Questions at bottom:

I'd like to talk about my relationship with my wife for the first bit, then talk about what progress I've made.

My wife is smart. We met in college on the same program at school, both tied for best grades. Back then I was dating a few ladies, but she rose to the top as someone that could challenge me effectively and thought I was genuinely funny, and I thought she was interesting. She was a soccer player and I was a nerd.

10 years go by, married, graduated, no kids, 30f/30m. Based on the things below, the relationship has begun to shift. We are both employed. Our finances, run by me, are great. I have a great social life so far, abs she generally doesn't like making friends.

About a year ago I realized the last remaining thing for me to "figure out" in life was our relationship and fitness. I started with fitness. I hired a personal trainer online for myself, and have been working out each morning for the last year. I'm skinny, but I'm bulking up and dedicated and lifting more than ever before. It's done a lot for my mental clarity.

While our sex life has gone up and better, I'm still not getting what I want (and neither is she). But the reason I'm writing today is because of the latest way we've been arguing, and I'd like to get feedback on it.

My wife has always been a little whiny. She'll complain about small things, not because she cares that much, but "because leaving out my dishes EVERY NIGHT is frustrating" or "telling jokes at my expenses hurts my feelings" or "you always say things like that and I think they are mean, and I'd like an apology".

Those are pretty bad examples, but what she does is gets all pouty, I ask her what's wrong, and she lectures me for 10 minutes about the topic and how she doesn't appreciate it. I'll apologise and roll over, and she'll say my apologies don't feel sincere. Well, they usually aren't. I usually think she should stand up for herself more, or take a joke more often. Her whole extended family lecture each other all the time and it doesn't feel effective, but sometimes "it's the only way to get the point across".

I've been working out a year, and most the time i work out, she watches TV. We both work, but me from home and her in person, and she says since I work from home, I get a lot of time to surf Reddit, so it's about even. But, while I'm on Reddit 3 hours a day here and there, it still feels like she's being lazy by watching TV 3 hours a day. I've tried to get super fit and lead by example, (she's slightly overweight) but so far, she hasn't seemed to follow my lead or diet or anything.

So, powered by my confidence from fitness, I've decided I'm tired of being lectured. It's been rough, but I've resisted being talked down to. Part of that is stepping up my chores/owning shit around the house. Part of that is less apologizing for things I haven't done. I think it's been going... Alright. My wife doesn't like it very much. We argue even more, when she is ready to lecture me about feelings and I just don't care, she gets really sad. If I just deny it, she gets angry. If I try to quickly accept and apologize, she says it's not sincere. She withholds affection, probably unintentionally (she's sad!) During a lot of these arguments.

questions: 1. Any suggestions for heading off / arguing less about her feelings? 2. Any suggestions about getting her to own her own shit and diet and make friends and shit 3. I've been really insecure during arguments about maybe her thinking one of her co-workers is hot. She hasn't said anything but I know he's hot and she makes friends with hot co-workers before. I'm 100% positive she doesn't have the interest in cheating, but I find myself extremely insecure by the prospect of even like, a light crush. Tips / tricks here? 4. I do a shit, an absolute fuck ton of validation seeking behavior, especially around being lectured. Any tips to ... stop... Needing that? 5. Part of the reason I've never posted here is I'm scared of her feelings being hurt. I don't want to go to bed sad/angry. But also, my perfect relationship is me as the provider and her cuddling me and me being more alpha and her being appreciative of me providing for her. That would be a total shift. Is that... A realistic thing I'll ever get with this woman? Or should I lower my expectations? I'm not really even considering someone else at this point. (And don't want to!)