Sorry for the length.

I read that this was a good place to get support or at the very least not keep it inside me. So my wife cheated on me when I was deployed, I didn’t find out till I got back. When I did I sorta lost my mind and was placed in hospital for a few days. That shit honestly broke me, but that’s neither here nor there. I got out of the Army and took a job overseas, she asked me not to go but the lure of money and the prospect of clearing my head was too much to pass on. So I left again and while I was gone she had countless relationships while I was gone, in front of my kids. And when I would find out about it, I was there to always “save the day” at the cost of my sanity.

After I got home I tried to make things work, more because I had/have no self worth and because I didn’t want to get divorced like my family had, I wanted to be better. Anyway, I thought things were ok got a huge raise, bought a BMW as a second car. Things were looking up, but on Christmas Day 2019 she decided that she didn’t want to do it anymore and blamed it all on me. She blamed me for being gone, for not being the same person I was, not being upfront with feelings, you name it, I was at fault for. She had already entered in to another relationship by this time anyway.

So I moved out. At that point, I didn’t care about anything anymore. Drank a lot, stopped wearing a seatbelt, taking unnecessary risks. Bought a length of rope as an “escape plan.” Went to talk with someone about felling so down, was told that I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD. Their fix was meditation. I told them that my brain just can’t turn off like that, and that it wasn’t going to work. So I stopped going.

I cut off everyone in my life. Stopped talking to my family, stopped talking to my friends, because I knew how important it was to her the way that people perceived her. During this time my mom got very sick and died and I was too broken and self absorbed that I didn’t go see her or even talk to her the last year of her life, but I know that’s on me.

Thought maybe I was ready to get back out there, downloaded dating apps, and got nothing. Thought I had something with someone that I had known for 20 years, till it turned out she was just using me for money. On the positive note, I cut her out before she lost interest in my usefulness. After that, I decided that it was a wrap on trying to start again.

So now I sit here and realize that I ended up with nothing. She lives in the house I bought, drives the BMW I bought, won’t let me see my kids, and I get to pay her 2 grand a month for it. Not that I particularly wanted anything, but it’s just a bitter fucking pill to swallow when you’re 38 and sleep on the floor of a studio apartment in the number 2 murder capital of the U.S.

I keep hearing it gets better, but it hasn’t. In fact in seems as if things have steadily gotten worse. That whole “no where to go but up from rock bottom” is such bullshit because there are in fact multiple levels of rock bottom. I’m just so tired, tired of waking up and the bitterness of knowing that I have to go survive another day. And that’s the thing, I’m just surviving, and I can tell you that that is not living.

The funny thing is, is that I don’t particularly want to be here anymore, but the joke is, is that I’ll live forever with the person I despise more than anyone, myself.