Unpopular opinion(?

Technusgirl · 2022-04-25T00:18:17+00:00

Unfortunately having any expectations that a relationship will make you happy can lead to you ending up in an abusive relationship or in an unhappy one, just there for validation. Nobody can make you feel like you are worthy of a relationship, only you can do that by finding your own self worth. If you suffer from depression, then medication should help with that.

Superfluous_Toast · 2022-04-25T00:49:10+00:00

Relationships are not a cure to soul sickness, which is ultimately the problem.

New relationship energy might burn away low self-esteem for a while, but sooner or later those thoughts are going to creep back in. If Anxiety and Depression could be cured by being loved and reassured of ones worth on a regular basis, very few people would have either disorder.

Moreover, placing the burden of your mental health on your partner is not only unfair to them, it's extremely unhealthy for you as well, and can make things worse.

You owe it to yourself and any partner you might have to work on your mental health with a professional before you get into a relationship. That's part of what being your best self means.

levonbinsh · 2022-04-24T23:24:06+00:00

Last week I went to a hooker the second time in my life, this time I didn't even care about sex, I just wanted to hug and kiss her. It was the second women I kissed, and the second sex worker I went (it is legal in my country).

After being with her, I didn't feel anger at the sight of couples in the street. This last a day or two. Still I remember our conversation and how sincere I was being, and how sincere I am hoping she was being. In the end, I think I just want some intimacy. Not receiving attention from women all my life made me view myself as non-human, a monster, maybe. Talking to the sex worker, she made me feel like I wasn't a monster, like I was normal and just unlucky. She was doing her job, I understand. Even if it is "fake" affection, it is better than none. I don't feel shame or guilty for paying for affection when it is the only way I can get it.

A relationship can work wonders for some. But the problem will always be how we are conditioned to view ourselves.

Mari_Mari_Mariana · 2022-04-25T01:19:03+00:00

The only thing a relationship will always provide you is the notion that you can be loved and are good enough for (at least) one woman. This is worth even less than what it seems, as people with a terrible self-steem will always question if it's because she doesn't have options or if she will leave him when she meets the "real him".

My brother had a similar story of how finding his first girlfriend freed him from many of these thoughts and he became a better person because of that. What he doesn't say to everyone (besides the closest friends) is that his depression made him inadvertently emotionally abusive. His growth was at the expense of hers.

In this regard, I think female friendships should be better. At least for me, I give more blunt and honest opinions to friends than to partners, specially regarding dating and strong / weak points. In my brother's case, his first successess also came from friendships where he learned a lot and had success using that knowledge on them.

xvszero · 2022-04-25T03:08:54+00:00

A good relationship can help. A bad relationship can make things worse. And if someone is an incel with red pill views and manages to get into a relationships, it's probably just going to be a bad relationship.

Basically, the best chance at a good relationship is healthy people coming together.

princessbubbbles · 2022-04-25T20:34:26+00:00

Men, at least in the cultural West, tend to not have social relationships of any kind where they can be vulnerable and feel truly loved. Romantic partners are often the only outlet. This is changing, but in the meantime there are so many men desparate to be loved, to be the Beloved. I am a woman in a friend group of men. We have that close platonic friendship. Even those of us who don't have a partner and still want one have most of that emotional gap filled. I hope to see more friend groups like ours in the future, and I believe I will.

pleasantldar · 2022-05-01T11:34:43+00:00

I think it's pretty simple - getting a relationship/sex solves the pain of not having a relationship/sex. If you have other problems on top of that one, you'll still have to deal with them.

But speaking from experience, relationships had these effects on these 3 I know:

Person 1: Got completely happy from getting the relationship, had no mental health issues from then on. That one relationship seems to have killed the sexless streak also, and jump-started success, now he has no problems with women.

Person 2: Got happy because someone validated him, but acted repeatedly codependent and insecure until dumped, then got into another relationship and acted codependent again.

Person 3: Got happier and more functional, but still struggled with depression and anxiety caused by other things.

julianbeing · 2022-04-25T11:51:02+00:00

A relationship is something external, it's a form of validation. So if your depression goes away because of a relationship that means that it will return once the relationship is over.

Put differently, you make yourself dependent on the grace of that other human. Not a good way to lead a healthy relationship. Relationships work best if every individual part is happy by themselves and doesn't rely on the other party. So entering a relationship under such circumstances sets you up for a toxic dynamic and will most likely pull you down ever deeper into the swamp of self-hate.

My advice, go, seek professional help. Rebuild your belief system with the support of a therapist and then find a healthy partner that makes you happy.

AntiVictimhood · 2022-04-25T16:24:36+00:00

Some of them told me that the love of a woman free them from depressing beliefs about their own worth

This is fair. Sometimes you need to find a person who sees you for you, and still loves you. It can be very powerful to reveal your full self to someone and still be accepted when you've gone your whole life hiding the parts of yourself that you dislike or that were shamed in the past.

So I get that.

I have found that same kind of realization through some of my friendships, and I'm grateful for that. It does bother me when people write off the potential value of relationships.

I know with my ex, he was extremely depressed and came from a very critical family. I swear, throughout our relationship his posture improved (he had such a hunch when we first started dating), he did develop confidence, and he started to actually like himself (he was a very likeable person, but his father was very emotionally abusive and convinced him otherwise).

Secondly, I think what you're seeing is the euphoria that comes from falling in love with someone. Unfortunately, it's not sustainable and it tends to be a very effective distraction from negative emotion. It's easy to see someone's mood and self perception improve when they're swept up in a new romance, but when that romance dies out or when the passion (and degree of delusion) fades, then the depression usually returns because falling in love doesn't address the root of the depression.

However, I'm sure for some people all they need to know is that it's possible to be seen and still be loved, and that might be enough to change their self perception and allow them to see potential. It might be a catalyst for further change and self improvement, so I can appreciate that possibility.

I think the biggest issue I see with incels is the notion that a romantic relationship and sex will just eliminate negative emotion and acts as some kind of antidote so loneliness and suffering. When in reality, some of the times I've felt most alone and abandoned have been in my long term relationships.

Having the expectations that a relationship will act as an antidote to sadness and loneliness is quite naive. Not to mention, it's not another person's responsibility to resolve one's own internal issues. You cannot outsource the long process of self acceptance that is required to really heal.

Another person can't save you from yourself. Having that hope or expectation is just not beneficial.

Own-Boat-5374 · 2022-04-25T23:37:56+00:00

If you see every other guy in your social circle getting attention/love and you aren't you will clearly feel like you are subhuman.

dottywine · 2022-04-26T21:59:43+00:00

As someone with depression, 100% being in a loving relationship did NOT fix my depression. It did give me a great support system as I got help.

Title	Unpopular opinion(?
Author	petaura
Upvotes	26
Comments	39
Date	April 24, 2022 11:03 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/ub6rn6/unpopular_opinion/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/unpopular-opinion.1113578 https://theredarchive.com/post/1113578

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