Self-reflection time. Things you know you shouldn't have done, yet you did them/said them/thought them lately.

AFewMilkedCows · 2018-04-26T11:32:33+00:00

I have a bad habit of being overly critical, but I've always framed it as giving sound advice. Instead I've been unnecessarily putting my fiance down and hurting his self esteem without realizing it. I am now working on pausing and really thinking before I provide my "advice" and instead using my words to prop my fiance up and give him the positivity he needs to excel.

He is early in his career and really impresses all of his superiors. He goes above and beyond the call of duty, and is now starting to be rewarded for his hard work. I realize it is my duty as his soon to be wife to stoke his flame and not dampen it. He needs me to listen to him and provide him with tranquility.

So not only has this realization made me watch my tone/words, I've picked up on where I've beeb keeping the home and worked on making myself more presentable even when it's just the two of us staying home all day.

aftertheafter-party · 2018-04-24T19:06:38+00:00

This is definitely more of a "thought-crime"... But it's really been stressing me out.

My husband has a 2-part business trip; 1 he is doing now, 2 is in a month or so, but it's somewhere much more interesting... I really want to visit that city, so I suggested I could come along! At first, he said, "That would be fun, but what about X?" So I "solved" X. Now he is saying, "Well, but what about Y?" I, personally, don't see Y as a problem, & it felt more like an excuse for me not to come.

I just "dropped it," but I was feeling really bummed & kinda hurt & mad about the whole thing... & wondering what I could do to "convince" him (or at least make him feel guilty -- sorry, just being honest!!).

I *just* had a flash of insight, however: like I said, he is on part 1 of the trip now, & I talked to him last night -- he was exhausted from not sleeping well the night before he traveled (stress), & he was ironing his pants because they hadn't gotten packed right (stress), telling me about a project he has to find a way to finish when he is already overbooked (stress), wondering if there was any way he could get up early & make it to the gym before meetings start (stress), & the food in the area he's in currently is all really unhealthy (stress)... So of course he doesn't want me staying with him on a trip like that!! Especially when I would be relaxed, having fun, taking myself out to dinner or to museums or on walks... while he dashes around from meeting to meeting, pushing himself to his social limits, surviving on protein bars & mixed nuts. That sounds ridiculous.

So anyways -- I'm just going to tell him later when it comes up again, "Yes, I feel so bummed that trip won't work out! I really am dying to go visit that city... It will be so fun to go with you some other time..." & then when he is ready, he can help me get there in a way that "works" easily & feels good to both of us.

mrs-pickard · 2018-04-24T16:34:11+00:00

I'm really bad about not trusting judgement. I've been a lot better recently, but this last week I flipped my biscuit for a second when my husband said he wanted to do something I deemed irresponsible. I let it out, immediately regretted it, and he got irritated. I was really proud of myself, I didn't feed into his agitation (which would usually catapult me into a rage), but smoothly told him I was sorry and that I trusted him to make sound choices. Instant forgiveness and smooth sailing!

scallopkid · 2018-04-24T18:33:35+00:00

I've been using my phone too much lately, especially at night when we're going to bed. I don't really use Facebook or Instagram but my drug of choice is mostly YouTube. I didn't listen to my SO when he said he didn't like it, which I should have because he's right. It's bad for my brain and bad for my sleep and I struggle with my sleep schedule anyway. We had - not really a fight, I guess - but a serious discussion about it the other day, and I've been doing a lot better with it. Mostly because I finally moved my main phone charger from the night stand to the kitchen counter, which I've been meaning to do for a while but hadn't actually done until he told me to.

strategic_expert · 2018-04-24T11:22:58+00:00

Right now, I am having trouble with an issue that I do hope to resolve very soon as I having been thinking about it a lot. My boyfriend recently bought a house and we just moved in together. Now, this house is a little bit of a fixer upper... and the seller did not fix as many things as he seemed like he said he would... and I believe my boyfriend moved in way too fast before we could fix these things... we still had over another month left on our apartment lease.

Anyway, the trouble I'm seeming to have is that when he is doing nothing (playing video games, playing his drums, hanging out with buddies) I also go into this relax mode where I read or watch youtube or play games. I still make sure he is fed and make him meals throughout the day, but otherwise I am accomplishing nothing. We are accomplishing nothing. I feel like that's how this entire past weekend has gone.

So, starting today, I am not going to wait for his direction or wait for him to do any work. I'm just going to start doing something and ask for help from him if need be. I might try and remind him, "Hey, we've got a house now, there is definitely work to do if we want to start living comfortably," but I don't want to be naggy.

And I think that's the thing of it. We're both comfortable around each other to the point where we don't feel like we need to do very much. That's a terrible way to start things out when we just moved into a house together. I can see how and why people "let themselves go" now, but I refuse to do that or be in a relationship where that happens.

So, I'm done with the laziness and justifying it by saying to myself "well he's in relax mode, I should be too." Time to get to work and also time to express how I'm feeling and hopefully we can resolve it together.

ragnarockette · 2018-04-24T13:03:39+00:00

I shouldn't have eaten that third petit four...

I've actually been great lately. My husband has gotten on board with the idea of moving back to our [non]hometown, and we are both giddy and excited. He also surprised me with tickets for a trip to Mexico in June! However, I've been to the city we're visiting and it definitely would not have been one of my top choices. I expect he booked it because it was the cheapest, without doing much research as he's so busy.

But I kept my mouth shut and I am just excited and happy that he has booked spontaneous travel!

littleshroom · 2018-04-24T13:53:38+00:00

I have been very good about stfu and overall "let it be, dont rush in to help" attitude. I actually started feeling like some guru at one point until today i made a huge step back and started doing the "i am just trying to help" thing regarding how to schedule Bank and mortgage questions. I am really pissed at myself and i apologized to him about being disrespectful, but i still happened... It all is stupid because i seriously have zero understanding of how everything works and i have been pampered and lucky enough to have a man who deals with these issues all on his own why i can just stay home with the baby. But no. I am definitely not the one to give out advice on this, but i did. He didnt say anything, but it doesnt mean he took it lightly.

masterofthebarkarts · 2018-04-25T19:42:05+00:00

My fiance is very inefficient and I am an efficiency QUEEN. I have to learn to just LEAVE HIM THE HELL ALONE when he is doing something in a way that I find inefficient/unnecessarily time consuming/basically wrong haha. He'll get it done! And even if it isn't perfect, so what? Who made me Ultimate Boss of All Things?

KittenLoves_ · 2018-04-25T06:46:24+00:00

I've been screwing up a bit lately. I know what I've done wrong, but I'm having a hard time rectifying it. Maybe you all can help me.

Some background: my boyfriend and I decided, at the end of last year, that we would have a date night once a month, where we would try a new, interesting restaurant, and we would alternate who picks and pays. Last week, we decided together (actually together -- I didn't delegate what day this was to happen) that this Thursday (tomorrow), being my boyfriend's first day of vacation, we would take a small trip to a scenic city nearby, and go to a restaurant in that city for dinner. He never brought up any concerns about this. Yesterday morning I made a reservation for a restaurant and excitedly told him about it. When he got home, he asked me to cancel the reservation because he didn't want to spend his first day of vacation going somewhere, he just wanted to relax, and that with an upcoming vet trip for our kitten, it probably wasn't reasonable to go to a restaurant this month at all.

Okay. On the whole, these are all valid and reasonable justifications. Here is where I'm running into problems and find myself getting annoyed: why couldn't he have brought this up sooner? We've known for a month that the kitty had a vet appointment on Friday, and if he didn't want to spend his first day of vacation travelling somewhere, why did he happily agree to it in the first place? (I even asked him if he was sure he wanted to do this on his first day of vacation and he said yes, he did.)

So here I am, visibly annoyed and acting a bit coldly (wrong of me), not because I need to cancel a reservation, but because he's brought it up so suddenly and unapologetically.

What I've done wrong: I've reacted poorly (palpable annoyance, cold demeanour).

How I tried to fix it: This morning before he left for work, he asked me why I had been acting this way. I told him that I was sorry but it was because I was disappointed our plans had changed so suddenly. (I tried not to make it sound like I was blaming him. I believe my exact words were, "I'm a bit disappointed that we had to cancel our trip.") He reacted poorly to this, pulled away from a hug, said he would see me after work, and left.

What I can do differently: I don't know, because until I figure out how to stop being so annoyed (or at least until I figure out how to stop acting like I'm annoyed), this problem is going to remain. I keep telling myself, "what's more important, going out to a restaurant, or having a happy relationship?", but it isn't making me significantly less sour.

sparkledragon45 · 2018-04-26T06:41:57+00:00

I screwed up.

I was going to go out dancing with my friend Saturday night and possibly sleep at her house if I didn't feel safe driving home.

I told my fiancee this and he told me that he doesn't like it when I go out/drink/stay somewhere else and not come home. I said a bunch of stupid things, and unintentionally/jokingly compared him being gone for 3 weeks in military stuff to me being gone for one night having fun.

After more talking, he ended the conversation by saying, "this isn't wife behavior, I thought you were better than that. I shouldn't expect you to act like a wife until we're married."

I feel so sad and hurt and scared right now and all I want to do is fix this. I am scared of how much damage I did to our relationship and how much I hurt him.

bloobird08 · 2018-04-24T21:23:24+00:00

So this isn’t completely on topic, but I am having some mixed feelings about my life track. I’m in monk mode and applying to grad school this year. Since things are kind of up in the air, and I might move away from here, I’m not going to be dating for a while. The problem is I’m feeling lonely and miss having a companion. I have this feeling like I’m messing something up and should just be dating right now? Like worried about “wasting time” not looking for a husband. I want to go to grad school though because it opens up a LOT more career opportunity and higher pay, so I won’t have to be worrying about money in 2-3 years time. The field I’m going into has great starting pay and is in high demand. Im also a homebody and currently work from home, so grad school will also give me more social opportunity. Any women on here meet their husband while in grad school?

Pixie0310 · 2018-04-27T00:08:19+00:00

I just had a visit from my fiance, who currently lives in another country (getting married within the year so we can live together again). We got into two rough arguments, even though I'm doing my best - both involved what ended up being something like me, putting my family before him.

It's a tough situation; my parents don't approve of him because he is from a different religion (they have basically disowned me because of it). The only member of my immediate family who will hang around us is my big brother, who is also letting me stay with him temporarily. He has become a kind of representative for my entire immediate family, and so I am always trying to win him over (he is tentative in his approval). And so I put pressure on my fiance to "behave" and kind of rushed him around to try keeping big brother happy. Oops.

While I felt like I was just trying to be polite, I know that what my fiance heard was, "You aren't good enough the way you are, and my brother's feelings matter more than yours right now." I tried to edit my fiance's opinions and override his choices in favour of my brother's. I so regret it, and it messed up an otherwise perfect visit.

I have to remember that even though my birth family will always matter to me, he is my family now - even moreso once we have kids. I can't get confused about my priorities.

Spazzy19 · 2018-04-24T18:26:30+00:00

I talked to one of my closest guy friends who I dated for 7 months and broke up with over a year ago. We connected again recently since we do MMA together and would like to rekindle our friendship since dating was a disaster due to incompatibilities (kids/finances). My SO struggles with jealousy/insecurity because he’s been burned twice by former gfs in the past, so we’re working our differences out in therapy together. I’ve never dated a jealous person so it throws me for a loop.

In any case my friend just got into a new relationship and we’re stoked for one another. But our level of connection makes my SO nervous. Yesterday I screwed up by doing a catch-up over text over the course of 1-2 hrs while I did other things at work, but I notified my SO that my friend had inquired about a referral to a dr I used for his gf. In any case, SO expected it to be a short dialogue and not turn into a catch up about our respective lives and is very hurt.

So I listened and kept my mouth shut even when his statements triggered me, and I’ve agreed to not converse with my friend for the time being until my SO feels more comfortable with the situation.

Title	Self-reflection time. Things you know you shouldn't have done, yet you did them/said them/thought them lately.
Author	littleshroom
Upvotes	30
Comments	31
Date	April 24, 2018 10:54 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/8eji7c/selfreflection_time_things_you_know_you_shouldnt/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/self-reflection-time-things-you-know-you-shouldnt.2821 https://theredarchive.com/post/2821

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