Need advice on how to potentially cover my self

thefudmaster · 2022-03-30T16:34:36+00:00

Full stop with the "I don't want to screw her over" talk. She is trying to screw you over, and your efforts to be fair are not going to bode well for you in a divorce. You should have filed immediately after she left in your jurisdiction.

Depending on the state, a judge could be forced to view her actions as abandonment, and you could have been granted an immediate divorce with everything in your possession. Since you have waited, you are going to go through interstate divorce hell. Immediately stop being nice to her, communicating with her, etc. Just get it done through your lawyer.

Character_Hippo90 · 2022-03-30T16:40:22+00:00

There’s absolutely NO fairness when it comes to this type of serving. Her offense is to attack your compassionate will, thus rendering you insolvent. Your only option is a major counter attack, showing an outlay of financial support given over the years without benefit. A good lawyer will navigate this so trust their advice.

No_more_BPD_2020 · 2022-03-30T17:03:24+00:00

I can tell you one of the best things my lawyer did was to convince me not to give away too much so we had a better bargaining position later on when things were not as nice.

MomentSpecialist2020 · 2022-03-30T17:22:48+00:00

Grey rock. Lawyer up. Only communicate in writing or through the lawyer. 💪

Dell_Hell · 2022-03-30T17:25:41+00:00

You screwed up massively when you didn't file first. The minute she left you should have filed.

That's the only way to put an good, official timestamp on bill responsibility / house payments, etc.

SnooChipmunks8506 · 2022-03-30T17:41:23+00:00

Absolutely agree with everyone here. She is going to abuse your kindness. You can always give more later, but for now… DO EVERYTHING THROUGH YOUR LAWYER. Don’t call her, don’t text her, don’t communicate with her, you pay an attorney for that.

My ex got 100% of the house, 70% of my retirement, $36,000 a year in alimony, and everything she wanted. I was stupid, I didn’t want to fight, so I was late getting an attorney.

It has taken me 4 years to get it rolled back to $20k a year, 50/50 split on credit, and a better footing.

Fight right now! Show that you took care of her, get all your emails and texts where you talked about her getting a job and helping after graduation.

After everything is said and done, you can always give her what you think is fair.

Edit: Grammar and clarity

OraleEse13 · 2022-03-30T17:54:16+00:00

DO OT try to play Mr. Nice a guy with her. She's not going to play Mrs. Nice Woman with you. She's geared up for battle. I made the mistake of capitulating and trying to "be fair" and all it did was bite me in the ass over and over as she took advantage of my kindness. My ex would even leverage and weaponize our kids against me.

You have a lawyer. Use him as he should know better. If you're married in a community property state then she'll likely get half of the equity. If it's an equitable distribution state you may be able to offset her lack of contribution with a split in your favor.

Either way, document everything. Don't fight over possessions too much. Meaning, don't spend $4k in attorney fees fighting over a $1000 refrigerator.

Keep your calm, cool, and sanity through this process. Go to the gym or find some other type of exercise, hiking, biking, etc, that you can do at least 3-4x a week to release the stress.

Keep calm and carry on.

Remember this... she conveniently did this after you floated her education. She used you. That's not love.

Calm_Attention1070 · 2022-03-30T18:18:21+00:00

my lawyer advised me to continue paying for half the bills on the house for a reason. don't be nice to her!

Gxl4 · 2022-03-30T20:54:09+00:00

Dont be Mr.Nice guy or captain save a 304

“I dont want to screw her over”

dude..

What do you do when someone swings at you?

Exactly, you dont eat that fist, you block, counter, and continue to make sure the opponent knows they fucked with the wrong dude.

Now, from your story, she was the one to swing at you, the ball is in your camp now. (Legally, that is)

Dont be a pushover and fight for everything you’ve earned. Why are you holding back? There has to be something.. Are you thinking of getting back together if you go nice on her, cuz thats not going to fly..

No need to put a brake on anything, you need to come ahead and be the only one standing in the ring after this is done.

Gattsama · 2022-03-30T22:29:10+00:00

Dude, we have all been there. We don't want to hurt her, screw her over or be the bad guy. We think, ok this sucks, but we can be adults and work out a fair & just settlement, then go our separate ways. Women do NOT work this way. She has already told you so, she left, he comes back, she is going for the entire house, she claims she supported you while she was in school...

The marriage is already dead, it's on life support and the only thing left is to pull the plug. You need to do that with extreme prejudice! She is no longer your wife, friend or responsibility. You don't have to be an ass, but you damn sure don't need to be friendly or generous.

Talk to your lawyer, accept the process for what it is, and then she gets the minimum required by law. 5yrs and no kids. Get it down. No matter what you do she is going to ask for more and still see you as the bad guy. Embrace the role and protect yourself, she sure as shit is not going to protect you!!

crypto_keeper88 · 2022-03-30T19:02:00+00:00

You are at war with someone that knows every thing about you....you need to fight for every thing you are entitled to!!!! Get that alimony!!!!

warrior_up · 2022-03-30T19:49:12+00:00

She showed you she's willing to play hardball, protect your money - quit being a nice guy and text her "I'll be your huckleberry"

pegleg_legal · 2022-03-31T02:29:47+00:00

The entire time we were married I was the main provider while she finishes her masters.

This is relevant to any claim for spousal support.

But as soon as she left she stopped helping with those bills. I took up on all the bills own my own which include mortgage, maintenance and utilities.

This is relevant to the financial settlement.

Sounds like your lawyer is solid.

Lawyer said I could potentially claim I supported her through her school so I may be entitled to alimony. I don’t want to screw her over but she’s after everything I’ve worked for and I want to put a brake on the situation if possible.

There are a few ways to approach this. But typically, once the marriage breaks down thoughts like "not screwing her" and "being fair" are unproductive. She is positional and transactional, so you should be to. Without kids, you have absolutely nothing to tie you to her long-term so you should want to achieve the best deal you can without burning too much on legal fees. Make the alimony claim so you have a bargaining chip to throw away down the line. Disregard any emotional attachment you have to the house so you can maximize its leverage. Don't "go easy" on her if she's hired some bulldog.

Most critically, you need to make it clear to her that it will be very easy to throw everything away on the lawyers and you aren't afraid to go there because you know you can start fresh and be fine. Don't actually do that, but steeling yourself and communicating it to her will reduce the conflict. She needs to know you're not the pushover she thinks she married. Beware that you suddenly growing a backbone may cause her to want to fix things - do NOT fall for this.

EDIT: an apostrophe

Profitglutton · 2022-04-08T06:19:50+00:00

I don’t want to screw her over

I see you’ve been afflicted with the GoodMan^TM disease.

You need to stop that form of thinking if you want to get through this. Be aggressive in how you approach. Go for anything you can take to get her to back down and then meet in the middle for a more fair outcome. Let the “nice guy” in you fall back for now and be more bold.

Title	Need advice on how to potentially cover my self
Author	broakie212
Upvotes	12
Comments	23
Date	March 30, 2022 4:05 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ts9t6e/need_advice_on_how_to_potentially_cover_my_self/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/need-advice-on-how-to-potentially-cover-my-self.1109406 https://theredarchive.com/post/1109406

Comments