I was laying in bed with my SO And I forgot I had to do some work on my phone. I said out loud shit I forgot to do my work order. After I filll it out i text a buddy of mine and then lay down for bed.
My SO says you done cheatin? (inside joke we have everytime I’m out of the house etc) I say yes. Then my phone starts vibrating from the text my buddies sending. She asks who it is. I say one of my girlfriends clearly sarcastic. She flips over all pissed off. And then says youre rude. Imagine if I said that to you” I said I’d laugh. She said it’s a stupid answer. I say. Ask stupid questions get stupid answers.
She said asking who’s texting you in the middle of the night is not a stupid question. I said stop being insecure. She starts flipping out. I stfu or fogged. Too late I know. But in the moment I blank.
But I keep fucking up every step of the way. I feel like I actually am autistic. All I do is read this stuff and it’s not Stucking with me. like these new behaviors are coming off so out of character and shady I feel.
It’s causing more shit than if I just would of explained it’s just my buddy but that would be considered DEERing.
Now this morning our son wakes up at 630. He’s content for a half hour and then starts getting whiny right before I have to leave for work.
This goes on for a half an hour she’s not waking up to get him. I run back upstairs to grab my phone and leave. he must hear me and starts crying again. My wife throw her hands in the air and goes are you serious?
I say can you get him. She gets up and stomp away all pissed off my to get him. I leave for work. She calls me. Saying this and that about how I woke him up and then was rude asking her to go get him.
I say he’s been up for an hour. what’s the problem? She starts bitching and I go off. She gets to sleep in everyday God forbid she has to wake up and tend to our son before 10 o’clock for a day. It’s so absurd to me that I have to explain this shit to her. And I know I should stfu but I can’t help it sometimes. How does she not understand that our hungry son is more important than her 10 hours of beauty sleep.
I keep telling myself not to DEER but then think how is she going to understand if I don’t explain how stupid her thinking is.
I’m trying to apply what I’m reading but I feel I’m not fucking getting it. I’m all over the fucking place. I read so many things do this. Don’t do that. It’s confusing the shit out of me. Has anyone dealt with this on their journey or am I just retarded and missing the whole point?
She ended up apologizing for both instances but I still know I handled them like shit
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I'll spell this out for you: Stop dealing with your wife's shit. Full stop. You should provide comfort, safety, and stimulation for her. Everything else about you just STFU. No DEERing about your feelz to her.
In the meantime, you work on you and pay attention to being a better you for YOU. Not for her. Sure, she'll like it. Sure, she'll show attraction. That's not why you do it though. You do it for you. You work out for you. You dress nice for you. You pull a great check for you. You fuck her for you. If you do anything for her, you do it for you. Because that's what it takes for you to feel good about your part in this. If you do it because you think she'll appreciate you, or like you, or even just say 'thank you'... then no. Stop. Reprogram that shit.
Oh... she's having random feelz? Ok, see above: provide comfort, safety, and stimulation. And then, you change the channel back to 'You TV' where you deal with your shit only 24x7 and you let her deal with her shit on her own. She is your co-captain/co-pilot after all, so express your expectations to her when she's not doing her part like you described. Oh.. but then you hurt her feelz? So then you know what to do right? Provide a little comfort, make sure she is safe to do the job, and give her a little pep talk if needed. Then move on and don't expect her to like you for it.
At the end of this, you will realize that this is all about you being a better man. Being a person who she is happy with isn't the goal. Inevitably that will happen anyway unless she has other deep seeded issues (which can happen), but if you're doing this right, you will know you succeeded when you can look in the mirror and know you did it right, when you gave it your best effort, and when you know you have no regrets because you didn't hold back.
I hope this helps. This message will self-destruct in 3 days or so.
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Suck a fart out of her ass and blow it back in her face
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