This is something Lundy Bancroft mentioned in his book and it will be easier to spot once you learn about it. Manipulators will make you and others believe you’re at fault and you may find flying monkeys coming at you or even one day find a relationship post where everyone is calling for your trip to the gallows. But, as we see every day, a lot of people think women have no right to be upset at well....a lot of things. That’s why I invite you to share your experience here, so we can learn from all of this.

Here are some examples:

- In his book, Lundy talks about men who have been in therapy and learned the psychology lingos. Then, they use it, not to better themselves, but to pick apart their female partner’s reasons to be upset at them and conclude there must be something wrong with her and to give her a diagnosis.
- My ex would read about emotional abuse and would use things learned to call me an abuser. For example, if he did or said something that hurt me deeply, he would brush it off, pretend he doesn’t see why I’m upset, leave and then come back pretending nothing has happened. If I dared to still be upset, he’d call me abusive for lowering his self esteem, being mean to him for being mad and starting fights. Ok I would say, and consider it a free pass to do the same thing as he would say it’s nbd. Now he would shatter into millions of pieces and want a discussion. I would say hey, but that’s what you did, why is it suddenly not ok? He’d then call me emotionally abusive for diverting issue from his problem to mine. In retrospect, pure lmao.
- He’d also send me articles about healthy communication as he couldn’t stand things not being said to him in absolute nice manner full of smiles. Yeah, no. No matter how nicely things were said, he’d break down. The wikihow guide, to my huge surprise, had a decent text and a warning how manipulators learn to express themselves in “healthy way” to gain what they want. Here’s an example I can make out of that knowledge: ”We’ve been in the relationship for a year and I feel deep intimacy with you (FAKE INTIMACY AND MAKE A VICTIM FEEL CLOSER TO YOU, SOFTEN THE BLOW, TAKE DEFENSES DOWN). I feel you don’t feel the same because you never offered me anal (BANG THE SHOT HAS BEEN FIRED LOADED WITH GUILT). I‘m so thankful to have a girlfriend who is open to all of my pornography tastes. I’ve never felt closer to anyone like that before. That being said, you know how much I did anal with my ex and you said you understand me having to grieve over my last relationship and taking my time to talk about it. So I wonder why you never offered it? I understand you might feel insecure that I did it so much with her and that’s why you’re staying away. I’m here with all my love and support and I’ll wait patiently for you to warm up into it! Please let me know when you want to do it. I love you a lot and I hope we have a lot of fun on my birthday next week!” (BANG NOW IT WILL ALL BE HER IDEA)

Do you recognize some of these in your life/past relationships?