How do you force yourself to try again when things are going consistently wrong?

lookslikespeed · 2010-04-25T01:20:18+00:00

You say your 'attempts have been going wrong'.

Sounds like you have been approaching. Only.

Sounds like you aren't talking to the tons of people you might encounter every day, outside of pickup - cashiers, employees, people in line, etc.

Every new conversation is a mini adventure, and it gets quite addicting to talk to people. When you talk to everyone, then your 'attempts' won't be 'going wrong' -- it'll just be one conversation out of dozens for the day.

intjpua · 2010-04-25T07:33:26+00:00

Try redefining success and failure. Success is when you learn something. Failure is when you don't experiment. You have been succeeding, even if you haven't gotten a number or a date or even a good conversation. As long as you're learning something, you're succeeding.

I think it's interesting that you mention bookstores, coffee shops, restaurants, and walks, as "solitary" activities. You do know that there are people in all of these places, right?

Maybe you shouldn't focus your experiments in foreign territory (we already know you're extremely uncomfortable in bars and clubs; being uncomfortable is bad for your game). You can get your allotted conversations down during a normal day at the bookstore, the coffee shop, restaurants, and walking.

I'm guessing you've set for yourself some sort of quota or goal for how many people you talk to in a day, or how many girls you have conversations with, or whatever, right? So, make sure you go to the coffee shop when it is busiest, you'll stand in line with other people (occasionally pretty girls), and when you sit, you'll be surrounded by people; you can talk to them, casually and about situational topics. If your local bookstore isn't crowded and doesn't have book-signings and readings and such that draw crowds, find one that is crowded and has cool stuff happening, and go to it instead. Choose restaurants that are amenable to socializing (those with lines or a counter). Walk in very busy areas, where lots of people walk dogs, rollerblade, bike, work out, etc. and then smile and say "Hi" to everyone who makes eye contact. If they have a cute dog that seems friendly, say "Cute dog, is he friendly?"

Here's how this works:

Today I went out for a massive bike ride to do some shopping...in the process I talked briefly to a girl on the way to the shops, a man and his daughter as I was chugging up a long hill and I passed by them slowly ("Howdy" to the little girl as I approached because she smiled when I smiled at her, and "I think I can, I think I can" to both of them as I passed), at the first store I nodded and said "Hi" to everyone I passed in the store, when checking out I carried on a 1-2 minute conversation with the clerk and got him laughing a bit.

On to the second store, where I smiled and said, "Hi" to everyone I passed in the store, and then carried on a quite long conversation with two guys who were shopping in the same section and seemed to know what they were doing, so I asked advice and joked around with them. When leaving, I joked around with the two guys behind the counter, and had them both laughing...the checkout took a while, and the second guy went out for a smoke, and I talked to him again for a couple more minutes outside as I was putting my things into my bike bag.

I continued my bike ride over to a place in town where lots of folks gather for a couple of hours every weekend night (sounds strange, but your town probably has stuff that goes on regularly that causes a crowd to gather; go to those events!), and met a couple from Canada and had a quite long conversation with them about our shared interests (we actually had a lot in common, and it was a very comfortable and enjoyable conversation for all parties). I also spoke to a man and his daughter who are locals to the area. I teased a pretty girl for taking a picture facing the sun, pointing out that "That's gonna be an awful picture staring right into the sun like that." She smiled really big, wrinkled her nose and said, "I know!", and walked off to catch up with her friends.

All of this was painless; I was maybe a little tense with the pretty girl with the camera, but otherwise it was just talking to folks. I didn't get any actual approaches in during the bike ride (I chickened out when I did see a really cute girl at one of the shops...still have approach anxiety, even though it's getting much better; I feel dumb for letting this one pass, as I even knew exactly what to say; I won't let that exact type of opportunity pass by again--girl in parking lot, walking away from me--as I think I'm now inoculated to it), but I talked to a lot of people, and it's getting easier every time I go out.

The important thing is that I wouldn't have talked to that many people in most of the bars I frequent (I'm a lot more comfortable in clubs and bars than you are, as I've been a live music fanatic my whole life). You can do this without ever stepping foot into a bar or club...though bars and clubs are great places to hone your technique and get a lot of practice, but if it's going to crush your spirit every time you go there, I don't see a reason to do so until you've gotten over some of your other issues. Find other places where there are lots of people to talk to and where you don't feel so out of place.

poncedeleon · 2010-04-25T00:39:44+00:00

Just. Fucking. Do. It.

returnofdoom · 2010-04-25T00:45:28+00:00

Ask yourself whether you want to continue being lonely. The course that you need to take to change seems hardly worse than your solitary lifestyle. Get the fuck out there and make it happen. YOU CAN DO THIS, MOTHER FUCKER!

rmbarnes · 2010-04-25T17:27:15+00:00

Yeah, I have felt close to giving up after having a terrible month.

I've been at this three months. Thought I had cured my approach anxiety in month one, turns out I haven't. Now I just had a fucking pathetic month, all due to anxiety problems, and I actually feel less confident than I did 6 weeks ago. It just feels like I'll never get close to beating this game.

This has lead me to want to give up. The one thing that stops me is this train of thought:

"The long term consequences of failing to get good at game are horrific"

When I say the long term consequences, I mean celibacy and possibly never having a family. Your long term happiness really could (in part) depend on getting good at game. This is why I never want to quit, even if it takes a few years to make decent progress.

Look at it this way, whether you spend a few years getting good at game or not, those few years are still going to pass just the same. Better to do something.

asev0 · 2010-04-25T21:21:05+00:00

Giving up is never an option. It means you've given up on yourself, and the chance to live life to the fullest. If you do that, it's like laying down and dying, except more subtle. Yeah, you're still walking around but you're just a shadow of what you could be, dead to what the world has to offer. Do or die. Even fighting with slow gains is better than giving up.

And like lookslikespeed said, talk to everyone without any intent other than to talk. Don't force conversations and learn to recognize when it's time to let people go/continue on your way. But you'd be surprised how much people want to just talk. Just make it a habit to say hi to people and leave yourself open to conversation. It takes very little effort and positive feedback and interaction from random people will give you more confidence and energy to pursue more than friendly conversation.

Listro · 2010-04-28T00:16:25+00:00

By listening to alan watts, myself or some of my friends talk. It usually reminds me that it doesn't matter...so might as well have fun. Also, words like "embarrassing" are words you should learn to let go of.

hotsexgary · 2010-04-25T05:49:49+00:00

Keep a diary. You'll be surprised how far you've actually come already, focus on taking little steps.

2010-04-25T12:39:52+00:00

Talk to 2000 sets first, and then you can complain.

rankking · 2010-04-25T18:58:03+00:00

What else can you do?

m0nk3yb0y · 2010-04-25T01:18:52+00:00

I haven't had any embarrassing attempts lately, because I've lost interest in being social. It's mostly been in the last week or so. Maybe it coincides with my new (more aggressive) work out schedule. Anyways, I was going to recommend a middle ground of scheduling a weekly social event such as joining a team of some sort. This coming from the guy that blew off his weekly inter-sex dodgeball game today and is currently supposed to be across town at a roller derby bout. I'm starting to get annoyed with myself so I'm probably going out later tonight. My new approach for avoid becoming a shut-in -- post that I'm going out on my social web sites (FB, etc) so there's some peer pressure involved (and possible suggestions/offers from other people to meet up).

Title	How do you force yourself to try again when things are going consistently wrong?
Author	nooneinparticular
Upvotes	9
Comments	17
Date	April 24, 2010 11:55 PM UTC (16 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/bvoi6/how_do_you_force_yourself_to_try_again_when/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/how-do-you-force-yourself-to-try-again-when-things.1310220 https://theredarchive.com/post/1310220

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