If I file (first)

clvitte · 2025-01-21T22:22:31+00:00

the control won't change, you have to not only threaten, you have to follow through, otherwise you're doing to her the same thing she does to you.

but to answer the question, yes, of course you can back out, you can get all the way to the courthouse and at the last minute tell the judge you don't want it, and if she agrees, case is dismissed without cause, and the only ones happy at that point are the lawyers

Unusual_University14 · 2025-01-21T04:43:36+00:00

If she threatens divorce "and take the kids" as a way to control you, why do you think she'll be trustworthy once you call the bluff.

So, yeah, you can always back out and withdraw the divorce. Hell you could remarry her after the divorce if you wanted.

But how could you ever trust her again?

hazalo9 · 2025-01-20T20:39:17+00:00

Bro, make a decision and stick by it. You are making decisions based on her emotional decisions. This has led you to where you are now and the children are suffering for it. If you continue to do this it will only get worse. This happened to me. She filed after a year of not getting along then I counter filed. We got back together after 6 months cause we "made up". Then after about 3 months the issues came back up and she started threatening with divorce. I made a decision and filed, I didn't want my children to go thru all the BS again. I lost big $ and time. Take care of your own well being cause your kids need you. You can file and get back with her once the divorce is done. Be smart and good luck bro!

regertsrus · 2025-01-20T20:23:47+00:00

Filing first acomplishes NOTHiNG except the opportunity for her to despise you for it. While i did file first, it wasnt for any other reason besides her being a pathological liar and cheat. I hate her and the feeling is mutual which is why i have over a dozen cps, cops and sherriffs visits all based on countless lies she makes up which she will need to answer for soon

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2025-01-20T19:16:59+00:00

My question is let's say I file, can I back out if she does a 180? I know I'm dreaming.

Yes, you can withdraw the filing. That said, she can counter file and then you're still in it.

If she does nothing after you withdraw she would have to file on her own.

No_Pace2396 · 2025-01-20T15:15:25+00:00

Filing first can be somewhat protective, and with your case, may help. You don’t have to have her served It freezes things for YOU. Not her. Organize finances and accounts, prepare for divorce, file but don’t serve. She decides to file or find out and launches with a false DV charge or just takes off with kids it will look retaliatory and you won’t be blindsided.

Once you’ve filed, protect yourself against abuse, false or real. Record all interactions. If she lays a hand on you or threatens you, raise it to soccer player drama level and pursue an RO. Prepare financially since if she finds out but hasn’t been served, she can do what she wants financially until she is served.

Once you are 100% ready, get her to counseling so you can both discuss and try to mutually decide on divorce. It’s called discernment counseling. From there you can tell if the threats are idle or agree on a low conflict divorce.

For her, running off with the kids or false DV is the more advantageous path, and sorting it out in court will be slow and costly, and no matter her transgressions, it won’t be assured that you’ll be successful. Silver bullet divorce.

Depending on local laws you can withdraw the petition without her knowing months later, and she’ll never know unless she goes to a divorce lawyer later.

warwww · 2025-01-20T08:21:01+00:00

It’s no way to live. You’d be living like a chicken under a milk crate with a stick propping it up and a string attached to said stick. Mines filed as a way to “punk” me into submission, or whatever that means. She comes from a family that extols divorce and her mom literally dances around at hers (divorced as well - go figure), bear in mind we had toddlers aged 8months and 2 years at the time, guess who she listened to?

I realized that I could not live with myself being with someone that doesn’t want to be with me or see the value in her own family to fight for it. When she said she wanted a divorce I simply said “ok” and immediately began packing my stuff; in fact I didn’t even let her finish her speech - once the words “I want a divorce” touched my ears It’s was as if a switch had flipped in that instant for me - granted I wasn’t leaving without a custody order in place but still I could not pretend to look at her the same seeing how little her own family she created meant to her.

Cue the custody battle and endless list of false accusations. It still puzzles me how she went from berating me weekly to all of a sudden being in fear of her life when she was vying for sole physical and legal custody. The latest one being sexual all. Against our 3 year old daughter just a few weeks ago. I’ve already got 50/50 custody and has for many months but she won’t stop. I don’t even look at her anymore, I mean to stoop so low as to suggest that your own 3 year old daughter…. I’m more disappointed in myself for having laid with her, I have to carry that disappointment for the rest of my life.

upvotersfortruth · 2025-01-20T07:42:38+00:00

Partners threaten divorce for three reasons: (1) they actually want a divorce, (2) they have a big problem with the relationship but can't communicate it in a healthy way, and (3) they want to control their partner through threats.

Provided she wants (1), then it doesn't matter when you file. But question - why hasn't she filed yet? Given the time period over which the threats have been occurring, I'd wager it's (2) or (3). In which case, filing without warning against her will be a disaster and you will awaken a new level of nastiness. Divorcing someone who doesn't want to be divorced usually elicits a "scorched earth" policy.

At the same time, you don't need to accept this abusive behavior. But the problem with trying to "fix" it is that the built up resentment (in the case of #2) is essentially impossible for her to get over. In the case of #3 (control issues) you need to get out anyway and will just have to weather the storm.

Long story short, if she wants to divorce you, she probably would have filed already unless she's sticking around for the kids. If she's using divorce threats to control you, you need out anyway. If she is a bad communicator who is expressing her needs through divorce threats, since it's been x years to get to her breaking point of threatening divorce and now 2 years of that - the resentment will be difficult, if not impossible, to get past and continue with the relationship.

First step is to figure out which of those it is, then decide when and how to proceed with the divorce. File and find out is not your optimal test of this.

Commercial_Music_931 · 2025-01-20T05:38:02+00:00

Your ganna have to cobra Kai this shit dude but make sure you've got the muscle to back it up when the unreal accusations come out. Record everything you can. Wishing you the best luck sir.

Faceater25 · 2025-01-20T05:35:36+00:00

Be ruthless.

Good luck brother.

Vollen595 · 2025-01-20T05:11:03+00:00

Similar situation here. Or was.

The threats and abuse from my. Ow ex went on for years. I started recording it. So glad I did because women have an ace up their sleeves: SA and abuse allegations. I recorded my ex threatening to accuse me of it. Also she was threatening our kid when I wasn’t around (illegal to use the second one but it led me to ask the ex about it, she admitted it and I recorded that admission is legal). Financially I was in no way ready for a divorce but once it involved my kid and her well being, it’s a new game. I asked my now ex to move out. When I did, our daughter also asked her to move out and she did. Once I filed for divorce and the statement of facts was read to a judge, my ex earned a restraining order. When I asked for primary custody, I got it. And it got worse for her in divorce court. My daughter asked to stay in the house with me so she could finish school (15 at the time) and the court agreed. I kept the house as well as being granted child support. The court also mandated my ex meet certain conditions for solo visitation. My ex never met any of them.

Don’t come unarmed. Every family court anywhere has heard abuse allegations, they don’t care. Unless you can prove them.

Your STBX will at a minimum try and pull a 180. At the worst, nuke you with something indefensible and it will take years if ever to dig out of that hole. Emotional and psychological abuse is real. My ex tortured us both for years and I fear what might have happened if I had not covered my ass and recorded her plans against me. Your STBX is not your friend. If she’s that abusive, and your kids are being harmed by it- time to go all in but have proof before you pull the trigger. Take care of your kids, then yourself. My kid has PTSD from her mom and (shockingly) there was a LOT more I discovered after I filed. You might be shocked at what your kids will tell you once they are removed from an abusive situation. There’s no real price on that.

Strike first before she does. It can happen. You already know she can’t play nice.

LearnGrowExist · 2025-01-20T04:53:59+00:00

Process often states you can back out after beginning the filing… That said, be cautious about a 180° - or holding onto any hope about her at all - if that is even a real possibility. Chances are she may change for a moment but not long term. I’d recommend finding men who have been through it and can help you remember who she has been to you for what seems like a good long while now. If she changes, is it just because she’s become uncomfortable with where her own decisions have led her?

Title	If I file (first)
Author	Ok-Patience2152
Upvotes	21
Comments	23
Date	January 20, 2025 4:41 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1i5ibhu/if_i_file_first/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/if-i-file-first.1541648 https://theredarchive.com/post/1541648

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