I Need Validation

AlohaMaui808 · 2021-08-12T17:38:36+00:00

185 lbs, 6'2

Bp 215PR 165 5x5working weight

Op 140PR 110 5x5 working weight

Squat 245PR No working weight as my quadricep tendons are fucked up right now (rolling and stretching instead)

Dl 275PR No working weight as my quadricep tendons are fucked up right now (rolling and stretching instead)

Bf% 16.5%

At least you mostly kept your weight down while you milk your injuries as an excuse to not try in the gym - but I mean honestly all that takes is doing nothing, so...

I have a feeling half assing surface shit is gonna be a theme here

NMMNG 2x, WISNIFG 2x, MMSLP

in the last two years and that can be attributed in part to the readings and participation here

Ah yes. Reading 3 books and some sidebar material and watching some videos over the course of 2 years seems to really be going all in, maximum effort doesn't it?

Half. Ass. Bullshit.

The simple truth is you don't really want this. You want the rewards, but you know exactly how much work it would really be, and how scary all those changes would be, and what if even if you put in 110%, you still fail and she still doesn't have genuine desire for you? You just can't take that kind of rejection!

Stop being a pussy.

Practical advice? I'm feeling generous to the other guys who read this who might decide to put their balls on the table and give it a real go.

Here's the crumb to follow.

just see it when it comes up/course correct where I can, keep lifting, reading, OYS, and take your time

You're treating symptoms instead of treating the disease.

Where does validation seeking stem from?

Figure that out and you'll have a better chance at real change

This is basic beginner shit man. MRP 101

i-am-the-prize · 2021-08-12T17:38:55+00:00

I think the root cause starts early... I think NMMNG is a great first step on that side of the house, but I think something in your parents style/methods used shaming or fear of abandonment as a way to get you to behave. Through Journaling I identified some key events in my childhood vis my parents treatment of me which were... important. I have forgiven them, for me, not for them, and found how their repeated actions and words, built an early and shitty frame which unknowingly crippled me for decades.

Are you also a 'fixer'? or just a 'pleaser'?

In the end, like you, I worked for a few years grinding on the sidebar, reading many posts, and truly doing the work - but it only did so much. I wasn't quite faking until I made it, but something was missing. My frame, game, looks were trending well, but something was gnawing at me...

What's been different of late is a realization: I am enough. And in order for my opinions to matter (ie: what I care about, what I want to focus on - all without the need for validation from others) I had to simply decide that I mattered. Because if I don't' matter, my opinions surely don't, and my Frame and Leadership are hollow to me, and you simply can't lie to yourself 100% of the time, that's why you're here.

And my choice to continue to improve was purely and simply for my own enjoyment and benefit NOT to form half of a covert contract with my LTR or friends or anyone else. So the poison in your plan is the need for your wife to validate you as a means for motivation. Stop. (yes many of us began this path to 'fix things' but that doesn't get you far enough)

You must truly believe that you are worth fixing for your own benefit. State that you are in your journal. Read it every day. Burn it into your mind. Only you can make it so, the upside: you can make it so.

God_I_Love_Men · 2021-08-12T17:39:02+00:00

Bro, I am 100% like this myself and that's how I found myself here. Luckily, I am not dealing with 99% of the shit people are in these forums, but I could feel myself losing respect for me. It is insidious as fuck to feel like that and I totally believe people can sense it and they start not respecting you either.

I forgot who recommends this, but pretend your wife, coworkers, etc. are nonexistent and start doing shit because it needs to get done for you.

There was a point earlier this year where I'd fix something around the house and expect my wife to be all giddy about it. Sure, she appreciated it, but I legit was doing things solely for validation and not because it brought me satisfaction.

From an exercise perspective: make some goals for you, achieve them and then set new goals. Fuck looking better for other people, look better for you. Be healthier for you.

For work, I now don't just say yes to every task thrown at me - instead I focus on things that will help me progress and grow in my field.

At home, I set the financial pathway, started taking over even day-to-day scheduling so that my days off are fun for me too.

Just starting on even these most basic things have made a world of difference. People are starting to respect my boundaries again. I have a fuckton of work to do here, but man it feels good to be making headway here instead of being a faggoty yes man all the time.

weakandsensitive · 2021-08-12T18:57:11+00:00

Did you know that re-wiring mental processes requires 1) activate engagement and 2) continual effort? What do you think the role of Rule 9 is in this process?

PutABabyInThat · 2021-08-12T17:23:53+00:00

It's just lifting man...

Identify a bunch of your validation seeking behaviors.

Pick one.

Stop doing it.

Once that's easy for you, add another.

Start at an appropriate weight. Never miss a day. Progressive overload.

Tyred_Biggums · 2021-08-12T19:23:43+00:00

Ah. You want the cheat codes. There are none. Do the work. Actual work. Not spin your wheels reading three books a few times in two years.

Petrosian8 · 2021-08-12T23:26:44+00:00

I read through this post, your last few OYS posts and the post you made about folding laundry. It looks like you've figured out that most or all of your major problems come down to seeking validation from external sources.

NMMNG is probably the piece of basic RP-recommended reading that addresses this dynamic the most, but I feel that it does sugar-coat the severity of the situation and its causes to a great degree. Subsequently, WISNIFG is useful for other reasons, which I'll touch on below.

Your title is wrong: You don't need [external] validation. You've just been conditioned to feel panic if you don't get it (primarily, but not always, from a woman). When you encounter a situation that threatens you via the possibility of not having someone's approval, you appear to panic and become super reactive (often in the form of DEERing) to try to soothe that possibility.

A good example of this happened in the comments from your laundry post. You were asked why you were on paternity leave, and you gave the following:

I work at company that gives me 3 months paid pat leave. to be with my kiddo.

I selected this company in part so that I could have kiddos, because I wanted kiddos

so I am on pat leave because I want to be on pat leave.

I enjoy it quite a bit as I get to hit my home gym often, get to manage my bulking diet easier, I am able to do the RP reading more regularly, I have been able to get an actual handle on my prior porn addiction, I get to spend more time outside, it is a bit easier to network to work on the career ,end up having more sex with the wife and better sex, and I get to develop a relationship with my kiddo.

I am unapologetically pro pat leave as it has really been transformative for me these last few months.

it has its down sides but that are not too hard to mitigate most of the time... IE my wife works from home and I am also home... however even if I were not on pat leave I would be working from home... as it stands now I get out of the house quite often and more so than I likely would if I were WFH. I think the main draw back is I dont get to socialize as much BUT on the other hand it has forced me to make real effort in connecting with my dude friends which I now see more than I did when I was in the office.

if you are anti pat leave that is fine, you do you man from where I am sitting for the most part it has helped produce a net improvement on my life. - I am looking forward to going back into the office though as I would like to see my co-workers again in person and get out of my house more but is that pat leave or fucking covid?

Link: https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/o7t9wf/laundry_and_logic/h3dhsqp/

This is a huge, reactive, DEERing-filled diatribe that came directly from your panic of not having the approval of the person who asked the question. Avoiding these types of reactions (as well as identifying them in the first place) is a big part of the utility of WISNIFG. However, they are still reactions to the core problem, which is that initial panic.

So if you were conditioned to feel this panic, most likely as a child, then it was because you were afraid of something. Specifically, if you did not receive this external validation, you were afraid of some consequence. The thing you've got to ask yourself is what is the consequence you were afraid of in the first place, and does that consequence actually matter.

But like I said above, your title is wrong. You do not need validation. You want [external] validation because it soothes your conditioned panic. The more you pay attention to seeing that panic coming, the more you'll be able to stop the validation-seeking reaction, and the more headway you'll make on eliminating the conditioned panic response to begin with.

RoccoPinkman · 2021-08-12T18:29:46+00:00

There are a few good answers here already, so I won’t say much other than, the fact that you are aware that you are seeking validation is a good start.

it’s like being an alcoholic and not seeing it, how would you ever help your self if you didn’t think you had a problem.

You’ve been seeking validation your whole life without even realising.

I get exactly how you feel because I am the same in many ways, but all this behaviour was learned at an early age unconsciously so time and consistency is the key to fixing it.

Just keep it up and be mindful of when you are doing it, fix it when you catch your self.

business_-_travel · 2021-08-12T19:44:57+00:00

Reading:

NMMNG 2x, WISNIFG 2x, MMSLP and watched the vides Rian puts out on these (good stuff). reading the game (recco from Rian). Currently re-reading, re-watching NMMNG and doing the break free exercises.

You might be reading, but you aren't internalizing anything. Go back to Step 1 and re-read to internalize everything on the sidebar. Just because you speed through the books and watch a bunch of YouTube videos does not mean you will get everything in a snap of a finger. All of these issues start to go away once you internalize the issues that you have within yourself while reading through the material.

Rifleshoot · 2021-08-12T17:39:37+00:00

It's not about becoming someone who doesn't need validation, it's about becoming someone that doesn't need EXTERNAL validation. I think you understand how harmful it is to be seeking the approval of others for your own sense of well being. The next step is to understand that your own sense of worth should come from your own honest evaluation of your worth. If you do some self reflection and then come to the realization that you are fat and lazy, then guess what? You are fat and lazy. But that first step is what leads the self-validating man to take the next step into dieting and exercise. You will never stop being evaluated for your entire life. The point is that you stop using the metrics that other people impose on you and start using the metrics of your own. And no, this isn't permission to declare yourself to be great in every area, that's just self-delusion.

You need to give yourself an honest assessment of your strengths and your shortcomings. That's where your validation should come from. And working on those shortcomings and shoring up your strengths is a lifelong process, one that eventually becomes instinctive. It takes time to build the proper mindset here. It's not a simple "technique" or "trick", it's an entire paradigm shift in how you think. There will be moments when you think "what does XXXX think about me when I'm doing YYYYYY." Those are the moments that you've got to push those thoughts aside and then think about "what do I think about me when I'm doing YYYYYY." The only assessment that truly matters is the brutally honest one you give yourself. No one knows you like you do, so no one can wound your own pride like you can.

thisisme0007 · 2021-08-12T20:14:31+00:00

I am fresh on my second rule 9 ban - and this helped me see the validation lens I use

I hope you are reading this /u/BullishScentedCandle

At least this dude is not scared to post and get banned and realizes the purpose of the ban.

rpbb9999 · 2021-08-14T20:31:49+00:00

It's alot simpler than all your needless redundant verbalizing. DO THE WORK

bob--the--man · 2021-08-17T03:27:20+00:00

Everything you need is located on the sidebar. If you haven't internalized NMMNG, then you need to go through and start internalizing the concepts. Afterward, you actually have to act and practice these concepts while dealing with everything in your day-to-day life.

HeckleandChide · 2021-08-20T15:14:25+00:00

The Venn diagram of newbies who are bitches and newbies who have some reason why they can’t squat / deadlift is 1 circle.

hopeunseen · 2021-08-12T23:09:41+00:00

Realize that the reason ANYONE does anything in life is for a reward in some way shape or form.

This might be validation from others (external)

It might be to receive resources / money in exchange for your work (external)

Or it might be to make you feel good but is destructive... Like jerking off or binging an extra large pepperoni pizza that you wash down with a 2L coke (internal)

Finally, the golden prize: Doing something that is internally motivated, AND aligns with your values, goals and mission as a man.

Ultimately, it sounds like you need to make the shift from doing things for others to doing things for yourself. That is at the base of frame.

What I've found helpful for me: Start with something small and consistent and build on that. For me, it's my morning routine. Every morning I work out, make a green smoothie, journal, meditate and read something that will propel my life and business forward. I do this for nobody else - I do it purely for myself to support my own goals, values and mission. I do it every morning, I don't compromise, and I don't apologize to anyone if I have to leave early in the evening to get to bed on time or if I can't meet up early in the morning because I am doing my routine.

This has been very helpful.

I have no answers for you as I'm still on the journey myself, but those are my thoughts. Keep going. Daily progress compounds over time.

Cheers

Title	I Need Validation
Author	hausofedd
Upvotes	17
Comments	55
Date	August 12, 2021 5:06 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/p345bp/i_need_validation/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/i-need-validation.958692 https://theredarchive.com/post/958692

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