Why are people often possessive and judgmental when they date?

EulenWatcher · 2022-08-12T15:43:40+00:00

Can you define possessiveness and being judgmental?

Fun_Push7168 · 2022-08-12T16:14:24+00:00

It's biology. Mate guarding need not even be conditioned. Vasopressin is highly related to to the behavior.

There's a dance between vasopressin and oxytocin in mammals and each affect each of the sexes somewhat differently.

It would take a book to even kind of explore it all, but the shorthand is vasopressin encourages mate guarding behavior in mammals and physiologically prepares the body for defensive aggression. It builds to higher and higher levels in males with recurring sexual encounters with the same female. For females it can trigger mate guarding behavior immediately after a single sexual encounter.

So yes it is a natural urge, common to many/ probably most mammals.

Perfect_Promise_943 · 2022-08-12T15:46:23+00:00

Those are a lot of questions but overall my take on why we do this is the following. I don’t see the point of having a life partner if that partner isnt your life. I would not want to be with someone who doesn’t mean the world to me. If she doesn’t mean the world to me than she is just a friend. And if she means the world to me, than you will 100% be afraid to lose her. And the other way around or at least should be.

Vtridolla · 2022-08-12T15:56:23+00:00

So I definitely respect and love my partners individuality. I love independent women who don’t need me in literal sense. I assume it’s hard to love someone else properly if you don’t love yourself, and have a great relationship with yourself.

I can’t be with a woman who tries to attach herself at my hip and who want to shoot every woman that looks at me. I’ve been there and done that and I just won’t do that for my life. Partnership to me doesn’t involve the castration of your wings of freedom and individuality.

pronouns-king-lord · 2022-08-12T16:24:11+00:00

I think it is culture and upbringing largely.

Like I don't know why red pill fights the importance of culture snf focuses on nature. I think its because they want a built in excuse to be shitty.

Fact is that 5 people can go through the same situation and come away with completely different feelings and takes. If 2 men hear their wives giggling about how cute another man is, one man could go red with rage and the other could start giggling and start flirting with his wife like "hey miss Lady who you looking at? Uh huh, I see you" and it doesn't ruin his fucking day.

The poly community would be the first to tell you: Jealousy is a normal feeling. It's a human emotion. We evolved with it. But when you're happy, you smile. When you're sad, you cry. So when you're jealous, you....control your partners life and demand they conform to your desires or you will have breakdowns and become angry and threaten people amd peacock? See that's not nature. That's not some built in trait.

Our emotions are all natural. But a desire and a want is not an emotion. Like nobody can say it's natural to want a car. No it's not. It's natural to want. A car is not natural.

Chimps are whores. They sleep around, but pair bond in two chimp pairs. And then they spend their lives fighting each over their affairs, males and females both fucking and sucking and getting jealous.

Bonobos are whores. They sleep around and don't display over jealousy. They're much more peaceful than their chimp cousins. They will avoid fighting at almost all costs and don't display that jealousy

We are equally related to both of these creatures. It used to be believed we were closer to chimps and that's why humans suck and men are so fucking aggressive (guess who came up with that idea). But now we know that we are equally as close to both of them

Humans are not instinct driven creatures. That's why most of us would fucking die in any survival situation. We have some strong reflexes, but even most of those die by the time we are adults. We are cukture made creatures

baresquad · 2022-08-12T16:26:44+00:00

I don’t think it’s any deeper than those people just being miserable to date. Dating them is draining, everyday is something, and there’s just so much better options out there

So I don’t think about it too much. Been there done that, I chalk it up to them being raised that way and a product of their experiences. I don’t think there’s a science behind it. They don’t have to be the way they are, they choose to be possessive and judge mental

The rest of us know how to date healthy and normally

ReferenceImpossible2 · 2022-08-12T18:20:16+00:00

The only reason possessiveness exists is because these hoes ain’t loyal

Marzipan-Happy · 2022-08-13T07:11:52+00:00

Insecurity plays a strong role I think. Hence why a lot of wealthier men are less jealous, particularly when they are dating a woman from a lower social structure, which is the same reason she would be territorial.

abagus101 · 2022-08-14T06:38:33+00:00

Why would you not be possessive over the most vital relationship in your life? This is modern society lying to you. So many people opt for indifference, apathy, and emotional distance with their partners and they grow apart.

It is both natural and instinctive to guard the most important people in your life, especially women as they're much more vulnerable than men.

sarkington · 2022-08-12T16:31:05+00:00

Because me me me me me

pinktuliplover · 2022-08-12T16:02:36+00:00

I do believe it has a lot to do with natural urge. Specifically men being wired to be protective.

Women’s protectiveness is more innate when it comes to their children. And the possessiveness women have with men comes more from not wanting to lose him. Women needed men for the majority of history. No one wants their provider/protected stolen.

I think neediness is a different topic. It’s more of an individual thing and it happens with men and women.

In my experience, guys tend to be more needy with their woman because she is the only acceptable person he can vent to emotionally. Or because she takes on a lot of domestic work that makes his life significantly easier. Think of how a wife dies and the man quickly finds a new wife. Partly because he needs someone to take over all the duties his first wife did for many years.

For women I’ve seen neediness mostly stem from either insecurity or just wanting to be loved. Needing constant reassurance isn’t uncommon. Women long to be loved and desired. Also as a woman I know some of us fake a certain level of neediness. Men like to feel needed so we sometimes give into that for him.

wtknight · 2022-08-12T17:05:14+00:00

Men are possessive due to innate fear of cuckoldry. Women are possessive due to the innate fear of losing a man’s support and resources in the event of child birth. These instincts might exist even in people who have decided to be child free.

These are generalizations, of course. Many people don’t get jealous and possessive, just like there are completely asexual people out there who none of this sexual instinct stuff applies to at all. But it doesn’t change the fact that there are general genetic tendencies in human beings that have helped ensure our survival as a species throughout the millennia.

jackedsoon · 2022-08-13T02:53:33+00:00

Possessive=/needy

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801735 · 2022-08-12T19:21:01+00:00

Why are people often possessive and judgmental when they date?

Fear of some sort?

johnnyGotHisTabla · 2022-08-12T20:41:37+00:00

Biology, for fuck's sake.

No one wants the cuckold's payoff.

Obvious-Rise9199 · 2022-08-12T21:46:38+00:00

I think a lot of people date while still hurt from previous relationships or just have unresonable expectations of themselves/people around them. At that point, their option is only other toxic people or a FWB situation. People without the famine mentality head for the hills when they run into these behaviours.

Express-Fig-5168 · 2022-08-12T22:57:34+00:00

I mean when you need something you will feel like you will die or you will die without it so people feel entitled because they constantly hear they DESERVE to live, and if that is untrue, one could argue it is fine if you live or die, it doesn't matter which would lead to nihilism and lack of value. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Humans do have predispositions to many things, some people crave sweet things some crave salty things, some people have low libido and rarely crave sex, some people have high libido and can't go a moment without craving sex, some people are pyromaniacs, they like fire, they crave the presence and usage of it. Some people have strong wills and can fight these cravings and urges and some don't. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Sad_Entertainer6312 · 2022-08-12T23:06:01+00:00

It's biological. A man couldn't know if a child was his offspring if his women was sleeping with other men.

A woman couldn't have security for her and her children if her man was also with other women

ruboyuri · 2022-08-13T00:32:10+00:00

Um, because they’re selfish jerkwads?

2022-08-14T19:10:27+00:00

I think we need to distinguish between possession and controlling. Possession is a natural human... thing? that occurs in men and women for a variety of reasons. Mostly for the purpose of child rearing and protection. Its not for the purpose of “Ooga fight man, kill man, take woman.” A mentally destroyed victim of rape is more liable to KILL the child you give them rather than raise them. Rape is not an efficient means of reproduction (I’m going to hell for finding humor in that sentence.) Killing of unwanted offspring due to rape has been observed in our distant relatives. Sexual aggression as far as initiative is rewarded, sexual violence not so much.

There also seems to be a misconception about primate behavior and violent courting rituals. Humans, while extremely violent, are terrified of one to one fights to the death with each other. We did not evolve to fight like bucks over some cooze, our first instinct is to flee from fights with other humans BECAUSE we know how clever and sadistic we are. Only if cornered do we fight, OR (and this is important.) if our OFFSPRING and PARTNERS are threatened. Paternal instinct is a very real thing, and its tied to possessiveness.

I believe a lot of behavior you see now is less to do with instinctual possessiveness and more to do with control. Which is an ego thing. Yes, it is the way people are raised and imprinted on, and is not something needing to be rehashed as I feel you know what is contributing to this behavior. Its something that needs to be addressed as it really isn’t healthy.

Title	Why are people often possessive and judgmental when they date?
Author	cynical_dude-
Upvotes	9
Comments	50
Date	August 12, 2022 3:40 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/wmodj5/why_are_people_often_possessive_and_judgmental/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/why-are-people-often-possessive-and-judgmental.1127586 https://theredarchive.com/post/1127586

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