One of my biggest issues is that I find it difficult to reliably and effectively enforce boundaries with my wife on the spot because I am usually in the middle of something important - either on a virtual meeting at home when it happens or usually dealing with the kids (2.5yo and under 1yo) and in the middle of tasks like laundry, feeding the kids, changing diapers, putting them to sleep etc. Dealing with it later in the evening hours later seems weak and passive aggressive to me. Any practical suggestions?

Examples: Me - in a virtual meeting giving an important presentation. Her - opens the home office door holding our infant knocking on the wall and giving me an angry stare down and interrupting me becuase I didn’t do something menial and insignificant “properly” Sometimes she calls and texts incessantly instead.

Me - feeding infant Her - feeding toddler - “you didn’t do xyz yet, are you going to do abc also, you should feed infant like this - give her this food, not that stuff, did you heat it up properly, give her this after.

Some context: I am learning more about my wife’s upbringing, her parent’s neglect and emotional abuse that has led her to be exceptionally controlling and emotionally immature with anxiety issues. These behaviors have been magnified after the kids. She does the above examples with almost everyone and not just me - a “nothing is ever good enough unless she does it” type personality. This gets bad when something triggers her anxiety completely outside of anyones control. If things go perfectly smoothly (according to her) she won’t be anxious or controlling but that rarely happens.

I have been working on myself for months - closing in on a year in a few months. Currently the best I have ever been with my career, lifts, physique, and leadership - still have a looong way to go and no end in sight as far as improvement - still relying on some of the basic sidebar books and struggling with basic concepts like boundary enforcement. Improving frame needs to happen but the paradox is I need to enforce boundaries better to improve frame.