Boyfriend lied

Cautious-Heart7354 · 2024-02-05T17:21:22+00:00

What sort of thing was it? You don't have to tell me, but that might change the answer.

Wife_and_Mama · 2024-02-05T18:38:06+00:00

You're probably going to need to share more details to get any useful advice on this. Personally, lying has always been a pretty big red flag for me. I'm a very honest person, even to a fault. If it's a small lie, what's the point? If it's a big lie, it's a big lie. I just can't wrap my head around the motivation.

rosesonthefloor · 2024-02-05T20:47:51+00:00

Hmm. This is a tough one. Did he perhaps have a past relationship that might put his actions in context? Not excusing his behavior, but if he had an ex who would blow up at things or question what he was doing, it might be an old habit that he did without thinking, and then he panicked and lied on the spot thinking that it wasn’t a big deal and was worried about fallout. That’s a generous reading though.

Honestly, if things are as good as you say, I would be straight up with him. “Hey babe, do you have a minute? I found out that you were actually at X this weekend, and I’m just wondering why you didn’t say anything? You know I don’t mind you going to places like that, so I’m kinda hurt and confused that you didn’t feel like you could tell me. Can you help me understand?”

And then let him respond. The key thing here is how he handles it. If he owns up to it and acknowledges/apologizes, that’s a good sign. But if he gets defensive and turns it back on you, that would make me more concerned.

During the convo, also try and focus on listening to understand rather than to respond. And you can try and soften the blow with positive/validating statements (I.e., I understand, that makes sense, etc.). And basically just try and offer him the benefit of the doubt when you chat.

Obviously YMMV and you can adapt the above to suit what feels most natural for your relationship, but ultimately I wouldn’t be able to just let it lie. Others may suggest just leaving it be, but I believe you should be able to talk about these things in a relationship. Good luck!

plein_old · 2024-02-05T20:08:19+00:00

They say people who easily lie about small things will also lie about big things.

Since you're already with him... Maybe you can avoid bringing up the specific thing he lied about, and in a certain moment when it feels right, just tell him in general how much you appreciate it when people do not lie, and go on and on about it a bit, how much you love that quality in people, and see how he responds.

He either needs to absorb some of your values, over time, or it's possible a difference in values could present a problem eventually.

aussiedollface2 · 2024-02-05T21:10:29+00:00

What’s his motive for lying? Basically nobody lies without motive so try consider that (eg. You wouldn’t like the event, he went with/caught up with someone else there).

Suspicious-Side7068 · 2024-02-06T04:01:39+00:00

If you have freaked out on him or begged him not to go somewhere in the past, or expressed jealousy in the past, that could be the reason he didn't tell you about it.

If you have not done those things, then his actions are more suspicious.

RatchedAngle · 2024-02-05T17:28:22+00:00

What is a graceful way to approach this situation that will allow him to explain himself and not feel attacked?

Men are rational and logical (whereas women are emotional and sensitive). Just be direct and honest. A HVM values honesty above all and does not play head games. HVM do not lie to “protect your feelings” or “avoid making you upset.” HVM face challenges head-on.

This will be a good chance to vet him and decide if you want to move forward with the relationship or not.

NationalMouse · 2024-02-06T07:22:03+00:00

In my experience, if a man thinks he could get away with lying once, it means he has no problem lying in the future and has probably lied before. Absolute dealbreaker for me. I’d confront him about it head on and tell him you know the truth and you’d like to know why he lied, then take some time to decide whether you want to continue the relationship after the trust is now broken.

Left-Entertainer2556 · 2024-02-06T15:43:57+00:00

Sorry I wrote this in spanish I'm too tired to think in english

Mira yo creo que tendrías que hablar de eso con él. Preguntale qué fue lo que lo llevó a mentirte con respecto a eso, que realmente no tenía razón para hacerlo y que te sentiste herida/traicionada. Pregunta por qué sentía que tenía que ocultarte algo así. Porque sinceramente no veo razones para que él te mienta con algo tan pequeño y que supongo que en su relación no sería un tema de discusión

ArdentBandicoot · 2024-02-06T00:17:39+00:00

Weird. Just casually say "how was xxx?" When he's back. See if he realises he lied to you. Possible he didn't mean to lie but it actually slipped his mind he was going?

Visible-Roll-5801 · 2024-02-05T19:12:18+00:00

I kinda think all men lie. Unfortunately. There is a space where we all lie and some things don’t matter, but it is hard not to think that if he is ok with lying, especially since you asked him directly, that he probably lies about more significant things.

Just from my personal experience, it depends on how long youve been together too. I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year and there are things that I found out the lied about in the first 3 months of dating. I can’t unsee these however , they weren’t about anything significant and that is somewhat of a trial period of a relationship so I let it go. If I found out he lied to me now though, that’s a different story.

Visible-Roll-5801 · 2024-02-05T19:13:03+00:00

I’ve also found that men usually default to feeling attacked so not sure if this is avoidable but may I suggest a little game playing lol. It really does depend on the situation though

AutoModerator · 2024-02-05T17:14:52+00:00

Title: Boyfriend lied

Author Trisaratop36

Full text: I inadvertently came upon some information and waited to see if my boyfriend would tell me on his own or not.

He did not. And when I asked him directly (not revealing that I knew the truth) he lied to me.

Now I’m unsure how to proceed forward. What’s difficult is this isn’t even a big deal or something that I feel like he should lie about?? And I’m not the type of person who gets mad and blows up about things anyway- which he knows. He also knows how much I value honesty. So I feel very hurt and confused about this and I’m not sure if or how I should tell him that I know the truth?

I don’t want to come across as accusatory, but I also don’t want him to think that I’m just naive / he can get away with lying to me?

What is a graceful way to approach this situation that will allow him to explain himself and not feel attacked?

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katnipbee09 · 2024-02-06T08:44:07+00:00

be calm when you talk to them. when people are caught in a lie they can get very defensive, so being calm helps.

tell him you know he went to whatever it was, and ask why he felt like he needed to lie to you. if he doubles down take it as a warning sign. if he admits to it, have a talk about honest within your relationship. for you guys to work you both need to be honest, especially when it comes to the things you think you need to hide from your partner.

tossedaccountsalad1 · 2024-02-07T08:15:16+00:00

"HE LEFT TOWN"

unless he's driving to a different state or doing a TCAP tier travel event, there's no reason to flip about this.

The reason your boyfriend lied is probably the same reason why you got so upset. You're on his back. Lay off a bit and have healthy distance; neither of you should be prisoners to each other.

Trisaratop36 · 2024-02-09T14:10:38+00:00

Thanks for all the helpful comments!

I think I just wanted to get it off my chest- and I generally try not to say anything “bad” about my boyfriend to my personal friends because I don’t want to shine a negative light on him, and they tend to be the types to jump to worst case scenario/burn him at the stake, so I try avoid anything like that.

I enjoy the insight of this group and how most everyone here wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and didn’t blow things out of proportion.

After a few days of mulling it over and trying to decide whether it was worth it to bring it up, I eventually did, but was careful to phrase it like an innocent/ curious question and not at all like I was upset or accusing him of anything. ( like I said before, this wasn’t a big deal or something I would even be upset about, it was just the secrecy that was concerning)

We talked about things everything is fine 😊

Title	Boyfriend lied
Author	Trisaratop36
Upvotes	8
Comments	33
Date	February 5, 2024 5:14 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1ajlqst/boyfriend_lied/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/boyfriend-lied.1244663 https://theredarchive.com/post/1244663

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