Looking for some advice. Situation is complicated.

Archwinger · 2017-07-09T11:57:37+00:00

The best part about your marriage being over is that you no longer have to worry about what she's going to do, what she'll think, or how something will make her feel.

Now that you're in a position where none of that is your problem, what do you feel like doing? Go do that. What's she going to do about it? Withhold sex? Treat you disrespectfully? She's already doing all of that. So just do what you want, say what you want, and to hell with her.

She'll come around, or she won't, but even if she does, that's how you should be living your life with or without her. You can't let what she might do, think, say, or feel control what you do and say.

gizmozed · 2017-07-09T12:27:04+00:00

She couldn't even keep up the act for a single year. Move on.

Enza2363 · 2017-07-09T10:47:47+00:00

Go back to the US on your own, Border Control will keep her out. Notch 1 to experience and get on with your life.

fuckmrp · 2017-07-09T13:13:43+00:00

So you're asking if you should grow a pair a ditch this cunt or put the ball gag back on and continue to take it up the ass? Is there even a question here?

Pro tip. Your wife has personality disorders and you have zero skills to mitigate it, run.

Sapphire_Jizz · 2017-07-09T09:53:50+00:00

For all intents and purposes for now and the near future, your marriage is over. She has shown you her true self over the course of your first year of marriage and it's ugly. That being said, you're a fucking mess with zero frame and it is entirely your fault that you've let this shitty person ruin your life. You must fix yourself before you can proceed with any of the bullshit that involves her. Use the sidebar. It's too early to decide if you'll divorce her yet... I would give yourself at least 3 months self-fixing before you make that decision.

Regarding your wife: she cannot be trusted; she is a threat to your well-being. I could see her throwing a false abuse or assault accusation at you if you "lose your cool" around her again. From now on, treat her with absolute respect and cordiality. Always be level-headed no matter how hard she tries to gaslight you. Read WISNIFG ASAP and employ its techniques to deal with her manipulation. Agree to the separation thing but do not live in her family's apartments -- this only makes you more beholden to her. You want to get as far out of her abusive frame as possible. See a counselor if you like, but you must do it for yourself and not under her bullshit pretenses. Communicate with her only when neccessary and only about important logistical things. Do not call her to chat with her about weather. Do not text her for no reason, do not flirt with her over text. Do not victim puke at her with an email. Do not fuck her. If you must see her in person, do it in a public place. If you have to be in a room with her alone, record everything on your phone. She cannot be trusted. She is not on your team. She will turn everyone against you; she already has. You're the only person who is unequivocally on your own team. Be prepared to do everything alone to fix your life, if you must.

Figure out what you want your life to be, and if you envision her as any part of that life. Do you need to move back to the states sooner than later? Can you divorce her before you do this? How would the divorce process even work? If you record your interactions with her (for your own protection), would these be at all admissable in country X, Y, or Z's legal system? Have you read the side bar?

From what little you've shared, I would divorce her, move back to the states, and spin plates for a couple years while you make yourself and your life awesome.

FireTempered · 2017-07-09T17:13:22+00:00

Green card game.

Love you. Hate you. Green Card. Leave you.

Hate you. and it's all your fault.

She's good, and it looks like her family is in on it.

You never saw it coming. Without help, it could take you years to figure it out. I would be damn sure she never saw a Green Card.

Her only recourse now is to get pregnant. Sleep with her and you will pay.

InChargeMan · 2017-07-09T14:24:20+00:00

Greencard?

So, you're saying she NEEDS you to get a greencard to US, and it is only a month away from being complete, and she is acting like this?

RUN, don't walk, RUN away from this bitch. Even the most manipulative of women will know to hold their chips until after the payout. This is as sure a sign as there can be that you need to cut your losses ASAP.

Cut contact with her, halt any greencard processes, and get on with your life. Thank god you don't have kids.

BluepillProfessor · 2017-07-09T16:30:09+00:00

This thread may already hold the record for the number of "next" and dump that bitch advice. Mods have a policy to discourage this and indeed it is in the founding post for MRP- but not with these facts.

All_Ads_Deceive · 2017-07-09T10:30:39+00:00

She's from EU country. You're in military. She's already stopped fucking you and treats you like shit. Shes after your green card bro.

This has happened thousands of times

screechhater · 2017-07-09T15:28:19+00:00

leave.

read the side bar before this repeats itself next time don't be a white green card knight

atlhart · 2017-07-09T13:59:19+00:00

You're obviously extremely new to MRP, so let me tell you, there are two kinds of people: those that get it and those that don't, and the line is drawn between the replies where people are talking about your bitch wife, and the replies where people talk about how you can take control of your life.

Your wife isn't a bitch. She's not crazy. She's not mean. She's not selfish. At least not more so than any other woman. This is basically AWALT, but also a deeper dive into understanding oneitis and that your wife isn't a special snowflake. What I mean is: your wife isn't unique and neither is your situation

It's not complex. It's not confusing. It's not complicated.

It's the same thing we see in here every day. And the answer is you need to read the sidebar. Why haven't you done this already? It's right in your face that you need to read the sidebar first before posting. There's details of exactly what you need to know and understand. But yet you haven't done that. Because you don't have time, or it's too much work, or some other excuse. Instead you think someone can and should boil it down for you and make it easier. Make it simpler.

Well it's not simple and it can't be boiled down. That you think that, that you think there is a lazy/easy way that's "good enough" that you can get what you want without having to spend all that time reading.

And that's the entire reason you are where you are right now.

You need to read the fucking sidebar. All of it. Every word. And read what it recommends reading. And read more.

Now, I've gone on a long diatribe on the general issue. But now I'll get specific. Here are things that are wrong with you that you need to fix, and if you'd even read the sidebar a little you wouldn't need me to tell you.

You get butt hurt. A lot. About sex. When you don't get your way. When situations are stressing. You can angry and whiny. Would you want to fuck someone that is angry and whines like a little bitch? No you wouldn't, and so why should you expect your wife too?

Stop getting butt hurt when she turns you down and stop complaining and trying to convince her to have sex with you. You cannot negotiate desire. You can't talk your wife into wanting to have sex with you. At best you can beg for scraps (aka duty or starfish sex). Who the fuck wants that?!? I know I don't, and I know you don't either.

Be attractive, don't be unattractive.

Stop lashing out. Honestly, you're all in her frame. You don't know what that means, so read the sidebar. When you lash out because of something she says, or when you get upset because "she twisted" your words....you're letting her control the reality of the situation. It's her world, you're just living in it. I highly recommend you read up on Stoicism.

Finally, your wife is unattracted to you because your future is uncertain and she thinks that you are failing at leading your lives together. You are leaving the military and basically jumping off a cliff. You don't know what's next and neither does your wife. And whatever you are doing to prepare for it is not convincing your wife that it's a good next step. She thinks you're already failing at being a provider, and that's why she's talking about using her contacts and her citizenship to get you a job in Europe, because whatever you are doing doesn't seem to be working. Before you get defensive, I'm not saying this or judging your efforts. I don't know what you're doing and I don't care. I'm just translating what your wife is telling you.

Your wife both thinks you are failing as a leader and she's fucking scared and you're acting like a crazy person. The next few months are a big fucking transition for both of you. She needs an oak. A leader. A man with a plan.

Instead she's got you. A dude whose freaking out more than she is and acting like he's the swimmer in need of a life raft.

My words are harsh because men don't have time for sugar coated bullshit.

And I'm not some psychologist or RP theorist. I'm a guy that read the sidebar.

Nec_sorte_Nec_fato · 2017-07-09T10:54:37+00:00

Everything I said basically was twisted against me yet again. None of my issues were addressed and now apparently I have extreme anger issues and say aweful things that she claims I need to seek help for. She claims that I need to now show her a change in my behavior before she feels comfortable staying with me or flying to the US. She then proceeded to twist my words into the belief that marriage should be stronger than this and we need to work it out starting with me seeing a counselor about my anger. She also told me she tried to hug me (her way of coming on I guess?) in bed but I turned her down several times in the past months. I actually felt bad by the time I went to bed that night.

I've been there dude - sounds to me you are married to a master manipulator. Who else in your lifetime has made you doubt yourself so much? Anyone? I'll bet none - she's a real piece of work. Do NOT bring her to the US or you'll regret it for the rest of your life.

Should I say fuck this and get on a plane to where my friends live in Europe?

Amen.

trying to figure out what to do and am looking for advice since my emotional circuits are overloaded.

There isn't a quick fix, and trying to "work things out" at this point is asking to go to jail when she twists your words and fucks with you until you lose your cool.

Create space away from her
Accept that you cannot change her
Begin TODAY changing your mindset
Read read read and keep asking for reinforcement here at MRP

straius · 2017-07-09T15:36:45+00:00

She has nothing to promise you but misery. You are just a stepping stone to provisioning and then she will cheat on you constantly.

Get rid of her. Put on the good husband face and work out whatever legal necessities you need to end it. Do not trust her. She will fuck you over the moment she feels her goals are unattainable or her plan blocked.

She will be the abyss that will suck years of your life away and you will hate yourself for not doing something about it sooner when you come out of it years later.

FistFullOfBitches · 2017-07-09T15:32:31+00:00

She married a provider who would set her up with a green card. You threatened your provider status to her by switching career paths, just when the end game was approaching and success was in her sights. She feels entitled to have the end game play out how she wanted so she thinks she can make all the demands of you.

As if that isn't red flag enough, the whole twisting of words to make you the bad guy should be lighting up the sky in front of you like a crimson sunset. Recall how helpless, frustrated, and angry you felt after she did that the last couple of times. Now imagine feeling that way regularly for the next twenty or so years. Winding up staying in a motel by the airport after a year of marriage (hell, winding up there at all!) is just the icing on the cake.

BluepillProfessor · 2017-07-09T16:21:07+00:00

I was about to give the you are not a special snowflake speech and your situation is not unusual but then I noticed this is all in the first YEAR of marriage. Sorry to say you are in annulment territory. How can you say that she ever loved you?

Her attitude is one of constant bitchiness where she is getting offended at what I say even with jokes she thought were funny earlier in the relationship.

Yes they do that but rarely in the first year. It is a slow slide to Beta-dom married friend zone for most guys but she has you on the fast track.

I told her that I wanted out of this.

This is an ultimatum without even a recourse for her. She doesn't think she can not be bitchy like she has been because in her mind she hasn't been bitchy at all! She has been long suffering and pure and giving and...she just can't give any more after such an awful year married to this boring, mean, angry husband.

Damn that was good! I can HEAR the hamster wheel squeaking.

Anyway, the "demand" or "ultimatum" comes AFTER you have improved for some time. AFTER you have regained some control. AFTER you have regained some attraction.

she doesn't feel comfortable staying with me after what I said

Of course not sweety. Because she didn't like, plan this out completely.

Lets review: She DELIBERATELY poked and provoked you until you responded and told her to knock it the fuck off. Now of course this is TFB (Typical Female Behavior) so no harm no foul. Agree and amplify, Amused Mastery, or Nuke (which is what you did). The response of a WIFE is to BACK THE FUCK OFF and make a modicum of effort to NOT be a bitch. Her response was to attack, gaslight, twist things around, and demand therapy. Again, not an unusual response- hold frame etc. What IS unusual is a newlywed woman provoking a fight, twisting it around, and THEN using that to EFFECTIVELY MOVE OUT OF THE MARITAL RESIDENCE.

That requires conscious, next level manipulation.

Have you checked her social media accounts? The Key Logger will tell you what you need to know. $10 says she is cheating or wanting to cheat because a former Alpha lover recently became available. After reading your whole post, this looks to me like she has carefully orchestrated this event.

chachaChad · 2017-07-09T11:11:50+00:00

You two seem to have a problem with communication and conflict resolution. It’s entirely possible it can be repaired however the work required would appear to be astronomical and take a long time. It’s possible to do all the work and still not mend this relationship.

I’m an old dude and your situation sounds like mine somewhat. Married at 30 to someone with different cultural background and it has been a nightmarish constant struggle. I have kids and tons of complications so it’s not so easy to just go. If I were in your shoes I would protect myself and divorce her immediately. Look, sometimes relationships just don’t work. This sure look like one of those.

It doesn’t matter what your family says. They are not married to her. You are. She sees this as all your fault but it’s not. It’s both your faults.

I would give anything to be able to go back in time and end my marriage when I should have. Don’t be me.

Red-Curious · 2017-07-10T03:16:48+00:00

A good friend of mine used to say:

Women go into relationships hoping to change their men; men go in hoping she'll never change; in the end, neither of them gets what they want.

She's trying to change you. As you say, "The man I was is slowly being chipped away." She doesn't like that it's taking too long to chip off more layers. Your problem is that you're letting her chip away layers at all. That's your frame buckling to hers. Even if you think it's internal and you're hiding it, she can smell it on you.

Is your marriage over? It doesn't have to be. That's really up to you. But letting her chip more away is not the way to fix it. I've divorced people (I'm an attorney) who have been married for less than 3 months and just want out. I've also others in the exact same situation who came to me for help with their divorce, I gave them a few pointers on fixing their relationship, and now 7 years later they're still together. I've had this happen a few times.

Your marriage will be what you make of it. That said, cutting and running seems to be the coward's way out that won't solve your long term problem. The problem you're having with her is something that will follow you into your next relationship if you don't learn how to deal with it now. To quote /u/ReddJive ...

Sure TRP says divorce start over ... MRP takes it to the level of fix yourself before you just up and divorce ... if you don't work on you these same issues will be there with the next woman. Your wife is simply your sparring partner. Your practice girl if you will.

Although I may still oppose the overly-relaxed attitude about divorce here, this is pretty good advice. Who knows ... maybe you'll end up saving your marriage in the process. If not and she can't handle the better you, let her be the one to walk away.

[deleted] · 2017-07-10T04:29:27+00:00

have been planning to quit my current job (military)

First of all, thank you for your service. I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope you find some solace in my words and wisdom in this sub. Regardless of how this all goes when you come back stateside, I hope you take advantage of the GI Bill if its applicable.

my wife has slowly been having less and less sex since November and her daily attitude has progressively become worse

very little affectionate contact that isn't forced, the sex is starfish and as time goes on it has more and more restrictions

This has disgusted me [trust your gut] to where I preferred to just not even try.

Her attitude is one of constant bitchiness where she is getting offended at what I say even with jokes she thought were funny earlier in the relationship

she is kind and sweet to everyone but me (even while I'm there)

this behavior was fine with her before (she claims it wasn't).

All in all I have been feeling that the man I was is slowly being chipped away

I'm constantly walking on eggshells and lack female affection which is essentially what I need most from Marriage

I'm sorry to inform you that your wife shows all the signs of a woman who is no longer attracted to you. After judging you objectively without the haze of "love" she also finds that she has little respect for you. It makes it hard for her to keep up the charade except for keeping up appearances and the thought of touching or being with you probably makes her skin crawl.

Outside of that I am constantly reminded at how much she sacrificed in leaving her job last year to come live with me and how much she does for me. This is even though I paid for everything last year since she wasn't working and couldn't find a job. I am always reminded that she gave up her career for me.

We must fly together in order to finalize our Green Card Process. If she doesn't fly with me she can't go to the U.S. at all.

I only have until the end of the month and this is ridiculous to separate now given the Green Card Process we have been working for the past year.

Remember, it's always your fault (because you are the captain), you are entitled to nothing, and that you should not base decisions on a sunk costs fallacy. Search for sunk costs fallacy in MRP/TRP to see why making decisions in a scarcity mentality are bad and why there is so much emphasis on having a solid frame.

When I first met her we shared a passion for travel which seems to be the only time she is happy anymore

This may or may not be a BB tell.

she will openly criticize or roll her eyes at some of the things I say claiming that she is "preparing me for the business world" and that my comments will get me fired. I can be very crude in a social setting with my friends

This may actually be genuine, but given your gut feeling (you know her better than us) it may be gaslighting, something even the feminists agree is psychological abuse.

She also told me she tried to hug me (her way of coming on I guess?) in bed but I turned her down several times in the past months. I actually felt bad by the time I went to bed that night.

and now apparently I have extreme anger issues and say aweful things that she claims I need to seek help for.

basically she said I need to get professional help and counseling and we can talk it over each day

Sounds like more gaslighting, unless you are hitting her or has PTSD

I didn't feel comfortable staying in that apartment because

Your gut; trust it

I need to now show her a change in my behavior before she feels comfortable staying with me or flying to the US

Take the sex out of your memories of her; is she still someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? Did she take care of you when you were sick or at your weakest? Because that was her at her best behavior when she was still attracted to you (you don't really describe her history much besides saying she's sweet to everyone but you).

If such a person is worth fighting for, I'd take the long hard road of MRP (I'd swallow the pill regardless, military guys, even the hardcore guys, seem to be particularly vulnerable to the heartbreak BP engenders).

If she's a terrible person otherwise, I'd take this chance to cut her loose and stop wasting time when I could pursue someone worth my time and commitment. Also I'd focus on my career:

Staying in Europe was also an option since she can get me a work permit but there is more opportunity in the states for ex-military.

She sent me messages today saying that I could have had a place to stay and get a work permit through her (for Europe) but I am pissing it all away with my behavior.

As a man (I guess any person), your biggest asset is your time, which society gauges by your career. IMO its in your best interest to maximize your career regardless of what any person (or woman/gf/wife) wants, with the exception of accommodating your children (an active-duty serviceman embroiled in divorce could elect to being discharged to get partial/full custody of their children).

My family and friends love my wife so she is the victim here with them as well. I'm constantly being told how good she is for me and that I should fix this. Im feeling quite alone now in this foreign city on turf.

Women isolating their men is a common theme on MRP and men's advice columns in general I guess. They may do it inadvertently, but many do it intentionally as a power play (which you also mentioned about regarding foreplay). You would be well served getting support from people who take only your interests at heart, like your mother (usually) and your bros.

my wife is a citizen of an EU country different from where I have been working.

So I'm pretty sure this isn't a Green Card con, but who knows.

Should I say fuck this and get on a plane to where my friends live in Europe?

No, but talk to them if they aren't on her side and got your back

Should I go to the apartment and try to work this out for a couple weeks?

No

I'm at a fairly low point now and am extremely angry with this situation I have created.

At least you're cognizant. Many men here got slaughtered during the divorce proceedings because they were still trying to save their marriage.

I'm not thinking clearly and my wife has me jumping through hoops. Please give me blunt advice.

I'd normally say don't make major decisions when you are emotional, but you have a relatively unique (even by MRP/TRP standards) ticking time-bomb scenario on your hands.

I think going back state-side can only be in your interests. You will (probably) have a social safety-net to rely on and will be more comfortable in your home turf. You can establish the foundations for a future career, whether by starting a new one or furthering your education on Uncle Sam's dime.

Staying in Europe will leave you feeling isolated and particularly pressured to live in her frame, especially considering how your career will be tied to being with her.

I get the feeling you both never discussed what would happen after you quit considering she's still trying to get you to stay in the EU. If you guys aren't in sync about major decisions like this, hanging a sword over your neck by guilting you about quitting her career to be with you (which is a admirable choice for a wife, but something she needs to own), isolating you and not even fucking one year into the marriage, I'd really consider leaving her and starting fresh stateside without all this baggage in the EU.

Thank you.

Again, thanks for your service.

Semper fi, soldier!

thunderbeyond · 2017-07-10T09:50:08+00:00

Well done OP. There are a lot of wise heads here. Taking time to read and consider their opinions was a wise move.

I wish you all the best.

ReddJive · 2017-07-10T12:42:55+00:00

Though the end result is the same.

Divorce. Move on.

What can't be ignored is the possibility of parental influence. Her wealthy parents may have been working on her. Hell the whole marriage could have been a rich girl who didn't like being told what to do any more. So she marries a guy daddy didn't approve of.

The fact that her parents bought her a house as a birthday gift smacks of showing their Son In Law how much better they can provide for her.

So while the advice still stands you need to get your shit in gear. I don't think you had a chance here at all. If you did have your shit together her daddy's money may not have mattered. But I am not going to get into her head. Her next beta will have the same issues.

You on the other hand need to get to work.

pigletsquidink · 2017-07-09T11:06:54+00:00

Try to center yourself, calm yourself and make a decision. Focus on what you want for your life. Do you want to be with her? If yes, ask her why she's behaving this way. Does she want a more balanced relationship? Are you willing to give that to her, if so? She was obviously once attractive to you at one point, and her to you, so what happened?

Title	Looking for some advice. Situation is complicated.
Author	Throwback0001
Upvotes	11
Comments	29
Date	July 9, 2017 8:49 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6m6hsd/looking_for_some_advice_situation_is_complicated/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/looking-for-some-advice-situation-is-complicated.205897 https://theredarchive.com/post/205897

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