I have problems having one on one conversations. Not just with girls but with anyone. Even family members, and friends. I need help Seddit.

CodeNameJake · 2012-10-21T00:56:32+00:00

[permanently deleted]

bl1y · 2012-10-20T21:48:09+00:00

Keep in mind that not every moment needs to be filled with sound. Learn to be comfortable with moments (even minutes) of silence.

If you feel like it's a time when there needs to be a conversation, remember that everyone's favorite subject is themself. "How did your mid-terms go?" "Have you thought about classes for next semester?" "That's a great shirt/watch/purse/head. Where'd you get it?"

DaveTheFridge · 2012-10-20T22:18:39+00:00

I really hope this takes off, I feel the same way and it's a killer, I'm sorry for you friend

ObiWan111 · 2012-10-20T22:20:59+00:00

Start doing more things and talk about them. If you go out a lot you should be able to pick up stories along the way. "Last weekend we were at this club and...."
Talk about the things you're passionate about. Bring the things you love doing or thinking about into the conversation.
Have material to talk about before hand. Get interesting facts and stories from /r/todayilearned. Pick up some discussion topics in /r/askwomen or /r/askmen and get out there and talk about them.

prezuiwf · 2012-10-21T01:00:17+00:00

The advice here is great so far, but it seems like you're asking not just for pickup reasons but also for general conversation, so here is a tip. If the person you're talking to has kids, put your mind at ease. People will talk about their kids for-fucking-EVER. You keep asking questions about their kids and you can have an 8-hour long conversation with a person and not have a moment of silence.

READMEdotTXT · 2012-10-21T03:13:17+00:00

I'm currently on the verge of overcoming something very similar. In group settings I could joke, comment, chat, etc. etc and come off as very extroverted. When I found myself one on one with someone conversation lacked flow. Here is what I've noticed, I hope it can help you: -Online conversation advice sort of turned me into a robot. I was able to make a conversation last, but it wasn't really energizing or natural. I felt like an interviewer, asking question after question (with the occasional forced self-revelation for the sake of variety) to keep noise coming out of our mouths. I was very fake, I had to try to hide my actual thoughts and emotions (usually,"How do I get out of here?", "Am I being weird?", and feelings of boredom or anxiety) However, this stage in my development was still very useful (though admittedly too long). Through the guides you will find online you learn some solid basic conversation guidelines. Take an interest in the other, ask questions!, offer info about yourself, find things the other can relate to, do interesting things so you have interesting things to talk about, read the news, know what sort of general topics to discuss, see how you can branch into deeper topics from something as simple as the weather ("How about this weather?" can lead to vacation spots, favorite seasons, favorite past times, where people grew up, travel goals, sports, food preferences, clothing preferences!!), etc. etc.

-Over time, I found that when I was talking about a problem with someone I was very comfortable and the conversation flowed. I was very comfortable and apt at conversing when there was a clear object and agreed on topic to the conversation. Examples: A problem during group classwork, a philosophical topic, a friend with a relationship issue or life problem. I think I began to unintentionally use this to my advantage, the friendships I formed were with people who were going through big problems in their life that took up their mindspace. Their focus on their own problems allowed us with a safe topic to return to and one which I was comfortable discussing. But I will try not to ramble about myself, this post is about things you can relate to.

-What did I learn from my problem with talking about problems? The importance of being cognizant about the topic you are talking about. In my conversations about problems the topic was so salient, we had an issue and lets chat til we come to a solution. In fun, dynamic, conversations, the topic is ever changing, fluid, and flexible for you to change it or choose to continue it. Take your thoughts off yourself, put your thoughts on the topic. Keeping the topic in mind allows your thoughts and emotions to flow more relevant to the topic. If you are talking about vacations with someone but your thoughts are on yourself: the things you say will come out as uninspired and flat. If you are talking about vacations with someone and your thoughts are on the topic of vacations: stories, facts, words, emotions, and things to say will flow more readily. It is about flow, pleasant flow. and is there anything with less pleasant flow than an insecure person ruminating about themselves? Is there anything with more pleasant flow than an involved, engaging, mind-expanding conversation with a lot of laughter and comfortable pauses?

-Here is where I am at now. Redefining conversation. There is a thing we often do involving two people saying things at each other to avoid a silence, that is not a conversation. What we want is a real conversation, a truly enjoyable and meaningful one. Conversation can be so much fun! Yet so many people are afraid to have one, really have one. You are far from alone in struggling here, I think there are a lot of people who do not struggle in conversation at all but still suck at it. Conversation is an art, an art that takes time and practice. Do not feel bad you are struggling! Some people luck out and are born into families with great conversational skills. They spend their childhood surrounded by chatty upbeat parents, and go to family parties where they pick up conversation skills and techniques from dozens of upbeat witty skilled conversationalists. We didn't have that! But we have wonderful flexible human minds and the will to put in the time and effort (and embarrassment and pain) needed to become GREAT (not just passable) conversationalists.

-I guess I should breakdown my points, though it might be better for you to read over and find what points matter to you. --the basic techniques in conversation you will read about only take you so far, they help you avoid silence but don't help you have fun --You will find certain topics and situations comfortable for you, what makes them so? How can you learn from them? Is it a good sort of comfort you can use to grow or a maladaptive sort of comfort you rely on to hide from putting your real self out there? --Try new ways of thinking during conversations. Learn to direct your focus on the dynamic topic at hand. From this focus things to say will appear. We don't choose our thoughts! We don't choose what we say in conversation! The words just come to us and we need to cultivate a mindset that encourages enjoyable flowing conversation. You will say stupid things, but allowing yourself to say stupid things will allow you to feel in tune with your words and at ease with the situation. -HAVE FUN! Keep at it!

Remember! Have fun, and flow!!! There is more to say but I feel this reply is giant already. One more thing to add (procrastinating on school work, this is an entertaining distraction). Research shows that trying not to think about something increases your chances of thinking about it when you are under stress. So, don't try to not think anything, accept the negative emotions and thoughts and just try to replace your focus on the topic. In public speaking situations, I find it helps to say "I get so nervous in front of a crowd" to my crowd, which I've noticed makes the nervousness seem tiny. I've never tried such a technique in a one on one conversation, but play with the idea, and be cool with the fact your emotions might not be cool!

ben-ew · 2012-10-20T23:42:43+00:00

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djdroid · 2012-10-21T04:31:33+00:00

Haha, you are my opposite. One on one I'm great, but you throw me in a group of more than four people and I just can't talk at all.

sedrees · 2012-10-20T22:47:51+00:00

Same problem, doesn't matter how well you know them, shit is still hard.

I hate to make this a strategy, since i feel like it should come naturally, i know these people for christ sake, but here is one way:

/r/todayilearned is full of topics to get you started
keep the spotlight on them as much as possible, ppl loves talking about themselves.
search for words! What the other person really wants to talk about is ALWAYS hidden between the lines somewhere.
Parroting. If you run out of things to talk about, just repeat the last phrase the other person says as a question. Buys you time to think of new topics, even though many times you don't need to, because doing this 3-4 times, a new topic will already be provided from your partner.

ThePermanentGuest · 2012-10-20T22:50:09+00:00

-Learn to listen. Ask questions about people. Get them to talk about themselves, and the convo will never end.

-Use imagery when telling stories. Focus on the characters, your experiences, and your reactions to the events you are describing. That makes it human and relatable.

best of luck

Crosshash · 2012-10-21T00:48:32+00:00

You make it seem like conversation is so arbitrary.

You'll never be successful at talking to someone unless you have a genuine interest in extracting information from them - be it what they do, their views on certain things, their past experiences etc, all components of a person's personality, intellect and activities can be obtained through conversation, if you care about none of these things then you'll never be successful at speaking to someone.

Even then, most of this information isn't very useful unless you can elaborate on it. Get a hobby, travel, do something you've never done before, any experience you can obtain is ammunition you can use in discourse.

thecajunone · 2012-10-21T01:07:18+00:00

R/socialskills is a good place too.

dj_bizarro · 2012-10-21T01:48:04+00:00

Tell me one thing you are interested in.

2012-10-21T04:18:15+00:00

To keep it simple just ask and relate. Sit down and think of a bunch of questions you could ask somebody to get to know them better. You can even make shit up if you get stuck. We're you out at x last night? No? Oh, there was a guy who looked exactly like you drinking sambukas through his eye. Do you drink sambuka? Oh yea. I cant stand that shit either.

Rreptillian · 2012-10-21T04:39:39+00:00

when it comes to family and other guys, you don't have to be interesting/funny. talk about anything you want to, including negative things, and your platonic relationships will slowly begin to improve.

ortofon88 · 2012-10-21T06:33:38+00:00

these two books changed everything about how i communicated with people - 'how to win friends and influence people' and 'people skills' i've read them more than once and highlighted the shit outta them. the main things i learned from them was to be an EXCELLENT listener, let them do most the talking, reflect back to them, what NOT to say and rapport. Not necessarily pua tactic stuff but great for rapport, social circle, family, coworker, etc...

Drunken__Master · 2012-10-21T14:04:40+00:00

read dale carnegie's how to win friends and influence people, it really will help a lot with this. To summarize the book though, people will think you're a great conversationalist if you seem interested in hearing what they have to say.People love talking about themselves to an attentive audience.

readonlyuser · 2012-10-21T15:27:01+00:00

Allow yourself the possibility of being human (which can mean goofy, unlikable, polarizing, unfunny, boring, etc.). Ironically, once you've given up the pretense of being something else, you experience a freedom that allows you to express yourself more clearly and passionately.

To put it in geekier terms, you've clearly got a lot to say, but your filter settings are set way too high. Allow garbage to come out, as well. You'll be surprised how little will actually be garbage.

ddrj · 2012-10-21T00:15:59+00:00

What's wrong with you? Seriously... you don't need seddit. You need to book an appointment with a psychologist. Why do people think that seddit will solve all their problems?

Title	I have problems having one on one conversations. Not just with girls but with anyone. Even family members, and friends. I need help Seddit.
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	74
Comments	35
Date	October 20, 2012 9:28 PM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/11tcc9/i_have_problems_having_one_on_one_conversations/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/i-have-problems-having-one-on-one-conversations.1341418 https://theredarchive.com/post/1341418

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