Needing a man’s perspective

NO_PRND · 2020-04-02T17:14:44+00:00

There's a lot to unpack here. I was just divorced after 20 years so I get it. The one thing that stood out to me is the arguing. I grew up in a household where my parents argue constantly and made a pledge to not put my child through that. So I didn't and I try to maintain a peaceful household even when I'm mad I try to talk and not argue there's a difference he may have just gotten to a point where he was looking for some peace and no more arguing.

whatever his reasons were. Know that he definitely did not do this lightheartedly there was a lot behind it.

jeffrrw · 2020-04-02T17:44:19+00:00

My question is though we’ve heard and joked about a midlife crisis, is this a midlife crisis?

Said he’d be a better father after the divorce since we were arguing so much. We’d been together 17 years, married 13. He’s 49... Traded in the family car for a high speed Audi. Lost weight, grew a goatee, ordered new clothes from stitch fix, continually spoke about his deceased father.

I imagine the death of his father weighed heavily on his heart and he didn't know how to articulate that pain which lead to constant fighting as he became sullen and depressed. The most recent triggers were probably caused by you where you were frustrated with him not helping etc. and he internalized that surface level drama as the deep trauma of losing his father and came to the conclusion that the life he built with you was the source of all of his problems.

The definition of midlife crisis is apt: A midlife crisis is a transition of identity and self-confidence that can occur in middle-aged individuals, typically 45–55 years old. The phenomenon is described as a psychological crisis brought about by events that highlight a person's growing age, inevitable mortality, and possibly lack of accomplishments in life. This may produce feelings of intense depression, remorse, and high levels of anxiety, or the desire to achieve youthfulness or make drastic changes to their current lifestyle or feel the wish to change past decisions and events.

Can men flip a switch on being in love? I’d like the opinion of the divorced men.

Honestly, no one can flip a switch like that besides psychopathic/highly narcissistic/cluster B personality individuals in my experience. He probably needed to get counseling after the death of his father. His projected anger probably hurt you and then you redirected the anger back at him thus spiraling it further. Relationship counseling would have been important here. The management of ones own emotional world and how they react to external influences is so important. If there was a sudden breakdown in his world view and it was treated with hostility in lieu of gently, then it would exacerbate the back lash.

deadlast5 · 2020-04-02T17:27:13+00:00

Everyone goes through a midlife crisis.

Some people look down the path they are going and run away. Some people try and change their things about that path. Some people fill their life with material things to help them ignore their path. Some people become more spiritual. Some people become self destructive.

When I hit my crisis. I got a new job and moved to a new state. Kept my family.

When my ex hit her crisis. She ran.

Now I only get my kids half the time.

playerknowmore · 2020-04-02T20:24:35+00:00

I have seen women give a man good reason for leaving. Those women men fight tooth and nail to keep. Others a small disagreement that they should have worked out before they got married will bolt for the argument that are result.

Your husband kind of sounds like the work after college; works hard to advance, and looks up one day and thinks he missed something. Maybe he didn't experience enough women, or he see an opportunity to be one of the cool kids.

I think I did just the opposite; never dated serious until most of my friends were married and divorced. Family events with a new woman every time. At some point in my mid thirties I wanted a family. That was my middle crisis. I met my wife and was married in a year the babies came quickly after that.

I spend my days working or driving someone here or there.Two daughters and a son its constant chaos. I love my wife, but more than that I love how my family makes me feel. I don't see how people can turn that off. Oh and you can still be married and have a fast car; I drive an Audi R6.

From your story it's hard to tell where your husband priorities changed. But a woman who wants to be married and has proven she can do it faithfully for seventeen years; makes you something special, so I'm sure you will find that lasting love.

lemmingsrevenge · 2020-04-02T16:59:22+00:00

Could be a midlife crisis, could be a reawakening, could be that he now feels empowered to do what he wants. The truth of the matter is he probably was going through the motions for a while, and the balance of how much his sense of duty and his sense of this is my life i've got to live it probably flipped. Men can only take so much of a dead routine marriage. It's as much your fault as it was his. if you don't invest in a marriage it withers and dies.

oktyca · 2020-04-02T17:56:34+00:00

It's a fine line between midlife crisis and changing your individual priorities. At the end of the day, you only have one life to live and if you feel you are not getting what you want/need, some people will end up making radical decisions. Unfortunately, not fully considering the ramifications to those around them.

His "being in love" with you is most likely overshadowed by his need for change.

I'm sure you've heard it before and I struggle with it everyday, but you cant control how a person feels or how their feelings have changed. Instead you can appreciate the wonderful experiences that were had, learn from the pain, and move on to reseek those aspects of of life that make you happy.

ffwd · 2020-04-03T02:12:10+00:00

Uh, I would say the same thing for my soon to be ex wife, so I think its just a people thing.

bowhunter6 · 2020-04-02T16:58:44+00:00

Some men will only tolerate so much of a woman’s bullshit before they decide the juice isn’t worth the squeeze.

Ask me how I know.

LandOnMyFeet · 2020-04-02T17:38:15+00:00

I’ve done a good amount of therapy with both a male and female counselor. Both said something like there is no such thing as s midlife crisis. People just don’t know what to call it or have to put a label on it.

Matters of the heart are the most difficult things in life.

Both counselors called it an awakening, but it depends on what you do when you start to awaken or realize you’ve awaken.

Me, male 60, awakened a couple of years ago. Started counseling for myself, engaged in counseling with STBX and decided as life gets shorter I don’t want to live the way we are living any more.

So some bail without doing any work with or for current spouse, and some try.

My opinion is your probably better off with someone interested in working on a relationship/marriage.

No relationship is 50/50 but if the all emotional and physical effort comes from you; you will always come up short.

Not a good way to live a healthy satisfying life with or without a partner.

Hope this helps.

Big_Daddy_PDX · 2020-04-02T21:02:31+00:00

You’ve provided very little information here to evaluate; namely the structure and quality of your marital / emotional / sexual relationship.

That being said, since you asked, it takes a tremendous amount of strength to move to divorce a long-term partner. That says a lot. I have a little perspective since initiated my divorce at a similar time period from my(48) Ex(52) about 4yrs ago after almost 17yrs married.

You say your husband says “a switch turned off” in his head. Totally understand. That’s what the person that is so frustrated with their marriage says. He was tired of the fighting or arguing or bickering or no sex or attitude from you. As a defense mechanism, we will cut the offending person out of our life. That helps open him to the possibility that there are other people he could be happy with.

Not a mid-life crisis. He most likely struggled with this decision for years. Maybe even telling you he was tired of fighting. He’s done.

djjayblade · 2020-04-02T17:21:20+00:00

I carried the double duty of work, finances and all the household work for many years for my ex who had health issues, depression etc. I begged the ex to help and make SOME change to improve her condition. Exercise, diet, therapy... Anything and after 9 years of the same excuses, I got caregiver syndrome where I couldn't take the stress, arguing, her carelessness and lack of responsibility anymore and gave her a choice. I mentally shifted to think about life without her and felt I'd be better off. Once we separated, then she magically decided to go to rehab and get off her med addiction because she knew it wouldn't look good in court for custody if she didn't try. I dealt with it for too long and switched off. I did love her and it was hard.

408tentop · 2020-04-02T19:34:43+00:00

He was compromising who he was when he was with you. Midlife crisis? Absolutely not. He's never been better!

wasitmethewholetime · 2020-04-02T16:56:28+00:00

Definitely a midlife crisis.

ETA: I’m not a man. Sorry. But still, this is definitely a midlife crisis. A man can fall out if love with his wife. But this guy also pretty much left his kid behind.

TryToHelpPeople · 2020-04-02T21:44:11+00:00

I don’t think men can particularly flip a switch, but I think it happens to many people. I think that the death of his father has a large part to play here.

There’s a TED talk by Esther Perel that helped me enormously through the breakup of my marriage. It might help you too. It’s called “Why do happy couples cheat ?”. And even though there was no cheating in my marriage, and there seems not to be in yours, it’s about people making decisions that are hugely destructive to their relationships, even when they have a happy relationship.

https://youtu.be/P2AUat93a8Q

Hope it helps.

ludwigvonmisess · 2020-04-02T17:31:40+00:00

Men need to sow their wild oats, no matter how good a marriage is. You could offer an open relationship, perhaps.

Title	Needing a man’s perspective
Author	iiiiiithrowaway
Upvotes	10
Comments	47
Date	April 2, 2020 4:50 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ftprx0/needing_a_mans_perspective/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/needing-a-mans-perspective.818379 https://theredarchive.com/post/818379

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