When you are new in MRP, you need to STFU and lift. I am getting the hang of STFU but how do I start to lift?

I have ZERO experience in what sport ever, I have NO muscle, can't perform 2 push-ups in a row and I have no stamina.

Now that I finally have the courage and convinction to step into a gym, how do I start lifting? I read stronglifts 5x5 but I don't think I will be even able to start with the recommended weights.

so: please help me and other to start lifting...