Mommy and daddy issues

Barneysparky · 2022-07-07T17:16:03+00:00

Family is almost never mentioned here, yet who/where/ what your childhood was like determines your relationship success and projectory probably more than any other factor.

delight-n-angers · 2022-07-07T19:35:42+00:00

If the guy has mommy issues, girl has daddy issues, this is going to be like the love/hate relationship where both are too demanding.

Purely anecdote from my own experience. I (36AFAB) had a horrifically abusive father. Physical, sexual, verbal, mental, and financial abuse my entire life. To the point where I was actually relieved when he died last year. My husband (39m) had a horribly abusive mother - physical, emotional, verbal abuse and a hardcore NPD diagnosis. We've gone completely no contact with her and she's never met our 4yr old son because we haven't spoken to her since 2015.

Because early in our relationship (I was 15 and he was 17 when we first met and 16/18 when we started dating) to break the cycle of abuse, we've never had power imbalance issues and out of everyone i know we have the most functional egalitarian relationship. It has made us much more in tune with how we treat one another and we are well aware of the other's triggers and work to mitigate them.

It's also made parenting a fucking dream come true. We agree about most every parenting decision and are able to calmly work through the few minor disagreements we do have.

If people are running into power imbalances or toxic dynamics it's because they're either not self aware and working on their trauma actively, they're not being up front with their partners about their trauma and lingering trauma responses, or their partner is a fucking dick who went the route of abuse victim to abuser - which i see A LOT. In fact, it was that cycle that turned my dad into an abuser. Horrific physical, mental, verbal, and financial abuse goes back at least 5 generations on my dad's side.

h1shman · 2022-07-07T17:36:31+00:00

Most people have unresolved mommy/daddy issues. Look around at typical married couples. Most are toxic relationships and they raise their kids poorly and the kids grow up and mirror that behavior.

Daddy/mommy issues are more of a catch all to describe an absence of healthy love and respect from each parent usually leading to the child thinking that behavior is normal and they perpetuate the behavior most often. Your questions assuming static mommy/daddy issues when in reality it’s a large set of behaviors.

The reason hetero men should watch for women having daddy issues is that will possibly be a good indication of her ability to have a successful relationship with you. Hetero women should focus more on a man’s relationship with his mother for the same reasons.

The key here is unresolved. It’s more of a green flag when I see a girl with an absent/bad father who has a positive outlook on the situation and men in general as that is an indication of maturity and ability to learn and grow from bad experiences.

Magnito-was-right · 2022-07-07T21:46:00+00:00

I’m bisexual and have both mommy and daddy issues. It’s rough.

Gravel_Roads · 2022-07-07T17:17:20+00:00

It’s a lot more simple than all that. Humans form themselves and their understanding of what is normal based on what they personally experience. So for some people, they learn habits, rituals, behaviors ect from dynamics with their opposite-sex parent that stops being part of their individual child-parent dynamic and becomes part of their wholesale male-female dynamics.

Obviously, this is a maladaptive survival strategy that doesn’t tend to come form healthy people who can separate themselves from their parents. But I guess it can also be said that there’s no such thing as a person who doesn’t have one unhealthy bend or another. We’re all just fucked up by our experiences in different ways.

Pigeon_of_the_sea · 2022-07-07T20:04:14+00:00

It's probably going to be toxic or codependent. Mommy/Daddy issues are really broad terms. There are a lot of different types of abuse that can effect people differently. Physical abuse effects people differently than neglect, than emotional abuse, and so on. Family dynamics also play a big role. People's adult relationships are largely shaped by their relationship with their primary caregivers.

We learn what is "normal" in childhood, and in adult relationships people subconsciously will try to replicate that. If growing up love meant verbal abuse, than that adult may grow up to think that being verbally abused is an acceptable part of a loving relationship.

hhhhhhikkmvjjhj · 2022-07-07T20:57:41+00:00

I dates a woman who had severe daddy issues while I had severe mommy issues when I was 25. It’s the only girlfriend I have ever had (I’m close to 40 now).

She was super neurotic and had constant panic attacks. She had terribly poor self esteem. Attachment wise I would categorize her as insecure attachment.

Me on the other side suffered from depression as I was not fully aware back then of the extent of my issues. Instead of asserting boundaries I just caved or ran away/silent treatment. This would be an avoidant attachment style.

This pair up is very common among people with bad childhoods where one is a chaser and the other is a avoider.

We were a couple as long as I managed to keep my problems surprised and cater to her needs, but it quickly unraveled when my life started to crumble. I was not able to express my needs and she was not able to meet them.

It was sad as we could have started a family if we were healthier.

rhumel · 2022-07-07T23:35:19+00:00

Your family is the first time you experience love and relationships. It digs deep roots in your understanding how those work.

If you go to therapy (at least the kind of therapy that YOU at the center or the analysis and not specific situations/traits/behavior) the most important work you do is about that. You go back to how the child in you still sees love and relationships as a consequence of your understanding of how that worked at the first steps of your life.

If you’re having trouble with how you love and bond with other people I would strongly suggest to get deep into all of this.

Once you resolve your own issues you will be able to filter out people that won’t be compatible with you.

Subconscious tends to try and bond with another subconscious that will be perfectly damaging to it.

There’s a saying: you don’t look for someone to love, you look for someone to make you hurt the “right” way.

Work on yourself and other people’s issues won’t affect you, you will avoid the severe ones and bond with people who have just the tolerable amount of issues.

2022-07-07T18:47:50+00:00

Wouldn’t this make for a very toxic situation if the guy has mommy issues, girl has daddy issues?

Yes. People with a history of childhood neglect or trauma which have not resolved can make terrible partners.

purplenelly · 2022-07-08T08:55:41+00:00

From what I understand, mommy and daddy issues will be different depending on your gender.

If a girl has daddy issues, that's like you say, craving attention from men. I guess she would be clingy in the relationship, and she might gravitate towards strong, masculine types.

But if a girl has mommy issues, she's not craving attention from women, she wants to heal by giving the unconditional love she didn't get. She might date useless, immature men who lack autonomy and ambition, struggling depressed guys, short kings, that kind of thing. I think the guy would be the clingy one in the relationship. That's the kind of relationship where you see a clingy guy being really pathetic, and the girl is stuck having to mother him (it doesn't have to be literally like picking up his dirty socks, it can also be emotionally managing his moods and tantrums like if he was a child). But she thinks she can't leave him because that would be being a cold mother like her mother. You wouldn't abandon your toddler for throwing a tantrum or being unreasonable, so you can't leave that boyfriend either. Except the boyfriend is an adult, so you're not teaching him how to act, he's going to be like this forever.

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urbangoth · 2022-07-07T22:48:36+00:00

Tbh, I've noticed those with daddy issues tend to date others with daddy issues. Same goes for mommy issues. To me, it's always looked like whoever is the same sex as the respective parent-figure tends to be more dominant in the relationship. I don't know if I've ever met a daddy issues + mommy issues couple. Probably have and just didn't know.

Frequent-Device4942 · 2022-07-08T09:38:23+00:00

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WOPR-1983 · 2022-07-08T15:57:07+00:00

Mommy issues here. And daddy issues too because he simped for our manipulative crazy toddler-esque hyper-controlling untreated mentally ill mother.

Looking back, had a lot to do with the person I eventually got married and had kids with.

More recently, I've chosen being single over choosing anyone. Damage control?

I just think anyone I will find attractive will be ultimately broken, damaged goods.

Trying to fix other people or get in this "fix you for love" deal is a fucking trainwreck.

Some people are just better off single - be they "fixers" or "need fixing".

My favorite past-time these days is helping "fixer" men wake up and run away from broken women. It's amazing the look on their faces when cracks form in the blind spot:

"You're right. She needs a psychiatrist. Not a boyfriend."

Title	Mommy and daddy issues
Author	Frequent-Device4942
Upvotes	16
Comments	68
Date	July 7, 2022 5:11 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/vtnn02/mommy_and_daddy_issues/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/mommy-and-daddy-issues.1122698 https://theredarchive.com/post/1122698

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