laundry and logic

UEMcGill · 2021-06-28T16:00:24+00:00

I want you to look at what the tagged guys have told you. u/BobbyPeru and u/man_in_the_world have cut right to the heart of the matter. DEER'ing is not a pretty look. More important ask yourself, why do you feel a need to explain? A man who DEER's is afraid of the woman's response he is DEERing too. He wants to changer her mind, and convince her why he is right.

First, you need to control the rules of engagement. Learn how to steer your wife's behavior in a way that you get to the second part first. If my wife came out and was being huffy and started to demand from me how to do a job while I had a hose in my hand? I would have sprayed her. Then I would have laughed at her and told her I slipped. Why would I take that seriously? Your wife comes to you like that because it's a boundary you let her cross. I mean who fucking cares if she's right if she's being a cunt.

Now onto the second part. She clearly was bothered in some way by her behavior. She came to you in a conciliatory way and wanted you to excuse her behavior. "Well I was cunt but there's a good reason!". Nope you were a cunt. Now as a leader in your house, when the crew comes to you looking for absolution, you can grant it or deny it, I don't really care frankly. But as the Captain you must absolutely reinforce who's in charge and how orders will be followed. Be Cincinnati, or be Machiavelli, just don't be no one. I generally like to challenge my wife's choices, and reinforce how the interaction would have gone better for her.

"Hey when you act like a spoiled little girl, I can't take you seriously. It may have been important, but at that point it's moot." Use her own words to reinforce your boundaries. "If you have a need, ask me. If I can fill it, I will. Simple. If we have a conflict, put your big girl panties on and talk to me, we can figure it out from there."

In the long run actions not words. She'll act like a cunt again, and you need to decide what your boundaries are and how you will enforce them. She can get with the program, or someone else will.

AlohaMaui808 · 2021-06-25T18:23:50+00:00

How does it feel to be an RPWife? I've always wondered.

Tyred_Biggums · 2021-06-25T18:38:53+00:00

It’s not about the laundry dumb ass.

adeptintact · 2021-06-25T18:42:01+00:00

Wtf was that. She's your mom and you were a good boy in redoing the laundry when she scolded you.

My answer to her yelling at me would have been a simple no. If she doesn't like that, she can do it herself. Or, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT and laugh at her if she comes at you like that.

You DEERed way too much and are entirely in her frame.

BobbyPeru · 2021-06-26T02:47:53+00:00

First off, giving a weight without a height is meaningless.

W: you need to stop two stepping everything M: I didnt two step anything, I put the clothing in the draws in the way that made sense to me

How is this focusing on STFU?

You are DEERing here... and then you DEERed again later.

She owns you. You are responding to her like she’s your boss, so I guess that makes her your boss.
Fix the DEERing issue and this should get better.

so_woke_da_wookie · 2021-06-25T19:51:11+00:00

Sweet Jesus, help him!

BigBoiBahmani · 2021-06-26T05:01:51+00:00

Fix her feels. And then do what is right, or better without being pissy about being wrong.

In any case, don't take her seriously. Extract whatever useful input she gives from her statements, apply it without being butthurt.

But before any of that, fix her feels.

Read "You're not funny" and "Mindset of a man who fucks" article from the main subreddit. They may seem out of context, but these quality works are good to learn what is actually "assertiveness" and to learn how to stop trying to protecting your ego. Everyone can see when you are trying o protect your ego, and it is a pathetic thing to observe. Let go of it.

man_in_the_world · 2021-06-26T00:16:34+00:00

Through all of this my main thing is when she came out of the gym with the statement when you do/dont do X it makes me feel disrespected... I just didnt have a response.

This is just a standard "best practice" communication technique from "nonviolent communication" (NVC) and other similar modern communication advice (to make "I" statements ("I feel bad when you...") instead of accusatory "you" statements ("You fucked up when you...")). In general, you should welcome the fact that your wife chose to try to communicate with you in a respectful "best practice" manner, instead of continuing with the disrespectful shit test approach after you refused to grovel in the garden.

I may have just folded because of that, largely because I see the logic... vertical does actually work better (the cost benefit just doesn't always make sense) I did however call out things are not in a position to do it the way we used to (sure feels like deering though).

Sometimes your wife is right. In those cases, a man who owns his shit acknowledges that and makes the appropriate changes.

Sometimes your wife has a point, but other considerations outweigh it. In those situations, a good captain clarifies the broader picture for his first officer.

Not all discussions are shit tests. Not all clarifications are DEERing. You will eventually need to figure out the differences.

I also didnt call out that stomping out to call out I do everything wrong is silly and she is being silly to do so.

Men secure in their frame need not and do not call out every misbehavior; maintaining your boundaries and otherwise STFU, and letting them embarrass themselves, is often more effective. Your wife is an adult and can figure this out herself ... as she clearly did in this instance, which is why she came back to you with a "best practice" communication style.

Win for you, and for her. Congratulations. Now stop overthinking this shit, and carry on.

321gumby · 2021-06-25T22:10:59+00:00

So glad I'm divorced..

ChokingDownRP · 2021-06-26T00:52:08+00:00

You give a lot of fucks about her mouth noises, huh?

BarracudaRP · 2021-06-28T11:52:55+00:00

There are two things happening here, which is why you're getting advice for both:

1) Valid point about laundry: Wife says it should be folded a different way (maybe she has a point like u/InChargeMan said, cool no big deal to do it differently next time)

2) Everything after that was a massive shit test (and you failed every time you were Defending, Explaining, Excusing or Rationalizing your actions to her)

Remember: Broken Record and other tools are useful for more than just assertive statements. Saying "I see what you mean about the folding, I'll do it that way next time" the first time with a smile, conversation over - anything that follows that is 100% pure shit test. You're not defensive to begin with, because she doesn't impact your frame. Then when she inevitably continues to complain about you two stepping and blah blah blah, you could Broken Record the same statement again. I'd personally repeat myself only once or twice. A particularly nasty woman might mock you for repeating yourself anyways. Negative Assertion is another tool that shows you're not defensive, and willing to have a normal conversation (Negative Assertion: "OK, what was wrong with the way I folded?")

What then? We're in shit test territory, and we know that Amused Mastery or Agree & Amplify work here (or see the comment from u/ReddJive for frame-specific options). Honestly anything would be better than explaining yourself or defending like you did, BECAUSE after the first point was made, the rest was a complete shit test.

JudgeDoom69 · 2021-06-25T20:32:35+00:00

Nothing special here, this is a simple shit test. Her name calling and contemptuous tone turn any simple request into a test of your frame. Which you failed.

It's important that you realize this had nothing to do with the laundry, it could have been anything. She is making sure that your mood and actions are directly under her control.

Reasoning with her, or trying to explain, is pointless. Even if the laundry was perfect, she will simply replace it with something different to bitch about. Just wait and see, because it is coming.

You should have smiled calmly and told her if she didn't like the way you did it, she should do it herself. Or she can tell the clothes-folder to put them away. The point is not to let her shit test rile you.

The crucial thing is not to let her shitty tone and "two step" name calling affect your mood in any way.

Oh, and good job following the askMRP format, it helps us get a feel for your situation. And yes, your squat needs work.

PutABabyInThat · 2021-06-25T19:52:34+00:00

I get I got a long long way to go and I am still going

Just keep going with semen retention. Works much better than OYS.

thisisme0007 · 2021-06-25T19:04:17+00:00

You fucked up with your first response to this shit test.

If she has been giving you a lot of these and you want to be direct you can say "I put them away to my standard. If you want something different, you can redo it how you like it "

But 'k' would have been a better response.

ReddJive · 2021-06-27T00:11:15+00:00

Simple. No frame.

NO FRAME: I'm Soo sorry honey. I didn’t intend to make you mad . DEER DEER DEER

GOOD FRAME: you know your mom told you your face would freeze that way but It looks good on you.

IRON CLAD FRAME: “Two step, huh?” slap her ass and say, "You're next, chubby!"

wkndatbernardus · 2021-06-27T03:30:35+00:00

Hahaha, made up first world problems + DEERing = good times

red-sfpplus · 2021-06-28T20:11:14+00:00

Why the fuck are you on paternity leave?

oooKenshiooo · 2021-06-26T01:11:51+00:00

Here is the thing - your SOs sensors are improperly calibrated. You are such a pushover that she probably has no reference as to what ACTUAL disrespect from you feels like. Your whole „k“ strategy is not going to get you anywhere, because she will keep overstepping your boundaries, making shit worse and worse.

It also ironic that SHE is the one disrespecting you, because her bahaviour implies she thinks you‘ve got nothing better to do and her trivial demands are more important than whatever thing you deem important right now. Moreso - you are actually rewarding her way of interaction by complying. You probably conditioned her into nagging psycho already, but maybe there is something to save there. Problematic dogs get turned around all the time, so why not her?

So the next time she discrespects you, you might tell her „how about you shut the hell up until you remember how talk to me in a civilized manner?“

Probably she is going to fire off on you the first few times. If that happens - STFU, take the kid(s), go for a walk. If she wont let you take the kids, go off alone, grab dinner for the family, come back home, have the kids make the table, eat dinner. Ask her if she wants to join - nonverbally implying she can, if she behaves. If she can not behave, you tell her once „not while we are eating“. If still can not behave herself, leave the table, clean up your plate and the kids plates afterwards.

Do not talk to her for the rest of the night. If she want you to sleep on the couch, you tell her no, get into bed, pat the bedside, and tell her to join you. Escalate from there. If she does not want, no biggie, go to sleep. Repeat.

Whenever she is disrespectful to you, she loses all rights to any kind of help. You do your shit, you care for the kids, you leave her stuff untouched. Extend a friendly invitation once in a while to see if she can behave.

There is also an important distinction there: Never go after her to get a shot in. A lot of guys make that mistake because they go rambo and aim for revenge. Do not go for revenge. You are conditioning her, not fighting her. Never mess with her shit, insult her, grab her or anything. Tell her to shut up. If she does not - leave. Later extend a friendly invitation to a good thing, non-verbally implying she must behave. If she behaves civily, treat her in a civil manner. If she behaves like a proper wife - reward her with manly affection and aknowledgement.

Embarrassed-Cry5611 · 2021-06-25T21:56:21+00:00

Take folded laundry out of where you are too fucking retarded to put it away correctly. Drop it on floor. Demand wife gets on hands and knees to show daddy how its supposed to be folded. Rail her from behind while she puts away the clothes youre too fucking stupid to fold correctly the first time. Repeat until you truly understand how to fold clothes.

WeakDeludedDisciple · 2021-06-26T03:58:34+00:00

Dealt with this shit from a neighbour today. Her hot cousin jokingly offered me a threesome so that made up for it

You obviously do not like the frame she is setting but you are too uninformed to handle it. She totally dominated you.

You need to study the principles here until you understand them. Then change things you aren’t happy with. Like that whole interaction.

Kevlar__Soul · 2021-06-27T01:16:47+00:00

First couple Rian videos he talks about just this case. Doing it to her specs on her timeline vs your specs to your timeline.

Simple answer it do it yourself. Best response would be to smile and spray her with some water.

rpbb9999 · 2021-07-01T12:06:15+00:00

Sounds to me like you need to start over and do the reading and the work. Between all the talking and explaining your doing, your going to be chasing your tail forever

Title	laundry and logic
Author	hausofedd
Upvotes	9
Comments	46
Date	June 25, 2021 6:15 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/o7t9wf/laundry_and_logic/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/laundry-and-logic.787085 https://theredarchive.com/post/787085

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