How do I set boundaries in the situation?

samedinuitmort · 2021-10-20T13:03:23+00:00

Holding a boundary doesn’t mean forcing a person to act the way you need them to act. It means being willing to remove yourself from the situation if they cannot act the way you need them to act.

So to enforce a boundary, you need to be willing to leave. If after giving a clear statement - “I’m not okay with this, would you please not do it?” - they won’t change their behaviour, then you need to leave.

Boundaries are not the same as standards either. Standards are like, what you aim for? And boundaries are what you won’t tolerate.

Standards are “must have” but you don’t walk out the second the guy doesn’t have it. You just maybe don’t go on a second date.

Boundaries are “must not do” and you walk out if the guy does.

A boundary could be - please don’t touch me the first time we meet (if you weren’t acquainted before). If he puts his hand on your shoulder, gently and clearly state “sorry, I’m not ready for touching today yet”. If he does it again, leave.

Another boundary could be - I’m not drinking alcohol today. State that when choosing drinks and ordering. If he orders wine and pours it for you, or if he tries to convince you to drink, or if he mocks you or makes you feel strange for your choice, then you leave.

Leaving can be “I’m not really feeling comfortable right now, so I’m gonna go” (if you feel safe) or a bathroom and flee move if you don’t feel safe. Or an in-between - “I’m having really bad stomach cramps and I think I’ll have diarrhea 😃 toodles!”

Hope that helps a bit!

headmatriarchkoko · 2021-10-20T13:11:26+00:00

You can either verbally state your boundaries (but not unprovoked - don't just randomly blurt out that you don't like it when men xyz) or use other non-verbal cues.

Examples:

You and your date are approaching a door. You slow down as you approach and smile at him as a cue for him to open the door for you.
Your date wants to hold your hand but you're not comfortable. You remove yours, smile at him and say "maybe next time".
The bill comes and you smile at him. If your expectation is that he will pay for the both of you and he does not, smile and pay for your share and don't go on another date with this man (personally, if he isn't trying to win you over from the get-go or if he doesn't have any skin in the game, I dip out because I've experienced better and so will you).

Have fun on your first date and most importantly, don't be nervous or feel the need to impress your date! You're there to be shown a good time and to vet based on your personal desires and needs. If your expectations aren't met, I believe it is alright to communicate this a maximum of once (e.g. "please do not touch my butt") and then dip out if your date violates that boundary again. Don't be afraid to walk out if you're not being treated the way you want to be. Know your worth and don't cheapen yourself by letting someone waste your precious time in finding something else worth keeping.

Sunshine_Daisies2525 · 2021-10-20T17:08:54+00:00

In person, when something makes you slightly uncomfortable but you’re not 100% sure:

“No.” Smile.

“What do you mean by that?”

“I don’t like that.” Smile.

When you’re sure it was a red flag, unacceptable, or when he argues about it:

“No.” Smile, stand-up, and walk away.

When texting- Seen … followed by Block, Delete.

You don’t have to explain yourself as to why you don’t like something, don’t agree with something, or get into an argument about it. If his automatic reaction isn’t to reflect and listen, he’s a loser. You also don’t want to feed him the ways he will lie to you. Keep it short, sweet, and brutal. (Smiling when holding up boundaries is disarming, self-assured, self-protective, and most effective at shutting people down but it’s not for everyone).

SupremeDearLeader · 2021-10-20T17:07:59+00:00

Rule 1: Know how you expect to be treated by a potential mate !!

Look your best but Do not lead with sexuality or you will be disappointed in how horny he acts , this is getting to know someone's values as a companion not a one night stand ( does he open doors, pay for the both of you, no insults or pervy comments, no aggressive touching or sexual touching, badmouthing an ex? )

Rule 2 : Be observant !!!!! are they agreeing with everything you say to move you into bed faster? Are they crossing any boundaries set in rule 1 ??? How are his manners/ treating other people around you?

Rule 3: Be yourself !! Do you like animals, reading, cooking, exercising, traveling ect? Be specific in what you like, you are looking for long term compatability. What does he like to do ? Is he immature , unclear , unable to communicate??? Red flags !!

bearded_dragonlady · 2021-10-20T14:40:14+00:00

What are some of the boundaries on your list?

chainsawbobcat · 2021-10-20T14:49:45+00:00

Seeing and maintaining personal boundaries is really hard and takes a long time to be natural so first off it's perfectly normal to feel the way you are feeling! I'd call myself a seasoned vet and I still have to check myself when I suddenly realize I'm engaging in a bit of stuff abandonment.

I think actually a big part of this learning is trial and error (like everything in life) simply because everyone is different. Checking in with yourself (mindfulness) is the best strategy to evaluate whether you are flying off base, OR whether a boundary you THOUGHT was important to you actually isn't that big if a deal or vice versa. It's definately a process and a journey, do I just think it's great you are so young with a starting list!! When I was 21 I didnt think I deserved love so 🤷 ahead of the curve sis.

ariaa126 · 2021-10-20T13:01:48+00:00

Have you read the handbook? They have some tips for first dates and boundary settings. You might want to take a look at it first.

ilovewinniethepooh · 2021-10-22T06:19:04+00:00

Have an exit plan. Take your own vehicle to the date, or have a friend or family member that you can call/text for a ride within a reasonable time frame, or have cab numbers or Uber/Lyft apps ready to go, or if you take transit, keep an eye out for bus times. You can make calls/ride requests privately in the bathroom. Other commenters have the right idea, it’s about leaving and not looking back at all.

Title	How do I set boundaries in the situation?
Author	edoth
Upvotes	169
Comments	34
Date	October 20, 2021 12:55 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qc077n/how_do_i_set_boundaries_in_the_situation/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-do-i-set-boundaries-in-the-situation.1078459 https://theredarchive.com/post/1078459

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