Critiqued husband out of helping with housework?

katx_x · 2021-12-27T23:25:22+00:00

i would say that you should just stop with the criticism, unless it's extremely important. who cares if the clothes arent properly folded? is it extremely important that all the dishes are done at one time? if i wanted to help out and my s/o was constantly making comments about what im doing wrong, i wouldnt want to help. it would be best to trust him to take care of things and let him do it his own way

SunshineSundress · 2021-12-28T03:10:54+00:00

Put yourself in his shoes. Imagine that you were working full-time and earning the majority of your household’s income. It’s probably not easy work to provide enough for a SAHM and your family. But because your partner suddenly has 15 less hours to do their chores, you step up and do more housework even though your hours stayed the same. You happily signed up for a heavier load, just because you love your partner wanted to make sure they aren’t overworked.

Instead of feeling appreciated and loved for your sacrifice, your partner criticizes you and nags you for the most minute of issues. You feel disrespected and incompetent because your own partner thinks you are incapable of doing the simplest tasks (tasks that you did just fine for yourself when you were still single).

If you would feel belittled by that kind of treatment, how do you think it makes your man, who’s supposed to be your Captain, feel? I can understand why he’s on defensive mode now and makes guarded comments before he does anything. He’s been demoralized and emasculated, even if these are small, everyday things.

So what’s the best way out of this hole? Should I take over the jobs (he still works significantly more hours than me)? Should I keep pushing to get him to do them well?

Both of those are not so great ideas. Unless you are a particularly patient person (which does not seem to be the case judging by how quick to frustration and criticism you were of your husband), deciding to shoulder on everything that you used to do as a SAHM may cause resentment if you realize you have too much on your plate. You’ll then forget how you pushed him away from helping you in the first place and just think he’s a lazy and inconsiderate asshole. Pushing him to do something he already does not feel good doing thanks to you will only breed resentment on his end. He’ll feel even more emasculated, like his mother is forcing him to do the chores and keeps nagging at him that he won’t do them to her weird, old-lady tastes.

Instead, consider apologizing and communicating your appreciation to your husband. You messed up here - own up to it and tell him that you’re sorry for being so unappreciative of him. You can explain, with vulnerability and not with scorn, that you were so used to doing those chores your way that you were quick to critique his way of doing it. You can then tell him how much you appreciate and respect him for trying to help you out, and that you don’t mind if he does things his way. If they’re somehow wrong (clothes are more wrinkly, trashbag tears from overuse, etc), he’ll see for himself and figure it out himself. Even if he doesn’t, wouldn’t you rather deal with slightly wrinkled clothes over a resentful partnership where both people feel taken for granted? The next time he does a new chore for you, say thank you and tell him how much you appreciate it.

If you must say something about the way he did it, only do so after you’ve thanked him for helping you and in the most lighthearted, non-judgmental tone you can manage. If there’s a chore that he just absolutely butchers no matter what, suggest that you switch and you take on that chore and give him one of yours that he’ll do a better job at.

dirtyhippie62 · 2021-12-28T00:44:36+00:00

The issue is within yourself, you have to do some introspection and find some peace with how he does the work if you still want him to help. Everyone does things their own way and so long as the job is getting done (assuming he eventually does the other half of the dishes at some point 😂) then the way it gets done is each individual’s prerogative. You want it to be done a certain way, he does not do things your particular way, the appropriate change is for you to do whatever you need to do emotionally to come to terms with and accept his alternative methods. That is, assuming your goal is still the same: wanting him to help with housework. If he is unable to change his methods and you are unable to find peace with his methods, maybe there are other things he can do for your relationship that aren’t chores.

EchoTwice · 2021-12-29T14:27:34+00:00

What do you value more?

1: A healthy loving relationship with your husband.

2: Him folding the laundry properly.

Pick one.

abacabbmk · 2021-12-28T05:02:18+00:00

Do it yourself if you cant stop commenting on everything he tries to do, or direct him to things he is better at instead.

You need to stop doing that.

TheBunk_TB · 2021-12-28T11:57:47+00:00

Advice: stop.

Leave him alone for a while

MuttonDressedAsGoose · 2021-12-28T18:23:46+00:00

Ask him to do something easy. Then no matter how he does it, thank him.

Gush over how happy he's made you. Tell him that you'll be giving him a special sumthin sumthin later with a wink and then follow through.

How do you train a dog? With lavish praise and rewards.

If he's literally doing a shitty job of stuff - like leaving streaks of food on the plates he was supposed to have washed, then don't ask him to do that again. Find stuff he can do and then praise and reward.

By the way, there's no one way to fold clothes. Accept the way he does things. And more enthused response to things he does well.

It will eventually yield results.

TZ879 · 2021-12-28T06:55:16+00:00

So what's the best way out of this hole?

Acknowledge that you made a mistake and apologize for being overly critical. Let your husband know you are thankful that he tries to help. Spouses should be humble and thankful; and openly communicate their needs, wants, and expectations with one another, regardless of gender.

Should I keep pushing to get him to do them well?

Only if you want to cause a fight or an argument and create resentment between the two of you.

teaandtalk · 2021-12-27T23:35:37+00:00

You should take over the jobs because it's just easier. I'm the same way, and I like things done a certain way, so I will be the only one doing the dishes or cooking because my husband doesn't do it right. And, it works for us. If he's leaving dirty clothes on the floor, I tell him to put it in the hamper, and I think that's reasonable because that's just unnecessary work for me. The more you criticize, the more strained your relationship, and your husband would just see you as the nagging wife.

PhaedrusHunt · 2021-12-28T01:05:27+00:00

If you have good reason you like things done a certain way, e.g. if he folds clothes his way they won't fit in a drawer, just ask him if you can show him why you like it done a certain way and show him once or twice, then get out of the way.

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, especially if you yourself are less of a young filly and closer to an old nag.

fullsarj · 2021-12-28T07:25:12+00:00

So much of this is about how you communicate. This just came up with my wife - I spent the morning cleaning and left one thing in a way she didn't like, so she shouted at me. I kept my calm. After some time, I told her, "Look, when you tell me to do something, I generally do it. If you just calmly say 'Babe, can you please do / not do it this way?' of course I'm gonna do it. If you shout at me, it makes me not want to listen to you." So just try to be calm and nice, "Please babe, can you try to remember to finish a cleaning job if you start it. Thank you so much for helping out lately, you're doing great."

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2021-12-29T00:05:35+00:00

Ok so the stuff you’re complaining about to me seems to be things that still make your work load lighter.

He only does half the dishes? That’s half of the dishes you don’t have to do

He takes out the trash and forgets to put the bag in? You don’t have to take it out, you just have to put the bag in.

He folds the clothes in a way you don’t like? This one could add more work I guess, but how badly is he folding? Are you OCD about how your clothes are folded? If so he shouldn’t be folding them anyway.

It seems mostly tho that he’s still lightening your work load even if he isn’t doing everything perfect. If you do have a critique, make sure you thank him for helping before you scold him for doing it slightly non-optimally.

JadedByEntropy · 2021-12-28T04:10:52+00:00

oooKenshiooo · 2021-12-28T04:40:51+00:00

The thing you need to understand is this: You have no right to demand anything. Especially you have no right to demand anything done a certain way and up to your personal standards.

(the same goes the other way around, BTW)

If you ask your husband to take out the trash, he might do so. But not because you are entitled to him doing that. He does it because he loves you. Never ever confuse one for the other.

You s.o. Is not your employee.

A relationship is two people giving freely what they deem appropriate. If both parties enjoy that process, they may eventually be inclined to give more, creating an upward spiral.

What you are doing now, is stalling that upward spiral by treating the person you love like a person you employ.

Go back to giving freely and give your husband time to recognize this, which may not happen right away because you burned that aspect of your relationship.

cohost3 · 2021-12-28T19:07:50+00:00

It sounds like you feel bad, so give him a sincere apology.

Criticizing his attempt to help for not being exactly how you want it is almost like getting upset that a gift he bought you wasn’t the exact gift you wanted.

It’s an unkind thing to do.

cavejelly · 2021-12-28T17:53:46+00:00

The simple answer is to only ever use positive reinforcement. Even if it's sub-par work, thank your partner every single time.

Underground-anzac-99 · 2021-12-29T06:27:22+00:00

I had the inverse of this w my husband. We both worked full time and in theory shared everything 50% but that worked out at my doing 100% of the cooking, shopping and washing up while being expected to share 50% of the other chores.

The thing is, if I did something even slightly wrong anc not the way he had ‘told’ me to do it, there was screaming, yelling and he’d break things. I ended up a nervous wreck in my house and stopped doing extra chores because I ended up so stressed I’d be screamed at. Unless he’s doing it intentionally just leave it.

teaandtalk · 2021-12-28T00:23:09+00:00

[permanently deleted]

biitchstix · 2021-12-31T08:57:13+00:00

Sit him down
Apologize for criticizing such small things and say you appreciate his help
Leave him alone for a bit

If you REALLY do hate the way he does things then yes do them yourself, but I think the healthier thing here would be after leaving him alone for a bit ask him to help out with some small things and reenforce that you appreciate his help without criticism. He should come around. If theres something he does that makes your work more difficult (example: if improperly folded clothes literally need to be refolded in order to fit) simply tell him you don't need help with that particular chore but you do need help with [insert something he does well].

Title	Critiqued husband out of helping with housework?
Author	dustskirts
Upvotes	50
Comments	31
Date	December 27, 2021 11:11 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/rq04hx/critiqued_husband_out_of_helping_with_housework/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/critiqued-husband-out-of-helping-with-housework.1090328 https://theredarchive.com/post/1090328

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