I've come to a bit of a realization, and I just wanted to put some thoughts out there, and maybe somebody will have some words that will be relevant, or maybe not. Either way...

I've come to realize that I don't feel very deserving of happiness. I'm not sure what exactly it is that someone must do in order to "be worthy" of happiness. Maybe it's nothing at all. Maybe everyone deserves it, or maybe nobody does.

But the point is I don't feel worthy. And that sure can make it damn hard at times to feel good about myself.

I go through phases where I'm fucking proud of myself, what I accomplish, how I hold myself. I commit myself to things, and I accomplish them, and I feel good. And then it seems to go in the shitter. Like part of me says, "you're not good enough for this, so don't get used to it." And then I backpeddle all the way back to where I started, sometimes worse off even, than where I began.

I wanted to post this here in Seddit, because I know this community focuses a lot of personal growth. I don't really have any expectations, but I did want to just get this out.

Sorry to be to so dramatic... obviously this is a throwaway account.

[edit 1]

I don't want to come across as being depressed, or bringing anybody else down. I'm not depressed - at all. But I have to be honest with myself when I observe certain repeating patterns in my behaviour. I also thought maybe somebody might be in a, "I've been there too" situation.

[edit 2]

I've read all of your responses, and I just want to say I do find it comforting that many of you feel or have felt this way too.

mytuppence asked the question, "Why the fuck do you deserve not to be Happy?" And the answer to that question that I tell myself is, "Think about all the areas you are not yet successful. Look at all the areas you still want to improve in. Look how far you have to go..." And no wonder I don't feel worthy after that.

spammizzle posted a link to a very interesting video about people who are happy and people who aren't. And the distinction between the two, the only thing that seperates the one group from the other, is that the happy people believe they are worthy of happiness. That's the only difference. They believe they are worthy.

Is being being truly happy in life as simple as believe I'm worthy?

I heard somewhere once (I think it was Gregory House, so you know it true), that the simplest solution is usually the correct one. spammizzle's video finished with a very simple point, a sentence, "I am enough."

I think I need to realize, on a deep level, that there is an infinite amount of possibilities in this universe, and only a short life time in which to experience things. There's no way I can reaonably expect to accomplish everything, and there will always be trillions of things I haven't accomplished. And I need to learn to be OK with that, OK with what I am right now.

"I am enough."