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[–]MeWuzBornIn1990 20 points21 points22 points 4 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
Speak your mind and don’t be afraid to be your authentic self.
[–]Acid_In_My_Eyes 2 points3 points4 points 4 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
My authentic self is not confident yet
[–]_Broatmeal_ 5 points6 points7 points 4 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Then work on yourself before you try to seduce someone for the sake of sleeping with them or going for a relationship. Don’t mean for that to sound demeaning but it’s true
[–]Acid_In_My_Eyes 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
yes but i mean i was curious what work on yourself means, i have some ideas about building confidence, just thought maybe others might have some new ideas too
[–]Monk_Shaolin 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Can you expand on “work on yourself” I’ve already been quite a quiet guy and my confidence has been low for a very long time. I’ve been actively going out and socialising with girls but can’t move past anything more. Any tips on how to actually increase confidence in the sexual part of things?
[–]CompetitionFair7686 12 points13 points14 points 4 years ago* (3 children) | Copy Link
False. It’s fine to be nice, the problem is that you are not behaving in a masculine way and you make things platonic with the girl by playing it too safe.
In other words you don’t flirt sexually with her and don’t even try to build sexual tension first, which leads to getting friendzone as soon as you start being sweet and available and acting like an ideal boyfriend.
in other words you skip the sexual tension phase, and jump straight into acting romantic with a girl that just isn’t feeling the spark with you, so when you reveal you want some for you get turned down because the vibe is platonic rather than sexual.
Being nice has nothing to do with it.
You build attraction by doing sexual flirting which is basically to create sexual tension with a girl by expressing verbally and non verbally your sexual desire for her.
[–]Monk_Shaolin 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
When you say “verbally express sexual desires” how upfront should you be about it? A girl I’m interested in 100% knows my intentions are friends, but other than make and talk flirty, I don’t know how to say sexual things like you mentioned.
[–]CompetitionFair7686 10 points11 points12 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
The problem is that you have no idea what sexualising or flirting sexually means.
Sexualising or flirting sexually in a conversation refers to making the conversation vibe go from a platonic energy into a sexual energy. The goal of sexualising is to create sexual tension with the girl.
Sexual tension is an emotional state that women experience when they are attracted to a guy.
Sexual tension in the point of view of a guy for example would be when a hot girl starts touching your thigh dangerously close to your private parts, and tells you that you are kinda cute while she bites her lips suggestively and looks into your mouth.
She would not be touching your balls, but the fact that she says you are cute like that, combined with the suggestive gestures and the dangerous touch in your thigh, you would probably get a boner cuz she is creating sexual tension by sexualising, which is turning you on.
That’s what’s sexual tension feels like, and her highly suggestive behaviour is what sexualising is, which is expressing your desire for her both with body language gestures, touch and words.
Now this requires skills and social intelligence, because doing this with a girl at the wrong time or in the moment can make things too uncomfortable.
You first need to create comfort with the girl,she needs to feel comfortable around you.
Then you need to qualify her, qualifying her means that you show her that you are seeing positive traits in her that justify your interest in her other than just her looks. Doing this sets you apart and makes sexualising far easier because she will feel good enough to let you do it.
Then comes sexual flirting or sexualisation, that is talking and behaving like a guy who wants to turn her on and is turn on by her, so you start telling her things like:
“That smile of yours is so cute is making me crazy girl”
“Can you repeat that again? I was distracted with your eyes 😏”
“Girl, may i tell you something? (You proceed to look at her body and down shamelessly and you add) you looking like a snack”
You say things like this while also, using gestures such as the ones I mentioned above with the hot woman, like:
“biting your lips suggestively”
“looking into her eyes, and mouth while you bite your lips, as if hinting that you want to kiss her”
“Caressing the pm of her hands, her fingers, her fore arms and her wrists, while you look into her eyes with smile”
This all requires you to do it smoothly, and it’s easier said than done if you don’t have experience doing it.
Like i said: Doing it wrongly and anti-smooth can backfire at any moment. But to learn you just gotta practice with different girls until you get good at it.
Doing this stuff makes the girl feel the sexual tension and be attracted to your.
The correct order would be: Talking about personal personal topics of conversation, to qualifying the girl so she feels wanted for who she is, to flirting sexually so there is sexual tension, to kissing her…
[–]Acid_In_My_Eyes 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
thats true and i dont do it because ive always been looking for friends, but now i want to date so i will do it
[–]nosepickergabe 4 points5 points6 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
If you get friendzoned don't be afraid to walk away. Have self respect, being that you don't always have to put other people's needs in front of yours. I have more to say but, I'm about to get a haircut.
[–]Neo-Rio 2 points3 points4 points 4 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
You don't have to change who you are, but you do have to have discipline to defend yourself from emotional abuse as well. You have to know what you want, and what you will or will not accept.
Most niceguys don't understand their value and just give it away for free. Then get upset when the woman doesn't reciprocate.
What you have to do is force the woman to invest in you (by getting her to chase after you), and limit your interactions with her unless it's under the context that you want.
Learn to say no to women when they're offering you something you don't want.
Avoid friendships between men and women. The minute one of you start seeing someone else regularly on a sexual basis, that friendship is as good as dead anyway. You or her will spend more time with the sexual partner than the non-sexual friend. At that point it's "goodbye stranger"
[–]DetainTheFranzia 2 points3 points4 points 4 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Don’t give yourself up fully. Nice guys, like I tend to be sometimes, are people pleasers. We feel like we want to tell everyone the FULL story all the time. It leaves no mystery with you. There’s nothing to wonder about you, nothing to be desired. Stop giving her the full explanation for who you are. Give her short answers and let her ask questions about you. Keep her wanting more.
[–]Acid_In_My_Eyes 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
i feel like i give the full story because im trying to connect on a friendship level. i think if u want to date someone there maybe should be a mystery?
[–]DetainTheFranzia 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Tbh even on the friend level you shouldn’t automatically give everything. It makes people less interested in you, because you have nothing left to give - you gave yourself away already.
It’s one of those frustrating but real ways that psychology manifests itself. Kind of like showing up late to a party - it just makes people more interested in you.
[–]willgo-waggins 3 points4 points5 points 4 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link
Don’t take anyones shit.
Have an opinion and have it be truthful and fact based. And don’t be afraid to admit if you are wrong but don’t lose confidence because of that.
Take the lead. The vast majority of women are followers even when they are adamant about their “independence”. They will generally automatically fall in line even as they play at resisting and countering you. It’s actually quite amusing to watch. My girl is a spot on perfect example. Miss independent all the time but when it’s time to go somewhere, do something or perform a task she immediately defers to me and takes direction.
Have fun with life. Joke. Make people laugh. Poke a little fun at things. Don’t be hurtful or cruel about something that she opens up about as a sensitive subject. You’re done then. Maybe she acts goofy and is a little embarrassed. Prod it along a little as a joke. Then when she naturally gets a little pushed back, laugh and clearly let her know you were just having fun with her and if possible create physical contact to bring her back in and create bond.
All this stuff but let it flow naturally not awkwardly.
[–]FaithInStrangers94 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I feel like it actually requires insanely advanced social skills to be able to navigate touchy subjects with people whilst flirting and building rapport and to push the boundary as cheeky and bold without stepping over it and looking like an asshole, especially with someone you’ve just met
[–]willgo-waggins 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yeah you are correct in that. It’s not rookie or novice territory for sure.
[–]Acid_In_My_Eyes 2 points3 points4 points 4 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
so:
i have an opinion but dont say it or dont develop it or go with what someone else says = lack of confidence
take the lead requires confidence too because u have to assume they will listen
having fun and joking is good but also requires confidence to not be afraid of offending but being able to be lighthearted if they do get offended
the naturalness and smoothness takes practice i guess so it doesnt seem forced
[–]willgo-waggins 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Ultimately I didn’t want to tell you the standard “you have to build up your self confidence” line. But the fact is that you do. And one of the ways you do that? Grab the bull by the horns man. Nobody is going to do it for you, wave a damn magic wand and you are suddenly Captain smooth or anything else like that. I’m a big dork. No matter how smooth and polished I have become this far along in life, like any human being I have a spectacular capacity to stick my foot into my mouth right up to the knee.
Especially in front of women that I am wanting to impress.
Every so often my girl and I will be bantering - usually with some other clever souls - and I will come up with and vomit out some absolute idiocy or something leaving myself wide open to a “that’s what she said” moment. And she will gleefully jump right on that. I will just shake my head and hang it very dramatically and say “got me”, at which point she inevitably will throw her arms around me and say “I’m just kidding I love you!” And all is right again with the world.
Don’t be afraid of failure or ridicule or stumbling. That’s how we learn. That’s experience and it’s all good because it teaches us how to be the best version of ourselves.
[–]Acid_In_My_Eyes 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
thank you! thats a funny story too :)
[–]willgo-waggins 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
You’re welcome. Good luck!
[–]Mari_Mari_Mariana 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Put in your head that it's better to be alone than to be with someone who think your opinions are dealbreakers. There is no problem in admitting you might be wrong and following the logic of the person, but don't hide your core ideas.
Taking the lead is more about being confident in what you are saying than in yourself. When programming dates, don't be afraid of suggesting a place where you think you might have fun. She might turn it down and still take the lead, but you are showing her that you are willing to share the burden in these situations. And please, if she dislikes your advice, don't insist too much.
About joking, understand that accidentaly making an offensive joke isn't a big deal unless you go way overboard. Pay attention to your surroundings and if the joke makes someone look offended, just say "sorry if I offended you, it wasn't my intention and I won't repeat it" and change the subject. Don't act like it was nothing but also don't act like you killed her puppy.
If you tend to get friendzone, I suppose you are still developing social skills. The biggest mistake I see guys making in your situation is going overboard and becoming too cocky, which is even more detrimental to your image. Go carefully and one step at a time.
[–]mjornir 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Enforce your boundaries rigidly. Say no to things that won’t make you happy or benefit you. Put yourself first and others after.
You won’t actually be an asshole by doing these things, but some people who think they’re entitled to your time and energy may label you as one.
[–]Rikthelazy 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Why do you guys always say nice, why not use the word respect, it makes everything easier to understand.
[–]Ok-Professional2756 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
You are confusing being a rug women wipe their feet on with being an ass.
You can be perfectly nice, respectful and polite and not be a rug for women to wipe their feet, you know.
yes i realize that now.
[–]Ambitious-Ice2357 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Stop caring what women think and be yourself.
yes agreed. but how do u stop fearing rejection
[–]Ambitious-Ice2357 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
You develop an IDGAF attitude and move on. They’ll be other women and one day, you’ll find one that likes you for who you are and not who pretend to be.
develop it how i mean lol
[–]NineteenAD9 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
The most confident people are very social because they are comfortable with the judgment and results of anything they say or do, whether it's something positive or controversial.
If that makes them assholes, then it is what it is.
If you can accept those things, then you'll gain confidence. If you can't, then you'll typically find yourself people pleasing and only saying things that sound good to other people.
[–]kiramdahanett 2 points3 points4 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
https://mikemehlman.net/2021/09/09/relationships-as-a-polygamous-male/
read this article , all U need.
[–]alextheanimall 4 points5 points6 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Interesting read but a bit extreme viewpoint. I disagree that a girl will eventually lose sexual attraction towards you as soon as you get into a relationship with her, I think that as long as you don’t start slacking and always keep improving, you’ll be good.
I do agree that you should always have multiple options available until you go exclusive with a girl you like. Once she has taken note of your ability to get women she will most likely not be the one to let go of your relationship as she knows what you’re capable off once you get out that cage. She’ll hold onto it for dear life, especially if you remain great and keep getting looks from other women, confirming to her that she has made the right choice.
[–]Smokeythemagickamodo 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Speak your mind be direct. Don’t insult or neg. I almost bagged a chick with a bf but had to respect boundaries today. Quote, “you are wild.” Why yes I am.
[–]atomant88 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Dont be an asshole
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I speak fluent asshole without even trying.
[–]jao_vitu_bunitu 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
You get friendzoned because the girl is not interested most likely, no girl that likes you will friendzone you. You don't need to be an asshole either.actually that's pretty bad. you have to be yourself and understand nuances. If people are not interested in the things you like to talk about or the things you like in general, move on to a different person. Sometimes men tend to force sympathy and act in an artificial way and they end up being a creep or a weirdo or too submissive. You need to be assertive, always being nice ofc. Being nice is not treating a woman like a a superior thing wanting a reward from her, it is treating her with respect and being educated and proactive.
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[–]MeWuzBornIn1990 20 points21 points22 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]Acid_In_My_Eyes 2 points3 points4 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]_Broatmeal_ 5 points6 points7 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]Acid_In_My_Eyes 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Monk_Shaolin 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]CompetitionFair7686 12 points13 points14 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]Monk_Shaolin 1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]CompetitionFair7686 10 points11 points12 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Acid_In_My_Eyes 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]nosepickergabe 4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Neo-Rio 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]DetainTheFranzia 2 points3 points4 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]Acid_In_My_Eyes 0 points1 point2 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]DetainTheFranzia 1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]willgo-waggins 3 points4 points5 points (7 children) | Copy Link
[–]FaithInStrangers94 1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]willgo-waggins 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Acid_In_My_Eyes 2 points3 points4 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]willgo-waggins 1 point2 points3 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]Acid_In_My_Eyes 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]willgo-waggins 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Mari_Mari_Mariana 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]mjornir 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Rikthelazy 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Ok-Professional2756 1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Acid_In_My_Eyes 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Ambitious-Ice2357 1 point2 points3 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]Acid_In_My_Eyes 0 points1 point2 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]Ambitious-Ice2357 1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Acid_In_My_Eyes 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]NineteenAD9 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]kiramdahanett 2 points3 points4 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]alextheanimall 4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Smokeythemagickamodo 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]atomant88 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]jao_vitu_bunitu 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link