How can I maintain frame when I’m too sentimental.

doobsishere · 2021-03-26T07:08:57+00:00

You already know how brother. First look at your feelings (becoming shy, bothered, insecure). Now just keep asking yourself WHY you might be having these reactions. “I felt nervous” - why? “Because I felt like she was judging me” -why does that make me nervous? “Because she’ll see that I’m beneath her” - why does that make me nervous? “Because........” You should go about 4-7 levels of “why’s” per situation until you begin to understand your patterns. Do the same for when you feel confident. If you want specifics as to how to improve your mental game, that are outside of the cookie cutter solutions here. This is how you start.

GetChillGetThrills · 2021-03-26T10:29:48+00:00

Its literally about being offended so much that nothing offends you. Feel so awkward that nothing makes you feel awkward. Feel so insecure that eventually nothing will make you feel insecure.

Go out into the world, get hurt, get rejected, get strange looks. You get tougher by putting yourself through stress.

LandscapeClear1630 · 2021-03-26T07:10:49+00:00

Try getting more experience in those situations (exposure) and with socializing in general.

Be okay making mistakes and know you'll be okay no matter what. That will make your emotional responses less intense.

Don_Draper27 · 2021-03-26T11:18:50+00:00

Remember the story of the 3 little piggies? A well built house is harder to destroy and easier to maintain.

Develop your frame. Fortunately, once you have a solid frame, you will get shit tested and picked on less. Frame = power, and you don't fuck with people with power.

11-Eleven-11 · 2021-03-26T07:09:20+00:00

Its hard to say without any stats or anything. I was the same way when I was 13, it got a little better when I was 18 and its a whole lot better at 23. The only thing that has changed is I have continually got more and more confidence. So its really meta advice but you have to be more confident and to do that you need to lift and get money and get out of your comfort zone more. I think for this kind of thing it was more getting out of my comfort zone than anything.

BusterVadge · 2021-03-26T11:45:25+00:00

In order to get acclimated to something you have to expose yourself to it. Try taking a cold shower as an example. It shocks the fuck out of most people but I have no problems getting in ice cold water every morning. I wasn't like this at first, it took work and discipline.

Mental toughness is the same way. Check out "Can't hurt me" by David Goggins. I think it'll help you.

kclanton80 · 2021-03-26T13:00:32+00:00

How old are you? Much of this will naturally go away with age, and experience. Recognizing that there are things you want to change is the first step to changing them. Try and step out of your comfort zone, this will help to build your confidence.

I was very much the same as you, but now I don't really care what anyone thinks of me. If you have a friend group....GET AWAY FROM THEM. When you meet new people you can start on fresh footing and be whoever you want to be.

Remind yourself that you don't have to be perfect. It's OK to fail, look stupid in front of others, and for people not to like you. Doing this can help you become your more authentic self.

Your "friends" often want you to stay in your place and will discourage any advancement, growth, or change.Family also often has the same negative effect. Leaving old friends is one of the greatest things you can do in life to become a new person. Imo

Find a goal in life and chase it down. Progress towards a worthwhile goal is a great confidence builder.

Best of luck to you. You will be just fine.

StunningCharisma · 2021-03-26T07:53:38+00:00

There's no secret trick to this really it's all about experience, i was like you lol just increase your wit and watch more comedy. Stick to people who are witty

OatmealApocalypse · 2021-03-26T13:46:27+00:00

Remember that you do not have to respond immediately. If somebody busts your balls, smile and take a breath and let them sweat it out for a second while you process your feelings rationally.

Then agree and amplify baby, or whatever else seems fit

Source: I am a sensitive fuck, but you can make that an advantage since you likely have higher attunement to what other people are feeling

RedEyeBlackEye1 · 2021-03-26T14:14:47+00:00

picture this OP:

It's sunny, bright outside, gawd dammit it's 95°. That sun is beaming, the traffic is flowing, birds chirping, and the neighborhood is very busy. She anxiously ducks into a gas station. Her face grimacing, as she looks around. Everything is so filthy, but fuck it. Barely able to make it, she frantically unfastens her tight ass jeans as she squats down, narrowly hovering over the stained toilet seat. "Uh...errrr...ughhh" she groans outs as she let's loose Brown Hell Fury on that toilet bowl.

The air is ripe with the smell of fish market, sardines, and discarded, 2 week old, half-eaten chili burger. She let's out a sigh of relief as her face transitions into a satisfying smile. She pulls up her jeans and exits...

...without wiping her ass or washing her hands.

Basically, she takes stinky shits like every other female, so take her off the pedestal. Treat her like you'd like to chill with her, but you couldn't care less if she's interested or not. After all, there's plenty of fish in the sea, OP.

Good luck homie.

PhilistineAu · 2021-03-26T11:42:51+00:00

It’s self confidence. Keep moving forward on your life goals and things will get easier. Be careful when you get that bit older if you have some coin. The ladies will be there to help you spend it.

Once you see them as someone you need to protect yourself from, the allure falls away.

Also, evaluate them separate from their beauty. Beauty fades fast. Do they make smart decisions? Do they have their stuff together? Just asking those questions changes the dynamic from “I’m so lucky she is talking to me” to “I’ve got my own thing going on and open to sharing that journey with the right girl”.

Yeahrightyeahright2 · 2021-03-26T13:52:54+00:00

That's something I struggle with. I suggest meditation and mindfulness. Tried these and had moderate success. When you're upset take deep breaths and observe your inner dialogue, your negative emotions and the situation at hand. Don't try to suppress the anger or sadness. Let it flow through your body until it evaporates and do not react. Think carefully of the words you're gonna utter and speak with a neutral tone.

Focus on improving your frame for a couple weeks. It should be your focus in life. I personally can only learn something when I have intent towards what I'M trying to learn. It has to be my main goal in life and it has to be done long enough for it to become muscle memory. Ask yourself why you react that way, write down the reasons and come up with ways to fix the problem.

DecearingEgg23 · 2021-03-26T14:36:50+00:00

As someone who used to be in this rabbit hole, this is the advice I can offer to get over this hump:

The more experience you have, the more you can see that it doesn’t matter what others say. Just keep the mentality that you don’t GAF, and it will soon be your key mentality.

Another thing: it takes time. Frustration will occur, but giving up is the last thing you want to do

TuhTodayJr · 2021-03-26T16:27:27+00:00

You need to meditate

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themostgianthorse · 2021-03-26T14:10:55+00:00

Some good comments in here. I would add-

Look into toastmasters. Your “vibe changes” because you are on at least a subconscious level your worried about what girl thinks. The solution is exposure therapy. At toastmasters, you will stand in front of everyone and speak about a topic and receive a critique. This takes some balls.

Watch this short video about getting caught up in your thoughts and then download the app. https://youtu.be/iN6g2mr0p3Q

CrystalQuartzen · 2021-03-26T14:58:38+00:00

You’re talking about two different things: being overly sensitive might be detrimental in the long run, but being sentimental is fine and even a good thing!

Based on the example you gave, however, it doesn’t seem like either of those things is your problem. It sounds like you have low confidence, and that’s something you improve by 1) faking it till you make it and 2) setting and achieving goals for yourself so you discover your true capabilities over time and become confident in your abilities.

tetrachromancy · 2021-03-26T15:32:52+00:00

You're reacting too much to the environment and other people. You should work on meditating and building a healthy non-attachment to the events and circumstances around you.

If she stays or she leaves, your toes are still tappin'

OkPresence1111 · 2021-03-26T15:53:00+00:00

I had the same problem. What helped me was starting to take risks. You have to be the alpha you can be! Forget about the other; what matters is you. Fuck the others. Fuck what they say, ad fuck using your energy to come up with a clever comeback. In the end, they don't care, and so you.

Don't be arrogant; simply do not care. Women like this (also if they say they like something else)

Also, I suggest you read The Rational Male of Rollo Tommasi.

Ask_For_Cock_Pics · 2021-03-26T16:26:48+00:00

Let the truth of female nature sink in and marinate into your bones until there's nothing left of you but sneers and contempt

2021-03-26T17:38:41+00:00

You have to harden yourself. This became very easy for me after I went through infantry training in the military where people are constantly screaming at you and telling you to kill yourself. After you go through something like that shit tests from girls become nothing.

I think the main reason so many men fail shit tests is because they're life is soft. If they went through true hardships they wouldn't take women seriously.

Zero-Milk · 2021-03-26T17:40:30+00:00

I can't really tell you what to do, but I can tell you what changed everything for me. I come from a similarly sensitive foundation.

I've always had a pretty decent sense of humor, but I never really thought about using it as my own defense mechanism until was in my late 20's. Before I had ever heard the words "agree and amplify," I was testing a theory that absurdity negates seriousness. What I mean by that is, I thought that by finding a way to introduce humor and levity into an otherwise uncomfortable situation, I would then be able to control the energy of the conversation and keep it within a realm I'm much more familiar with. As it turned out, after a little practice allowing myself to laugh at myself, I found that it became a lot easier to talk shit with people.

As a sensitive guy, it's hard not to immediately want to default to defending yourself, and that's precisely the instinct which you must kill. Everything is an opportunity to have a laugh - even your own shortcomings. Even if something someone says about you is completely false, find a way to agree with it and amplify it to absurdity. Have fun with it in that moment, and you'll have a chance to set the record straight later, on your own terms and within the bounds of a conversation you control.

Whatever you do, find a way to lighten up, man. Life is fuckin awesome so keep that smile up and let yourself laugh as often as you can

i-am-the-prize · 2021-03-26T17:56:10+00:00

plenty of answers on your feelings <-- -> losing frame.

a different viewpoint.... your feelings are composed of a few things, some of which are your self admitted sensitivity and really your reactivity; but only the latter matters for Frame control.

so work on the latter first. do. not. react. how?

Frame isn't about being cold or lacking feeling. It's about an utter steadfastness and assuredness in your viewpoint and your strength in pressing that viewpoint, day in and day out.

So you need to get there, where you're sure of yourself and your decision(s). You can earn it (confidence through competence) or by throwing a switch (OI/NGAF).

You also actually have to have a viewpoint. Meaning, if you have 'no plan' and no expectation, you have no Frame (to live by or defend) meaning: you're hanging out with a chick. She pushes for commitment... hmm, maybe we're not ready you think. Dude, you need to know before this convo what you think about LTRs at this stage of your life, and also specifically about her. "I'm a go with the flow kinda guy" ask why? because you lack initiative? fear failure? lazy?

So have views about factors/things in your sphere of experience, or you have no right to complain about Frame loss, then think critically of this viewpoint and when you're decided, push it to be your outcome.

One of the first 'things' you should establish and believe in your core is: "I am valuable" "I am worth fighting for" no newage BS, you need to truly believe that - because without that as your anchor, you won't stand up for yourself as the 'things' and conflicts get more complex and challenging.

BlindMaestro · 2021-03-26T19:44:17+00:00

When someone insults me, I try to come up with a clever comeback.

This shouldn't be your reflex.

redhawkes · 2021-03-26T19:45:38+00:00

Exposure therapy aka put yourself out there. Lift to failure, that's how you numb your sympathetic nervous system (fight/flight). Be mindful and aware, that's how you catch the pattern thoughts.

It's obvious you have not read a shit from the sidebar and top 500 posts, you want the shortcuts.

Greaterbird · 2021-03-26T21:42:33+00:00

That's exactly what she's testing for - to vet against the sort of person... you actually currently are. To pass the test, you'll need to self improve to be the sort of person who passes the test.

Title	How can I maintain frame when I’m too sentimental.
Author	IncognitoTap
Upvotes	88
Comments	38
Date	March 26, 2021 5:06 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/mdh8yg/how-can-i-maintain-frame-when-im-too-sentimental/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/how-can-i-maintain-frame-when-im-too-sentimental.1598328 https://theredarchive.com/post/1598328

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