Why do I always fail on escalating on a date

Artium99 · 2024-11-06T03:47:19+00:00

Damn guys, thanks for all the input. I could summarize it into:

Be more flirty and escalate starting from first date
Share my story while actively listening

Adorable_Pair_5398 · 2024-11-05T23:44:20+00:00

perhaps the escalation should start from the beginning. flirting. having that confidence from the beginning. thoughts?

Jasperbeardly11 · 2024-11-06T18:31:18+00:00

A lot of women have almost zero social skills and just talk and sleep. It can be hard to break through that wall. You have to find mutual topics of interest that you can discuss in a more back and forth matter

chips_and_hummus · 2024-11-05T23:49:19+00:00

handshake - very bad. at minimum give a little side hug if full on hug feels too much based on body language.

escalate quicker - if you haven’t kissed by the third date that’s usually too slow and you won’t progress. lots of women have a 3 date rule for sleeping with someone. if you haven’t even kissed yet you come off as unconfident/not a romantic partner.

touching shoulder/lower back/thigh while sitting next to each other should be happening on first date, second only if it was impossible on first date but this shouldn’t be the case for most of your dates.

keep in mind some girls simply won’t be into it bc she may not be feeling you, but that’s just the game

MaseratiSpyder · 2024-11-06T11:41:23+00:00

I was once chatting with a guy who had just secured a date that evening with a beautiful young blonde girl and he was going to meet her once her shift had finished and they were going to go for a couple of drinks. I hadn't really talked to guys about pick up much before and I was eager to learn as much as I could. This guy was good looking but quite short, however he was successful with girls.
I asked him what he was going to do when he met the girl and his response has always stayed with me. He said "the first thing I'm going to do is complement her on what she is wearing so that she knows she looks good and can therefore relax and enjoy the date".
I wasn't expecting that, honestly it had never occurred to me that the purpose of complementing a women's attire has nothing to do with ingratiating yourself to her so that she likes you. On the contrary the purpose as he saw it was so that she hears that she looks good in her outfit and can therefore relax and feel confident. Otherwise he feared that she would be in her head thinking negative thoughts about such things.
I always do this now when I meet a girl, I look at what she is wearing and give her a complement on her outfit and pick out some particular item within it that I particularly like and that's where I start the conversation. I love her shoes, bag, belt etc. I ask questions about it, I tease her about it, I begin to flirt with her. Then we're off to the races.

AssistTemporary8422 · 2024-11-05T23:51:26+00:00

So I let her talk a lot but some girls told me that I don't talk about myself too much. But like how?? All she does is yap and never ask questions to me..

Say something that relates to something she said. You want to be saying things that show high status, making jokes, showing confidence, flirting, and teasing. She should be doing most of the talking but you should be making these little high impact statements.

After we meet again, I now try the escalations. Try to touch her hand, flirt a bit here and there, touch her shoulder or back for a short time, etc.

You should be escalating on the first date not second. And if you aren't escalating verbally that will make physical escalation more difficult. Finally if you escalate too aggressively then she will feel pressured and push back. You need to give her some room to escalate a little with you if she wants and building comfort too. Your problem is your escalation is going from zero to 100 rather than being gradual.

Dwerg1 · 2024-11-06T00:09:39+00:00

Alright, I'll do some interpretation here.

So I let her talk a lot but some girls told me that I don't talk about myself too much. But like how?? All she does is yap and never ask questions to me..

You have to relate to form a connection, there is no relation going on if she's the only one sharing. The solution here is to insert some of your own experiences that relates to what she's talking about when something you can relate to comes up. The point of actively listening here is to relate, to pick up on if her story reminds you of something and then to share what it reminds you of in order to relate.

Do ask questions to get the conversation started or to direct it when it becomes a bit stale, this is a good thing. She expects you to share some thoughts about what she's saying so she can get to know you as well, just as your getting to know her through directing the conversation with questions. The point is to get to know each other, not for you to direct her monologue.

But the thing is, at this point the girl either says she doesn't see me as a romantic interest or either says she isn't ready for a relationship or blah blah. Like I don't get it. Was I too focused on the escalation and wasn't too genuine? Or did I try too much? I need help thanks.

You're not seen as a romantic interest because your escalation isn't sexual enough. You're not doing too much, you're actually doing too little to the point it's barely even seen as escalation, it's too platonic. These women might actually be interested in relationship, but they want a man who can make exciting things happen, such as sex.

Those who say they're not ready for a relationship do so for the same reason, you're doing too little or going too slow. They might just be looking for something casual, but the weak escalation is interpreted as you being more serious and "want to take it slow, get to know her first".

The overall conclusion is that you're too slow and gentle, you're not sexually aggressive enough. You need to escalate faster and be bolder.

CharmingRejector · 2024-11-06T02:54:44+00:00

Having her talk is good. And not revealing too much about yourself creates a sense of mystery about you which is also good. So, don't worry too much about it. Obviously, you've gotta say something, but in these situations you can also milk the silence a bit (but not too much or it just gets awkward).

You probably failed at escalation because you didn't create sexual tension first. This kind of tension might even feel a bit uncomfortable for you, but it should be kinda good as well. Like, you know something is in the air, and it's making you unsure.

So, how do you capitalize on that? Well, keep looking into her eyes for a second longer. Then move a bit closer. That's about it, really. Just doing something as simple as moving a bit closer, increases the sexual tension a lot.

At this point, you'll be able to touch the tension, that's how thick it is. This is when you've gotta escalate. By kissing her. Again, by moving even closer. Perhaps touch her some more.

Triangulate your gaze. Go from one eye, to the other, and to her lipsssss........ Ohh, now it's getting hot in here. So move even closer. But wait a second to see if she'll come for you. And then..... Kiss her bro!

Touching her hand is a strong one too, but it's mostly to check her vibe. Like, is she good with this? A great way to do that really early on is to do what I call the "lingering hand shake". So, just when you've done shaking hands, don't let entirely go of her hand. Loosen up the grip for sure, but don't let go just yet. Keep her hand in yours and see how she reacts. If she keeps it there, it's good. Even better if she cuddles your hand a little. But if she pulls it away fast, you may have to spend more time making her comfortable.

Otherwise joke around. Disagree with her in jest. Misunderstand things she says as if she just made a pass at you or made thing really sexual. If kissing or it's getting hot: Blame her for what you're doing to her lol. (Omg what are you doing to me? I can't stop! etc)

Oh and btw, if she seats herself far away, or opposite to you, you can simply ask her to sit next to you. Pat the chair or pad next to you, and go "C'mere! I don't bite. Come sit with here (pat on the seat)". Like that. If she still keeps her distance, she may not trust you that much yet so you need to build some trust and comfort - or, sadly, she might just not be that into you. Which is cool, cuz then you can find out, and then wrap things up faster so you don't waste time.

Hope this helps!

Chiiiicckkeeennn · 2024-11-06T01:03:51+00:00

Try a more interactive date jnstead of cafe or bar

prictorian · 2024-11-06T18:37:04+00:00

My friend says he learnt a lot from Dan Bacon on YouTube

prithiv_official · 2024-11-06T22:09:28+00:00

What's an open body language?

9NUMBERS9 · 2024-11-07T10:37:27+00:00

CONFIDENCE

No-Heat-591 · 2024-11-07T14:57:57+00:00

let me sums up for you. she has 0 sexual interest in you. she agree to goes on date with you is because she is bored or she nothing better to do at the time and you so happen to ask her out, agree to pay for the meals. who would reject a free meal?

so when you try to make your move she start giving you the excuses because she got 0 sexual interest with you in the first place.

the part that you mention "when you met a girl you want to go for a hug if she has open body language but if not, just a hand shake." why are you trying to make her comfortable? you just have to be yourself. if she is not comfortable with you meaning she has no interest in you. you got your answer, you move on to the next, you don't waste your time and resources. You deciding to change who you are for a girl that you know nothing of is the reason why you lose.

Fuzzy-Seesaw-1531 · 2024-11-06T19:28:55+00:00

I stumbled on this sub and didn't realize it looks like mostly men! Just wanted to give my input as a woman.

It's seductive when a guy comes off as assertiveness vs. aggressive. Assertive is stating how you feel and what you want without attachement to the outcome. Aggressive is being pushy about your agenda without clear consent.

Instead of handshaking or just going for a hug, say, "Can I give you a hug?" Instead of just putting your hands on her back... say"im feeling drawn to get closer to you. Can I put my arm around you? Or if you're at a table across from each other, I find it more intimate to move so you're at the side. But you're showing self-awareness and restraint. That is hot and builds tension. I instanstly feel safer with a guy i just meet if i know from the front end, they will check in with my boundaries. It feels safe to progress physically faster. If you violate my boundaries from the get go then it brings the walls up quickly. Stay away from rape culture myths of just going for it too quickly.

I love that you do reflective listening! Hallelujah! Emotional intelligence is sexy! If she feels like she's just being interviewed by you, though, it's not. If you're not getting reciprocation, You could say "I notice I'm asking you a lot of questions. Do you have anything you're curious about me?" Or you can say, "I'll invite you to ask me a question now" -that's hot. It's calling out the one-sided dynamic out in a playful way and shows you're not just a puppy dog.

Good luck to you! I think there's lots of good advice being given, also some not so great. Remember assertive not aggressive.

Lonely_Computer_2058 · 2024-11-06T02:06:44+00:00

I have a similar issue. I think I need to escalate more too, but I think a lot of women are flaky because they have plenty of options. I only go for women I consider 8-10 for dates so these women will naturally have more suitors.

I think we can be more flirty and touchy early on as well as just work on our game and speaking skills.

heartrob22 · 2024-11-06T02:23:24+00:00

Then don't escalate the things first I guess...start with casual meet for some days, know her interest first and know if she is open minded about being touched or not...what if she is looking for hookup or just wants to meet simply

Title	Why do I always fail on escalating on a date
Author	Artium99
Upvotes	37
Comments	21
Date	November 5, 2024 11:37 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1gkkrq2/why_do_i_always_fail_on_escalating_on_a_date/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/why-do-i-always-fail-on-escalating-on-a-date.1534762 https://theredarchive.com/post/1534762

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