Maybe you’ve struggled with breakups. If you loved them once, it’s okay to want to be in each other’s lives and happily watch them grow beyond you, right?

Sure, if you find someone mature enough to do that. For the rest of us, it’s scrotes all the way down!

Once your beloved man is out of the picture, whatever semblance of a mask he had on comes crumbling down. Your new “friend” will suddenly have an enormous bag of manipulative tricks handy that you simply weren’t exposed to before.

  • If you left him, he’ll guilt-trip you. (In my case, an ex who left me did this as well. Make it make sense)
  • He WILL triangulate you, trying to convince you he’s already got a new girlfriend and is head over heels in love. (He probably has a small army of women he’s orbiting for casual sex, but a real girlfriend, probs not)
  • He will try to “check on” you to make sure you’re not a depressed puddle of tears without him (You might be, and that’s okay, but he wants to hear and see you pining over him, not because he misses you, but because he wants to see you suffer)
  • He will dig up complaints about you that you’ve never heard before. This is a thinly-veiled attempt to convince himself you weren’t all that (which, let’s be real, you were), but he will try to make you feel like he’s been considering breaking up with you all along. Toddlers do this. “I didn’t want that ice cream cone ANYWAY”
  • He might just so happen to have a wonderful gift for you that he was tooootally going to give to you when you were together, but you might as well come get it now. (There is no gift. Best case scenario, it’s more of a gift for himself than for you. Worst case, he intends to get you drunk and/or rape you)
  • If you left anything at his place, it’s his now, because he is going to hold that stuff hostage (whether he has an immediate use for it or not.) I had a male roommate once whose ex never came back for the underwear she left. He kept it for YEARS, then tried to give the (USED) panties to me. And when I moved out, he pretended he could withhold my deposit if I didn’t come get a pair of shoes I left behind. 🙄
  • He will PESTER you for “breakup sex” as if it’s the least you could do. Because I’m sure that’s exactly what you want from the scrote you escaped from: one last 30-second sweaty jackhammer session
  • He will hound you for “closure.” This might be my personal ax to grind, but ladies, please hear me out when I say that closure does not exist in relationships with men. “Closure” is a man’s last-ditch attempt to lure you back in. I have never had a male partner insist on a closure talk without making one last pitch for sad loser dick
  • He will try everything to allude to you that he’s changed in all the ways you were hoping for in the miraculously short amount of time since you left. He won’t have any evidence of such changes, but he’ll switch up his language to sound a little more emotionally intelligent, a little more self-aware, a little more caring and responsible. This is especially true if you fucked up and told him why you were breaking up with him in the first place, which gives LVM ammunition to blend your desires into his smoke and mirrors show.
  • He will try to establish a sense of mystery around him, complete with elaborate stories about exciting adventures you weren’t around for. What have I been up to? Who have I been with? Don’t you wanna know? He will pause emphatically before mentioning any new female character in his tales, making sure to think reeeeal hard about whether she’s “a friend” or, gasp, something more!

LVM spend every waking moment of their days thinking about using women, so it should come as no surprise that the LVM you just left will have strategized on how to reclaim lost supply. You do not need to be friends with your exes. Any pain you might have felt about the breakup will hopefully begin to taper off when you realize how little you—a unique, loving, clever and compassionate woman in the world—seem to matter in his schemes. Just the other day you thought you meant something to him, but his redpilled “tactics” to get you back will feel shockingly similar to the same garbage they use on complete strangers on OLD.

That’s what he thinks of you, sis. Hindsight 20/20. Dry your tears and MOVE ON.