Husband sleeps in till late on weekends, even if we've got daytime plans?

Jagc1123 · 2021-10-03T10:16:56+00:00

Does he game during the weekday? If so is he able to make it to work on time without you forcing him out of bed? It sounds like he just wants to stay up late and game/decompress after working all week but if this is happening everyday obviously it’s a problem. It also sounds like he’s a night owl and your a day person there is some sort of middle ground to be found there. I’m not trying to be judgmental and I don’t know the whole situation but it really seems like you resent him and what he likes to do on his off days which makes you come off as naggy/treating him like a child with reminders of what to do which in turn might make him resent you because it’s almost like you’re his weekend boss. I think you guys need to talk, tell him you want to spend time with him don’t mention gaming is an issue etc. just let him know you miss spending time together. Taking interest in his hobbies may help him see you are making an effort and then he will do the same for you. That being said this is all dependent on the intricacies of your relationship and personalities.

ddeltadt · 2021-10-03T12:58:41+00:00

If he needs to sleep in on weekends because he probably doesn’t get enough sleep during the week and you know this, why not plan things later in the day?

anothergoodbook · 2021-10-03T11:00:19+00:00

Are you planning these dates or is he planning them? I’m going to assume you’re planning them because otherwise it wouldn’t make sense that he would miss them.

Personally my husband likes to unwind with video games and then sleep late on weekends. He is incredibly hard working during the week. It doesn’t make him depressed or anything else. I just know that I can’t make plans for the weekend for us. He hates that. It is either something I go do or it’s something that he wants to do also. Otherwise exactly that same scenario plays out.

And you sound a little naggy and mothering (sorry). What would happen if say: “I’d love to go do xyz.” And plan for yourself to go and invite him. Don’t wake him or anything on the day of - just go and do your thing. And if he joins you it can be on his terms (waking up late or whatever) and if he doesn’t join you - you can still go enjoy yourself.

Edited to add my husbands take on it:

He said initially there’s too many variables to pin it down. He said if you’re making the plans for the both of you then what I said is probably accurate. He said if it’s both of you making the plans and he flakes out like this, he figures he probably gets carried away with video games and isn’t managing his time well. My husband said he likes to play video games and if he’s on there with friends that time essentially blows by without realizing it. If that’s the case, my husband said it’s time for a “hey, you aren’t managing your priorities well and you need to go to bed earlier” talk. But otherwise just go and do what you want. He will figure it out without you waking him up and all that.

SecretFeminine · 2021-10-03T16:14:52+00:00

Heres how I found a happy medium as I am an early riser and my husband a night owl: I pack up the kids early and leave him to rest without the normal bustle and noise...pure rest. Then when he is ready, he meets us. I always plan our couple dates in the evening or late afternoon.

SunshineSundress · 2021-10-03T19:59:15+00:00

It seems like your husband has a lot on his plate. I don’t think men stay up all night playing video games, specifically men who are otherwise hard workers that provide for his family, unless they are feeling particularly stressed.

Honestly, I think you should let him have this way of decompressing. If you need quality time together, perhaps you guys can do something later in the day or at night instead of early in the morning. Perhaps he’s an introvert and after going to work all week, he just wants to be at home to recharge. Maybe you guys can make a special date to do at home: a spa day where you take turns giving each other massages and you get to lounge around in bathrobes and snack on little treats or a candlelit movie-and-dinner night at home with some yummy takeout could have the same effect as a date. Hell, you could even get dressed up, just for him, if that’s what you enjoy about dates! If you have kids, get a babysitter for a few hours so you can spend time together without distractions and responsibilities.

But sometimes, having plans themselves are stressful things to think about, and could be adding to his need to decompress so much. I think the other commenters are right about giving him the space and understanding he needs, without nagging about it or being passive-aggressive. You also say he struggles with undiagnosed depression, so keep that in mind for why he may be acting this way. Give him the support and love and compassion he needs to feel confident enough to make some changes, but understand that it’s ultimately up to him and that you can be a soft place for him to land while he figures it out.

LivelyLychee · 2021-10-03T06:08:27+00:00

Rule 2: Posts with the intent of asking whether or not you are being unreasonable is against the rules, because you are seeking sympathy and reassurance, not advice. I’ve removed the post for this reason.

If you are willing to edit the post, remove the requests for reassurance and sympathy, and actually ask us for advice for what to do with this, then I can approve the post and we can help you. Otherwise, the post is staying locked.

CountTheBees · 2021-10-03T13:10:14+00:00

surely he remembers what it was like to date someone and the amount of effort he used to put into it?

You want him to treat you like he did when you two were dating and he wasn't working to provide for you every weekday?

Like... sure... But then he'd have to find an easier, less stable, less well paying job, so he could take you out on dates and game on weekdays. If he's hardworking, he's hardworking for you, no other reason. Appreciate that, and realise it is much more meaningful for him to bring home the bacon than to take you out on a trip. That's it, that's the grandest gesture of self sacrifice he can make. Everything else pales in comparison. He's already courting you, much much more than when you were dating, you just don't realise it yet.

Men often decompress from work with video games. If it takes 9 hours of gaming for him to decompress, that's what it takes. He can't game like that on weekdays, so he decompresses on the weekend - and if he has a big day trip on Saturday of course he's going to try to fit in the decompression on Friday night! Before he compresses he doesn't feel up to anything else.

Should I just set out for the trip myself and set a boundary that "if you're not ready I'm going anyway"

That's being passive aggressive, not good in a relationship. It won't be as good without him anyway and you'll feel guilty.

Here's what I think (and I've done this before so it works!). Let him sleep in, when he wakes up at 2pm, don't be mad about it, offer him something nice to eat to break the ice, and wait for him to bring it up (he may even forget about the plans). Or he may ask, "hey weren't we supposed to go on the trip?" And then you say, "sure, do you think we still can?" Without a hint of blame. Keep it lighthearted. Then wait for him to come up with a plan. He may say, "nah I'm wrecked, sorry, let's postpone it."

Don't make an issue out of it. You can repeatedly blow off the plans one week, two weeks, etc., without arguing about it. You'll find out whether he really wants to go then or if he just said that because he didn't want to argue with you.

And if after a while, it becomes apparent he can't go because work makes him need to decompress by gaming, and gaming takes up date time, then he may prefer just a simple dinner date rather than a day long trip. Be creative. Plan something shorter. And once he realises he's off the hook for day trips, he may game during the day and go to bed at a reasonable time...

At which point you two take a couple of days of leave from work to go on your trip, or during the Christmas holidays, or some other vacation time.

C0NDITI0NBLACK · 2021-10-03T05:59:53+00:00

It sounds like a lack of motivation, try making plans that he would be interested in attending.

TryLambda · 2021-10-03T07:38:08+00:00

Your husband sounds depressed as F, has he been to a psych, he may need meds

OriginalSkill · 2021-10-03T09:50:01+00:00

It all depends how many time is he gaming. How many hours is he dedicating to the hobby ? Might also be that he just can’t stop himself. How do you know he slept at 3 am and not 6 ? Try to make evening / afternoon plans instead of early morning ones. Or alternate them.

Whisper · 2021-10-03T19:28:09+00:00

He works hard during the week and deserves to sleep in... He will stay in bed until the very last minute.. Sometimes he will be late, and other times I have to wake him myself. We don't have plans that often so it would be 1-2 days a month... He will proceed to play video games till all hours, and stay in bed.

He hates his job, and he's depressed.

softrevolution_ · 2021-10-03T17:05:12+00:00

Who made the plans to go out at that hour?

If he did, I agree that he could maybe honor the plans he made -- but I'm also keeping in mind that he works all week and maybe he needs the gaming outlet in order to shed the stress. I'm a woman and if I've been unable to get "me time" for a long time, some night I'll snap and just stay up late to get it.

Honestly, it's possible that afternoon starting hours are where it's at for you two and it's just something to cope with.

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2021-10-04T15:29:23+00:00

Can’t you just avoid scheduling things early in the day on weekends?

If he works very hard during the week he probably doesn’t want to feel rushed, or wake up early on weekends. I know I wouldn’t.

Sea_Bookkeeper_1533 · 2021-10-05T06:28:43+00:00

I just wanted to post an update and mention that we had an amazing talk and in trying to solve this issue, we ended up solving an additional issue in the relationship. We are recently married so I told him I don't want to have these arguments since they drive a wedge between us and since its not exactly an important issue, I will accept and trust his leadership more often. I've been showered in affection since then. ❤️😊

Title	Husband sleeps in till late on weekends, even if we've got daytime plans?
Author	Sea_Bookkeeper_1533
Upvotes	6
Comments	50
Date	October 3, 2021 5:38 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/q0bm7z/husband_sleeps_in_till_late_on_weekends_even_if/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/husband-sleeps-in-till-late-on-weekends-even-if.1078103 https://theredarchive.com/post/1078103

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