPancakesMcgee · 2019-06-09T16:25:38+00:00

I'm similar in some ways to you, I was raised the 'boy' out of my families 3 daughters. My father took me to work and taught me his trades, all my serious jobs were mainly dominated by men as those jobs pay more. Even in my current career I have to drive hours to be in the same area as another female farrier.

However, my mother was a woman, a woman that could eat a man at 5 ft tall, she tended bar most of my life. She did teach me her skills in slinging alcohol to mostly men. What they want, how to talk to them, how to be quiet and listen, how to build up and break down their egos and when. How to get them to jump up and fight amongst themsekves to take out the heavy trash without being asked. Just how to be a woman and be around that many men basically. You'll see good men, bad men all sorts, you'll even see them cheat and evade the law. It's a good place to study them from a female position and they'll expect you to act like a woman. Working alongside men, they don't expect that so much. You might consider taking a waitressing or bartending job on the side, building up a client base of regulars, and establishing connections with them. I go back to taking service jobs to deal with my social anxiety so the tips are more a reassurance I'm doing a good job rather than income.

I'm still not the posterchild of femininity, but rather androgyny. And some guys like that. Some parts of my personality are not pretty and feminine, and maybe that's a horrible thing, but I did land a good man, I just had to choose the right one for me. One that sees a person like me as an asset that can pull a calf if he's away, fix a fuel pump without calling him, or deal with things on my own, but that's not the point, he sees I'm fine on my own, but together we make an even more powerful team.

If these 'un-womanly' behaviours are too ingrained in you and they make you who you are and contribute to how you've survived this long, you're probably not just going to discard them. Work on learning more female wiles and such, sure, they're useful and functional. They make sense, but focus on vetting men and knowing men that are into who you are. They exist, they aren't all simps, and they will see you as an asset, the only downside is they might not be conscious and strict RP men.

g_e_m_anscombe · 2019-06-09T23:21:41+00:00

Oh man. It’s been a while since I’ve read a post on RPW where I feel like I relate SO much. I wasn’t a Mowgli, but my primary caregiver was my conservative atheist father and I definitely ended up being a tomboy growing up. (Had I been raised in the insanity of SF, I would have prob tried to go FTM too.)

You are currently feeling stuck, and some of that is definitely due to having harder circumstances (living in SF, we know plenty of high value men for whom gun ownership would be a dealbreaker). But there’s also a lot that you can work on!

You have the potential to be some man’s unicorn. You have already done a lot right: you have an n-count of zero, you sound like you are a healthy weight, and you have a set of good interests! These are great attributes you shouldn’t underestimate. Your strength is that you can be the “girl next door” type that a man will feel is his “best friend.” Your weakness is that you will turn off men who are attracted to the hyper feminine model types. You say you feel androgynous. You have already leaned into the male sides of your being, now it is time to lean into the female.

Here I think it’s good to follow the 80-20 rule. 80% of the gain is accomplished by 20% of the work. Here is the breakdown by category of what men find attractive: http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/09/feminine-beauty-is-highly-controllable.html?m=1

Get yourself a good feminine haircut. Figure out how to maintain that. One challenge I have found as a tomboy is that most of the time “low maintenance” to me does not mean “low maintenance” to others. I have asked a stylist to give me a “low maintenance hair cut” which they interpreted as “only takes 20ish min every morning.” Low maintenance hair to me means it takes under 5 min. Every person is different and it takes many iterations to work out the optimal beauty routine for you. In my case, I have very thick wavy hair and I’ve even had stylists be surprised at HOW long it takes to dry; I wash my hair less often and blow dry it fully after each wash. The problem is that each person is different - you are an expert on your own hair! The type of man who is looking for a “best friend” type will love you enough to think that YOU could look as good as a model if you devoted more time to your appearance.

Next you have to find a style of clothing that works for you and your body type. A good bra is essential. Again, repetition is key here. Try one bra for a while and see if it works for you. If not, then try another one. R/abrathatfits is helpful. Once you have a good bra, try building a more feminine wardrobe. Trying to build a capsule wardrobe is easiest to start; you need to figure out things that work best for you. An easy dress for you might be a stretchy skater dress like this (with a more boyish print) or this (with a feminine floral). . If you have trouble with wearing skirts/dresses, try wearing tights underneath to help as you practice. Starting with a capsule wardrobe can be helpful to ensure you stick with what works for you. If you feel totally out of sorts wearing dresses, then try to pair jeans with a very feminine top. For skinny Asians, you can pick out something floaty with a nice fabric like chiffon like this and still look feminine while wearing well fitted jeans. (Contrast with me - total hourglass so I need something extremely well shaped or it adds 20+ lbs.) Wearing things that fit well is key. You want to be beautifully presentable, hinting at a bit of hotness but signaling to a man that understanding the depths of your sexiness will require him to commit to you.

Finally, you should spend some time figuring out how to do makeup well. The balance here is that you don’t want to use so much makeup you come across as fake (or become a vain person yourself!) but you do want to put your best foot forward. I have a lot of skin issues so I like to play around at the counter at Whole Foods. One danger when you get recommendations from beauty counters with assistants is that they are often trying to sell you something; repeatedly I’ve told makeup artists I have dry skin that makes foundation work badly, and they have never recommended a product that works for me. In your case, you might want to ask other Asian girls who wear makeup the way you would like to (looking someone natural) and ask them what products they use. Otherwise you have to kind of buy stuff and try it out. It’s taken a few years but I now have a 1 min makeup routine, a 5 min makeup routine, and a 15 min makeup routine for different occasions. For me, I feel this strikes a nice feminine balance of being presentable without being “deceptive.” Some days I also go completely makeup free. Those days help make my husband appreciate the times I do put in more effort. Admittedly since we have a baby there have been more makeup free days, but I’m trying to get back in to better routines.

To be honest, this project is going to take time and practice; probably 1-2 years minimum if you pay lots of attention to it. Maybe you could find a woman you look up to in one area and ask her to help guide you along? I would be a little afraid for you posting online because online folks sometimes are too harsh in their feedback so it can feel overwhelming to change.

Once you have done some of this, then you will be in good shape to meet a good man. Given your interests, I think you would be best served by trying to meet a man at a shooting range or some other place where more conservative men gather (like a church?). Alternatively, you can try to deliberately screen out men via your dating profile. So I could imagine you having your first profile picture being you shooting at the range; any man for whom guns are a dealbreaker may pass you by, but you actually want that so you don’t waste time on the wrong guys. Your second photo should highlight your feminine side as a balance. Does that make sense? You are trying to make it easier for you to screen through more men that would be low value to you without driving away the men you want by seeming lower value.

RoxyGiggles · 2019-06-09T14:42:46+00:00

Therefore I've just been working on making myself sexier, keeping my mind sharp, making my own money, and trying to appreciate masculinity and further understand what men actually want and how to be a better mate myself, but the problem is that I don't know how to proceed from there.

You are what I call "Mowgli woman", as in raised by wolves. I am one too. I was in an almost exclusively male environment since I was 18, and I thought it made me the ultimate woman. Instead, it just made me hella confused.

Nowadays in the liberal west, men, much like women, are not aligned to their actual desires. They can't tell you what they want because the social engineering and fragile/toxic masculinity propaganda is too loud. Many men say that a girl who is "one of the guys" -- tells dirty jokes, chugs a beer, burps, watches football, can change a tire of a truck, you get the gist -- is hot. WRONG. These kind of women are hot as a conquest. But you know what high-quality men do with conquests? They stick a flag there and move on.

Honestly, I'm just trying to find a dude that I genuinely want to fuck a lot, can lead me and wants me in his corner (but not in a male mother need type of way), and also security and provision and all that other bullshit. Where do I go from here?

You're AWALT, and I mean that in the most positive way I can. There's a lot to unpack in your post but my general advice is -- fall in love with femininity. Switch your media consumption to feminine role models. Don't go down the MGTOW/TRP road anymore. It's okay to dip into that toxic pool for the sake of scientific curiosity, but it makes you hate women, and that makes it hard to strive for excellence at being a woman.

[deleted] · 2019-06-10T00:31:58+00:00

I think your problem lies in the fact that you're not just drinking the kool-aid, you're swimming in it.

There are high quality men who can be found anywhere, but you're not going to be able to see what's in front of you if you are too busy looking down on literally everyone around you.

Honestly. You talk yourself up like you're a snowflake.

__Some_person__ · 2019-06-09T14:47:46+00:00

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thinkingfemale · 2019-06-09T14:13:05+00:00

I think you sound really interesting. Send me a DM if you want to chat about guys or anything else.

I am 26 and married, I lost my father when I was 13, so I can relate somewhat. I swallowed the red pill a few years ago but I have always been right wing, even though I live in Denmark which is a very socialist country.

Ludakrit · 2019-06-09T12:40:37+00:00

Can you clarify more specifically regarding the sort of man you want to meet? Have you ever met such a man previously? I'm struggling a bit personally to think of any men I know who I'd categorize as "Red Pill Aware" without having read the material, or watched videos about it.

Benevolent_Tyrant · 2019-06-09T13:15:58+00:00

I'll say ^^^^as ^^^^a ^^^^guy that you seem pretty interesting. I guess I'm in the mirror situation.

Bashnid · 2019-06-09T14:38:04+00:00

Honestly ... You just need to get out more. Your cute and young ... Men will be hitting on you everywhere you go even if you don't dress for it.

You want to the more manly men? Go to where they congregate ... Or get involved with something where many are ... Like car racing/ go-carting, extreme sports, rock climbing ... Go to football matches or watch them at men's bars ... Dudes will be all over you. You'll have your pick.

yermuminbed · 2019-06-09T14:52:09+00:00

I think it’s possible to find a man who’d appreciate a badass short cute girl.

r2401 · 2019-06-09T17:39:00+00:00

Move to a red state first.

MaxwellPancakesMcgee · 2019-06-09T17:44:58+00:00

Also, tge dynamic in my relationship is I'm masculine in some areas (ambitious, driven, goal oriented, aggressive) but my partner is even MORE masculine. He's an ESTJ 8 (challenger) archetype if follow MBTI. So it helps to know and vet what men you want.

Title	Need relationship advice please
Author	TheresNoAvoidingIt
Upvotes	16
Comments	81
Date	June 9, 2019 10:13 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/byisz6/need_relationship_advice_please/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/need-relationship-advice-please.241346 https://theredarchive.com/post/241346

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