The Toxicity of It All

sourcircus · 2021-11-17T09:02:19+00:00

He groomed her. She was just a kid and she stood no chance.

kansascitydream · 2021-11-17T11:18:27+00:00

Ew. All of the pornsick men cheat. I have found that they are so desperate and sad, that it is the “validation” cheating brings that they get addicted to. It always confused me when I was dating one of these scrotes. Like, how are you cheating? Your dick doesn’t even work. If you have to down erectile dysfunction pills to have sex and masturbate, what’s the point? They don’t even enjoy sex. This woman is a pickme. The shit we put up with is insane.

AnniaT · 2021-11-17T11:23:52+00:00

She was groommed by this pedo scrote and I'm worried for their children growing up in such environment. Also if I had to take a guess he either isolated her from her family or her family is absent and doesn't care about her.

DivineGoddess1111111 · 2021-11-17T08:48:48+00:00

What a terrible story. Can you rescue her?

repurposedschleem · 2021-11-17T16:47:47+00:00

This poor woman was groomed by a predator. I refuse to classify her as a pickme…she didn’t have any agency here.

Is there a way to reach out to her? This is abusive on his end and yes men use and abuse religion to hurt women. And the women tell themselves these stories as a survival mechanism.

She’s not some lowly pickme even if she shares some common tropes (fighting for your marriage). She’s an abuse victim and probably doesn’t see a way out.

Calling her names isn’t helpful. The one who needs our vitriol here is the man — yet another patriarchal abuser using “religion” to inflict violence on a woman. I feel hard for her and her kids.

Golden_Lavender · 2021-11-17T14:54:53+00:00

I think this fighting for your love thing is so gross. I honestly don't believe anyone should truly believe that someone should "move mountains" for them to be with them. When you take the phrase literally you want someone to exert an extraneous amount of effort doing an impossible task just to meet you at the expense of themselves. I don't think I could describe this as high value behavior. Metaphorically it's the same meaning and I don't think its is something anyone should aspire to.

Instead I feel like there should be some other phrase used to describe what a healthy relationship should be like. Effort and compassion should be there but without backbreaking effort and "unconditional love" that sponges up all the abuse endured in the relationship without anything in return.

I hope one day she has clarity for this situation and leaves.

yeahhh22 · 2021-11-17T08:06:47+00:00

She aired that in public? 👀

Constant-Wanderer · 2021-11-17T17:31:40+00:00

I “worked hard” on all of my past relationships. Regardless of the level of effort they put in, I always worked hard, having been raised by a woman who prioritized her relationships before everything else on the planet, including me.

I always knew better, but the example I’d been given set me up for failure.

The men weren’t all terrible, but the ones with the most amount of effort attached to the relationship were. The two men that didn’t make the relationship feel like work, they were good men, just not right for me in the long run. The rest were all a fucking circus.

Now I’m with a man who makes every single second easy. His constant goal is “I’ll make everything better” and he says these things out loud, to me, all the time. He would rather chop off a leg than make my life difficult or dramatic.

Men who make you work for it or them are never worth the effort, and 100% of them would be appalled if they thought that you wanted the same effort from them.

Don’t date men who make the relationship itself a challenge.

(This is all aside from things that can’t be controlled, obviously. Life can be dramatic, no one can control that. What’s controllable is which drama you get: the one you’re prepared for, or the one you allow to happen to you.)

ArtisticBrilliant491 · 2021-11-18T00:17:34+00:00

100 percent agree! I'm Gen X and tho a feminist, I drank the "marriage is hard work" koolaid for wayyyyyyy too long. Accepting abuse is not "hard work." Many thanks to the therapist who helped de-program my Midwestern pickmeisha tendencies and woke me the f;;)&&&&k up. You know you gotta leave when your therapist asks if you're familiar with Stockholm's Syndrome.

arabbel · 2021-11-18T05:29:46+00:00

Religious woman here. Unfortunately the church has waaay too much compassion a lot of times for these men, and little for the women.

I’m divorced, my ex wasn’t much of a porn watcher but he was abusive. I definitely heard a fair amount of advice to try to be more loving, more compassionate, that maybe being the most morally upright person would make him see his wrongs. Of course that wasn’t the case, people’s actions are their own.

A lot of Christian women are definitely encouraged to not only give 100% on their relationships, but try to make up for the difference of the 0% of their husbands too. That being the perfect Christian wife will make a man who already decided being awful was fine realize he should be good. It almost makes sense - one of the fundamental ideas of Christianity is that people naturally will want to be kind because God has been kind to them. But that obviously has not played out for billions of people throughout time, why rely on that to work for a marriage where a man has already proven it not to be the case for him??

People cannot transfer their goodness to another person, nor their loyalty, love, effort, faithfulness, or compassion. If they could, unrequited love would not exist. It’s so silly to see a situation where one person is failing the relationship, and tell the person who isn’t, “hey, what if YOU try harder?? If you get close to 200% effort maybe that will be a whole relationship’s worth!”

I want to say though, my church’s credit, they weren’t like that at all. The felt I could be in danger well before I thought I was and insisted we separate, and he pay the extra expenses occurred on me because of that. They tried really hard to work with him without that process dragging me through any extra harm, and when they found he refused to change his ways, took it seriously and said we were free to divorce (in Christian beliefs, this involves deciding he has abandoned his marriage in practicality, even if not physically).

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Title	The Toxicity of It All
Author	tryingbutfailing2223
Upvotes	185
Comments	19
Date	November 17, 2021 7:17 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qvtpuz/the_toxicity_of_it_all/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/the-toxicity-of-it-all.1083679 https://theredarchive.com/post/1083679

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