Dealing With Mr Nice Guy Syndrome

WetBigSlap · 2025-08-16T22:44:38+00:00

Just read No More Mr. Nice Guy my man, people recommend that book for a reason. It’s practical and straight to the point. It also explains that in a way you’ll automatically stop being a nice guy when you start maxing out all your aspects in life that don’t necessarily have to do with dating. Which is the correct mindset to have. Women will know when you act like you’re trying not to be a “nice guy”. Whereas when you literally change aspects of your life to be the very best version of yourself, you automatically get rid of that nice guy syndrome, and no one will question it.

This is all in that book.

HappinessHero · 2025-08-17T06:46:46+00:00

It’s a big deal that you are self-aware enough to recognise there is an issue. Congratulations!! The root of the Mr. Nice Guy stuff is rooted in attachment theory. This is where you will really find the answers as to how you got here! It is likely that you are not connecting emotionally to women.

My guess is that you are not a “Nice Guy”!!!! It is more likely that you share some traits and behaviours that Nice Guys also have. The biggest differentiating factor is that Nice Guys employ covert contracts. Usually this is doing something nice in return for sex. If you don’t do this, then don’t label yourself a “Nice Guy”. It is damaging to yourself and it is more likely that you have an avoidant attachment.

Attachment theory is quite a big topic and I’ll do my best to skim over it in enough detail for you to see what’s going on. This will be in two posts because of the Reddit maximum comment limit.

PART 1 OF 2:

Without knowing you at all I'm going to take a guess that:

You have a deep yearning for intimacy, but somehow you fear it at the same time.
You are an extremely self-reliant person
You may be a workaholic (or something else that you devote a lot of time to)
You put other people's best interests above your own
You may feel deep down that you are not good enough
You may have a fear of commitment
You go to great extents to avoid conflict
You have poor boundaries
You may have people pleasing tendencies
There's a deep sense of sexual shame
You may be a perfectionist and a procrastinator
You may find yourself pushing others away If any of the above list rings true for you, then you likely have an avoidant attachment. The answers you seek are much deeper and you'll find most of them through attachment theory. All of the above list root back to the fear of abandonment and this would have happened in childhood, most likely before you were 4 years old. All of the above would have been subconscious and embedded in your autonomic nervous system and you wouldn't have realised you were doing them.

Abandonment is a hard concept to grasp for many. So... what is abandonment?? If you can imagine a child growing up in a hospital, a nurse would attend to the child, the child would get attached and when the nurse left, the child will feel abandoned. Then the next day another nurse comes and the child gets attached and again, the nurse goes home at the end of the day and the child feels abandoned again. Imagine this happening over and over again… the child learns that if they get attached, they will get abandoned, they cannot depend on the nurses and the child's autonomic nervous system starts protecting themselves against from getting attached in the first place. Hence you develop things like self-reliance, letting go of your own needs, fear of commitment, becoming a workaholic, etc... and the list goes on.

There are 4 attachment styles, there is secure, dismissive avoidant, anxious preoccupied and fearful avoidant. The last one is more complex because it is called disorganised attachment in childhood, then develops into fearful avoidance in adulthood. Fearful avoidance is when your attachment is simultaneously at both opposites of the attachment spectrum, so one is both dismissive avoidant and anxious preoccupied. I'm going to take a wild guess that you are fearful avoidant... all of the above list were typical fearful avoidant traits and behaviours (and they are also collectively referred to as abandonment traits). It is extremely rare for an avoidantly attached person to become self aware because they think this stuff somehow doesn't apply to them. In which case they continue suffering and avoiding life for the rest of their lives. That’s why I said it was a big deal earlier on!!!

Before going further… I’d also like to recap the phases of child development. Our attachment forms pre-natal up until around 4 years old. From when you are born up to the age of 7 months, you are codependent (obviously). From 7 months to around 2 years old, you start becoming counter-dependant or oppositional. The child expresses “no! This is mine!” This is where you learn a sense of self. I’m going to take a wild guess that this may not have fully developed with you… that you are still struggling with who you are? You’ve probably given so much of yourself away to others, that you don’t know who you are?

Between 2 and 4 years old, the child starts becoming emotionally independent. From 7 years old and onwards, a child develops logic and reasoning. This is how we develop and understand that father Christmas is an impossibility. The reason I’m mentioning this is that our attachment is mostly formed by the time we are 4 years old. And the first system to get developed is the emotional system. If this development is compromised, then we will have difficulty emotionally attaching to others in adulthood. You’ll typically find an avoidant is busy “doing” things/tasks/work/etc… and those who have a secure attachment will typically be busy “being”! They emotionally connect to others and they build a large network of people. And they realise they can depend on others to help them.

I’m also going to take a wild guess and that you were a quiet child? Perhaps you were very well behaved and possibly fearful of doing anything wrong?? This links back to the sense of self issue described above.

What is the root of abandonment then? It is Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN). If one has felt that something is missing, but they couldn’t put their finger on it? Then it is probably this? Emotional neglect is where you may have been able to talk to your parents about most things, except anything to do with “feelings”. The easiest way to explain emotional neglect is…. Suppose a child got bullied at school. When they come home and it’s not safe to talk about “feelings”, they will have to process their “feelings” on their own. This is emotional neglect. They may lock themselves in their room and try to process these complex feelings that they don’t know how to process. This leads on to developing self-reliance and in adulthood and will feel that they have to do everything by themselves. The subject is quite broad, but it’s very subtle with devastating effects in adulthood. If these events happen over and over again, then abandonment develops. One of the problems that make recovering from emotional neglect very hard, is that it is not about the “things that DID happen”, it’s about the “things that DIDN’T happen”. Treating something that never happened is particularly challenging!

KLeviPop · 2025-08-20T19:35:41+00:00

tbh i was peak nice guy in montana (homeschooled + religious parents = zero game). turned things around by actually practicing conversations instead of just reading advice. models by mark manson helped with mindset. found this thing called gleam (structured social practice on phone) through reddit. its daily missions push you to actually talk to people vs just thinking about it. biggest breakthrough was realizing being nice isnt the problem... being boring is. pickup basketball taught me more about natural conversation than any dating book tbh

muhtady · 2025-08-17T04:10:22+00:00

As a girl I can tell you that we get a lot of texts and many guys chasing us at a time. But we often get attracted to the guys in our circle of friends. So get more social and join sports clubs or groups engaged in certain hobbies. The pool seems small but the chances of finding a soulmate are way higher.

Dandys3107 · 2025-08-17T06:36:18+00:00

I guess the main point is about realising the core of this behaviour. Throughout your whole life, your mom, your female teachers, women in public media were imputing into you to be polite, polite, polite. And you did that, because in your logic masculine mind this is the proper way to respond to the world. But you couldn't realise that women are different, because you are not a woman. So now, as you are hopefully full-fledged independent male, you should revise all of this programming and confront it with actual real life results. And how to do that? Tap into your natural masculine wild instincts, explore and embrace the world just by your own individual judgment, stop expecting any sort of confirmation or approval from outside, especially women. If one attitude seem to work poorly for you, try a diffferent one. Even if your mom or girl of your dreams tells you that it is not the proper way. Don't get charmed by words anymore.

S-Tier_Commenter · 2025-08-17T06:40:59+00:00

I just wanna share how I figured to flip the script lately.

When you feel that anxiety when the convo dies down, that you might bore her and start thinking what to say next to keep her entertained ... instead think: she is boring me.

HistorianOk2573 · 2025-08-16T23:22:06+00:00

Nice guys are manipulative because rather than being honest and authentic, they try to control the outcome by prioritizing being safe over being real and honest with what they feel and want in an attempt to get the approval of a girl they are interested in or at the very least avoid dissaproval and conflict.

So in reality mister nice guys are not actually nice because they just seek approval and hide what they want because they fear being rejected.

You said it yourself: "I play it safe, act polite, and hope something clicks". That is manipulative even if you think it's harmelss. Chosing to play it safe stems fear of rejection, fear of losing control, or fear that expressing your true desires will lead to disapproval, not from genuine desire to connect. It's all about self-preservation.

Read Mode one by Alan Roger Currie and Models by Mark Manson and you will see how manipulative, dishonest, and fake the so-called nice guys are, and you will get rid of that attitude forever because of how disgusted you will be to come even close to anything that resembles the self-proclaimed nice guy vibe.

MCvegmaharaja · 2025-08-17T23:58:45+00:00

You can also read the subtle art of not giving a fuck that might also help and the other thing is Learn to say no specially to girls even on small things Like when she asks where are you from You can simply frame it as I’m from a really dangerous place you better don’t know about that Become more playful and not so easy to catch in your speech Also you can watch some interviews of Russell Brand to get an idea of generating the spark and showing intent

Legal-MorningW-24 · 2025-08-17T17:53:23+00:00

To put it simply; put yourself first. This can feel selfish at first if you're not used to it but make sure you're the priority. Cut out any actions and beliefs that make women the source of your happiness and center of your attention. When you stop being needy you start being attractive.

Ghibli_Valkyrie · 2025-08-18T01:40:45+00:00

stop overthinking and just be direct about what you want. youre treating conversations like debugging code when you should be expressing actual interest. ask her out properly instead of hoping politeness will magically create attraction

burncushlikewood · 2025-08-16T22:44:18+00:00

Being nice isn't bad, being a pushover is, and also if you're getting numbers and she's not replying there could be many reasons for this, one of the reasons could be lack of comfort or attraction in the early stages of your interaction, it also be her having a boyfriend or husband, or it could be you doing everything right but yet she still rejects you, maybe she thinks you're too good for her, maybe you're to good looking or wealthy. I don't think it's because you're being too nice, the nature of cold approaching is difficult because she doesn't know you or she doesn't feel safe, disarm this notion of hers by being confident, and getting to know her as a person, but still escalating by touching, here's a great book that really helped me, it's a psychological profiling approach to seduction by my favorite author, check it out

https://archive.org/details/vin-di-carlo-pandora-39s-box-complete-pua-system

epimpstyle · 2025-08-16T23:08:15+00:00

I don’t want to just stay in this cycle where I play it safe, act polite, and hope something clicks.

Take any book on seduction and you'll see they always say you need to escalate.

You won't play it safe if you see an opportunity, but you'll gradually push things forward. I say gradually because if you push too much, the game is over. Once she is 'hooked,' that's a different chapter.

The idea is not that you're too nice, but to figure out when she is "hooked" and then use a different plan.

Matter_Still · 2025-08-17T04:33:34+00:00

Beware of “medical student syndrome”: reading about a disease and imagining you have it. Glover lost me in the first few pages with his list of traits that are common with nice guys:

“Nice guys avoid conflict”. ( Who doesn’t when possible?”)

“Nice guys repress their feelings.” (We all do to some extent, basically to avoid being arrested.)

“Nice guys often try to be different than their fathers.” (Mine smoked two packs a day and died of liver failure from drinking. Yeah. It’s a problem to want to be different in those ways.)

“Nice guys are givers.” (So, I heard, was John Gotti, according to the residents of Corona.)

“Nice guys fix and caretake.” (Gotti. Ibid.)

Some more traits:

“Nice guys are dishonest”. (And members of the Medillin Cartel arent’?)

Nice guys are secretive. Nice guys are manipulative. Nice guys are controlling. Nice guys are full of rage.

Yeah? So were some of the nastiest S.O.B.’s ever to draw breath—Attila the Hun, Stalin, King John, and Ivan the Terrible.

I get it: it’s a lot easier to believe my problem is that I’m a “nice guy” than to believe I’m a) unattractive; b) unsexy; c) or not nearly as charming as I think.

It’s a quick fix. Getting ghosted? Stop being a nice guy. Passed up for promotion? Start putting your needs first, not the company’s.

Is your wife, girlfriend, or partner the epi-center of your emotional life? Put it on something else—your career, portfolio, or abs.

By page 36 I had read enough, and as if I needed more from Glover he disclosed his “Habits of Highly Ineffective Men”. They were:

“Seeking the approval of others” (So was Barack Obama, as do all politicians.)

“Trying to hide their perceived flaws and mistakes.” (As does every job applicant, college applicant, and actor auditioning for a part.)

“Putting other people’s needs before their own” (It’s called having a boss.)

And this gem: “Highly ineffective people fail to live up to their full potential.”

What does that even mean?

This is Dr. Glover’s stock-in-trade: the terms that lack specificity; traits that apply just as commonly to “nice guys” as guys who are not. Tactics “nice guys” use to manipulate and to seek approval:

*They’re smart. *They stay sober. *They stay in shape. *They make other people happy. *They have a clean car. *They dress well. *They respect women.

Bastards!

Damn! And I thought I liked my car clean because I like clean cars.

Live and learn.

Sandvicheater · 2025-08-17T00:29:52+00:00

I hate the term "nice guy" because it implies being polite and courteousness means you will never get laid.

Manners Maketh Man

The proper term should be weak men. Men who avoid conflict at all costs, who are afraid to voice their opinion even if its goes direct conflict with the girls' position (politically, ethically, religiously, etc) men who are willing to change their mind more times then they change their underwear in hopes of girl liking them.

A lot of times you gotta be willing to voice your opinion, position, etc at the "risk" of losing the girl. Can't tell you how many times I've gotten laid because my political opinions are polar opposite of the girl I was wooing.

darrylgorn · 2025-08-17T11:50:40+00:00

It's unclear if being nice or being boring is your problem.

You can be nice and polite and still be engaging.

miyass_miyass · 2025-08-17T19:45:36+00:00

How often do you do street approaches and how do you open?

Saying you "sometimes" get contact info makes it sound like you're not approaching particularly consistently

Silver_Standard_3693 · 2025-08-18T04:29:09+00:00

I love this subreddit so much good advice

solosscents_ · 2025-08-18T23:29:49+00:00

u beat nice guy syndrome by telling her whatever the fuck you want.

you don’t like it when she straightens her hair? “damn, you straightened it again? i like it when it’s curly.”

she is being boring? you tell her it.

but mainly playfully. also not doing everything she wants, or give her a little resistance a bit.

Broad-Cranberry-9050 · 2025-08-21T14:41:20+00:00

I haven't read books myself but something that helped me was just not caring as much anymore about treating girls like a glass vase.

Like im generally a nice guy but I noticed with girls it was like I wanted to show them that I could be a "protector", that I wasnt some creep and that I was a nice guy. I kept my distance, etc. I got numbers but it never went anywhere.

For you i'd say, first accept that even if you do beat "nice guy syndrome" girls might still ghost. Some girls give numbers because they dont want a weird altercation. Other girls might generally like you but then get anxious and ghost.

Second, I would say dont go in to conversations thinking "I need a GF or need to get laid" when you talk to a girl. Just go in thinking you want a nice conversation and if you never see that girl again that is ok.

The best way I can say it is, treat a girl like you would a bro. Ill put it like this, if you see a guy wearing a shirt of your favorite game, you might go up to him and say "hey nice shirt man, I played that game for hours all weekend and cant wait for the next game". You might get a smirk and "yeah" or you might get a nice conversation out of it. You aren't trying to befirend this guy, you are just trying to have a nice conversation but because it's genuine you will flow better and you might end up with a new friend, but if you didnt end up with a new friend you wouldnt be sad about it. Because you never gave that person the impression that you need a friend from that interaction because you genuily did not need it.

Same goes for girls, go up to them for a nice conversation not because you need their number but because y ou are a social and charismatic person. Nice guys immediatelly put women on a pedestal and try to be "husband material". Girls aren't trying to meet a guy they can take to their dad, they are trying to meet a guy who they think will show them a great time. One thing I noticed is that when I made jokes towards girls, most of the time they laughed and loved it. Girls are so used ot being treated like glass vases that when a guy doesnt do that they enjoy it. They want to be one of the guys in a way. I told a girl she was acting like a drake fan one time in front of all her friends. She could've been pissed told me to fuck off. Instead she laughed and all her friends laugh and it created a back and forth between us 2.

It's all about being risky and if the girl does get offended then you apoloigize and walk away. It's better that you find out now she doesnt appreciate your jokes then it is to give a fake persona and then you find after spending time and money on her. In a weird way, to get a girl you need to go in thinking you dont care if you ever see her again.

somethinlikeshieva · 2025-08-21T18:55:16+00:00

Why do you think it's from you being a nice guy? Women are just like that, they'll give you their number but won't respond later

NChSh · 2025-08-17T02:12:28+00:00

If youre approaching and consistently getting numbers first off thats tight. If youre getting ghosted after its probably not because they think youre nice a big number of women will literally still try to friend zone you. Youre probably spooning them a lil

sunsabeaches · 2025-08-17T18:57:37+00:00

You actually took the time to write all of that. I have read about these topics before and my therapist suggested them to me. Some of the things you have written here are the exact same things that my then therapist had said. I really do appreciate you taking the time to write all of that. You didn’t have to, but did it anyway out of altruism. These two comments alone have given me an understanding of so many answers that I have been seeking for a very long time. Obviously this is just a gist of the matter and a lot has to be unpacked. But you have successfully paved the way for it and for others as well who are in the same position as you have described. Thank you:)

shooter1129 · 2025-08-16T23:09:43+00:00

Its you’re looks bro

ThatDarnSmell · 2025-08-17T00:19:05+00:00

Be a gentleman instead.

Title	Dealing With Mr Nice Guy Syndrome
Author	Guy-In-Pyjamas
Upvotes	156
Comments	48
Date	August 16, 2025 10:35 PM UTC (11 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1msa1yx/dealing_with_mr_nice_guy_syndrome/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/dealing-with-mr-nice-guy-syndrome.1559762 https://theredarchive.com/post/1559762

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