Seeking help for a sensitive problem between my fiancé and I

Kara__El · 2020-02-25T00:51:38+00:00

"Wife" is not synonymous with sex slave. This is a deeply disturbing red flag, demanding such frequent sex as payment for housework. You should see a counselor who will respect your conservative worldview, but also tell him this is awful.

teaandtalk · 2020-02-25T03:30:33+00:00

He sounds very demanding. What happens when you have children? Are you expected to have thrice-daily sex when you're 8 months pregnant? What about when you've got a newborn hanging onto you? What if you're injured? It sounds like he would complain and make you, his wife, feel bad during those times.

High sex needs are fine - I get that, and high libido people deserve a fulfilling sex life as much as anyone else. But his rigidity, his lack of interest in your feelings, and his treatment of sex as transactional, well. To me, those do NOT sound healthy, nor like something I would want in a man I was considering marrying.

You could say yes and just accept it as a part of life. That sounds like a shitty compromise to me, but if he is AMAZING in every other aspect, then maybe it's worth it. But know that he's unlikely to become more flexible and understanding of your needs.

DoctorNini · 2020-02-25T06:46:34+00:00

Assuming that this is something you can live up to now, it is still going to cause tremendous problems in the future. I have high libido, and my husband and I used to have sex at least daily, sometimes more. When we had kids, this changed. Not because I find him less attractive, but because life is a lot more stressful when there is a screaming baby. Additionally, I find it harder to find myself sexy when I'm still holding on to some babyweight, or have been puked upon all day. We still try to make time for being intimate, but there are weeks when we only manage once or twice a week.

How is he going to handle you being pregnant? Or newly post partum, when you can't have sex for weeks? Or when you don't have time because of the kids? Or just don't want to (which you should be allowed to!)? Edit: or when your libido decreases because you are breastfeeding, or post menopause... There are so many physical and evolutionary reasons women can experience reduced sex drive. What does he expect, you to put that aside 3 (!) times a day?

Personally, the way he thinks he is entitled to your body, would be a hard no for me. Especially knowing the road that lies ahead. And that is even disregarding the point that many other women have already made, about how he is basically treating sex as a job and therefor you as a prostitute.

misscleanex · 2020-02-25T05:30:04+00:00

I feel like the two of you are addressing this in an extremely transactional way. If he is looking at your arrangement in terms of "this is payment for our lifestyle" then isn't that a little clinical???

From what I read, I understand that you two have a frequency disconnect here and that's what you are trying to address, but underneath this all feels like an expectation of "payment" for a lifestyle and I'm not convinced that's a very healthy attitude to walk into a marriage with.

Are other things in your relationship this transactional? If so, how can you be sure if he will stick by your side should either of you fall on hard times?

girlwithabike · 2020-02-25T01:12:26+00:00

You may need to consider that this makes you incompatible.

One of you is going to have to not get what you want and he seems very firm in his position. What have you said to him about this?

Being turned down is discouraging and sex is important. It's important for relationships and it's a big way that men connect and express love in a relationship. That doesn't mean that you are required to be a sex doll for him. However, a steady stream of sex with the woman he loves is a big reason that a man will marry.

I personally think his expectation is a bit much. I think that his lack of compromise is a bit much. What I think is irrelevant. He feels the way he feels and I'd be concerned that a compromise that you force upon him is going to lead to resentment.

But I'm curious if you've attempted to draw a boundary on this issue in the past and how that went.

Also, are you attracted to him? I get it that sex requires switching gears and women aren't ready to go at the drop of a hat like men tend to be. You used the word sufficient and say I want to please him and I should please him and that it's physically draining. I'm left to wonder if this fight has driven all the desire for sex out of the relationship because if you aren't having fun then you compromising on this requirement is also going to lead to resentment.

I know you are trying to be fair but truly, where is your head leaning in all of this?

Ragingdollface · 2020-02-25T15:29:02+00:00

To put it bluntly.. his expectations are turning sex into a chore for you. No wonder you are feeling mentally drained by physical intimacy at this point. I'd tell him that, personally.. not sure what his reaction will be, but to most being told that you are basically ruining your partners sex drive by making sex an on-demand expectation instead of enjoyable intimacy between partners.. would be a wake-up call.

Maybe put it into perspective. Find something he really personally loves (besides sex) and ask him how he would feel if you expected him to do it 3 times a day, and caused arguments or fights when he didn't feel like doing it that day.

Would he eventually resent that activity? I think most people would. Regardless.. he's making sex a negative experience for you. Even compromising to once a day.. there are going to be days where you feel like absolute trash, is he going to be the type who still gets angry instead of being understanding and supportive? What about when you have a baby and can't physically have sex right afterwards? Is he going to be demanding blowjobs when you have to take care of an infant who screams whenever you put them down for two minutes? What about if you have multiple kids and can't even find the time to shower or use the bathroom by yourself.. is he still going to expect sex/blowjobs on demand? Those are some serious things to think about..

And yes.. counseling.

Wolfssenger · 2020-02-25T17:25:01+00:00

The demand is pretty ridiculous.

Only 26% of couples have sex once a week or more, once a day puts you into at least the top 10% of frequency overall. A transactional view on sex is always unhealthy, even in the context of marriage. This needs to be curbed either by an honest heart to heart or by counseling if that shows no fruit. Feel free to use that stat in your discussion. I found it here.

4kaesthetic · 2020-02-25T22:31:55+00:00

Everybody else has already raised some really good points, but I wanted to add:

Treating sex as transactional reduces what is supposed to be a meaningful, loving, enjoyable, intimate, and significant experience between partners into a meaningless act that you are expected to perform. It’s just not the same as when both parties are happily and willingly engaging in an expression of love. Removing the intimacy of sex will wear down on the emotional bond between the both of you (at least that’s how I see it), and intimacy is a huge, essential component of a healthy relationship. So you can imagine how this lack of genuine intimacy can potentially severely affect your relationship.
If he wants to have sex with you, the last thing he should be doing is demanding it. In fact, that’s a really good way to get you to resent doing it and thus decrease the frequency of sex OR if you acquiesce to his demands, the sex won’t be as enjoyable for either of you. In my opinion, if he has to ask, and you have to comply, then you probably shouldn’t have sex in those moments. It’s not going to be a fun, meaningful, or loving activity to engage in anymore.

Instead of simply demanding sex, he should be naturally attracting you and increasing your desire for sex with him as well. Otherwise, obligatory sex isn’t a good time for either party.

If you do refuse, he has no right to force you to engage in sexual activities that you seriously don’t want to participate in. That’s abuse. It doesn’t appear that things have escalated to that point (and hopefully they never will), but still. Disregard for your feelings for the sake of his selfish gain is a step in that direction.

Hopefully you can have an honest and productive conversation with him about your thoughts and feelings on this, and you two can work something out. Many of the other commenters have given some good advice that I hope helps your situation. Good luck 💓

AriesAsF · 2020-02-25T03:38:14+00:00

His expectations are outrageous and unsustainable, not to mention incredibly entitled and objectifying. Obviously your personhood doesn't matter as he sees you as more or less a sex vending machine, put tokens in, obtain blowjobs. Regardless, its unsustainable and when you reach a point in your life where you become fail to perform, he will go behind your back and when you find out, he will blame it on you. This is your future. Do with that what you will.

Also, you know sex is supposed to be enjoyable for both parties right? And you shouldnt be expected by your partner to exchange it for money? He's quite literally turned you into a whore and you are allowing this disrespect. What was your childhood like that you think this is normal, acceptable behavior in a relationship?

phoenixtycho · 2020-02-27T19:07:03+00:00

Wife =/= slave or sex slave.

He sounds very demanding.

Do you get anything out of these three sex experiences per day? Do you orgasm? Does he help you feel good too or is it all for him?

Instead of a lousy 10 min 3x a day (where I’m willing to bet he gets 99% of the pleasure and you don’t really enjoy it that much), why not have one really wonderful and enjoyable 30 min session at night, where you can both enjoy the experience and both orgasm/experience pleasure from each other??

Dr__Noonian__Soong · 2020-02-25T02:39:13+00:00

I’m very pro-sex, as in yeah sometimes it’s a job and let’s just take care of our men and do this thing! BUT holy hell 3x a day is way too much to ask! My husband, and most men, would never ask this!

ny-lady · 2020-02-25T13:01:57+00:00

You need counseling, hes treating you like prostitute/sex toy on demand. This is a serious red flag.

He doesnt want to do counseling Id seriously have a hard look at marring this man.

Nessunolosa · 2020-02-25T02:56:44+00:00

That's too much. But what's really worrying is the demanding nature of his expectations and the "quid pro quo" he appears to be pushing you into. He isn't treating you as a partner or as a human being he cares about. Not to mention that I'd be a little worried about UTIs if I were you (make sure that you always pee after sex!).

I imagine this isn't the only thing in life that he is demanding about, right? He probably has very specific ideas about how just about everything should be done (his way).

Title	Seeking help for a sensitive problem between my fiancé and I
Author	barelittnorsk
Upvotes	11
Comments	33
Date	February 24, 2020 11:34 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/f90i36/seeking_help_for_a_sensitive_problem_between_my/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/seeking-help-for-a-sensitive-problem-between-my.340211 https://theredarchive.com/post/340211

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