My boyfriend does all the cooking because of his very high standards with food. I'm self-conscious about it.

uniq0rn_qlitter · 2021-12-14T21:34:12+00:00

Honestly the clean up alone is just if not more important than the actual meal. You’re doing enough. Enjoy the blessing of a good cook. Also, many manly men can cook and are great at it- some of the very best cooks in the world are men. Why argue when you can actually use praise to boost his ego about how great of a cook he is? I wouldn’t try to compete, just be his cheerleader who gets to personally enjoy his success and wins right along with him.

lynha27 · 2021-12-14T19:38:29+00:00

If hes fine with this why create issues when you can Enjoy his cooking. You are already doing your part by washing the dishes etc. Also it sounds like even if you were better at cooking it would take a hobby away from hin. Instead let him know that you appreciate the food and ask sincere questions, („Did u put something different in? Tastes amazing“ oder „how did u do that?“) I am sure anyone whose passion is cooking loves it when someone Asks stuff like that. Your man will feel so Loved and valued

Maleficent-Tie-4185 · 2021-12-15T01:24:15+00:00

listen here… my BF was raised by chefs. his mom AND his dad own two restaraunts. I realized pretty quick that nothing I could cook would ever top that. Plus he became an amazing cook bc of it. I however was an only child who ate cereal 4 night a week so…yeah.

Although I grew to like cooking and get good at it, my BF is still better than me. I also have totally heard the male sentiment of wanting a woman to cook.

I don’t bring that to the table (at least not better than he does) but I cook all the time and he enjoys it (or pretends to), but there’s more than that, I clean better, take care of the dogs more frequently, fold laundry, pick out suits/tie which he hates doing himself..help him take care of HIM!!! in ways he never thought he needed

What a woman brings to the table is whatever she gives the man that he never had before. He’s already good at cooking! Why would he want a woman who’s better. Surely you bring some comfort or utility to his life that he’s never had before

Protocol_Apollo · 2021-12-14T19:24:41+00:00

If you really want, ask him to teach you to cook like him.

SunshineSundress · 2021-12-14T19:55:52+00:00

Just like any other desirable female behavior or trait, the ability to “keep his stomach full”, on its own, is not as important as the sum of its parts. Just like how looks alone can’t save a failing relationship, or how being a master dinner party organizer and social proof for him doesn’t mean that you can’t treat him terribly when the guests leave.

A lot of people come here with a much more worrying problem: their boyfriend or husband is upset that their partner isn’t meeting their high standards on cooking, cleaning, childrearing, earnings, or whatever else, but also doesn’t do anything on their part to help them do better. This situation often ends up breeding a lot of contempt on both sides.

Your boyfriend is not guilty of this: he realizes that he has a particularly high standard when it comes to food, and instead of imposing an unrealistic expectation on you, as Captain he decided for a more peaceful and efficient delegation of duties where he doesn’t feel frustrated with you and you don’t feel resentful of him. This is ideal, and is a HUGE green flag on his part for his good leadership skills.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your arrangement. We often emphasize the importance of cooking for our men because it’s one of the simplest and most universal ways to show feminine investment and love in a relationship, especially for RPW newbies who are unsure where to start. However, it’s not the end-all be-all! Since he’s doing most of the cooking, you can show your love and gratitude by keeping your home beautiful and spotless (and not nagging him if he forgets to drop his clothes in the hamper). You could do the laundry and iron his clothes so that he wakes up to crisp shirts and pleated pants everyday. You could get really good at giving massages (YouTube has helped me there), and you could dedicate an entire half-hour or hour to helping your man decompress. There are SO MANY ways to be a good First Mate - cooking is just one tiny part of that!

Most importantly, you should have a good attitude and want to treat your relationship as a team. Judging from the way you wrote this and your concern about doing your part, I suspect you are doing just fine in this department 😉 I wish you two the best of luck!!

Edit: also, have you tried making some flourless chocolate cake?! It’s one of my FAVORITE desserts and is gluten-free!

terrapinninja · 2021-12-14T21:48:21+00:00

My very feminine wife has similar feelings to you. I do all the cooking. She does more cleaning than I do, though I do some. The one thing I insist is that my wife try to give me patience and understanding. And I try to return the favor. You can't place a cookie cutter on top of your marriage and expect it to fit. If he wants to cook, let him. Enjoy it and let him know you enjoy it.

TheTwincessMaker · 2021-12-14T19:31:15+00:00

I understand that this bothers you and I want to acknowledge your feelings, but at the same time, you're fabricating a problem. What you're doing works for you. There's no right or wrong way to be a happy couple. The way you phrase it, your boyfriend seems to be happy with this arrangement, which makes this a you problem and one that's all in your head. My husband cooked most of the time when we both worked. He likes to cook and I like to bake. We're a pretty traditional couple, otherwise, but this worked best for us. It's okay to make your own rules, when everyone is on board.

oceantidesx · 2021-12-14T23:34:18+00:00

I'd say enjoy not having to cook! This isn't causing any problems in the relationship. You don't have to fit a "mold". Everyone has their own type of relationship dynamic.

Managerfreakout · 2021-12-14T21:27:56+00:00

I’m sorta in the same situation. My boyfriend is a cooking wiz and tends to assume that responsibility. I decided to learn how to cook Japanese food since it’s my favorite cuisine, and isn’t something my boyfriend cooks. That way I can bring something different to the table (literally lol) and contribute more to our meals.

I also am also more of a baker than him, and gluten sensitive too. GF baking can be a little different but there’s lots of good recipes 😊

Boring-Revolution171 · 2021-12-14T23:09:09+00:00

If you want to up your game get America's Test Kitchen and Cooks illustrated. Take a deep dive into them. Then sign up for a baking class.

Fractal_Visionary · 2021-12-14T19:33:32+00:00

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BumbleBitny · 2021-12-14T20:16:19+00:00

It sounds like it's more of a hobby than a chore for him. So honestly even if you wanted to involve yourself in it more he probably wouldn't like it because you're taking away something he does for enjoyment. I get that RPW says keep their bellies filled but I would argue a more important point is let your man be the captain. And if he says he wants to make dinner every night let him.

PhaedrusHunt · 2021-12-14T20:58:59+00:00

My advice? Fugeddaboudit. I'm a better cook than all but one of the women I've been with, and she was Japanese with housewife aspirations and had worked in a couple restaurants really learning to cook. Honestly I'm probably better now than she was then.

Know what? I don't care. I don't think a woman is less feminine because I'm a better cook than she is. If he has this covered, cool! There's a scene in Donnie Brasco where Pacino's character is cooking, he says everywhere you go all the best cooks are men. On Mars the best cooks will be men. And then he's super mean to his wife, but makes her put out a fire he starts. Pretty hilarious really.

Let him have this one thing. Now, if you want to learn to cook and get really good in the kitchen, fantastic. But maybe not with him as your teacher, because he doesn't sound like he has the patience of a teacher. I'm not sure about your area, but I used to work at a high end supermarket that offered cooking classes to the public. It was 40 or 50 bucks, you'd get a couple glasses of wine, get to help cook the meal, and then eat it. I'm sure it's more like 100 now. But maybe that's something you could do.

If you DO want to cook for him, cook something that he doesn't because he'd probably be super critical if it's not like he likes.

Anyway, just have fun with it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47o482D\_1Vs

AntiVictimhood · 2021-12-14T21:32:58+00:00

He seems to be really controlling about food. And his high standards of food handling, cleanliness etc. is really rigid and quite OCD like.

I read someone suggest to learn from him and cook together, but it doesn't sound like he's that interested in teaching you. It sounds like this is his hobby. I'd be supportive of it and let him be in the kitchen alone. You could always support his interest by getting him gifts like a great knife, a sharpening stone etc.

As for your guilt about not fulfilling that traditional housewife who cooks role- you're already not in a traditional relationship if you're both working paid jobs. So I wouldn't feel shame or guilt about not cooking. It sounds like he's a kitchen tyrant who likes to do his own thing. And there are already deviations from that hyper traditional gender role model given the dual-income. So a deviation from roles about who cooks shouldn't be an issue.

And even in a more traditional dynamic, the particularities of a couple will rarely align perfectly with some imagined ideal.

It sounds like you both have a good dynamic. He enjoys cooking and you're happy to clean up. If you're both satisfied, that matters more than adhering to some outdated phrase. Also some people are much less motivated by food. There is another saying "don't live to eat, eat to live". And many people eat to live, not because they're foodies who gush over meals. If your man is satisfied through this hobby, that's great!

RPsplainer · 2021-12-14T22:53:11+00:00

I always hear a main way to bring value as a woman is "keeping his belly full".

This is false.

The main value you bring is your sexual availability and enthusiasm.

Everything else is a "value added" scenario. If your man doesn't need cooking as a value add then you just bring something else, which it sounds like you have handled.

Enjoy this time where you get to be 'sous chef' as chances are high that as time goes on and especially after kids he will tire of being the only one doing the cooking.

kneesofthetrees · 2021-12-14T20:54:35+00:00

Ask him to teach you! Join him in the kitchen and don’t be afraid to ask questions. There’s no reason to be ashamed that he does the cooking, but you should try to learn from him. Men like to teach and guide their women.

My man is much more knowledgeable about cooking meat than I am, so he’s taught me a lot, and he still supervises sometimes when I’m cooking meat. And there things I’ve taught him about cooking, too. Learning from each other in the kitchen has been a wonderful part of our relationship.

deep_faked_beans · 2021-12-14T19:54:33+00:00

Maybe you could make baked goods for friends and family instead, like as in outlet for your desire to cook for someone? I know what it's like to want to share your cooking with people and not being able to, like right now I live by myself so there's just no point in making anything big or elaborate.

hepazepie · 2021-12-14T20:42:51+00:00

Those community has given you a bunch of good answers in regards to cooking, so I wanna expand on something else: can you maybe find recipes for baked treats that are gluten free or more accommodated to his digestion? I'm sure there must be a way to also bring out your string side in the kitchen and make him appreciate it

2021-12-14T21:29:58+00:00

Honestly, that's not bad if he's a better cook than you. Just sit back and observe and learn a bit. He seems to genuinely like cooking and enjoys it. If you're fighting over this, just let him cook. And you seem to be good at getting things cleaned afterwards, which is as important as cooking. And, I can relate with his digestive issues with food and I usually need a specific diet. My husband and I can fight over cooking meats because I apparently undercook them or they're too chewy, but after using his tips and observing him, I can do it just as good. It takes practice and sometimes you can't be the best in everything.

mbniceguy · 2021-12-14T21:36:35+00:00

Unless he's grieving you about it and you're happy as is you can probably relax with a clean conscience.

cats5483 · 2021-12-14T23:30:15+00:00

it sounds to me like he enjoys cooking and is happy with cooking meals for the both of you. the other comments here are great! help him out with prep, ask him to teach you, etc. remember to be grateful and compliment his cooking. every relationship is different. him being the cook happens to work for yours

daskanaktad · 2021-12-15T04:39:29+00:00

I have a few questions. How good is your baking? Would it be enjoyed if it wasn’t for your boyfriend’s gluten intolerance? What is the extent of his intolerances and have you tried gluten free recipes? Does he not eat carbs at all? The answers to these determine how relevant my suggestions below are.

I’m not gluten free but nevertheless really enjoy German rye bread for example. Other options off the top of my head: Mexican corn tortillas, southern cornbread, Scottish oat cakes, French socca, Chilean potato bread. I’ve seen quinoa and coconut flour bread on master chef too and although I haven’t tried that one specifically, it looked delicious.

Just saying there are many gluten free recipes that are delicious in their own right and were well established before people caught on to gluten intolerances. Might be worth exploring.

Tyred_Biggums · 2021-12-15T04:48:29+00:00

I love cooking. LTR cooking isn’t bad, but like your bf I have high standards - I like my cuts done well, seasoning perfect, and meat cooked to the right temperature.

I love with LTR gets ingredients out I need, cleans up after, performs tasks I delegate, and pours me a drink if I want one. Those simple actions should go a long way to adding value to the process.

“Keeping a belly full” is thrown around a lot. Ignore that shit. Add value to the things he likes to do. I have an example of how my LTR does so and I love her doing it.

alotsmarterthanyou · 2021-12-15T10:21:02+00:00

The full phrase is “keeping his belly full, and balls empty”,

So you still got he latter part which you can master at and do more than regularly

beefstockcube · 2021-12-15T11:36:03+00:00

Definition of sous-chef: the top assistant in a professional kitchen The typical restaurant kitchen is set up so the absence of the head chef is not felt in the dining room. It is the assistant, the sous-chef, who is usually in charge of production, with the head chef the administrator and creative force.

Be this. Does he need anything to make what he's making in x days? Enable him to be the head chef.

Put effort into knife sharpening, ingredient prep then let him do it. A lansky sharpening kit is like $100. Keep his tools sharp, clean, organised (the way he likes no the way you think it should be) pans spotless and cast iron seasoned. Learn how each of these things should be cared or and do it better than him. All these skills can be learned on youtube and practiced.

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