Breaking a vicious cycle and getting my shit together once and for all

Unlikely_Composer · 2020-08-24T12:04:14+00:00

You dont get another life. You either use this one or you die knowing you wasted it.

Let that fear motivate you.

inkwind · 2020-08-24T11:28:15+00:00

[deleted]

empatheticapathetic · 2020-08-24T14:31:35+00:00

Lol same age same issue.

platoschild · 2020-08-24T12:43:58+00:00

Have a daily journal.

The act of literally writing out what you’ve done that day will inspire the next one. If you didn’t do anything, you’ll feel guilty and work extra hard the next day. If you did achieve something, you’ll be more motivated to do more the next day. Hope that helps.

The_King_Hudson · 2020-08-24T15:04:31+00:00

In the words of Schwarzenegger: "You lack discipline". I do the very same thing man, although I hope you're not dealing with soul-crushing OCD at the same time.

I don't know for certain, but I'd probably take a guess and say you're not acting on what you know/feel would improve your life because you fear something going forward. Whatever it is, you have to figure that shit out. It could also be that deep down, you don't believe you deserve a better life? Maybe you beat yourself up a lot? That can hinder you a lot.

You have to think about your future self. If you think things are bad for you now, how about if you continue your life path like this 5 or 10 years down the line? Don't fear getting older, fear not living your life while you've got one. Do what needs to be done, even if you can't fucking stand it.

ThatIzWhack · 2020-08-24T15:45:03+00:00

Therapy, man. Helped me get my head straight.. There's a reason why you're caught up in the same cycle at your age, maybe you should seek out a chair to help you out and figure some things out. There's no shame in it and it's probably going to be more beneficial than coming here for the broscience and being told to read the sidebar. This place can't tackle issues of mental health.

AurelianFool · 2020-08-24T21:19:54+00:00

There's been a fair bit of good advice, but I would like to add: you don't rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your habits. It's quite simple: goals don't tell you what you should do, they tell you where you want to be. You spend 90 percent of your life acting unconsciously. Most of us don't think about how to drive, we just drive. You don't think about how to walk, you just walk. That's how it is for most of your life, and if your unconscious actions that you just do out of habit are unhealthy, then you need to take action to create better systems and habits. This way, when you are at your worst there is no question "will I work out" or "will I do this hobby." You'll just fucking do it because that's what people like you do. Step 10 stop being "become a shit bag and hate myself," and it becomes " Get lazy, and stop developing new habits. Luckily, I've already changed my identity so that when I stop being a lazy piece of shit, I don't need to reinvent the wheel, I just start moving forward again."

I used to be the most digusting mother fucker there is. I didn't clean my room. I let myself grow a unibrow. I didn't clean my fucking toilet or my shower. I had dandruff all the time. Then, I was at an inspection and my LPO gave me a dressing down in front of 10 other sailors about how I need to do better about my hygiene - "this is basic shit, Fool, why aren't you doing it?" I was fucking humiliated, so I changed my habits and my identity. I stopped being somebody that has to worry about a unibrow, I became somebody that takes care of their eyebrows. There was no question of "will I shave" but rather "when will I shave." It became a habit, a part of my system. My identity changed.

Two years later, I realized "wow, my bathroom is fucking filthy." Then I thought," I wish I was a cleanlier person. Fuck it, what would a cleanly person do right now?" Then I started fucking cleaning. Now, when I'm waiting for the microwave to finish, I tidy up, because that's what a cleanly person does. When I get back from my walk before I go to bed, I clean the toilet or wipe down the sink, because that's what a cleanly fucking person does. There is no," I'll do it later." There is no," should I clean today?" The fucking answer is yes. It's always yes, because now it's a habit - I don't have a choice. I'm a goddamn cleanly person, and cleanly people don't have dirty bathrooms.

In conclusion, clean your fucking bathroom.

No but for real: none of this is my idea. These are ideas that I took from James Clear. He has a book and a blog where he sort of lays out how to fix your habits and why goal setting is dogshit if you don't know how to build a habit. It gets pretty Pavlovian, and that's probably why I love it. If you don't want to buy the dude's book, just check out the blog, but I personally like to have a set roadmap like the book lays out.

UnsuppressedAnger · 2020-08-24T13:56:04+00:00

You basically act when you hit rock bottom. It’s the only time you feel the urge to do something. Your mind knows it and pushes you to self destruction because it’s the only way to get a reaction out of you. The solution is not obvious here but it has to entail you doing a very deep soul searching. You need to REALLY realize why acting NOW is a necessity. Realize why just survival isn’t enough for you, why you need more.

RealisticBuddhist · 2020-08-24T16:02:33+00:00

I can realate to OP.

inkwind · 2020-08-24T15:35:20+00:00

You don't have to get into the 7 to begin improving it. You have now realized that the entire cycle is the 7.

Write down your toughest solveable problem, and start hacking at them(skills required for work, physique whatever. Physique is NOT NEGOTIABLE) Make a journal of accountability. Simply write down what things you did in the day that you don't consider a waste of time. Then strictly use this as a measure of progress. Well utilized life is a satisfying life. Seneca on the shortness of life translation

For physique, I always recommend Shaun-T's insanity. It's a tough, well defined hiit program that lasts 2 months, and toughens up your mentality if you've earlier been a lazy ass. All you gotta do is brainlessly keep up with the video (pm me. I'll share download link if you don't find it).

I don't understand why I just wont do it; why wont I take a step each day to make my life better? I don't get why I prefer to stay in bed and make my self miserable now and later down the line.

Answer is simple. The brain is a good servant but a terrible master. You don't have well defined goals to hit in the morning. The reason to get up can be as simple as making sure a task get completed today. This is why you buy a tiny protable notebook(palm sized), write your goals on the last page, and then go for it and write in it whatever you did or plan to do on a daily basis. Failing to plan is planning to fail. You don't need motivation if goals and tasks are clear.

I went from a mid 20s failing fatass to a proper educated guy with a masters using this plan (Started with a realization after years of depression. It took a time and some relapses. But it happened). Also worked for 2 of my now close friends. Trust me, it works.

You need to write down goals and divide them into daily tasks and literally become their SLAVE for 5-6 weeks till you develop self discipline. No other way out of this. Smack yourself into improvement.

You won't break this once and for all. But you'll learn to watch yourself and keep yourself on track. Like an adult watching over a kid.

DetroitGangster · 2020-08-24T20:01:00+00:00

This post hits home for me. These are the exact steps I am going through now.

sweeet3 · 2020-08-24T12:04:10+00:00

Be more proud of your past achievements. Your life probably isn’t as much of a joke as you think it is. Don’t set your goals too high.

Get the audiobook for The Compound Effect by Darren Hardy, that shit is what you need right now.

letmereadthatshit · 2020-08-24T16:45:02+00:00

Do semen retention. Was at a low too didn't know what to do lazy all day didn't have the will to get out of bed. Now I'm on 2 months of semen retention. I wake up at 8 workout ,start my job at 11 work till 15. 3 hours of rest ,use this time to work on my side hustle go back to work at 18 , work till 23 , go home 1 hour of entertainment.sleep repeat. Now I have my goal set and I know where I'm going and till I get there I'm not gonna fuck no plates and not gonna gap or watch porn nothing I'm not releasing till I hit my goal. Even if it takes 5 years. People make fun of semen retention but it's changing my life. Getting stronger at the gym. When I wake up I can't stay in bed I have to leave it no matter what. A lot more focused on my goals. A lot more energy socially. I love it. Try it. I promise it will change your life

VisiblePlan · 2020-08-24T19:11:56+00:00

Read Bronze Age Mindset and Book of Pook to fix gross life of bugman.

AJ_KG_JG · 2020-08-24T19:18:06+00:00

Get good sleep. Around 7-9 hrs is optimal. Having a good night's rest will power you through the rest of the day. It's foundational.
Get your life organized so you can create/see/track what you want to accomplish. The control you obtain will benefit you both emotionally/psychologically (you will feel better about things and embrace challenges instead of avoiding them) and practically (having things laid-out and scheduled allows you to take effective action). These benefits will propel you forward.

I've seen in my own life the huge improvements these factors have made. I highly recommend David Allen's "Getting Things Done" for a rock-solid system of life organization.

ExBetaBitch · 2020-08-24T22:50:41+00:00

Take small steps everyday. Don’t expect to see results tomorrow. Make small strides each day. Set smaller more attainable goals in the beginning to motivate yourself. If you set unattainable goals right from the start like I’ve done in the past you’re doomed to fail before you even start.

bachbozo · 2020-08-25T09:49:24+00:00

you've rationalized what is holding you back and seem to grasp how to conquer it

but thing is, 95% of your serotonin is in the small intestine. That's right, 95% of your happiness right there in the belly. It wasn't until I started doing strict organic keto that I was finally able to harness my mind. You can have the purest optimism and most profound outlook on life; but you're still gonna be a depressed sack of shit if you are addicted to sugar/grains/lectins. No way around it.

But for immediate relief, the buteyko breathing method and psilocybin will warp your perception in a matter of minutes.

Best

boy_named_su · 2020-08-24T14:06:45+00:00

Start with your diet

Start eating at home (even if you're just heating up a can of chili). Then start cooking at home. Then start cooking healthy at home (especially gut-friendly food). Read Chris Kresser

Intermittent fasting made me sleep so much better and feel better in the morning. I was getting up at 10 AM, now I can get up at 6 AM naturally and run 10k

Modifeed5959 · 2020-08-24T13:30:59+00:00

Might also be your following what works for everyone else but not adjusting it to suit you long term. Trial and error is a part of life and not something to languish on or use to compare yourself to someone else. Appreciate the things you have done and pay attention to the details when things are starting to shift in either direction.

y0ussefhesham · 2020-08-24T14:35:27+00:00

17 and I've been going through this cycle for quite a while. I hope you find the advice you need because I know exactly how it feels.

WickedMo13 · 2020-08-24T12:01:54+00:00

Your not using the two words

Fuck it!

Let the Fear set you free

ManthanDhabriya · 2020-08-24T15:44:41+00:00

I am going through something exactly like this. Took antidepressants for a month or two but I have apprehensions of developing dependencies so I stopped. I just am physically incapable of acting in my self interest.

Rimefang · 2020-08-24T17:30:55+00:00

Rage. I had nothing, so I had nothing to lose. I just got up and moved. It didn't matterwhere so long as I moved. Complacency is the enemy of progress. Eventually, I picked things up. Discipline, frame, habits. My best friend now calls me the most disciplined motherfucker he knows.

You gotta find that fire in you and stoke the flames every day. No one is gonna make you do it but you.

W_O_M_B_A_T · 2020-08-24T18:40:03+00:00

It sounds like what you're talking about is Major Depression Disorder.

You have Depression and your life choices clearly reflect a desire to try to rationalize, explain and confirm those feelings. At least in part.

Please talk to a mental health professional. Talk to a psychiatrist and a mental health counselor.

Depression is one of the most treatable mental health problems. Untreated, it is also probably the most deadly.

Note that Depression is a normal physiological response to things like illness, serious injury, grief/loss, or living a highly stressful, risky environment. The purpose of this response is to keep you from taking unnecessary risks and wasting unnecessary energy, to avoid injuring or overexerting yourself.

But for some people the depression response is triggered even in the absence of any clear external cause. This is Depression Disorder.

Because of it's complexity and sophistication mental and physical effects, the depression response is still not well understood. One theory is that it may be an immune system response to some of the profoundly complex biochemistry going on between microbes in your intestines. That is, your body wrongly believes that you're sick and injured based on chemical signals from the intestines and colon, even though that's not actually the case.

So, your entire post is really a Story or Narrative that you've develop to attempt explain why you're depressed.

If I'm right, then that's a mistake. Like a religion, it's not real.

Because by definition depression disorder has no explanation. It's irrational and inexplicable by definition. There is no story or narrative that makes it meaningful. It's not about your life, your self-worth, supposed willpower, your choices,your successes or failures. All irrelevant.

The devil of depression is that long term it causes fear of vulnerability, a loss of motivation and initiative. This results in a failure to get one's personal physical and emotional needs met. It causes people to develop victimhood beliefs It causes your social and work situation to degrade. Thus what you feel internally, eventually becomes a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy. You believe you live in a scarce, hostile environment where there are no opportunities to get what you need emotionally, and you're powerless to escape. And slowly this comes to pass through inaction.

For example, depressed people will often, not quite consciously, ostracize themselves from family, friends, lovers, etc, because this feels like a vulnerability. Then when they truly need some support, those people aren't around.

barelyalive7777 · 2020-08-24T18:47:19+00:00

Travel to a country where standard of living is cheaper then your country see how they live

eucalyptusleaves · 2020-08-24T19:08:17+00:00

Man, what you're describing sounds exactly like what I went through these past four years. You want to know what helped me snap out of it?

Wanting something is a child's fantasy. Every boy wants to be rich, famous, jacked, and surrounded by models. But you know why 99% of them never achieve their goals? Because it takes blood, sweat, and tears to take what you want out of life, and only a real man can do that. Any child or boy can imagine a great life for themselves, that's the easy part. You're supposed to know that this shit is fucking hard, and that should motivate you to get your ass off the ground, take charge of your life, and be a man.

Don't waste this life. Only uncommon men achieve greatness, and you sound like every other little boy out there. Take control of YOUR life.

AltruisticBeautiful7 · 2020-08-24T20:52:21+00:00

I ll answer the paragraph: cause even tho you say your life is a joke, it's safe and comfortable enough for you to live in it, so u can complain and stay safe.

I remember zan perrion once said something like "we wish that girl likes us, but do we? What if she discovers i have nothing happening in my life? And what if she likes me even then, so now i have to stop playing world of warcraft to spend time with her and work on myself so she don't leave me? Nah i reather stay in my comfortable blank of mediocracy and keep wishing"

You r probably going to a point, then when its a take or leave situation, u leave cause u know it was not that bad. You r were well feed and warm, don't know how much longer will take to reach goals without a single clap to u and life it just once and all that bs, might be better to go back to that blanket. There u go.

Andrew54321 · 2020-08-24T21:00:04+00:00

There was a dog that would whine all the fucking time. I asked what the fuck is wrong with this dog its whining all the time. The answer was that the dog was lying on a nail but it didn’t hurt enough to move.

Sounds like you need #7 because you’re more interested in avoiding pain than you are in pursuing pleasure.

-Bran- · 2020-08-24T23:08:04+00:00

Find the closest BJJ gym and go tomorrow. Thank me later.

circlingdispair · 2020-08-25T00:49:22+00:00

I feel like you have to hit rock bottom to make any significant change in life. Willpower is only a temporary resource, it has to come from a change deep in your soul.

Honestly though if you dont have the motivation to get out of bed I would talk to a doctor and get full bloodwork done. You might be deficient in something that is unmotivating you (eg. brain fog or fatigue) You know what you have to do and obviously you want to do it if you keep thinking about it. Just starting is what is holding you back.

I am currently having a lot of issues with sleep and sleep quality. I am trying lots of things to get through it but on some days I certainly just feel like going to bed all day or even just watching junk on TV since I dont feel like I have the energy to focus on anything.

LeatherBoundWisdom · 2020-08-25T00:50:08+00:00

You're not alone in that cycle.

The big problem is always that, in the wake of a recent success, we lack the emotional motivation of step 7 (realizing our own disaster of an existence) to stay or get back on track. If we wait till we get back to step 7, we've often destroyed a majority of the progress we made in the last cycle, and so we never grow.

A solution that has worked for me is extremely gradual improvement. If you're a depraved fuck who eats 2 pints of icecream and watches tv after work every day, we say tomorrow you will only eat 1.75 pints of icecream, throw the extra fourth away, and replace it with a cucumber. Every day you will continue to fester in your own misbehavior, every day you will continue to feel that self hatred. But then, when the clock strikes the designated time, with a refreshing taste of terrible you will eat your cucumber. It won't be difficult, but it won't be nothing either. Forcing yourself to do this simple and feasible task will penetrate the malaise of eternal depression with a ray of hope. Every day you will come to look forward to your cucumber, the symbol of salvation.

When that is easy, we eat only 1.5 pints of icecream and then 2 cucumbers, and so on. You do this with any variable in your life you wish to improve, with the difficulty of the improvement about equal to that of eating a cucumber. Eventually you're at a good place, and these simple behaviors serve as a physical affirmation of your dedication to solving this shit show of a mystery that is life. Why this works is it doesn't require an extreme motivation like the unwavering fury of a rock bottom. There isn't this mountain your body needs to climb to not be miserable during this time. As we refine our lifestyle through diet, exercise, and meaningful work, we can access our innate desire to succeed, uninhibited by addictions to food or simple pleasures, and we are able to do much more positive change.

As far as avoiding the initial decline from grace, I still struggle with this. The progress I make here is not creating a sustainable success that keeps on chugging along, I have yet to crack that egg. Instead, I can skip steps 3-8 and jump straight from 2 to 9.

I hope that was useful. If anything this comment is a good documentation for myself on this system.

spartanblood1 · 2020-08-25T01:19:43+00:00

Id rather die on my feet than live my life on my knees

urelatedissues · 2020-08-25T09:02:48+00:00

Honestly bro, i’d say join the military, or a subdivision like the marines or navy seals. During the training, youll learn discipline like youve never learnt it before. But it has to be your decision. We cant change for you or motivate you we can only say and do so much.

spcparks · 2020-08-24T18:53:37+00:00

Meet a girl and fall for her and let her break your heart into one trillion pieces. That will make you change for sure

e-gorman · 2020-08-25T02:10:30+00:00

It's been my experience that people who say "this time, I'm gonna get my this together!" don't actually get their shit together, revert to the mean, and simply want the dopamine hit from all the "good for you!" posts.

Take that weak sauce to TwoXChromosomes OP. You're either gonna get it done or not.

Title	Breaking a vicious cycle and getting my shit together once and for all
Author	circlingdispair
Upvotes	153
Comments	90
Date	August 24, 2020 11:19 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/ifn2u8/breaking_a_vicious_cycle_and_getting_my_shit/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/breaking-a-vicious-cycle-and-getting-my-shit.171976 https://theredarchive.com/post/171976

Comments