A psychological tip for dealing with oneitis.

MetalPUA · 2015-02-03T03:17:51+00:00

Oneitis is an insidious disease. It sneaks up on you gradually: you meet a girl that you think is cute, you learn more about her and discover traits that you admire, you start thinking about her a lot even when she's not around, and before you know it you're thinking things like "there's something special about her" or "she's the one." Most guys will suffer from oneitis at least once in their life, and many guys will suffer from it multiple times. It can happen to even the most self-aware man. Oneitis is a bad thing because it's a horribly uneven and unhealthy relationship: the guy is much more invested in the woman than she is in him.

In my experience, there are four main categories of guys that suffer from Oneitis:

The Inexperienced Guy: This guy is usually pretty young and has little experience when it comes to dating and women. Because of this, he latches on to the first pretty girl to treat him nicely. She might be a girl in his biology class, or she might work at the local Starbucks. He usually doesn't know her very well, or even at all, but he still thinks about her constantly. And it's common for him to refuse to ask her out because he fears rejection.

The Friendzoned Guy: This guy attempted to date the girl, but he was too timid in his pursuit of her so she gave him the "let's just be friends" talk. Now he follows her around like a lost puppy, providing her with emotional validation and patiently awaiting the day when she realizes what a great guy he is and enters a romantic relationship with her.

The Dumped Guy: This guy's girlfriend broke up with him, and he's still hopelessly hung up on her. He may spend weeks or even months wallowing in self-pity and hoping that his ex will see the error of her ways and take him back. Basically, he's Mike from the movie Swingers or Peter from Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

The Pussywhipped Guy: Unlike the other guys with oneitis, this guy is actually in a relationship with the woman he's got oneitis for. However, he's so terrified of losing her that it's created a horrible imbalance of power in the relationship. This guy avoids all conflict with his woman, ignoring his own needs while catering to hers. He will lose touch with his friends, give up his hobbies, and basically devotes his entire life to keeping his woman happy (even if this means he himself is miserable). This is perhaps the saddest type of oneitis, because the guy who is suffering from it is convinced that he's happy with the way things are, despite the fact that his face and body language show that he's lost all of his zest for life.

The best cure for oneitis is avoid falling into it in the first place. This means dating multiple women simultaneously and always approaching new ones. Or, if you find a woman that you want to enter a committed relationship with, make sure that you have hobbies, interests, and friends that are separate from her. To paraphrase a line from Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother: do not allow the approval of one woman to define who you are.

And remember: it doesn't matter how hot she is, and it doesn't matter how great her personality is. There are a million other girls out there who are just as good or better than her.

edwardhwhite · 2015-02-03T03:57:12+00:00

this is all very good. You're basically doing a mindfulness technique. Eventually you might try not even substituting a thought for it, but just noting to yourself that you were doing it, and then letting it go. Repeating that over and over helps.

TBomberman · 2015-02-03T05:22:26+00:00

You can try the nicotine patch method.

pleasedcanoe · 2015-02-03T05:45:02+00:00

I have a hard case of oneitus and it's ruining any healthy outlook I have on women. I know i'm going to sounds horrible now specially given that we're here to improve ourselves but I'm not experienced and pretty shy and I haven't done much aside from going to the gym to change myself. Im in university so the first time I met her (10/10) she hit on me and I had no idea how to react because I had never had anyone find me attractive. I thought she was trying to fuck with me so I wrote it off and was friendly. Basically I friend zoned her without realizing and only just realized she was attracted to me because i'm her type. The worst part is she's incredibly attractive and gets attention from every guy so basically I feel stupid for not jumping on the chance to ask her out when she basically served herself to me on a plate. She's also moved on and is looking around for other guys while I can no longer find any other women attractive. To sum this up, the girl of my dreams came to me when I didn't have the tools to do anything about it and now I can't get over the opportunity that I missed.

CapControl · 2015-02-03T06:44:12+00:00

Does onitis also happen to women. Or is it a male only thing?

glitch0 · 2015-02-03T06:32:17+00:00

Go out and fuck a lot of girls. There's nothing better than volume and variety to learn that the girl you just fucked is not that special, she was just a lay, maybe a fuck buddy if you liked it enough, you don't need to fall in love with her. Scarcity is likely the biggest cause of oneitis.

nailsun · 2015-02-03T05:25:05+00:00

Advice

ymiapheramone · 2015-02-03T08:50:19+00:00

There are a couple of points that I think you are missing. Firstly that your brain will only go back into the pattern if that is your pattern to begin with. Not all feelings of affection are a sign of oneitis, so don't try too hard to curb it. Feeling attraction is normal for you as well.

The problem with oneitis sources more from a lack of touch from reality. As in, you make her more than she really is and set her against standard she can't really keep up with. It also happens when guys don't trust enough in themselves to keep her interested.

I think the best way to break the loop if you have it is to say yourself that she's only human and has just as many flaws as you do.

bcl0328 · 2015-02-03T15:13:18+00:00

the way i got over it was joining dating sites and talking to other women. it started to put her into perspective and now i'm over her. doesn't mean i wouldn't like to date her, i just don't have those strong projective feelings anymore. she also doesn't seem that special anymore, just another starbucks drinking white girl.

use_another_name · 2015-02-03T15:19:47+00:00

thanks i just realised, i have to dump someone out of my mind.

Bigphd · 2015-02-03T17:30:58+00:00

Wow, This is a great post to reinforce my awesomeness.. Thank you man :)

johnnymaddick · 2015-02-04T06:30:44+00:00

This is called ANALPEE

Llleblanc1986 · 2015-02-05T05:34:33+00:00

Or just talk to more women

Alb3rt01 · 2015-05-10T07:50:58+00:00

For Anyone interested, This tip is from the book Power of Habit. Really good book, Had some fascinating points and talks alot of getting rid of bad habits.

Title	A psychological tip for dealing with oneitis.
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	244
Comments	64
Date	February 3, 2015 1:44 AM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/2ul57r/a_psychological_tip_for_dealing_with_oneitis/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/a-psychological-tip-for-dealing-with-oneitis.1383346 https://theredarchive.com/post/1383346

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