Married with Children

HornsOfApathy · 2020-07-22T16:43:18+00:00

She knows I can't just leave and mess up my daughter's life.

As long as this exists, and your fear around it, nothing will change. You must be willing to nuke your nuclear family.

When you are willing to nuke it, it still may not change. Then you'll have a clear path to knowing what to do.

simpleguy237 · 2020-07-22T16:52:49+00:00

I struggled, and still do to a certain extent, with my wife's parenting. The love and instincts were there. I think. Just shitty behaviors and shitty examples.

I did the sulking and lecturing you're describing then just focused on being a better parent myself. Then even better. Then even betterer. Maybe something about 1000 feet tow ropes was at play or maybe I just wasn't as good as I thought I was.

Wife bought into certain things along the way, as they demonstrably worked, and got better herself but also: kids get more capable. The other day, in answer to why he was shouting, my son told her: "You do this! You teach me to shout!". Lol.

Personally I didn't find it any different from the rest of dread. Sounds like you might be missing Acta non Verba.

Unless you can line them up like the Von Trapp family on your own, I'd work on that first.

InChargeMan · 2020-07-22T16:57:02+00:00

No good answers here. This is supposed to be the one thing women are naturally good at. If it were me I would probably escalate my disapproval to the point where the whole relationship is on notice, which as you indicated might end up with you separated and the child with the mom most of the time.

But, maybe your frame is wrong here. Perhaps the threat of HAVING to be the primary caretaker for the kid will scare her enough to follow your lead.

_-resonance-_ · 2020-07-22T19:56:32+00:00

Divorced. Cucked.

After TRP met a girl like this. She clearly thought it was funny how her husband was doing all the dirty work with the kids. She also seemed to think it was funny how badly her kids needed her.

Meanwhile she was available to me and my sexual needs.

OP needs to reprioritize. Remember, it is YOUR responsibility to make sure your kids are cared for. Yes, it helps to have a woman to accomplish this task, but your type of woman will make things more difficult for you and perceive you as week for your altruism and sympathy.

You may find this hard to believe, but your wife is not only gone, but actively making your life harder and things will get worse.

Ignore her completely, make child-rearing appear fun, and stay on your purpose. Get others involved like local family or even a babysitter. You are likely going to need to divorce this person. You should be assertive and get your ducks in a row and make it happen swiftly. She doesn’t have respect for you. Repairing a frame that is so inherently broken is not advised. Even if successful, it will take a toll on your (and thus your kids’) potential.

Focus on your self (this includes the kids) and let her trail behind. It will be funny to see her scramble when you “own your shit” and rely on her for nothing. She’ll try to rope you back into her frame and you’ll get some good sex. But stay firm and true to your purpose and do not let her tempt you off course from your individual path. Get your 50% and let the kids learn the truth in their own time over the years.

Grimsterr · 2020-07-22T21:22:39+00:00

Document everything, record anything you legally can, and start building a file. You're probably going to need it.

DrPsychGainz · 2020-07-22T16:19:26+00:00

Had to almost formally train the wife to parent correctly. My MIL is a somatic narcissist and withheld affection but also inflicted zero physical abuse.

First step was to seed the initial motivation and exercise her prospective foresight by introducing her to seriously thinking about her 40s to 80s. This happened when we were twenty years old. My wife HATES being contacted by her mother for almost any reason and I had her think about what would happen when the roles reverse with our future kids. Basic idea is that it is ideal to not only have the kids voluntarily want to keep in touch, but to have enough number of kids to where even with life obligations like their own kids or careers, there'd be X number of them nearby or available to interact with us.

After that, it was competency and skill acquisition. For motivation, Stefan Molyneux podcasts and videos worked well for peaceful parenting. Skills were taught with books by Glenn Doman and baby sign language videos.

None of this works if your wife doesn't even see what's wrong with herself and almost certainly her own childhood and parents. Also likely has some covert or overt narcissistic traits. Frame can overcome a lot of that, but you don't want to helicopter parent your own wife so you may have to push that off onto a eastern European female therapist (they won't let her get away with gynocentric bs). Good luck

red-sfpplus · 2020-07-22T16:30:13+00:00

You are not suppose to wife up the bar slut.

By default, a woman who does not have motherly instincts is the woman you dont put a baby in.

Now, you are fucked.

themerovingian01 · 2020-07-22T19:12:31+00:00

It sounds like your wife is just plain lazy. But also, there are good moms and there are bad moms.

PaPaKAPture · 2020-07-22T16:05:54+00:00

I'm guessing her mother was a shitty mother. Probably not a lot you can do if that's the case.

BlackFire68 · 2020-07-22T23:36:24+00:00

She’s a shit mother, thats all.

BobbyPeru · 2020-07-22T17:02:27+00:00

If you spent half as much time practicing good parenting as you do trying to fix her, you could lead by example. Maybe she’d follow, maybe not.... but at least the child would have one present parent.

part_wolf · 2020-07-25T18:01:24+00:00

Everyone else has already touched on your need for a stronger frame and more dread (which I absolutely agree with), but some obvious practical solutions are being overlooked here.

If your wife is unemployed and she’s not pitching in, then start outsourcing your wife’s jobs. Put the fucking kid in day care. Get a cleaning service. Drop off your laundry at the dry cleaners. /u/redsfp-plus had a comment a while back that involved making sure all of your shit is locked down. In your case, that might mean child care. The end state of that strategy inevitably involves her waking up and realizing she’s completely superfluous.

dll142 · 2020-07-26T13:36:41+00:00

I can tell you this. Whatever you do, do NOT have anymore children with this woman. I feel for you. From what you describe, you're in a bad situation. Here's the rub.... it is on you then to make sure your child is loved, safe, and gets her needs met. Usually women are hardwired or instinctively programmed to care for children and love them unconditionally. I have 4 children... two to my first wife and two step children. BOTH (sets) their moms are good mom and love them. It sucks your wife is not a good mom. If you end of divorcing over it (that's up to you), you will have to fight her for custody. BUT don't be surprised if your daughter becomes a front and center leverageable issue against you. Women can and will do that.

Depending on the state or country you live in, get a good lawyer. Then my advice (if you divorce), identify the top 5 lawyers or so in your local area that you would NOT want to go against (that she could hire) and do a consultation with them to conflict them out. You may have to give each a small retainer, but it will be peanuts in the end compared to what you could potentially use.

You could also try and get her professional help. She may be depressed. I don't know. Trust your gut buddy.

BluepillProfessor · 2020-07-22T16:08:39+00:00

MRP is primarily about sexual strategy for married men in a world increasingly dominated by feminism. There is /r/redpillparenting on the sidebar that may be better suited.

Your question is how do I push a rope and the answer is I am not sure that you can. How can you make your wife interested in sex? We have that covered. Dread game and taking away your neediness activates her triggers. Like I always say, if she can't control and manipulate you by denying sex then she will try to do so by sex bombing.

How can I deal with my wife's negative and obnoxious behaviors? We also have that covered. There is a growing and already large body of literature on Shit Tests.

How can I deal with a wife who doesn't care about her own kid?

I don't know that you can.

Just FYI, if you want to get divorced, then the wife will almost certainly get full custody unless you have video of her beating the child- and even then there is a 50% plus chance that she will still get custody and you will get a restraining order from even seeing your child. I know that doesn't help but it does illustrate your options.

Best case, stay in the marriage until your daughter is old enough to decide who she wants to live with.

She knows I can't just leave and mess up my daughter's life.

And...there's the rub. She knows you are trapped and expects that you are powerless to do anything about her abusive behavior. She may be right. Or you may be able to wrest some power from her, but honestly? In this political climate? I doubt it. Very sorry.

RedSweet88 · 2020-08-09T06:11:15+00:00

Do u think she maybe depressed?

simpleguy237 · 2020-07-22T16:37:37+00:00

It's just that she doesn't want to be a parent.

She has you by the balls & she knows it.

Before we got married, she used to talk about how she would be the responsible parent and I the fun one.

The old bait & switch.

So how can I get some leverage over her? How can I make her want to be a good mother or else she'll lose something?

Listen faggot, you have to value yourself as the prize. I mean why the fuck would she follow your orders? She knows she doesn't have to do shit because you won't do shit. On her end, she the best of both worlds; a bitch made husband who does all the heavy lifting & still provides her with attention haha. You already know what you need to do, go do it.

2wo2wo3hree · 2020-07-24T15:00:19+00:00

There is some fault at making a person do something you can do yourself and being upset at that person for failing you.

“The problem is my wife doesn't want to be a mother to our daughter.”

-This is false. You mean your wife doesn’t want to be the kind of mother you want her to be.

Frame is everything, right? (Maybe) you are in her frame? (I doubt) she is in yours? (It’s very likely) you are in two different frames? I don’t know. But until you establish a frame she can be in, it’s going to be difficult for you to make her do what you want.

How is everything else outside of parenting? Is she the cook you want? Is she the private porn star you want? Is she whatever the fuck you want? Is she the companion you want? Do you even like her? It sure doesn’t read like it.

This is on you. This was honestly a bitching and complaining fit about what’s not happening. Instead of complaining... Own your shit until you’re someone worth following and then lead your wife into becoming the parent you prefer her to be.

TL;Dr - Be someone she follows. Then lead.

ghostokg · 2020-07-23T04:35:52+00:00

I'll give my advice man, since I have a somewhat similar situation as yours, and I have some thoughts that might help you understand but definitely not fix the situation. There is no fix, not in the way you want, you can't change her or your personality, but maybe if you see things from another angle, it'll help you accepting this, and moving forward acknowledging what you have to compromise if you are set against divorce. My opinion is not going to be a traditional red pill strategy btw. Google the big 5 personality traits, my understanding is that through studies of identical twins raised apart, the science says almost 50% of our personalities are heritable. I'd argue even more, the reason I bring this up is I want you to consider that personality is genetic and unchangable.

We all have a genetic leanings to be who we are, so with your wife and with your kid, you waste your time wishing and trying to make them anything else. One of the traits of the big 5 is called disagreeablebess, understanding this trait is key to understanding why you are butting heads with your wife. I'm guessing she is higher in disagreeablebess and you might also be too. Prior to kids, perhaps you hid this from her, because she chose to have kids with you probably because you signaled that you would do more than her. Disagreeable people only are happy around people that are less disagreeableble than them, precisely because a disagreeableble person needs to feel like they are getting the better end of the deal in any interaction. Think 75% their way VS 25% your way. So you are going to have to accept that you entered into a contract of raising a child with this type or person, this is why you will feel taken advantage of dealing with her. My wife is the same way. Now, something in you must have changed with having a kid, because prior to kids your wife's personality wasn't a deal breaker. You didn't change who you are by having a kid, the environment is the only change, and you most likely finally realized who you really were all along, and my guess is that you too run higher in disagreeablebess after all which makes you a not ideal partner for your lady. She would do better with the pushover she thought she was getting.

Me too man, I am the same as you, having a kid made me realize who I actually was all along. I am a disagreeable dude that was fine being with a not naturally submissive or agreeable woman because she's hot and we have lots of sex. But having a kid, traditional roles are important for the male to be invested, ideally you should lead and her follow for your male self esteem to thrive, your nervous system will constantly send you error messages otherwise. That is what the stone age hardware demanded, but we are a long way from the stone age so this traditional roles situation doesn't always need to be ideal to work. For example,

if you lived in a tribal society you would spend all your time hunting, so there would literally be no overlap of the female child rearing you and I are deep in as modern males and there are virtually no real life threats to our survival like the stone age family would have faced. So that signal in your brain, is a remnant of a time long ago, when a stone age man with a 2 year old also realized, that his wife wasn't the best mother-and she also didn't follow his lead as the alpha protector of the family unit, not following his lead would have put all their lives in danger back then, not being the best mother could have cost the child's life too.. These are all life and deaths observations in our stone age brains that don't have life or death consequences today so the error message isn't exactly pressing as it use to be.

So if you are higher in disagreeablebess too you have to accept that you are seeing the world through a skewed lense that will only frustrate you dealing with your wife. You are wanting 75% of the situation your way (good parenting as defined by you) VS 25% her way. You are going to have to let a lot if this go if you want to be happily married. Sure she's arguably lazier than you from your disagreeable point of view, maybe, maybe she is just who she is and doing the best she can given her genetic personality (given to her by her own mother/father). She sounds higher in emotional instability too, that's a tough combo with disagreeablebess man, but maybe if you accept that she was born this way and can only be this way, maybe you can better police your self in your expectations and ask that she try to police herself too for greater co-parenting harmony. What I mean is you always want things your way... Police that.. you cannot have that with this partner..

Pick something things that you are willing to loose on, Robert Plomin is a much smarter guy than me. He argues that parenting style makes little difference in the child's outcome. After all the kid is already born who they are personality wise, sure you can effect the happiness level or how fun you and the kid have living together. But with all environmental factors effecting personality, once the environmental pressure is gone, your kid moves out and reverts to whoever they really are. Your kid is 2 years old, this is definitely the most annoying time when you mistakenly feel like you have to do almost everything for them. Just let some of it go man, you can't be the authority of good parenting habits, a good parent is someone who loves their kid and doesn't abuse them. Maybe your wife is not your ideal co worker for parenting but you loved her a lot and held her in high esteem before. She can't be as bad a parent as you are thinking, she just does the job not as meticulous as you. I know none of this is red pill stuff, but in your situation red pill is dudes telling you to divorce, I'm not saying become a cuck pushover, I'm just saying do the ugly work of trying to make a marriage between two different personalities work, that's a way to lead of a different kind. Change your negative opinion about her as a co worker and once she senses you aren't trying to change her, she might reach more of her potential that's all you can hope for. Also if I'm right, watch out for your kid getting more of your wife's personality than yours man.. Haha that's when things get more challenging. Anyway man, good luck.

Title	Married with Children
Author	simpleguy237
Upvotes	20
Comments	72
Date	July 22, 2020 12:37 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/hvt0mg/married_with_children/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/married-with-children.715928 https://theredarchive.com/post/715928

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