Why is a man who rejected me still basically acting like my beta orbiter?

sandgoose · 2013-12-30T05:22:58+00:00

Ask him why he treats you like his girlfriend if he doesn't want a relationship flat out.

RedSpectrum · 2013-12-30T03:14:34+00:00

Seems like a stage 5 clinger to me. Go ahead and drop him if you wish, if you are really an 8 you should have no problems attracting other men.

Best of luck, im sure the other guys here have better advice for you

FearEatsSoul · 2013-12-30T06:49:37+00:00

I've been in this guy's shoes before. There are two reasons I acted the same way this guy is acting towards you:

Girl 1) The sex became boring and I was no longer attracted to her physically. In this case I kept my mouth shut about my loss of attraction with the girl, suggested we be friends, did friend shit and we eventually stopped talking/phased out.

Girl 2) Same age difference you have with this guy, she was young. I saw small hints that she would probably cheat on me and not be trustworthy with a LTR. The hints weren't obvious, but a man my age knows the signs. We hooked up casually until she told me she wanted something serious, I told her no and avoided her, cut her off.

shakaldrogo · 2013-12-30T03:32:08+00:00

as a girl, you might want to check out /r/RedPillWomen. They give you redpill female advice but i'll give it a pop.

To be honest I wasn't really looking for an asexual boyfriend which is what it feels like, and no he's definitely confirmed not asexual or gay. I'm looking for a serious LTR material only. I'd be his 'friend' if I thought nothing was going on but something about the whole 'friendship' just feels odd.

DO NOT be his FRIEND. He most definitely wants more. That's called friendzoning & nothing good comes out of that (for the guy). He is beta as they come & is afraid to make a move. Most of us here were all like that at one point in our lives because of some societal indoctrination (modern "feminism") of how we're supposed to attract women.

the reasons he gave were like all the cliched shaming tactics an older woman would use on a man.

He worries too much about what society thinks about him. The shaming tactics you're on about here is part of the feminazi way of shaming men for having preferences because they're now old & he doesn't want them instead.

He has all the beta traits from what the sound of it. The only way he knows to attract women is froom disney channel type romantic cliché movies (far from reality). It's shamed upon to think otherwise. Feminists will call it patriarchy blah blah. If he tries to be who he is by being assertive & taking control, he'd be called rapey or controlling. It's tough, i know. He needs reality in his life. Drop him so he learns to see how he's been lied to about how to actually attract women. It's for his own good.

Edit: is he 32 & you 20?

Demonspawn · 2013-12-30T04:42:49+00:00

He wants you. He is afraid of having you because of society's reaction. He is worried about the judgement he'll face for "cradle robbing". The reaction to your FB video was his own hamster trying to find reasons to not be attracted to you (even though he very much is).

Everything makes sense other than your interest in him. But that's yer choice, so oh well. Next time yer at his place alone, just find a moment to lean in and kiss him. About 4 seconds in his instincts will take over any rational disagreement and you will be heading to the bedroom.

The other option is to leave his life. He wants you but "can't have you" so this is a friendzone even if it's not you manipulating him... instead it's society doing so.

MartialWay · 2013-12-30T03:56:28+00:00

He has been brainwashed by the Slave Morality into denying his normal needs but he still wants you.

Solution - men aren't that rational. Do what millions of men have had to do before you - create a situation where it can happen, with privacy, chemistry, contact (and possibly alcohol) and just let it happen.

[deleted] · 2013-12-30T13:51:52+00:00

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[deleted] · 2013-12-30T03:38:38+00:00

If your description is accurate, it sounds like he is interested in you but has decided rationally that it would be a bad idea for him to go further than being friends. Is he in a position of authority where his reputation or job could be threatened by becoming intimate with you?

Men tend to prefer younger women, but contrary to popular opinion, many of us are very rational and do not think solely with our penis. It could just be that the risk for him is not worth the reward. Alternatively, he may have been indoctrinated by feminists from a young age that he shouldn't 'prey' on younger women.

Either way, here is how you find out what is going on: ask him. He'll probably tell you straight up. If he doesn't, tell him to man up and grow some balls, then ask him again. 100% success guaranteed, 16 times out of 20.

Patriarchal_Bondage · 2013-12-30T08:13:22+00:00

I think I'll get more honesty here than r/relationships.

Touche.

Reginald_Waterbucket · 2013-12-30T16:02:06+00:00

Sometimes a good man needs a perceptive woman (as you so clearly are) to look him in the eye and offer him a CLEAR chance to man up. It may seem unfair or unattractive that you have to do it for him, but it's sometimes a great favor and he might surprise you! I think you should look him in the eye: "Enough of this age bullshit. Romance and chemistry don't have anything to do with age. If you've been hurt before, or are scared for a different reason, fine. But pinning it on my age insults me. Do you want to take me out on a real date or not? Take some time before you answer, because this great 8 will be moving on very shortly."

Boom. And I mean BOOM. Even if he stammers and pulls away, he'll get the message that he needs to reexamine his thinking.

Source: I'm a sensitive guy who has been shaped by strong women all my life, starting with an Italian mother who would slap me for being scared to ask a woman out.

ArtilleryCamel · 2013-12-30T04:05:04+00:00

My guess is that he can't get over his attraction for you but still feels like a pedophile for it. The immaturity excuse is probably bullshit, I've used it before. 12 years may be a big deal if you are 18 but not if you're closer to 25+. Maybe he's keeping you around till you get older or something.

If you want him, you should just grab him and kiss him, in that moment you'll be confronting his attraction for you, and explain that 12 years isn't that unusual.

Let us know what happens.

Edit: The thing I'm trying to get at here is he is attracted to you with the age gap but is afraid of what others would think.

mrust · 2013-12-30T06:23:51+00:00

He's insecure and sounds like the stereotypical nice guy. He does not know what he wants because of the conflict between his upbringing (societal conditioning) and his biological drive. He may not be asexual, but he has repressed his drive.

I find it strange you are attracted to him at all. It really seems like the genders here are reversed and you are trying to make a rational choice while he is looking for some magical spark.

Dropping contact is your best option.

[deleted] · 2013-12-30T09:48:47+00:00

Sounds like a narcissist who craves the attention and is using you to fulfill his role as a paternal older nice guy figure. As long as he craves the attention and role fulfillment more than the sex, he'll keep on using you. I'd try a more direct route and seduce him if you want to move this forward. Then see what happens when he can no longer be the paternal figure and has to be "daddy".

Gstreetshit · 2013-12-30T14:59:36+00:00

I'll save you some time OP. Drop him immediately. You don't want to date someone this weak anyway.

Drop him and:

A. he will bitch about it and you will see how much of a wuss he can truly be

B. He will man up and tell you / do what he actually wants

C. He will stay silent and never contact you again.

This is not someone you want to get involved with anyway based on their behavior. Even if you are extremely attracted to him, this will surely fade over a short amount of time in the form of resentment.

If you are just wanting to get some dick, then I suggest you facilitate a situation that allows for this and you make the first move, because he obviously won't. By move I don't mean talking to him about dating again, I mean seduce him.

PaulRivers10 · 2013-12-31T00:19:55+00:00

I was in a situation that was like that once. The age difference was even more marked - I was 28, she was 18. My situation was different in that I didn't have a problem with the age difference. This girl could pass for being closer to my age, so there was really no problem.

The problem was - while I really liked her - I mean I REALLY liked her - there were 2 things that kept me from actually dating her (though we made out a couple of times) -

She had health issues. Like, every year, she had to have surgery for something. I never thought I would think this, but I started wondering how we would ever have kids. It seemed like it would kill her or something, and if not, our kids would end up with health issues.

I also think there was something about this that was a problem with the sexuality - we'd make out for a while, and the passion would go down, not up like it usually does.

There was something emotionally missing from our relationship. However, this may have been my bad - I found the ambition I liked in another girl (when I was clearly not dating the first girl, no weird overlap), only to realize she was completely untrustworthy, and that the thing I was looking for was probably directly related. I stopped wanting it, but by then the first girl had kinda moved on.

It sounds like he's in a similar situation to where I was - he's torn about dating you, he's interested, but not interested enough to overcome whatever real reason is he doesn't do it. You basically have two options -

If you really want to date him, and think that this is interferring with your own love life, you can tell him that you just don't think it's good to be in this in between stage and phase out the friendship. If he's really interested, being that he knows you're interested, he'll say something.
If you don't think it's really a problem that you're not dating him, and you don't think it's interfering with the rest of your love life, you can probably just keep doing what you're doing. Maybe bring it up - "Look, we talked about dating, but you haven't been interested, I just want you to know that I'm moving on to flirting with and dating other people. It's cool with me, but I expect you'll be a friend and not be discouraging about it, cool?"

"beta orbiter" is a term for a man who wants to sleep with the girl, but she isn't really interested in him. This isn't your situation though.

I also drove the girl I mentioned above to pick up her stuff from a guy she was dating and broke up with. It wasn't an easy task, as she was really upset about it. I just felt like I was being a good friend to her, and I kinda owed her after turning her down.

Look, you're not "using" him if he acts like a beta orbiter, but you've brought up the topic of dating and he's turned you down. You just have to decide what's in your own best interests here - staying friends with him, or needing to move on yourself.

nerdrhyme · 2013-12-31T08:09:11+00:00

He's just a weird dude. Don't worry about him, there are a lot of other winners out there who will do you right sexually. A girl as attractive as you claim to be in the STEM field is a hot commodity.

throwaway_trp_ab · 2013-12-30T03:32:47+00:00

My guess: he sees potential in you but is frustrated at how young and immature you are. He wishes he could date you but feels sleazy because of the age difference, and when you do something immature it reminds him of that and makes him feel bad for being attracted to you.

What do you want to do about that?

fruitofmyloom · 2013-12-30T05:18:00+00:00

I wouldn't be so sure about him being asexual. My guesses, in order of decreasing probability:

Too scared
Not enough experience with women
Asexual

through_a_ways · 2013-12-30T07:40:48+00:00

Sounds like any number of things:

worried about being judged for dating a younger woman
trying to "game" you but failing
little sister complex

I often feel the last one when I talk to girls who are 4 or more years younger than me, and I'm in my early 20s. Sometimes happens with girls my age too, depending on their personality.

smilingjester · 2013-12-30T09:20:02+00:00

I see a lot of conclusions in this thread, most of which are based on unconfirmed assumptions. "Beta as fuck" "afraid"..

Society doesn't talk down an older man who dates a young woman, on the contrary.

He obviously has a specific reason for doing this.

Kombaiya · 2013-12-30T11:33:33+00:00

Curious, your age gap is 12 years...How old are you? Also, how did you meet him???

If your <20 then there may be things which make you look immature. Be careful with social faux pas like spending too much time on your phone/technology/selfies, also talking about fucking obnoxious celebrities look immature (even though fully grown adults do it all the time). Also he's probably done all the drinking games/night clubs so he really doesn't want to be dragged down to places like that.

You have to act mature. Try talking to him about doing shit around the house, washing/cooking/cleaning etc...Contrary to what feminists tell you, being a lazy ass isn't liberating or attractive for either sex.

Also think about shit your into. Is it kids stuff? He's likely got more developed tastes and if your into one direction then it's like dating a little kid. What does he like? Report back to us on that.

It seems like he's into you especially if he's saying that age is the factor, he wouldn't say that if it was for some other reason. You've got to prove yourself to be mature enough, however in order to do this, you've got to really be mature enough to let him go if necessary but hey, this is a learning experience and I'm on your side here.

I'm sure you can get him and I'd love hearing updates.

Whyver · 2013-12-30T13:46:07+00:00

He's either mind fucking you (to great effect) to get you even more worked up about him or his dick doesn't work and he wants you around because hot and smart women are not easy to find. Can't tell you more without tits.

rickaboy · 2013-12-30T13:55:31+00:00

Just to confirm, are you younger than him?

If I had to guess; he probably just enjoys the female attention from you but doesn't want to act on it for whatever reason. Trying to figure out why someone wants to do something or won't do something will drive you crazy.

I'd suggest dread game - try to do 'something' with another guy which will make him jealous. (maybe comment on how good-looking a certain guy is and maybe flirt with them a little in front of him) ... this might get him to realise what he has in front of him.

johnskiddles · 2013-12-30T14:48:45+00:00

He could suffer from erectile disfunction and thinks that there's no sense in opening the toolbox when the drill won't work.

Glorious_Master · 2013-12-30T15:15:41+00:00

you are just out of the zone of what he looks for atm.
"beta" orbiting is the frame he knows that deals with this situation
you maybe are attractive to him but he just won't admit it trying to buy time by orbiting.

randarrow · 2013-12-30T15:50:14+00:00

How badly do you want him?

If you want him to put up or shut up, invite him over and answer the door wearing nothing but skimpy and very exposing lingerie. If he balks or acts the gentlemen, tell him to get out and not come back.

If you think he is LTR material and would regret losing him and would regret losing him, keep dropping hints and putting out chances, but then don't toy with him if he takes the bait, just reel him in.

If you want minimum effort, send him here. Ask what he thinks of TRP, say you find it interesting. He might never come around, or it might take a little while. He'll likely view this as a shit test, so be prepared for a lot of different responses.

Beta social programming is hard to get over, especially if he is not aware of it. Also, men tend to be strongly sexually repulsed by women they have father feelings for. Incest aversion is strong evolutionary programming, would not be good to break it. Could just be he treats most people like this though, some people are just patronizing assholes. And, some people are just really turned off by people of a different age than them, 12 years is a very big difference. Imagine the difference between you and a 11 year old to get an idea.

whiskey_bearfist · 2013-12-30T16:13:23+00:00

he feels like he is expected to be put-off at dating considerably younger women.

his facebook joke response could just be sarcasm gone wrong. it rarely transfers well via text.

does he seem like the type of guy who would be a strong leader of your potential family? can you see yourself deferring to him on certain important matters?

i agree with demonspawn's thought that the only thing that doesnt make sense here is that you are into him.

disso · 2013-12-30T17:07:17+00:00

While I agree with what the others are saying about the age difference, I wonder if the answer is much simpler: You aren't his ~~top~~ best risk vs reward prospect at the moment. I realize you cover this, but it sounds to me like a guy who is already getting what he wants(or is hoping to) somewhere else, but knows that he'll regret missing out on the "hot, young thing" once his current relationship/fwb/prospect finally starts to sour. That being said I'm now remembering a few times I "passed" on a girl I wanted to be with because I didn't think it was appropriate and I'm super-ultra-mega beta.

jmikolash · 2013-12-30T18:54:17+00:00

If he's 35 and doesn't understand "dick goes in hole" yet, fuck him. You seem to have an overinvestment , oneitis crush on him. Standard rules apply: go meet 5 new men and forget about it. You are the abundance gender, it will be easy. Just have self respect (no one wants to be the shitty lock), and screen your prospective men better before you invest in them.

imarcink · 2013-12-30T21:37:59+00:00

It sounds like he's interested in you but that he is trying to not be, thus the comment on facebook. This may be the feminist indoctrination against age gaps (I experienced a great deal of this in my life).

Advice

Maybe you should point him at this thread and have him read our assumptions about his reasons as an exercise of forcing him out of any semblance of a denial zone. It is a bit easier to point someone at the comments you have made and have them read them than have to explain your whole position in a linear conversation.

You sound pretty serious about wanting this guy. Perhaps knowing that will motivate him.

Maybe pointing him at TheRedPill is a good idea, regardless. If he is suffering from indoctrination you're doing a good deed for the world by helping him wake up.

A couple of thoughts I had while reading the thread

He may be very focused on intellectual compatibility he may perceive a gap there. I place a great deal of value in being able to talk complex topics with my girlfriend than some other guys (I suspect) and as such I might be less likely to get involved with a hot younger woman if I didn't feel that kind of connection.

You mentioned that neither of you wants kids. This suggests to me that he is less animalistic in his wants in a woman who is just attractive, which leads me to believe he may place less value on you being an 8.

Perhaps he thinks he is tired of young women.

wonsnot · 2013-12-31T05:46:31+00:00

Sounds like you have been friend zoned. I really see this as one of two things. 1 he is just trying to be a decent person and a good friend or 2 he is still on the fence about you( could be attracted and doesn't really know what to do). Don't worry about it. You could have a great friend and move on to a real ltr or he could grow a pair and take you up on the relationship. If he is into you‚ seeing you with some other guy might just be what it takes to push him over the edge and seriously consider you. Guys tend to want what they can't have.

thegman84 · 2013-12-31T08:39:38+00:00

I think I'm at least an 8.....

That you even brought that up tells me you are probably a 6 at best.

Why is a man who rejected me still basically acting like my beta orbiter?

It sounds like he is running PUA material on you and I think you may very well be the orbiter:

"He said something about talking to some woman" (dread game)
"made a comment about how 'very immature' I was....can't tell if it was sarcastic or not" (negs)
"Has not contacted me for almost 3 days" (freeze out)

DrRectangle · 2013-12-30T07:20:05+00:00

Definitely groundwork for a rape.

mdadm · 2013-12-30T08:41:46+00:00

He is running super tight game on you for fucking up your shit. Looks like it's working pretty well.

OBJHamSandwich · 2013-12-30T13:38:27+00:00

Well first, let's ask the pressing question everyone wants to know but, for some reason, has failed to ask: Are you ugly and/or annoying? Be objective and don't lie to us.

[deleted] · 2013-12-30T13:55:00+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Clauderoughly · 2013-12-30T04:42:54+00:00

In this circumstance he thinks he has a hope but he can't nut up and directly ask you.

In this case you need to be cruel to be kind and just make it plain and clear that NO, it is NEVER going to happen and if he keeps acting like a beta bitch you'll cut all contact.

In fact, I would cut all contact for his own good. If you aren't enjoying his company, just delete / block him,

This shit won't stop, even if you tell him exactly what he is doing wrong.

Title	Why is a man who rejected me still basically acting like my beta orbiter?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	63
Comments	86
Date	December 30, 2013 3:02 AM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/TheRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/1tziz1/why_is_a_man_who_rejected_me_still_basically/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/TheRedPill/why-is-a-man-who-rejected-me-still-basically.9385 https://theredarchive.com/post/9385

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