Ex-military here. Just saying that. The title is meaningless to me, but I think it gives me some degree of respect here, however unwarranted.

Let me give you a very quick rundown of my story. I was ultra beta back when I was 17/18/19 ish. My girlfriend basically ran away from me. I was REALLY beta. Very sulky and needy. At the time, I didn't realize this was a huge turn-off for her.

After she broke up with me, she promptly jumped in the sack with another guy, someone who she reported a much bigger dong. This was devastating to my self-esteem. Absolutely crushed me. I felt alone.

This is when I started really getting into TRP stuff. I was going to the gym a lot, joined the army, and was honing that 'Alpha' state of mind as they say.

Obviously, this was a mask for my deep insecurity. Because deep down I felt utterly worthless.

Believing I was perceiving fact, I acted on what my senses were telling me - so to speak. I thought, "I'm not hard enough. I'm not big enough. I'm not manly enough" etc etc etc.

And so I worked on all these qualities, I really put in the effort to act the part - "fake it till you make it"... but despite that, my insecurity never really went away. At a certain point, looking back, I was actually quite objectively attractive. I actually remember a girl calling me a "10", but that went WAY over my head. I thought she was just delusional or something. When I looked around, all I saw was girls not really paying attention to me, and I was had a hard time getting laid. I acted confident, but it still felt like a mask over by insecurity.

This continued for a few years, dated a girl for a year or so, then there was a time when I was actually getting laid quite a lot. I mean, a new girl every couple weeks kind of thing. This again was like, "oh I'm awesome I'm getting laid a lot" but there was no content. You understand what I mean? It was like an empty shell. I thought I would feel good. This was everything I built myself up to be, a plate-spinner. But it was empty... except for those few minutes of sex, where I was distracted from my insecurity and deep feelings of loneliness, I didn't really feel happy at all. I didn't feel like I "had" anything, despite having everything on paper - if that makes sense.

I told myself that if I was

With small moments of happiness, but mostly just kind of insecurity

One of those girls eventually became my girlfriend. And even though she was very attractive, I was haunted by thoughts of her cheating, jealousy, and then of course there was this controlling side that is expressed from this insecurity. And then I would suppress that controlling side and pretend not to give a shit but deep down I still felt really insecure and fearful that I would lose her.

The truth was I just didn't want to be alone, really. But my constant fear and insecurity was preventing me from experiencing those moments of joy and love I had been seeking, and the very thing they promise to maintain.

Fundamentally, I just didn't know how to deal with insecurity. For that period of 5 years I was doing the best I could. And I think we are all doing the best we can given what looks real to us.

Now I'll share with you what shifted for me, and that is that is two things. The first, is that I didn't understand the role of thought in my life. I didn't actually understand the root of insecurity.

I didn't see that I was generating my insecurity through insecure thoughts. I thought my mind was like a camera, observing the reality of a situation, in reality it was like a projector. I thought situations and circumstances were making me feel insecure - the way she looks at another guy or whatnot. But it was inside-out. My own thoughts create that feeling of insecurity in me.

The mind is a trippy thing, it's almost as if our own thoughts are 'outside' us.

We make a lot of stuff up in our head, and it feels very real to us, and then it begins to look more real, so we think about it more, etc etc. It's really quite simple but I couldn't see it at the time.

The other half, is that feelings of wellness, happiness, love, and security are built-in. They're just what's left when the mind isn't occupied with insecure thoughts. Don't just take my word for it, see for yourself. You can spend a whole day ruminating over something bothering you, making you feel like crap, and have one instant in seeing that you're doing it to yourself using thought.

I like to think of the mind as kind of like a pond. You drop a rock in it (a thought) and it ripples out. If it's an insecure or fearful thought, it disturbs the innate peace. But the pond has a way of rebalancing itself on its own when we stop throwing rocks at it. Without interference in any way on our part. It's kind of like there's a "deeper" mind that brings us back to that state of peace & clarity automatically.

And I really saw that. Like, really saw it. When I did, the whole structure of behavior I had developed over the years to mask, deal with, and suppress my insecurity basically evaporated. It was no longer necessary.

For the first time in my life I had no need to control my girlfriend (this was another girlfriend by then). I had no more jealousy. And I wasn't afraid to "lose" her because the good feelings we share together I know can be found anywhere.

There's a beautiful simplicity in this. Not only is thought the root of insecurity gone, and therefor no need to create a persona to deal with it, but also, the very thing that persona is trying to seek, maintain, and protect can never be lost. It's poetic, almost.

Anyway, this realization happened two years ago, and peace of mind, happiness, and love has been virtually a consistent experience. I rarely ever get insecure, and when I do, I quickly just laugh at the thoughts, wondering how I fell for them for 5 years.

... Just to add... I know it this may provoke a journey of pulling out the weeds of insecure thoughts. But that's unnecessary. All we really need to do to see once, clearly, that our experience is coming from thought in every moment, and that thought is made up. When we see that, we just won't take them seriously anymore. Also, our emotions can serve as barometers to let us know when we're actively feeding into insecure thoughts. So we have a built-in feedback system that lets us know when we've deviated from that default-wellbeing experience.

PS I'm not alpha anymore. I haven't really gone to the gym in a while. I'm quite soft because I don't really feel the need to defend my image. I'm just genuinely myself. Not my insecure self though. But not a fake persona.